Change and Grief....

I should be sleeping since it is once again one in the morning but alas I remain sleepless. My girl is struggling and I am restless. Every year at this time, I hold my breath to see how she is going to handle the new teacher, the new schedule, the new rules and the new expectations. You see, my girl was born a "type A." Every year this change is difficult. Anna Beth has spent the entire summer growing up and spreading her wings. Every time I turned around she was trying something new and testing her boundries. She spent 2 1/2 weeks away from home this summer. She learned how to cook on the stove top on her own (I was hovering close by). She learned to cut veggies with a sharp knife and cook meals. She learned to get herself ready and fix her own hair, with a flat iron! She blossomed but by the end of the summer she was exhausted from the constant change. It does not come natural for her and it literally wears on her. Five weeks out and she was completely frustrated that school had not started yet. She was exhausted from the constant change and was looking forward to the familiar. Sunday night she was so excited about school that she had daddy help her pick out her outfit and move all of her stuff out of our bathroom and into her own. She was declaring this the year of independence. And why not....she was going into third grade! She has been doing this school thing for 4 years now and knew exactly what to expect. Imagine her dismay when her new teacher listed a new grading system, a new set of rules, (A lot of rules), she was not as flexible as her last teacher, and a completely new daily schedule. All of this on top of the fact that she is still grieving last year's teacher who totally "got" her. The crash came hard tonight...complete and utter meltdown over not wanting to take a bath. There was crying and when I say crying, I mean uncontrollable sobbing and screaming. Door slamming and a little hyperventilating were involved. Brian and I both knew what was really wrong but it is still exhausting walking her through it. Letting her grieve but teaching her that it is not ok to disobey and she still has to treat mommy and daddy with respect. Brian was the one that she clung to tonight and I have to admit I was grateful. I was exhausted and did not have the patience to deal with the symptoms. When she was ready, he helped her calm, talked to her about her behavior and then helped her to complete the tasks that sent her off the deep end 30 minutes earlier. We thought she was done but when he went to put her to bed she could not settle. She was restless and could not sleep. Her nightly routine of a book and prayer time with daddy was not enough to settle her heart so Brian told her she had to try and fall asleep on her own. The sobs overtook her again. I could hear her begging him to return from the living room downstairs. Finally... after another trip to her room she calmed and slept. My heart breaks for her because I understand how painful this process really is for my sweet girl. This last year was the first time that she had a teacher that understood her leader personality. Her teacher gave her responsibility as reward and AB thrived. I saw her learn humility, a work ethic and learn to love others where they were at. I watched her fall in love with special needs kids...her favorite are autistic kids and she can spot them in a store faster than most adults I know. She immediately smiles at them and says Hi. One of her jobs last year was to be a buddy to one of the autistic kids in the class. She would calm him when he got upset and help him when he needed direction. She loved being the one that could help Josh. My girl would rather organize a box of colored beads than play dress up. She does not like to play games but would rather organize the game and help the younger ones with the rules. Her last teacher got all this about her and encouraged her to be who she was rather than trying to make her fit a mold of what she expected her to be like. Anna Beth fears the MOLD! My girl is just plain old scared of the unknown and I honestly don't blame her. It is hard to trust that someone who is in authority over you will not crush you. The next few days could set the tone for the year and this Mommy's heart is

prayerful over her girl and the teacher that will lead her. My girl loves school and learning, the last thing I want to happen is for that joy to be diminished. One of the hardest parts of being a parent is trusting that God will protect them when they are not in our care. I have no choice but to trust and remain watchful.