Thursday, August 16, 2012
Emerging From My Cocoon
I have sat down at the computer many times in the last year yet I can rarely bring myself to pin my thoughts. It has been just over 2 years since my cancer diagnosis and for a year I had lived my life out loud. For the last year, I have felt the need to retreat. My personality has always been to work in the back ground therefore being so open was exhausting for me. I do believe that it is what God wanted me to do and I have no regrets giving friends and family a window into our life during that time. But after it was over and the last chemo celebration was done, I needed time to process. I also had the need for not every conversation to begin with the current length of my hair. Yes, I know, everyone was just excited and happy for me to actually have hair but I wanted to just be normal as fast as possible and that was not normal. I believe I was also not prepared for the healing that needed to take place. For the last year, my "A" type personality has taken a beating. I always feel out of control and as though I am constantly missing something. This has caused major anxiety and panic attacks. Driving back and forth to work is probably the worst time for this to rear it's ugly head. I loath driving now and often feel panicked when I do not know the intent of the driver beside me. There have been many afternoons that I had tears streaming down my face for most of the way home. During this year, I felt the need to push my family and friends needs in front of my own. For a solid year, my needs felt like the priority and I have just needed this time to take care of them. I am timid to mention prayer needs to others or share my heart with them because I believe they must be sick of stuff being about me. I have done the same thing with the Lord. I have felt so indebted to Him for the way He just carried me and my little family that I have ceased to live in grace. Living a year without grace has been a heavy burden to bear. Friends...I am tired and I have lost my joy. I am so busy living life, checking and re-checking lists that I have forgotten how to be still and rest in Him. For a year, I sat and for some reason I felt the need to pay back everyone and the Lord. All of those things, prayers, meals and love were given freely as gifts. Apparently, I am not very good at receiving them. I am slowly emerging from this cocoon of busy that I have built around myself and am learning to live again in God's grace. To accept what He has offered as a gift as He intended. I am learning about faith. I thought that I had learned this lesson already but turns out, I am very stubborn. It is a lot of work for me but I will be become vulnerable again and trust God's promises for my life. I know that the fear will fade and peace will return.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
God Is Good...
One year ago today I sat in a little curtained room with Brian for the very last time. After a 5 hour IV drip that pumped poison in my body, I walked away and was from that point forward a survivor. I am not going to lie, this anniversary has been very emotional for me. Who am I kidding…I am a drama filled, weeping , blubbery mess! However, it is not out of sadness for what took place in the past but out of a grateful heart.
My little family is so very different than we were a year ago. My little girl is about to turn 7 and this year she is charging through life taking no prisoners. She is very different from the timid, fearful little creature that was always attached to my lap last year. Anna Beth still asks questions and talks about it around once a week to let me know it is still very much on her mind. The difference… she states it as a fact, something in her past that affected her but no longer controls her. She is more compassionate towards others around her and she talks about God in an intimate way that tells me she has a real relationship with Him.
Brian, I watched slowly exhale as each step of the cancer process came to a close. After the last surgery, when I went back to work full-time and after the last bill was paid. He still hovers some but we are once again equal partners in all things regarding chores around the house. The difference…our conversations are about the future and not the past. They are about how God is working in our lives and not about how we are surviving day to day. And yes, there are a lot of conversations from all 3 of us about the adoption process we are currently walking through and what our little family will look like in the future.
For me, I am still a little weak, still a little tired and have a decent amount of hair on the top of my head which erases the signs that cancer was a huge part of my life one year ago. I have moved forward with gusto and have probably taken on too much since stepping back into the land of the living. I have been hesitant to take on the “survivor” role as many others before me have. There are several reasons for that. One, I did not want cancer to define me or make me special, it was simply something God used to grow me. Two, for my daughter’s sake, we needed to move past it. Three, I do not feel called to lead the charge in making people aware of breast cancer. There are people that God uses in that role but it is not for me. The difference…(Besides laying on the couch for days on end) I value things differently now than I once did and am more aware of the little moments. I have found beauty in the ashes and am looking with bright hope towards the future.
We have moved forward and occasionally look back to remember and thank God for what He has done. We have never asked God why and He has never offered an answer. My little family is scarred but not broken and are stronger in our faith and as a unit. We are also fully aware that we were surrounded at all times by faithful friends and family that supported us in prayer, spirit and many times, in body. As a fellow survivor recently stated…We rejoice today and celebrate what God has done but know that we would have celebrated and rejoiced in God no matter the outcome. He is faithful at all times and never ceases to be good!
My little family is so very different than we were a year ago. My little girl is about to turn 7 and this year she is charging through life taking no prisoners. She is very different from the timid, fearful little creature that was always attached to my lap last year. Anna Beth still asks questions and talks about it around once a week to let me know it is still very much on her mind. The difference… she states it as a fact, something in her past that affected her but no longer controls her. She is more compassionate towards others around her and she talks about God in an intimate way that tells me she has a real relationship with Him.
Brian, I watched slowly exhale as each step of the cancer process came to a close. After the last surgery, when I went back to work full-time and after the last bill was paid. He still hovers some but we are once again equal partners in all things regarding chores around the house. The difference…our conversations are about the future and not the past. They are about how God is working in our lives and not about how we are surviving day to day. And yes, there are a lot of conversations from all 3 of us about the adoption process we are currently walking through and what our little family will look like in the future.
For me, I am still a little weak, still a little tired and have a decent amount of hair on the top of my head which erases the signs that cancer was a huge part of my life one year ago. I have moved forward with gusto and have probably taken on too much since stepping back into the land of the living. I have been hesitant to take on the “survivor” role as many others before me have. There are several reasons for that. One, I did not want cancer to define me or make me special, it was simply something God used to grow me. Two, for my daughter’s sake, we needed to move past it. Three, I do not feel called to lead the charge in making people aware of breast cancer. There are people that God uses in that role but it is not for me. The difference…(Besides laying on the couch for days on end) I value things differently now than I once did and am more aware of the little moments. I have found beauty in the ashes and am looking with bright hope towards the future.
We have moved forward and occasionally look back to remember and thank God for what He has done. We have never asked God why and He has never offered an answer. My little family is scarred but not broken and are stronger in our faith and as a unit. We are also fully aware that we were surrounded at all times by faithful friends and family that supported us in prayer, spirit and many times, in body. As a fellow survivor recently stated…We rejoice today and celebrate what God has done but know that we would have celebrated and rejoiced in God no matter the outcome. He is faithful at all times and never ceases to be good!
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Resolutions
Yes, I made a list but I am not ready to share it with the world. I tend to keep my resolutions close to my heart because some of them tend to be very personal. This year is no exception and am hoping for many changes for my little family in many ways. We will share as we can. Every year I fail at a few but never stop hoping for success. My Father's mercies are new ever morning and this gives me hope to try again. I am looking forward to some milestones and looking back with a thankful heart.
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