Hitting the Wall

Hitting the wall can be quite painful. I have reached that place often lately and find myself retreating. It is hard to face my friends because they see and hear it in my voice. I am not supposed to be weak!The last few weeks have been overwhelming and difficult to wade through and I am just tired.

Tired of fighting ants on a daily and hourly basis. Tired of washing each and every dish in the house because the stupid dishwasher is broken and ants love dirty dishes. Tired of not being able to get out of bed except to crawl to the bathroom. Tired of standing in front of the fridge in tears, knowing I need to eat but not wanting to try. Tired of wondering if I will have work to do this week to help my husband with the bills and wondering if I will even have a job at the end of this. Tired of watching the weight of the world on my husband's shoulders. Tired of watching my daughter quietly try to understand why her world is so very different. Tired of just fighting a battle that never seems to end...

Every time I hit that emotional wall and land face first in the dirt, I see just how really weak that I am. God is there each and every time. Gently He picks me up and reminds me that I am trying to do it on my own again. I am trying to fix it, clean it up or carry a burden that I do not own. I can almost feel His mighty hand lifting my chin to look into His glory as He says, my child, you have forgotten that your strength and joy is found in Me! You are not trusting the One that created you and has prepared the way for you! Let go and remember that my yoke is meant to be light, not a means of restraint.

Again, I have traveled to Psalms where I am reminded of God's glory and holiness. Psalm 84 is becoming my heart cry as I dust off from my fall and accept God's grace in my weakness.

"1 How lovely is your dwelling place, LORD Almighty! 2 My soul yearns, even faints, for the courts of the LORD; my heart and my flesh cry out for the living God. 3 Even the sparrow has found a home, and the swallow a nest for herself, where she may have her young— a place near your altar, LORD Almighty, my King and my God. 4 Blessed are those who dwell in your house; they are ever praising you. 5 Blessed are those whose strength is in you, whose hearts are set on pilgrimage. 6 As they pass through the Valley of Baka, they make it a place of springs; the autumn rains also cover it with pools. 7 They go from strength to strength, till each appears before God in Zion. 8 Hear my prayer, LORD God Almighty; listen to me, God of Jacob. 9 Look on our shield, O God; look with favor on your anointed one. 10 Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere; I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of the wicked. 11 For the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD bestows favor and honor; no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless. 12 LORD Almighty, blessed is the one who trusts in you."

I want to live near the altar! I want my heart set on the pilgrimage! My goal is to go from strength to strength till I stand before God and I want my legacy to be that in all things... I trusted and praised the One that created me!

In His Embrace

The last 3 months God has taken me and my family through some dark and beautiful days. We have seen Him provide financially, emotionally and bring hope during days when we could not see through the tears.

"May the God of hope fill you with all the joy and peace as you trust him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit" - Romans 15:13''

This Thanksgiving I cannot help but be grateful! Grateful for the friends that have lend ed shoulders to cry on and ears to listen. For people that have given above and beyond what we could have ever imagined. For family that have given of their time and resources to take care of our little family. For kind words of love and encouragement.

Many of you have asked how I am doing. Today I am preparing for Thanksgiving with my little girl and resting as I need. Yesterday marked a big milestone for us. I finished the last round of AC (aka...Red Devil) chemo. I have 2 weeks to recover from this last round and I still have 12 more weeks of chemo to go however the next phase is said to be much easier on my body. After that, the next surgery to continue the reconstruction process which should take about another 6 weeks of healing. By this summer and I will be growing a nice new head of hair and should have fully recovered.

The last 6 weeks have gotten progressively harder as we had expected. There were many days that I was not able to get out of the bed or the couch. There have been days when out of weakness I felt like it was too much to handle. Those were the days that I crawled up into my Father's arms and wept. Wept out of fear, weariness, guilt for not being able to take care of my family, and sometimes the tears just came because I could not stop them. In His arms, I found love, grace, comfort, peace and hope. I stayed there each time until I was ready to face the next mountain. Sometimes that mountain was as simple as driving to pick up my little girl.

This time has allowed Brian and I to grow our relationship in new ways. We have grown in our spiritual walk together and in sharing our hearts in deeper ways. We have had to learn to dig deep to take care of our little girl's heart. We have become better partners and better parents.

This Thanksgiving is very special. Special because I have learned a new level of gratefulness. I am grateful for the hard things. I am grateful for the ugliness that brings about beauty. I am grateful for the simple. I am grateful for true joy that comes from walking through the suffering. I am grateful for learning about true hope and trust. I am grateful for the time of quiet that God has provided.

I am looking forward to the future when my family and I can once again be an active part of our church body and community around us. God is teaching us much and we will have much to give when that time comes. Until then, please know that today we are grateful for each of you that have prayed us through this and we continue to covet your prayers as we continue our journey. Thank you for walking with us through it!

Reflection in the Mirror

Today I stood in the mirror, staring at my shell. Tears poured down my face as I no longer recognized the girl looking back at me. It was more than just the bald head and the scared chest. It is the identity built into my accomplishments. I am not the mom that I once was. I can no longer chase my daughter through the house and have pillow fights. There are times I cannot even sit at the kitchen table and do homework with her. The housewife in me no longer exists. My home used to be clean, (most of the time), my laundry done, creative meals cooked. As a wife, I was a help-mate, a best friend, and spontaneous. Now, Brian has become my care-taker. As an employee, I was driven, worked hard and was very detail oriented. Then there was the creative side of me, that loved to teach kids, paint, decorate. Today in the mirror, I saw an emptiness. A woman that has to take a break while going up the stairs. A woman that is tired and sick all the time.

As I stared and wept, I asked God what is my identity to be now? Even when this is over, will I ever be the same? It was almost as though I could hear His voice saying, "I am to be your identity!" I realized that my desire should not to be the same person after this is over but it should be the cross.

Oswald Chambers wrote, "We think too often of the Cross of Christ as something we have to get through, yet we get through for the purpose of getting into it. The cross represents only one thing for us- complete, entire, absolute identification with the Lord Jesus Christ- and there is nothing in which identification is more real to us than prayer."

What do I want people to see in my mirror? I want them to see total surrender to God. I want them to see a woman that talks with God and listens for His voice. I want them to see humility and gratefulness.

Yes, I am losing me in this process but I am learning that this is exactly where God wants me. In losing me, I can be a better mom, housewife, friend and employee. I still weep out of humanness and exhaustion. I still long to be able to give to my family and friends but God has given me the gift of time. Time to be alone with Him in the quiet of my home. Time to reflect on His goodness and mercies that He has extended to me.

Tears in the Dark

I have spent a lot of time in quiet the last two weeks. My heart, my body and my soul drained. Removed from my family and friends in many ways and quietly crying in those dark moments, I have sought my Father in heaven. My Father that created me and the same Father that has gone before me. Weary beyond my imagination, sick, and helpless in many ways I have fought my enemy with prayer. Often my head hurt too much to even open the Word so in those moments I just cried out to Him in prayer. When I have had enough focus and energy I have spent much of my time in Psalms. It has been a balm for my heart and a constant reminder that I am to praise in all things. I am to seek my strength in God and remind myself of His goodness to me.

"Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand, You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory. Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has NOTHING I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Those who are far from you will perish; you will destroy all who are unfaithful to you. But as for me, it is good to be near God (love that line!). I have made the Sovereign Lord my refuge; I will tell of all your deeds." -Ps. 73:23-28

This has been so much harder than I thought possible and everything in me wants to give in to a good old pity party. I cannot and I refuse! God has blessed me in so many ways through this. I have seen the incredible strength and love in my husband's eyes. I have developed friendships, some new and some old. I have sought to find the blessing in each situation and discovered that God truly provides comfort and love in tiny little details. There are times that I fail at this and one look to God and I am reminded of His goodness.

I have a Christian nurse that mailed me a card after my first treatment and then sought me out today to hug and kiss me and tell me that I was a blessing to her. I have a team of doctors and nurses that sit, listen, brainstorm and seek to give me the best possible physical and emotional support possible. My family (which includes my dear sister-in-law, Lindsey that lives with us) is amazing! Each day they step it up when I can only make it from the bathroom to the bed. My sister and her husband that call, stop in, bring food, and help care for my family. My parents and Brian's parents have called, prayed, loved and taken care of us in so many ways. Our church have stunned me with generosity, love, meals, support and most of all prayer.

How can I be anything but grateful that God allowed me this opportunity to bask in His goodness? Yes, this is a battle against cancer but I have found it to be something deeper. A continuous journey to seek to see God's glory in every situation. I have found joy in the journey, the tears and the pain. God loves me and my family more than I can possibly comprehend and it has been a humbling experience to watch it unfold. I will be weak have dark moments, cry, and snap at those I love but I also have a hope that cannot be diminished!

Warrior Princess

I am taking on the new head gear with gusto and trying to make it as fun as possible but there is still some sadness too.

I decided early in this process, that when the time came, we were going to make it fun! So thus the plans for a party began. I have secretly called it my "Warrior Princess Party" but dared not tell Brian because he would shake his head and laugh. I picked Warrior Princess because I am refusing to allow this to control me, rather I will own it! When I had my chemo date set, I called out to my tribe and set the date. They arrived laden with food and ready for fun and maybe a few tears. We ate, made some margritas took some pictures and then I sat in the chair in the middle of the room and burst into tears! LOL Some "Warrior!" One of my dearest friends that I have come to love more and more everyday, knelt down in front of me and told me I had every right to cry and did they want me to pray? My tribe gathered, laid hands on me, prayed and wept with me before I gave up my hair. After, they were ripping out ear-rings and telling me to wear the biggest ones. My hat and scarf collection appeared and we all began to try them out.

I knew that I needed my friends and I am willing to admit that I did not want to do this alone. I can't do this alone. Isn't that the way that the way that God intended it? For us to support, love and walk with each other through these moments in life? I don't want to be tough. I don't want to be strong because in doing so I miss such sweet moments as I had last night. I am stronger for admiting my need and allowing those around me to hold me up than if I ever did this in secret.

"Carry each others burdens, and in this way, you will fulfill the law of Christ." Gal 6:2

In my fellowship I have found accountability, protection, love, acceptance, trust and a place of raw honesty. How can Satan be strong when we are in such a place of vunerability before our Lord? How can he gain a foot hold when we have our tribe standing guard ready to provide support and honest critisim? In my entire life, I have never felt so close to a group women. I have to believe that if we just let down our walls and let others in, we would find freedom. In this way, I am bucking socitety and allowing others to see who I really am. It is empowering and my heart is full of gratefulness.

This "Warrior Princess" has gone into battle. My armor is on and my army has surrounded me. I fight not just against cancer, but also the fears, depression, and physically weakness that accompany it. I am looking forward to the day when I will be a part of the army provding this for one of my tribe and I am hoping that my tribe will be even bigger by the time I am done!

Piecing Together the Moments…

I have been very quiet the last couple of weeks living from moment to moment. Thinking in terms of goals right now is just too overwhelming. Each minute of the last couple of weeks has been a fight to stay in the game and mentally overcome the battle.

The oncology appointment yesterday was overwhelming. There was a sense of relief that this was moving towards an end but information can be a hard thing to digest. I have 5 months of chemo in 2 phases with a possibility of also being involved in a clinical trial. The first phase is 2 months, every other week and can cause heart damage and lymphoma in the future. The second phase will be 3 months, every week. This phase will require steroids that could cause my diabetes to spin out of control. This phase might require insulin to be added into the mix. Before treatment, there is a 50% chance of the cancer returning. After treatment this is reduced to 25%. If it returns, it will not be considered curable but controllable. I am grieving today. Allowing this to overwhelm me and seeking comfort in my Father. . Tomorrow, I will pick up my armor and forge ahead again but this day, I will rest and seek the quiet. I am tired and drained emotionally and physically. The new normal has no sense of normalcy and my sense of self is getting lost in terminology.


Funny thing about “a sense of self” it makes you more selfish. When your focus is on yourself, your gifts from God become burdens. You develop a sense of entitlement and control becomes all too important. Sitting back and letting others take care of me is a burden to me. I have always been the one taking care of my family. I have always been the one to take care of the hurting. I am the one that has always picked up the slack. What an ego to assume that God needs me! What He needs from me is to die. To enslave myself to Him is my calling, not washing the dishes and preparing the meals.

1Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. 2Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. 3For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. 4When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory. 12Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Colossians 3

What a humbling place to realize that you have a more important sense of self than is reality. Sitting and being quiet in the “closet” is what God asking of me right now. To hide from the world and lose myself in Him is my calling in this moment. I know that at the end of this overwhelming and difficult journey God will allow me to use my talents for Him again. My prayer is that I will emerge from the closet and people around me will not see me but see Christ in my face. My radiance will shine from His glory and His holiness will be manifested in me. If you are looking for me, I am hiding, hiding in Christ in my closet!

Post OP

So it has been 2 weeks today since my mastectomy and there have been many highs and lows. I had alot of fears the week before surgery but by the time the day actually arrived God had given me a peace beyond understanding. Brian and I spent that morning together laughing, talking and praying together. Not one tear was shed because we knew God was present. The first person that I wanted to see after surgery was Brian. I needed to see his eyes and know that he still loved the person that I was.

The next morning, the doctor came in to remove the bandages...that was the moment that I was most scared of and had been dreading. Brian was watching closely as each layer came off and I was watching him. As soon as the scars were revealed, my sweet husband grinned from ear to ear, looked up at me and said, "It looks really good baby!" I could not stop the tears in my eyes. God could not have given me a better mate to stand by my side as I walked this road.

My surgeon had done a biopsy on 3 lymph nodes during surgery and she did not believe that the cancer had spread at that point. Of course the nodes had to be sent off to pathology to receive a full clearance. The Tuesday after surgery, I received a call that I was not expecting. They had found cancer in one of the nodes and believed that they would more than likely have to go back in and remove them. This meant another surgery and I was not prepared for that. They have since decided to treat with extra chemo but that day was probably the lowest day I have had since the this whole process had began. I sobbed the entire day. Not out of anger but just deep sadness. I gave into my grief that day and showed my weakness. Out of our weakness God's strength is revealed. I had pinned my hope on a Dr's opinion rather than in my Lord.

"Out of depths I cry to you, O Lord; O Lord you hear my voice. Let your ears be attentive to my cry for mercy. If you O Lord, kept a record of sins, O Lord, who could stand? But with you there is forgiveness; therefore you are feared. I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope. My soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen wait for the morning, more than watchmen wait for the morning. O Israel, put your hope in the Lord, for with unfailing love and with him is full redemption." -Psalm 130

Each day I have to remind myself that my Dr's in all this are just watchmen, not my hope. My hope rests in my Father's arms. God has created all things and knows all things. I forget that often in my humanness but God is a God of mercy and forgives my lack of faith. He gently reminds me of my need for Him and opens His arms to welcome me home.

Each day that I am frustrated because I am not progressing as fast as I think that I should is my opportunity to develop my dependence on God. Each time I break down in tears is my opportunity to seek comfort in my God. Each report that comes back with a disappointing result is my opportunity to grow my faith in God. I have failed and will continue to fail in these things but again it is another opportunity to experience God's grace. Cancer is not a disease to destroy me but an opportunity to see God glorified! What a perfect gift from Him.

Joy In The Fire

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, lacking nothing." -James 1:2-4

My husband directed me to those verses today and they are a perfect picture of where my heart is resting. The last few weeks I have found so much joy in many ways.

To name a few:

1. Discovering genuine concern and care from people. We have developed new relationships and deepened old ones. We have found the power of people's prayers for us to be a great encouragement and comfort.

2. Seeing God's hand guiding us over the last couple of years to this point. Each job move, lack of jobs, losing material items when our home was broken into has only deepened our faith and dependency on God. What an amazing journey to this point.

3. Listening to Anna Beth's Witty banter has become all the sweeter. Watching her and her friends playing on the slip-n-slide full of giggles brings smiles to our faces. Even the satisfaction of cleaning our home together and realizing the wonderful place that God has provided for us gives us joy.

4. My favorite has been laying in my husband's arms, sharing my heart and my tears. He has listened, shared and prayed words of comfort over me. We have openly talked about how each step of this process is and will affect our marriage. At the same time we have openly talked about our commitment to one another and to developing our faith.

These are just a few of the things where I found joy. I know that the plans that my Father has for me are to prosper me and not to harm me. Thursday is approaching quickly and I will lose a part of me that I l felt has defined me as a woman for the last 28 years. I have discovered in the last few weeks that my heart has not changed and that is what my husband loves. Tears have been shed and will continue at times but they will not consume me. This fire that we walk through as a family will prove out our faith and trust in God. Joy will come in the morning and I look forward to seeing what God has up his sleeve next!

Grief At My Door

Ahhh, the grief has come in waves since my appointment with the surgeon this afternoon. What I believed was going to be a simple lumpectomy has turned into so much more. The MRI revealed another mass that is attached to the original one. It appears to be about 6 centimeters long and they believe it to be pre-cancerous however it must be treated the same. It must come out. This means a full mastectomy on the left side. I was not prepared for this mentally and it hit me hard. All I could picture is seeing myself in the mirror for the first time and what that moment would feel like.

Right now I cannot stop the tears but even in the middle of them, my God is here. The only thing I can do is search the Word for comfort and so I began to do a word search on grief in my Bible. It has taken me to Lamentations 3

starting in vs. 19 "I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope. Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassion never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness... vs 32 Though He brings grief, He will show compassion so great is His unfailing love."

I realize that these verses are being used in the context of the consequences of sin however right now they are a balm on my heart. I realize that grief is but a step in this process and there will be more tears in days to come. For now I am in this moment. This moment of being comforted by my Father. This moment of pain is not unnoticed by Him. He is here, loving me and my family as we cope with the path that is before us. I am falling before Him, knowing that my body is not my own. It is His to use and teach me and show me His glory.

Trama in MRI

So today marks the most traumatic step in this process thus far. I realize this is silly but the MRI just about did me in today!

I am not sure how many of you have ever had an MRI but basically they stuff you in a 6 foot tube and leave you there for about 30 to 40 minutes. So first they tell me all about what they are going to do, from the IV to the noises and then they strapped me in a girdle so tight that it hurts to breathe. From that point they load me on the moving bed of death! Seriously, this thing is torture! So, at first they had my head in this little contraption that made me feel like I was suffocating. As soon as they slid the chubby girl into the small tube that compressed all major organs, I begged them to remove the Darth Vader mask. Once I had air blowing on my face I felt better and thought, sure I can make it through a few minutes in here. Uh, what was I thinking! Every torturous second I spent in there praying for God to help me breathe and stay clam. I made it till the last 3 minutes before tears started pouring down my face and I squeezed the call button. Cindy was very sweet and told me it was just 3 minutes more. I don' think I breathed for 3 minutes! As soon as the machine stopped making the hideous nosies, I heard the ladies burst in the room and started unplugging me from the oxygen and IV. As soon as they pulled me out I burst into sobs but they were there with cold wet towels, water, a back rub and soft words of comfort. They promised that I could cry and they were going to be through this entire journey with me to listen and support me. I felt ridiculous for losing it like that but I could not have had better support to walk me through it.

Again, how can I ask, "why me?" when my Father has surrounded me with some of the sweetest people to walk me through this. God has set me up with one of the best surgeons in the nation at one of the leading hospitals in the area of breast cancer. God has literally given me some of the best and how can I be anything but grateful.

While laying stuffed in that tube of death, my mind kept replaying parts of one of my favorite Psalms. It is passage 91 and it goes something like this... He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust... If you make the Most High your dwelling, even the Lord, who is my refuge- then no harm will befall you, no disaster will come near your tent... "Because he loves me," says the Lord, I will rescue him; I will protect him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him. (Best part!) With long life will I satisfy him and show him my salvation."

What a promise to live in right now! A more content woman you could not find right now because I am there, resting in His shadow.

New Journey

Yesterday I was diagnosed with an aggressive form of breast cancer and so a new journey has begun. We have cried, made jokes and contemplated the future but the one thing that we have not done is ask God, "Why us?" I have learned several things in the last couple of years and one of them being that God uses everything for His glory.

Looking back over the last few months, I can see God working towards that phone call yesterday. It all started with Brian being given a job at the Vanderbilt Cancer Center. From there, I received a job that I believed was "THE ONE" when in reality is was just another step.
That day, sitting in the conference room listening to the plan, wondering why God allowed this to happen and then moments later having FBI burst through the door, weapon ready was just a little blurb in my world. At the time, it felt huge but in reality is was just God setting the stage for the next step. The next step was another job offer within 24 hours. Part-time but a blessing non-the-less. A job that would allow flexibility and a work environment that was encouraging.

During all of this, I found a lump. I just could not let it go and mentioned it at a routine doctor visit. The doctor listened to me and ordered a mammogram the same day. That day has changed the "normal" for our family for months to come. That lump turned out to be nothing but the tumor lurking in the shadows was discovered. After a life-long dream vacation to Disney World we returned to face what God had laid out before us. A biopsy and a diagnosis.

I have no idea what is to come but I have no fear. It is so obvious that God has been preparing the way that I cannot help but be grateful. I grieve and I mourn but there is no question that God knew I was ready for this. That my family was ready. We are ready for that special fellowship with our Father as we climb in His arms. I have had several people tell me that they do not understand why God has asked so much of us in the last couple of years but to them I say, "it is an opportunity to lose more of me in HIM." I know there will be moments in the next several months that I will forget these words. I will grieve the silly things, like losing my hair but in the end my time with God will be worth every strand. This is an opportunity for my daughter to watch our responses to what God has asked of us. We are called according to His purpose and for His glory so with that in mind, I begin a new journey of hope and trust.