Yes, I said it! I am thankful right now for conviction. What a sweet time I have had with my Savior lately. I am not in a deep, dark place wallowing in what a sinner I am but simply allowing God to teach me how to live intentionally for Him.
I have recently been following a blog of a mother with a sweet 7 year old girl that passed away about a week and a half ago of brain tumors. It has been such a blessing to see how God was so active in this little girl's life. At 7 years old, she was clearly longing to go to her heavenly home. I have struggled with this concept for over a year. As I faced chemo last year, there were times that my body was so tired and I was so sick that I wondered why I was fighting so hard to stay on this earth when my eternal home was waiting for me. As I began following the story of this little girl it again caused these questions to resurface and I began to search the Word and pray for an answer.
This search took me to 2 Thessalonians.
3 We ought always to thank God for you, brothers and sisters,[b] and rightly so, because your faith is growing more and more, and the love all of you have for one another is increasing. 4 Therefore, among God’s churches we boast about your perseverance and faith in all the persecutions and trials you are enduring.
5 All this is evidence that God’s judgment is right, and as a result you will be counted worthy of the kingdom of God, for which you are suffering. 6 God is just: He will pay back trouble to those who trouble you 7 and give relief to you who are troubled, and to us as well. This will happen when the Lord Jesus is revealed from heaven in blazing fire with his powerful angels. 8 He will punish those who do not know God and do not obey the gospel of our Lord Jesus. 9 They will be punished with everlasting destruction and shut out from the presence of the Lord and from the glory of his might 10 on the day he comes to be glorified in his holy people and to be marveled at among all those who have believed. This includes you, because you believed our testimony to you.
11 With this in mind, we constantly pray for you, that our God may make you worthy of his calling, and that by his power he may bring to fruition your every desire for goodness and your every deed prompted by faith. 12 We pray this so that the name of our Lord Jesus may be glorified in you, and you in him, according to the grace of our God and the Lord Jesus Christ.[c
My favorite verse in this passage was verse 11 that states that they pray constantly that they may be worthy of God's calling and that God's power would helps us to become more like Him!
The past couple of weeks I have had to find peace with the fact that God is not done being glorified through my life here on earth and yet He received glory by the death of one so very young. With that came such a burden of knowing the responsibility that God has given me by extending my life here on earth. He cured me of cancer and with that gift comes the responsibility to live so intentionally that God can be glorified through my daily life.
As I began to feel that burden, I also was reminded that my Father's burdens are light. It brought me back to the scripture "For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light." Matthew 11:30 This scripture verse was a great help to me last year and it has a new context for me now. I now see it played out in my daily walk with Him. By nature, I am not a person who's gift is evangelism however I can daily love people as God loves them. I can respect and honor my husband as God commands me to do, I can teach my daughter the Bible and live it out daily in front of her and I can pray for my dear family and friends that their faith increases. I can choose activities that gives me opportunities to love on others, encourage them and live intentionally in front of them. I will fail in front of them but again what an opportunity to show humility, seek forgiveness and be a witness of God's grace.
I do long for my eternal home but He does not want us to be downcast because He has chosen to use us here on earth rather than allowing us to finally see His face. My place is here for now, to bear witness to His majestic glory. I am grateful that God has trusted me with this message and this responsibility just as He did that precious little girl.
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Monday, August 22, 2011
Ripples In The Pond
When you drop a rock in a pond the ripples from it appear to last for a very long time. This has been true for us. Our rock was cancer and the ripples, while not noticeable from the outside to most, continue to have an affect on our family. We try to keep it within the confines of our little home because we know people grow weary of hearing it but behind our walls those ripples reach deep in our hearts.
Brian rides the ripple of doctors appointments. Each one, he texts me if he has not heard from me within the time-line he expects. While we both know that more than likely everything is going to be fine, there is always the chance that they could find something else lurking in the shadows.
Mine is the anxiety attacks. I grow anxious when I feel like things in my world are not going according to schedule or I have lost track of something, I panic. I have combated this with constant lists and preparing things way in advance. My poor family and co-workers have learned to listen for the panic in my voice.
Anna Beth's is far more complicated and harder for Mommy and Daddy to deal with. She still has a fear of her Mommy dying. We never used that word around her or even hinted that it could happen but somehow my girl developed a fear of this happening. As a result, she has trouble being away from me for long periods and cannot spend the night at her friend's houses.
The other night, we decided to have a family movie night and Brian picked up Mars needs Moms. This appeared to be an innocent movie but became much more than that for us. Anna Beth was nervous from the get-go and there is a scene in the movie where the mom almost dies. At that point Anna Beth ran from the room crying hysterically and it took us about 20 minutes to calm her down. She stated over and over that she knew it was not real but she was afraid that it was going to give her bad dreams. We would have never rented that movie had we realized the content of it. After much prayer with our little girl she was able to calm and go to sleep. She remained clingy most of the weekend but her heart seemed to have recovered.
Daily we long for the ripple effect to stop but we know that God is using those ripples to continue to refine us. Someday the last ripple will each shore and our healing will be complete but until then we will continue to live in Proverbs 3:5-6
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight."
Such a simple verse and truth yet sometimes one of the biggest challenges. We continue to trust that God allowed this in our lives for His purpose and glory. The hard part of trusting for us comes when it is time to move forward. Part of our hearts still cling to the fears of the unknown. No one ever told me that conquering the cancer was only part of the process. This has taken us all by surprise. I heard one survivor put it perfectly. "The problem is, that you are no longer sick!" Such a true statement and yet also very hard to admit. You expect the hair to return, go back to work and life to return to normal but we have discovered that "normal" does not really work for us anymore. We have all been changed by cancer and are still learning how to live with the effects of it.
Someday we will go an entire day without thinking about what we walked through but for right now we celebrate every hour that passes and our minds have been otherwise engaged. Someday we will celebrate Anna Beth's first sleep over since this all began and someday our hearts will be fully at peace. For now, we mark each little milestone and find comfort in the shadow of God.
Brian rides the ripple of doctors appointments. Each one, he texts me if he has not heard from me within the time-line he expects. While we both know that more than likely everything is going to be fine, there is always the chance that they could find something else lurking in the shadows.
Mine is the anxiety attacks. I grow anxious when I feel like things in my world are not going according to schedule or I have lost track of something, I panic. I have combated this with constant lists and preparing things way in advance. My poor family and co-workers have learned to listen for the panic in my voice.
Anna Beth's is far more complicated and harder for Mommy and Daddy to deal with. She still has a fear of her Mommy dying. We never used that word around her or even hinted that it could happen but somehow my girl developed a fear of this happening. As a result, she has trouble being away from me for long periods and cannot spend the night at her friend's houses.
The other night, we decided to have a family movie night and Brian picked up Mars needs Moms. This appeared to be an innocent movie but became much more than that for us. Anna Beth was nervous from the get-go and there is a scene in the movie where the mom almost dies. At that point Anna Beth ran from the room crying hysterically and it took us about 20 minutes to calm her down. She stated over and over that she knew it was not real but she was afraid that it was going to give her bad dreams. We would have never rented that movie had we realized the content of it. After much prayer with our little girl she was able to calm and go to sleep. She remained clingy most of the weekend but her heart seemed to have recovered.
Daily we long for the ripple effect to stop but we know that God is using those ripples to continue to refine us. Someday the last ripple will each shore and our healing will be complete but until then we will continue to live in Proverbs 3:5-6
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight."
Such a simple verse and truth yet sometimes one of the biggest challenges. We continue to trust that God allowed this in our lives for His purpose and glory. The hard part of trusting for us comes when it is time to move forward. Part of our hearts still cling to the fears of the unknown. No one ever told me that conquering the cancer was only part of the process. This has taken us all by surprise. I heard one survivor put it perfectly. "The problem is, that you are no longer sick!" Such a true statement and yet also very hard to admit. You expect the hair to return, go back to work and life to return to normal but we have discovered that "normal" does not really work for us anymore. We have all been changed by cancer and are still learning how to live with the effects of it.
Someday we will go an entire day without thinking about what we walked through but for right now we celebrate every hour that passes and our minds have been otherwise engaged. Someday we will celebrate Anna Beth's first sleep over since this all began and someday our hearts will be fully at peace. For now, we mark each little milestone and find comfort in the shadow of God.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
A Kindergarten Odyssey
Today I dropped my girl off for her last day of Kindergarten in the same outfit she wore on her first day. Memories of her this last year flooded my mind and tears flooded my eyes.
I remember being at the parent orientation back in August of 2010, quietly talking to her teacher about the emotional roller coaster Anna Beth would be facing this year. Cancer is a word that had just entered AB's vocabulary and she had not even begun to understand what kind of effect it would have on her life.
Physically, Anna Beth has changed very little. She is a little bit taller, her foot size is the same. Her weight has increased slightly and her hair is longer. However if you look in her eyes, you see something very different. Those eyes tell a story of a little girl that learned about dependence on God. A story that changed her world forever and yet taught her how to pray and grow her faith.
I watched from the couch and bed this year as my little girl developed heavy burdens. She would look at me in fear if I seemed really sick or tired. Anna Beth spent alot of time in my lap and her independence faded as she felt a need to be close to us. When we saw the fear, we would often stop to pray together and in doing so, prayer became her safe place. She often asked us to pray about whatever was weighing heavy on her heart. There were many nights that Brian just simply prayed her to sleep.
Anna Beth asked alot of questions and we were honest with our answers without sharing too much as to not burden her. She asked often to see my scars and would rub my head when she was worried. We were honest when she asked for something and we could not provide it for her. She understood that money was tight but we also shared when God provided for us by using others in our lives. It was very special to see her appreciate God answering our prayers when we could not do it on our own.
As the year progressed, we spent alot of time reading together and in the end just listening to her read. We were and are still amazed at how much she learned during such a difficult time. She now can recognize nouns vs. verbs. She can structure sentences and can write short stories with punctuation. Her writing sparked her imagination and it became the way she expressed herself. I often received notes about how much she loved me,how she was praying for me and the things that she missed doing with me.
Relationships were hard for her this year. Anna Beth often felt the need to control her world and in doing so she struggled with allowing others to lead during play time. Many were the tears about how someone did not want to play with her anymore. We had countless conversations about being a real friend and how to share time. Yet, there was a sensitivity that developed in her heart towards others that were hurting. I listened to her tell stories of little girls or boys that she defended and protected. Anna Beth began to notice homeless on the side of the road or people that seemed sad. She began to come up with ways to help them or pray for them. She currently has a plan underway to do chores around the house, to earn money to give to a homeless charity.
We have been and will continue to see the effects of breast cancer on her heart, Right now she is struggling with fear of her own health. Every little ache and pain that is voiced ends with a request to go to the doctor. When she does go to the doctor, I see relief on her face as the doctor tells her that she has just a little bug and will be ok. In return, when Brian and I are sick, she is quick to cover us with blankets or gets us water. She loves playing nurse and taking care of the people that she loves.
As she skipped into her building this morning full of excitement I was one proud and grateful momma. Anna Beth's burdens are getting lighter and I am seeing more smiles on her face. I know that the Lord will heal her heart and this odyssey that she has been on, God will one day use in her life. My little girl will never be the same and in some ways she had to grow up very fast. In many ways I believe that God allowed this in our lives to shape all of us, including my little girl. She is very special and I believe that God will use her in a very special way someday. Right now, I am just grateful to be her mommy and am proud of the way she has matured and grown!
I remember being at the parent orientation back in August of 2010, quietly talking to her teacher about the emotional roller coaster Anna Beth would be facing this year. Cancer is a word that had just entered AB's vocabulary and she had not even begun to understand what kind of effect it would have on her life.
Physically, Anna Beth has changed very little. She is a little bit taller, her foot size is the same. Her weight has increased slightly and her hair is longer. However if you look in her eyes, you see something very different. Those eyes tell a story of a little girl that learned about dependence on God. A story that changed her world forever and yet taught her how to pray and grow her faith.
I watched from the couch and bed this year as my little girl developed heavy burdens. She would look at me in fear if I seemed really sick or tired. Anna Beth spent alot of time in my lap and her independence faded as she felt a need to be close to us. When we saw the fear, we would often stop to pray together and in doing so, prayer became her safe place. She often asked us to pray about whatever was weighing heavy on her heart. There were many nights that Brian just simply prayed her to sleep.
Anna Beth asked alot of questions and we were honest with our answers without sharing too much as to not burden her. She asked often to see my scars and would rub my head when she was worried. We were honest when she asked for something and we could not provide it for her. She understood that money was tight but we also shared when God provided for us by using others in our lives. It was very special to see her appreciate God answering our prayers when we could not do it on our own.
As the year progressed, we spent alot of time reading together and in the end just listening to her read. We were and are still amazed at how much she learned during such a difficult time. She now can recognize nouns vs. verbs. She can structure sentences and can write short stories with punctuation. Her writing sparked her imagination and it became the way she expressed herself. I often received notes about how much she loved me,how she was praying for me and the things that she missed doing with me.
Relationships were hard for her this year. Anna Beth often felt the need to control her world and in doing so she struggled with allowing others to lead during play time. Many were the tears about how someone did not want to play with her anymore. We had countless conversations about being a real friend and how to share time. Yet, there was a sensitivity that developed in her heart towards others that were hurting. I listened to her tell stories of little girls or boys that she defended and protected. Anna Beth began to notice homeless on the side of the road or people that seemed sad. She began to come up with ways to help them or pray for them. She currently has a plan underway to do chores around the house, to earn money to give to a homeless charity.
We have been and will continue to see the effects of breast cancer on her heart, Right now she is struggling with fear of her own health. Every little ache and pain that is voiced ends with a request to go to the doctor. When she does go to the doctor, I see relief on her face as the doctor tells her that she has just a little bug and will be ok. In return, when Brian and I are sick, she is quick to cover us with blankets or gets us water. She loves playing nurse and taking care of the people that she loves.
As she skipped into her building this morning full of excitement I was one proud and grateful momma. Anna Beth's burdens are getting lighter and I am seeing more smiles on her face. I know that the Lord will heal her heart and this odyssey that she has been on, God will one day use in her life. My little girl will never be the same and in some ways she had to grow up very fast. In many ways I believe that God allowed this in our lives to shape all of us, including my little girl. She is very special and I believe that God will use her in a very special way someday. Right now, I am just grateful to be her mommy and am proud of the way she has matured and grown!
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Fuzzy Crop Coming In!
It has been 5 weeks since my last chemo treatment and I have a fuzzy crop of hair coming in that I refer to has duck fuzz! It is an ugly process but by Christmas people should stop staring at my head. They will just think I had a really bad hair cut. LOL There is no way to put into words the emotional train I have been traveling on the last few weeks. Apparently I have very high expectations that my body cannot live up to. I have experienced everything from fear, grief, gratefulness to excitement. Everyday I see a little more of myself coming back. I have even chased Anna Beth through the house. Of course 10 minutes later, I was laid out in the floor thinking I was going to pass out. LOL I can go all day for about 2 days before I crash on the 3rd day but the strength is coming back. Next Friday is the big surgery that will put me back together. It is closure for both Brian and I. I think even Anna Beth is looking forward to that day. I am very aware that my family will never be the same after this. This is good in many ways with a small downside. The downside... everyday you remember and wonder about a relapse. I know that someday, we will go through a whole day without thinking about the cancer but we are not there yet and I think that it will be a while before that happens. That word has consumed our family for 9 months and that just does not go away over night. On the upside... Our faith is so much stronger and our hearts more sensitive. I have never loved and respected my husband more, which is saying alot because I have always had alot of respect and love for him! Anna Beth has been an angel for the last nine months but now that Mommy is getting stronger and Daddy worries less, she is emotionally letting go. She has meltdowns several nights a week and has begun lying some. We have been amazed at her strength and coping skills through all of this however, now that she feels safe, her fears and frustration over the last nine months is spilling out. This has required some extra love and discipline but we know that God will heal her little heart. As her mommy, I have had to fight guilt at what I felt that I have put her through. I hold her a little tighter, pray with her a little more and remind her to show Jesus we love Him with our obedience. I have to say that some of the sweetest moments are laying in bed and listening to her pray. Anna Beth feels deeply and holds much of it inside. Brian and I have to work hard to get her to open up but what precious moments as parents we have had, loving her when she needs it the most. God has answered my prayer regarding a job. The company that I was doing contract work for as this whole process was beginning is wanting me to come back part-time and work it into a full-time position. I have been doing more and more work for them lately and am going to start going into the office a couple of weeks after surgery. I was a bit terrified of the interviewing process with my bald head and crazy eyebrows. I know that people are not supposed to allow that to prejudiced them but I know that it does. Is she going to be out sick all the time and how healthy is she really? etc! God has just literally dropped a job in my lap. I am hoping that by the end of summer, I will be full-time and we can start paying off those crazy medical bills. The healing process is slower than I want it to be and there are still issues that crop up. I have been having headaches everyday for almost 3 weeks and the chemo has thrown my body back into an arthritis and fibromyalgia tizzy. However, I am eating real food again, not laying in bed all day and am able to actually think without the cobwebs. I had no idea how sick I really was until I started getting better. I saw my chemo nurses today and one of them told me that she almost did not recognize me because I have color in my face and pep in my step. I am experiencing God's incredible healing and am learning to be patient with the process. Psalm 62 has been my latest anthem. Find rest, O my soul, in God alone, my hope comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress, I will not be shaken. My salvation and my honor depend on God; He is my mighty rock, my refuge. Ps. 62:5-7 Resting is not my greatest strength. I have had nine months of forced rest and yet I am still learning to rest in Him. I am grateful that God trusted Brian and I with this story and I know that He will use it to be glorified.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
From Cancer Patient to Cancer survivor
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, Because you know that the testing of your faith, faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2-4
Brian and I ended chemo as we began it...together and with excitement! The beginning, we had excitement because we were fighting and the ending because we no longer have to fight. The day brought joy and tears.
While I am excited that this is phase is over, there is also a sadness to leave my network of nurses that have become so very dear to me. After seeing them 2 to 3 times a week for months, they became a part of my life. I will miss their smiling faces, their encouragement, hugs and words of encouragement. From Tonya that loved to ask me the special question she claims she did not have to ask any one else, "Did you pass out this week?" LOL To Linda that always made me feel special and wanted. The 2 Theresa's always greeted me with a smile and would stop in to chat. Jenny never ceased to make me laugh with her goofy antics and sweet Kina that was always so very sweet. Pam that loved to tease and Stephanie that is always down to earth and there with a smile and tease for me. Then there is Sheree that keeps everyone going and makes sure that I am taken care of for my appointments. These chemo nurses love their jobs and they go above and beyond to take care of their patients. They are a special group that I thank God for daily. Chemo would have been so much harder without these special women that walked me through that long 6 month journey. There is also my clinical trial nurse Glenda that hugged me through the tears and cared for me as a mom cares for her kids. I thank God for giving me the opportunity to have such a Godly woman in my life as I shared the painful parts and victories.
There is also a fear of no longer fighting the disease. Now, I sit and wait between check-ups and questioning any new aches and pains that appear. While I know that God is not an author of fear it is something that I fight to give back to Him. There is no guarantee that the cancer will never return but Brian and I will trust Our Heavenly Father just as we have from the very beginning. There will be times we will fail at this but thank goodness for grace.
I am not sure that I can possibly share everything that we as a family have learned through this entire process. Our relationships are deeper with the Lord and each other. What a blessing it is to hear our daughter ask to pray with her on a daily basis about the things going on in our world in that moment. We have learned our strengths and weakness. Some that we knew and others that we never knew we had. I have been amazed to watch Brian as he fulfilled his wedding vows to the fullest. The way that he supported, cared for me and protected our family through this last 6 months was such an encouragement and show of love to me.
I have learned to see myself as God sees me. The physical beauty was taken away in many ways however I have never felt more loved and wanted by my God. My heart has been softened and the box that I had kept God in was blown apart as I realized that He is so much bigger and intimate than I had ever dreamed. What a special time with Him as I walked through the fire and opened my heart in a whole new way. I have shed many tears and laughed more than I thought possible. While I would never had chosen for myself and family to walk this road...what a blessing we have received on the journey. God gave us an incredible opportunity to lean on Him and trust in ways that I never thought necessary.
I am grateful for the people that have walked this road with us. We can never thank you enough for the financial, physical, mental, emotional and prayerful support that you have lavished on our family. The surgery will mark the official end to what seemed an overwhelming task back in July 2010. I have a few months to get my body and energy back but we will slowly become a part of the world again. I look forward to being a part of my church body on a regular basis and serving others again. I also look forward to being a real helpmate to my husband and a mommy off the couch rather than just the cuddler. I am no longer that cancer patient but a survivor and ready to share with the world how special this time has been!
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Grace Fulfilled
Last week was a week that God poured out grace on our family. Monday started out with Anna Beth getting sick. Brian stayed home with her Tuesday and took her to the doctor so I could go in for my chemo treatment. unfortunately, she tested positive for the flu and she was kind enough to pass it off to me. LOL Wednesday night we landed in the ER due to Anna Beth having an asthma attack that we could not get under control. Thursday, I went to the doctor and tested positive for the flu. I was not able to keep anything down for about 24 hours so Monday morning I freaked my husband out by passing out in the bathtub. Next thing I knew, I was in an ambulance headed to the Vandy ER. Turns out that I was so severely dehydrated that my blood pressure was dangerously low at 80/20. There started me on fluids right away and was able to stabilize me within a couple of hours. I was moved that afternoon to a more stable area of the ER where I was officially admitted to the hospital and spent the next 24 hours. Not sure if you have ever had to spend the night in the ER because the hospital beds are full but it is not very restful and sleeping on a stretcher can get painful. We survived and we able to head home on Saturday afternoon where I continued to recoup.
Brian and I have spent alot of time reflecting on the past 6 months as we are nearing the end of chemo. Just one more week to be exact. We continue to be amazed at how God has walked us through this entire process. My clinical trial nurse stated Tuesday that she has never had a patient whose body had taken such a beating through chemo. Yet, I feel blessed. At every turn God has provided, carried us when we were to overwhelmed to go on and has sent people to encourage us. Gratefulness has continued to be our theme and will continue to be so.
Brian and I have spent alot of time reflecting on the past 6 months as we are nearing the end of chemo. Just one more week to be exact. We continue to be amazed at how God has walked us through this entire process. My clinical trial nurse stated Tuesday that she has never had a patient whose body had taken such a beating through chemo. Yet, I feel blessed. At every turn God has provided, carried us when we were to overwhelmed to go on and has sent people to encourage us. Gratefulness has continued to be our theme and will continue to be so.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
God Focused
Today I was told that the chemo would most likely send me into menopause. Grief consumed. It was as if the last part of what makes me a woman was being taken away. The choice to have another child...gone! Once the tears stopped and I sought my Bible, I realized that Satan was trying to steal my joy. And my joy is Jesus Christ, my focus! I poured myself into verses speaking on grief because I believe that God allows us grief but we cannot allow it to consume us and rule our hearts in fear.
'And I gave my heart to know wisdom, and to know maddness and folly; I perceived that this is also vexation of the spirit. For in much wisdom is much grief and he that increaseth sorrow."
Ecc 17:18
"For the Lord will not cast off forever but though he cause grief, yet will he have compassion according to the multitude of his mercies."
Lam. 3:31-32
I then moved on in scripture to praise. Praise is required even in the hard times. Praise brings our focus back into perspective.
"Because thy loving kindness is better than life, my lips shall praise thee. Thus will I bless thee while I live; I will lift up my hands in thine name. My soul shall be satisfied as with marrow and fatness: and my mouth shall praise thee with joyful lips: when I remember thee on my bed and meditate on thee in the night watches. Because thou hast been my help, therefore in the shadow of thy wings will I rejoice. My soul followeth hard after thee; they right hand upholdeth me."
Ps 63:3-7
My last place to dwell was on the Proverbs 31 woman. I needed to be reminded of where a real woman's worth is placed. I want to reflect Christ and teach my child about honoring the head of our home. I want my husband to trust my heart and people to see Christ in my handiwork.
This process has been a roller coaster of emotions but I always have to come back and focus on Christ, who is my joy. In focusing on that joy, I see the abundance of what God has given to me and I do not deserve. I am a blessed child of the king and that King counts every sprout of new hair on my head. How amazing is it to know that your Father's love is so deep and vast that you cannot possibly fathom it!
I am not ashamed of my tears but am grateful that my heart leads me back to the cross and not down a path of bitterness and sorrow!
'And I gave my heart to know wisdom, and to know maddness and folly; I perceived that this is also vexation of the spirit. For in much wisdom is much grief and he that increaseth sorrow."
Ecc 17:18
"For the Lord will not cast off forever but though he cause grief, yet will he have compassion according to the multitude of his mercies."
Lam. 3:31-32
I then moved on in scripture to praise. Praise is required even in the hard times. Praise brings our focus back into perspective.
"Because thy loving kindness is better than life, my lips shall praise thee. Thus will I bless thee while I live; I will lift up my hands in thine name. My soul shall be satisfied as with marrow and fatness: and my mouth shall praise thee with joyful lips: when I remember thee on my bed and meditate on thee in the night watches. Because thou hast been my help, therefore in the shadow of thy wings will I rejoice. My soul followeth hard after thee; they right hand upholdeth me."
Ps 63:3-7
My last place to dwell was on the Proverbs 31 woman. I needed to be reminded of where a real woman's worth is placed. I want to reflect Christ and teach my child about honoring the head of our home. I want my husband to trust my heart and people to see Christ in my handiwork.
This process has been a roller coaster of emotions but I always have to come back and focus on Christ, who is my joy. In focusing on that joy, I see the abundance of what God has given to me and I do not deserve. I am a blessed child of the king and that King counts every sprout of new hair on my head. How amazing is it to know that your Father's love is so deep and vast that you cannot possibly fathom it!
I am not ashamed of my tears but am grateful that my heart leads me back to the cross and not down a path of bitterness and sorrow!
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Spirit of....
One of the things that has been really impressed uopn my heart in the last 6 months is a spirit of gratefulness. Now I am going to be gut wrenching honest here so if you cannot handle it, don't read it. It is really hard to be grateful that you are having diahrea so much that you are too weak to stand, or whan you cannot keep food down for days on end and standing in front of a fridge makes you weep, when your body aches for days on end to the point that you are only able to get about 3 hours of sleep a day, when you are weeping hysterically out of sheer exhaustion and your husband can do nothing but rub your bald head, when you watch your hair fall out in your hands, when you start watching your long eyelashes wash down the sink, when you are irritable and cannot control it because of the meds, when you are staring at your deformed body in the mirror. when you have to get poked with a 2 inch needle in your chest 2 times a week, when you get poked with a 3 inch needle and have saline injected into your chest once a week.
These are just the things that are happening to me! There is also watching the strain on your husband over finances and realizing he can do nothing to help you but love you. Watching your daughter get hurt when her friends make fun of your bald head, when your daughter is just hurt because you cannot get out of the bed and take care of her. The list goes on and on.... however the list of things to be grateful for is so much longer!~
I have discovered that gratefulness is a quiet mind-set of sheer determination, mixed with lots of prayer and a desire to glorify God in all things.
"But the Lord said to Samuel, "Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things man looks at but looks at the heart."
-1 Samuel 16:7
I have developed friendships that are beyond precious to me, have been given gifts beyond my wild imagination, been loved in ways that I did not think possible. Afterall, this is little old me and yet God had people reach out to me and my family and love on us in a way that only God can do. My realtionship with God has grown and my relationship with my husband has grown. My prayer life and my prayer life with my family and husband has increased and I have also found a new level of mercy for people around me.
Whne you strat looking for God, you find Him everywhere! If you don't stop looking you will never cease to be amazed at how awesome and wonderful He is. My family has been given the gift of fire so that we can see Him more clearly. I do not wish this fire on anyone but I pray that somehow, you encounter God in such an intense way that out of the outpouring of your heart...there flows gratefulness!
These are just the things that are happening to me! There is also watching the strain on your husband over finances and realizing he can do nothing to help you but love you. Watching your daughter get hurt when her friends make fun of your bald head, when your daughter is just hurt because you cannot get out of the bed and take care of her. The list goes on and on.... however the list of things to be grateful for is so much longer!~
I have discovered that gratefulness is a quiet mind-set of sheer determination, mixed with lots of prayer and a desire to glorify God in all things.
"But the Lord said to Samuel, "Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things man looks at but looks at the heart."
-1 Samuel 16:7
I have developed friendships that are beyond precious to me, have been given gifts beyond my wild imagination, been loved in ways that I did not think possible. Afterall, this is little old me and yet God had people reach out to me and my family and love on us in a way that only God can do. My realtionship with God has grown and my relationship with my husband has grown. My prayer life and my prayer life with my family and husband has increased and I have also found a new level of mercy for people around me.
Whne you strat looking for God, you find Him everywhere! If you don't stop looking you will never cease to be amazed at how awesome and wonderful He is. My family has been given the gift of fire so that we can see Him more clearly. I do not wish this fire on anyone but I pray that somehow, you encounter God in such an intense way that out of the outpouring of your heart...there flows gratefulness!
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Year of Joy
For some reason I feel the need to review the year. This is more for me to take delight in than for your enjoyment but you are welcome to read along as I walk through this year in words.
Jan 2010 was a rough time for me, or so I thought. I was facing a very difficult job. Brian had no job as the year dawned and I had very little hope but was weakly trying to trust my Lord. Trying is an interesting word. I have found for me, that it is a word that is used to justify my sinning rather than just blind obedience. Oh, I still use the word but I am learning to try less and do more. Now back to the task at hand... by mid-Jan Brian had received an offer of employment with Vanderbilt Cancer Access Center. I was thrilled at the future possibilities and the amazing answer to prayer.
I now felt that God was allowing me, my time, to remove myself from a difficult work environment and raise the income of our little family. I began the serious possibility of finding a new job. In the meantime, my boss found her golden ticket out of there and my hopes rose. By April, I had begun the interview process with Sommet group and took the job at the end of May. We all know how that turned out! LOL If you do not... just goggle it!
My dreams were crushed by July. I lost my job. I had landed and lost a job that would advance my career and was a huge lift to the family budget. I had also discovered a lump in my left breast, just before I took the job at Sommet and it was about to rear its ugly head! Three days before I was told I probably had breast cancer, I lost my job! We had been planning a trip to Disney World for 3 years and had to make a decision if we should go through with it or cash in our tickets so we could live off the money till I found a job. We had already paid a non-refundable week stay at a condo, we had already bought the tickets and we had the money in savings for food and gas. We made the decision, that our family needed this time together because our future looked very uncertain.
That vacation we managed to completely forget about the breast cancer and job loss for 3 days. When we did remember, we actually laughed at how wonderful it was to just have fun! God was giving us something special to remember and treasure in the months to come. We came back from that vacation ready to face what lay ahead. Oddly enough, I was never scared of the word cancer. Somehow, God had just prepared my heart for it and I knew that this was my path. I was sad at what I thought it was going to take from me but never really scared. Brian's reaction was different. He was not prepared but he faced it head on and was amazing. He did break down a few times but it was an amazing show of strength to me to see him face his fears and weep at what God was asking. I watched my husband thank God for choosing us, I watched him ask God to teach us and use us during this time. I watched my husband lead his family through the fire with confidence in His Father.
In August, we faced the mastectomy, October we began chemo and now we sit halfway through this process. It will be full year in the making but what a testament to God's faithfulness.
A friend joined me at chemo today and reminded me of the wonderful book of Isaiah so I came home and started flipping through it. It is quite possibly one of my favorite books. It takes you through almost every human emotion. I landed on Isiah 12:2-6 and could not stop the tears as it truly is the testimony of my heart.
"Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The Lord, The Lord, is my strength and song; he has become my salvation. With joy you will draw water from the wells of salvation. In that day you will say; Give thanks to the Lord, call on his name; make known among the nations what he has done and proclaim that his name is exalted. Sing to the Lord for he has done glorious things; let this be know to the world. Shout aloud and sing for joy, people of Zion, for great is the Holy One of Israel among you."
What a beautiful passage! This last year is a year of joy, hope and proclamation for me! Each time I was "trying" to trust God, He gently reminded me that He was in control. My husband workedd for the Cancer Cetner and got transferred to the Breast Center! How amazing is that?!Each week we got so low in funds that Brian, knew we were going to need some help, a check would come in the mail. Every time I began to lose hope and grow weary, God reminded me that He showed me that cancer. That my doctor listened to me and that it was found 2 and a half years before I was scheduled for that mammogram! Two years from now, would have been 2 late. Every time that I grew concerned about the toll this was taking on my daughter, God reminded me that He is protecting her heart and she is doing well in that face of everything. I am singing and shouting at the wonder of my God. What Satan intended for evil... God has turned into a beautiful testimony of God's saints taking care of each other and depending on Him for healing and protection!
Jan 2010 was a rough time for me, or so I thought. I was facing a very difficult job. Brian had no job as the year dawned and I had very little hope but was weakly trying to trust my Lord. Trying is an interesting word. I have found for me, that it is a word that is used to justify my sinning rather than just blind obedience. Oh, I still use the word but I am learning to try less and do more. Now back to the task at hand... by mid-Jan Brian had received an offer of employment with Vanderbilt Cancer Access Center. I was thrilled at the future possibilities and the amazing answer to prayer.
I now felt that God was allowing me, my time, to remove myself from a difficult work environment and raise the income of our little family. I began the serious possibility of finding a new job. In the meantime, my boss found her golden ticket out of there and my hopes rose. By April, I had begun the interview process with Sommet group and took the job at the end of May. We all know how that turned out! LOL If you do not... just goggle it!
My dreams were crushed by July. I lost my job. I had landed and lost a job that would advance my career and was a huge lift to the family budget. I had also discovered a lump in my left breast, just before I took the job at Sommet and it was about to rear its ugly head! Three days before I was told I probably had breast cancer, I lost my job! We had been planning a trip to Disney World for 3 years and had to make a decision if we should go through with it or cash in our tickets so we could live off the money till I found a job. We had already paid a non-refundable week stay at a condo, we had already bought the tickets and we had the money in savings for food and gas. We made the decision, that our family needed this time together because our future looked very uncertain.
That vacation we managed to completely forget about the breast cancer and job loss for 3 days. When we did remember, we actually laughed at how wonderful it was to just have fun! God was giving us something special to remember and treasure in the months to come. We came back from that vacation ready to face what lay ahead. Oddly enough, I was never scared of the word cancer. Somehow, God had just prepared my heart for it and I knew that this was my path. I was sad at what I thought it was going to take from me but never really scared. Brian's reaction was different. He was not prepared but he faced it head on and was amazing. He did break down a few times but it was an amazing show of strength to me to see him face his fears and weep at what God was asking. I watched my husband thank God for choosing us, I watched him ask God to teach us and use us during this time. I watched my husband lead his family through the fire with confidence in His Father.
In August, we faced the mastectomy, October we began chemo and now we sit halfway through this process. It will be full year in the making but what a testament to God's faithfulness.
A friend joined me at chemo today and reminded me of the wonderful book of Isaiah so I came home and started flipping through it. It is quite possibly one of my favorite books. It takes you through almost every human emotion. I landed on Isiah 12:2-6 and could not stop the tears as it truly is the testimony of my heart.
"Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The Lord, The Lord, is my strength and song; he has become my salvation. With joy you will draw water from the wells of salvation. In that day you will say; Give thanks to the Lord, call on his name; make known among the nations what he has done and proclaim that his name is exalted. Sing to the Lord for he has done glorious things; let this be know to the world. Shout aloud and sing for joy, people of Zion, for great is the Holy One of Israel among you."
What a beautiful passage! This last year is a year of joy, hope and proclamation for me! Each time I was "trying" to trust God, He gently reminded me that He was in control. My husband workedd for the Cancer Cetner and got transferred to the Breast Center! How amazing is that?!Each week we got so low in funds that Brian, knew we were going to need some help, a check would come in the mail. Every time I began to lose hope and grow weary, God reminded me that He showed me that cancer. That my doctor listened to me and that it was found 2 and a half years before I was scheduled for that mammogram! Two years from now, would have been 2 late. Every time that I grew concerned about the toll this was taking on my daughter, God reminded me that He is protecting her heart and she is doing well in that face of everything. I am singing and shouting at the wonder of my God. What Satan intended for evil... God has turned into a beautiful testimony of God's saints taking care of each other and depending on Him for healing and protection!
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