"No More Mommy!"

Ok, so yesterday I reached the point that I was just tired of being a Mommy! There, I said it!~ I am being as honest and raw as I can be. Anna Beth has just been having a really difficult few weeks and I am emotionally drained. There is so much guilt that goes along with knowing that I am in this place. She needs me so much but I need a break from being needed! It does not help that Brian and I have not had an evening away from her since the middle of June. I love her dearly but I just grow weary of all the battles. She doesn't want to go to Sunday School, or preschool or get dressed, or does not want to wear one of the 3 outfits that I picked for her to choose from. She wants mac and cheese but not on that plate, she does not want that cup but this one, it goes on and on....

I called Brian yesterday and told him that I was coming to his Upwards Flag Football practice because I did not want to be alone with her anymore! Tears were pouring down my face all the way to the football field and I was praying and asking God what more can I do to help her through this? I want to raise her with love, discipline and Jesus being the reason we make good choices. There are times that I just want to throw in the towel because of the work that goes with that. I know that I can't because I know the lifelong consequences of that choice but there are days that even prayer do not seem enough! At the football field were other mothers from our church that dared to ask me how I was doing and I was blunt. I was instantly encouraged as they began to tell me that they had all been through the same thing and there was an end to this. The guilt over feeling this way was lifted and I was allowed to feel hurt and sad.

After talking through this with Brian last night, we started to realize some of the fears that Anna Beth is going through right now. A few weeks ago, we put our house on the market and began the conversation about moving with her so she could be mentally prepared. (Anna Beth needs plans to feel safe) In the process of preparing the house to sell, we decided to move Anna Beth's cat to my sister's house so we would not have to deal with the pet issues in selling the house. We knew that Anna Beth would have a little trouble with this but I do not think that we realized just how much. Anna Beth thinks of Bootsie as part of the family. When she talks about her family, it is mommy, daddy, Anna Beth and Bootsie. There is no distinction that Bootsie is a cat! She also started back to preschool around the same time, started dance classes and has no understanding of what moving entails. She has this great fear that we are going to leave her right now and I think that in her little mind, if we would leave Bootsie, why would we not leave her? She has also been every unsure of leaving anything behind. As we talked, my heart just began to hurt for her as I realized what we have asked of her in the last few weeks. Anna Beth's greatest fear is being separated from us!

I really do not how to ease her fears except to constantly reassure her that we would never leave her where it was not safe and we will always come back for her. Walking through that conversation did not change the circumstances that we are going through with Anna Beth right now but it has made me more compassionate towards her. Discipline is an even greater responsibility right now because there is safety in boundaries. Right now it is important for her to have that picture of the cat on the fridge even though I am trying to keep things clean. So much of me wants to be selfish and walk away from the frustration of the moment but I know that God will allow that time later and right now He has asked me to give more of myself than I think able because He wants my dependence on Him!

How's the Teeth?

Anna Beth had her first dentist appointment today! We had been talking it up big for the last few days and preparing her for the noises and things that she would see so she was excited and thought that this was a really big girl thing to do. I woke her up and the first thing that she said was, "Is it time to go to the dentist?" We had trouble with the wardrobe as she wanted to dress up in Sunday clothes and we finally agreed to a simple Sunday dress and flip flops. She would not however wear panties as she had no Hello Kitty ones clean so we settled on her wearing a pull-up. I as a little surprised at this decision as she has not wanted to wear pull-ups in several months but I went with it to keep the peace and move on. We arrived at the dentist office with camera in tow for Daddy to see later. Her hygienist was wonderful with her. Anna Beth began to talk as soon as she left to go get the dentist to check her teeth. "Mommy, my dentist has a sink and my dentist has a TV in the ceiling and my dentist has..." This went one until she arrived back! lol Poor thing had a sad report on her teeth as she has chipped every front tooth that she has, in fact one of them is loose. We brush her teeth twice a day but she still has a few stains from the chips that she has developed over the last 3 years. No cavities that they could find but my poor dear is just clumsy and will have to deal with the result of this until her teeth fall out and she can start over. Anna Beth's gums were actually bruised as she had run into a door handle last night and we think that this is what made her "orange tooth" (as she calls it, it is stained) loose. The dentist actually mentioned fixing the offending tooth but I really see no reason for it unless Anna Beth gets really self-conscious.

Brian and I have been a bit amazed lately at how much Anna Beth has changed in the last couple of weeks. It is like she is on a quest to learn at least 100 new things each day and she will not be quiet until she figures it all out. Yet she still sounds so young at the same time. Marsh mellows are still smarchmellows and hic-ups are still make-ups but at the same time she asks the really deep questions. She has really in been into figuring out the differences between girls and boys and even her and I. Some of the stuff she has said sends us into real giggles. Below is a few of the conversations that we have had lately...

"Mommy, why does Daddy have 2 bottoms and we only have 1?"

"Mommy, (as she is looking at her chest) my boobs don't lift up!"

"Mommy, I have hair growing on my arms"

"Mommy, Daddy has hair on his belly but we don't... that's funny!"

"Mommy, do you remember that black lady?" said Anna Beth. "What black lady?" I asked(I was a little surprised by this statement as we have never referred to anyone by their skin color before.) "You know, she had black hair" Now it all made sense to me! LOL

Anna Beth on the phone with Daddy... "Daddy, I not cry today." This was not true so I heard Brian telling her that this is not what Mommy said so Anna Beth said, " I know but after I stop crying I not cry again all day!"

Anna Beth in the bathtub with her water babies was heard saying... "What did you do? That was not a good choice! Ok that's all right.... You did a great job!"

Daddy and Anna Beth were coloring together "Daddy, you did a great job!" (She has always been a great encourager and sharer)

"Mommy you are beautiful and I love you!"

"Daddy, Mommy and me, we are a family! I love my family!"

"Jesus, I sorry for not listening to Daddy"

We have also been going through a real separation anxiety phase lately and I am not sure what to do about it. The other day when I dropped her off at school, she actually was laying in the floor with a death grip on my ankle, screaming at the top of her lungs. She has also been crying at Sunday school. Anna Beth has been going to dance class for about 4 weeks now and loves it but this last week she sat outside the door with me and did all the dance moves but refused to go in for the first 20 minutes. She has been changing so fast that I sometimes wonder if she is feeling fearful because she does not need me as much.

We are daily in awe of the little girl that God gave us and so excited when she talks about Jesus in daily conversation. Being her parents has been one of the most trying and rewarding tasks that has ever been set before us!