The Scars of a Legalistic Christianity

Years ago, in another life, I traveled with a ministry that was revival centered. I thought this was going to be an incredible experience of growing deeply in the Lord and serving in a Children’s Pastor role. We traveled to a new church every two to three weeks and completely took over their services, children, and youth areas. Those three years of living on the road for ten months out of every year ended up being some of the darkest of my life.

 

Those three years almost caused me to walk away from any church association forever. Strangely enough, it was not the people that we ministered to that broke me; it was the leadership that I traveled with, supported, and took counsel from that caused the most harm. Early on I came to understand that leadership was our judge and jury. They were not there to actually invest in you as an individual, they were there to keep you in line and make sure that you did not tarnish the image of the ministry. There were long lists of rules, daily meetings that sent us into introspection for deeply rooted sin, and an overall sense of damnation. Before you assume I am being overly dramatic…one of the nights during the meetings, we actually taught the churches to walk through a list of sins, check each one that they had ever committed, and pray thoroughly for forgiveness. We were encouraged to go through this “sin list” weekly. My walk with the Lord quickly became exhausting, self-deprecating, and all grace had been removed.

 

I quickly became dubbed a “problem child”…was accused of things I had never done and disciplined accordingly. In the three years I served with this ministry I was moved to three different teams and apparently my “reputation” preceded me. I developed anxiety to such a level that I developed an auto-immune disorder which was interpreted as a way to seek attention. I considered suicide, I cried myself to sleep almost nightly, and I prayed for death or a rescue. In the end, I was given an ultimatum and chose to walk away from a ministry that I had felt called to serve in.

 

Not everyone in this ministry had this same experience but there were some that did and it was hard to recover from. In hindsight, I should have never been a part of such a ministry. Previous wounds from past experiences had made me vunerable and ill-prepared to deal with such a legalistic environment. Memories of this time recently came to the surface again through a discussion at church with my tribe and also being in contact with someone that is still a part of this ministry. Before I was prepared for it, emotions of brokenness welled up within me.

 

I don’t share this to bash a ministry that I once was a part but it reminded me as a parent, as a believer, as someone who is part of a body of Christ, do I fall into the trap of legalistic behavior? I struggle with this because I was raised in such an environment. I sometimes project this on my children and others…on of my greatest fears is that I will turn my children’s hearts away from Jesus in the effort of helping them become perfect Christians. I want to shower people with love dripping in grace. Can my children see discipline as an act of love because I am doing it the right way or am I damaging Christ’s reputation with my tongue? We as parents and believers are first called to love and then teach. I want to raise up people who share the love of their Father. I want them to be so intimately aquainted with their Father’s heart that others are drawn to Jesus.

 

 I am a broken individual with incredibly deep scars but my heart yearns to love my family and others. I still run from hurt and stay away from strong individuals that I fear their judgement…BUT God is teaching me still. Even at the age of forty-five God is growing me in my faith and my relationship with Him continues to deepen. I was not broken beyond his healing power…no one is and there is incredible mercy in knowing that.

The Cup Offense....

People are often confused about how kids/adults with autism respond to emotion or don’t appear to respond to emotion. At times it appears that people with autism don’t have emotion but in fact, the opposite is true. They can have powerful emotional reactions but do not know how to respond to those emotions appropriately. It is for this reason that we often spend our days telling Adi when we are excited, happy, sad, proud, etc. We make him look at us so he can start to recognize the physical and vocal cues. We show and tell him how to respond to each of these emotions. If mommy is happy… smile and give a high five! If mommy is sad… give her a hug. If you did something wrong… say I’m sorry and give a hug. Sometimes he is so upset that he messed up that he gets angry with himself and since he does not know how to express that emotion, he attacks. Thus begins the story of a cup…

 

Sunday night we were eating dinner and Adi seemed agitated about something. In the middle of the meal, he gets up from his chair, walks over to Anna Beth and knocks her cup of water over, then returned to his seat. It was in that moment that Brian and I realized Anna Beth had inadvertently used one of his cups. We have those little plastic party cups with different characters on them such as Paw Patrol, Dory, Star Wars, etc. They are the perfect size, Anna Beth has Star Wars ones and the rest of them are Adi’s. He knew immediately that she was using one of his cups and he was offended. We all sat there in stunned silence for a few minutes before jumping into action to clean up the mess. Once the water, ice, table, and floor were dry Anna Beth looked at me and said, “I don’t understand why he is not in time-out!” It was at that point that I realized we had not really addressed the poor choice with Adi in our hurry to clean up the mess and help Anna Beth.

 

I got up from my chair, went over to Adi and asked for his hand. At that point, I lightly tapped the hand that had pushed over the cup and told him that it was not ok to knock over Anna Beth’s water and if he did not like her using his cup, he needed to use his words. I don’t think I even finished my sentence before he lunged at me and started clawing my face. Again, he was angry about the cup, he was upset that he disappointed momma and that was a lot of emotion to process so he lashed out. Brian had to head around the table and peel him off of me at that point and it took a full hour for him to calm down. He could not even stand to be within view of the two of us for an hour. After a time-out with daddy, some deep compression hugs and reassurances from momma that I loved him no matter what, he walked into the living room, kissed Anna Beth and I, and apologized to both of us without any prompting.

 

You would think this was the end of it but you would be wrong. He has been angry for 3 days people. He cannot tell you why, he cannot process the emotions he is feeling, and he expels crocodile tears every time he lashes out because he does not want to hurt us. Last night found me in Walmart with an angry Adi that kept clawing my face and chest every time I got within arm’s length. At one point I was calmly talking to a Sales Associate while holding Adi’s arms as he was trying to lunge and attack me. To the Sales Associate’s credit, he did not respond to Adi’s antics at all and continued taking care of my needs as though he completely understood the situation.  

 

These situations are rare but that does not make them any less hard. Before you think Adi has completely recovered from the trauma of adoption, you are reminded of the lack of trust and deep hurt that comes out in situations like these. The response ALWAYS has to be a calm spirit, lots of grace, and reassurance of unconditional love while at the same time teaching a better response. The goal is to remain gentle and calm so he responds in kind. It hurts the heart and yes, after it is over I break down but God is there to lean into and gives comfort. The Lord prepared us for this, He poured out all kinds of grace so we can be gentle in the face of hard. While I expect Brian and I to be able to have the strength and knowledge to do this I am always in awe of how much God prepared Anna Beth as well. Adi can be lunging at her and instead of anger… she holds his hands and reminds him that he is safe, that Jesus loves him, and that she does too.

 

When you see that parent in the store dealing with a hard situation such as this….please don’t judge but pray over them. Shoot them a gentle smile or offer to help. These parents need community support and these kids need your understanding. The world is filtered through a different lens for them but it is not any less beautiful or precious.

Thirteen...

 My sweet girl…today you turn thirteen and I am still as in awe of you as I was the day I found out you were coming. You were a miracle to me, one that I never thought I would be a part of and I am so grateful God knit you together, making me your momma.

 

You have faced hard things this year and in years past. You have walked a path at times that others your age have not. But it has also given you an incredible perspective and empathy for others that are walking through hard things. I have seen/heard you ask hard questions so you can define your faith and position. I have watched you be unwilling to change or bend to become “typical.” I have seen you fight the battle of conforming to a group of followers and instead blaze new paths. You are a leader which is often misunderstood for controlling. You are learning to identify your weaknesses and work to strengthen them. This year I have watched you become discouraged but you are working hard to keep fighting the hard thing. I have watched you work at learning how to balance respect while standing for what is right.

 

I admire your ability to talk to strangers and befriend them. While your cats drive me crazy, I love the way you adore them. I find your obsession with Star Wars, Lilo and Stitch, rocks, and even Build A Bear endearing. I find the way you see deep meaning in simple things stunning. I am grateful that you seek mine and your daddy’s counsel rather than running to unsafe places, even when it can be embarrassing or hard. While your level of energy often exhausts me, I smile and cannot imagine you being different. Thank you for loving your brother with such fierceness. Thank you for praying for God to bring him into our family and then celebrating the change rather than mourning your loss of being an only child.

 

You make me shake my head each time you incur a new injury and yet you also amaze me at your genuine toughness. From walking on a fractured knee for two weeks to falling from the top of a jungle gym and never shedding a tear. You have more resolve to fight through pain than many men I know. On the flip side I have seen you weep over a hamster that was suffering. While I may at times grow weary of the amazing volume of words you can say in under five minutes, I love that you want to share all those thoughts with me.

 

I want you to know that I am always praying over you. That I am committed to being a prayer warrior for you. I pray each day that you are aware of Jesus’s presence and that you live out that life of integrity. I pray that you are kind and others see Jesus in your countenance. My hope is that my walk with Jesus is evident to you and that you are also learning to walk in constant communication with Him. I pray you can learn to identify our Father’s work in your life each day, not just in the big hard things but in the small ones as well. May you find contentment and joy in simply being in communion with your heavenly Father. Don’t forget to lean into Him when you are tempted to fix things on your own. Remember that failing well and accepting grace is just as important as being right. Don’t ever be so content in your relationships that you stop working on them. Everything with value takes nurturing.

 

I am proud of you. For who you are now, not who you will be but in this moment… I am proud of you. I will always love you and will be a safe place for you. I love being your momma, even the hard work of that thing I call being a parent. You were created for the specific purpose of glorifying Jesus so keep your eyes set on that goal. I will be right there with you…also failing, also receiving grace, and encouraging you forward.  Happy Birthday my sweet girl! You are celebrated, cherished, and loved beyond your imagination!

Dear Momma of Littles-

I see you and I remember those hard days that never seem to end. Those days of teaching discipline and walking through what feels like the same day over and over. There is truth to the saying, “The days are long but the years are short.” There is nothing that I can say that will make you feel better about the hard of those days. The decisions of natural, organic, homeschooling…they all seem huge. I am an older parent caught between two worlds and I often feel painfully inadequate. God often reminds me that I do not have to be the perfect parent but I am the parent my children need. One is still little and the other has reached teen status. There are hard things about both those worlds but I want to remind you that you are working to raise adults. You are not exhausting yourself and giving your all each day to raise functional children…your end goal is functional adults. And to raise that bar, if you are a believer, your fight is so much more than that. You are in a battle, so make sure you are armed. Make sure that you have done the hard work of caring for you, your marriage, and your relationship with your heavenly Father.

My greatest fear for my oldest was not her learning to potty train, or holding my hand as we crossed the street. It was her being able to distinguish the truth of her faith from the false teaching. Being grounded in who she was as she walked into a large middle school where kids were trying to identify the difference between transgender, they/them vs. he and she, bisexual, transsexual, etc.. Supporting her as she found her place in middle school society and accepted that it is was ok not to be one of the cool kids. That she was unique and perfect just the way God created her and did not need to conform to be accepted. I prayed that she would reach out to me with her pain, her questions, her curiosity and that I would be ready with honest answers. It has been hard coaching her on working through conflict with teachers and peers. To know when it was time to step in as a parent and when it is wise to let her learn from her choices. As parents, we made the deliberate decision many years ago to let our kids fail…we wanted them to fail when we were still there to guide them through that challenge. We want them to leave us knowing how to fail, face it, and make wise choices going forward. We want to teach them to be prepared and have a plan of action for everything.

My girl and I recently had an incredibly difficult conversation. She texted us in the middle of the day sharing about a 17 year old that she knew was pregnant. She was judgmental, harsh, and lacked empathy. My immediate reaction was to be careful in response because I knew she would remember my reaction if she ever found herself in the same situation. I also wanted her to learn from this…that unless you have a plan and boundaries in place before you ever go on a date, you will fail morally EVERY.SINGLE.TIME.   We had deep heart talks about being compassionate, about knowing your plan for dating, about responding in love. It was beautifully hard. Each day I find deep meaning in my relationship with my middle schooler. She listens to everything I say, she stores it in her memory banks, she watches my reactions to her, she listens to the tone of my voice. EVERY single thing I say to her has significance. Every single thing she observes has significance. From mine and my husband’s relationship to our personal relationships with Jesus, has influence on her.  It either points her to Jesus or drives her to seek answers in this world that needs Jesus. The world wants her…they are trying desperately to reach her…we as parents have to be ready to teach truth. To not run from the hard conversations but lean into them.

Parenting does not get easier as they get older, it gets more complicated. It requires more thought, planning, and living out your faith in front of them. My dear friends that are parents of littles, you are just in training to be the parent your child needs as they age. As my children age, I see so much that I lack and it makes me run to the cross. Intentional parenting is so hard. It requires so much work but our goal is to raise Jesus lovers. We care not if they have successful careers, marry well, give us lots of grandchildren. If they are Jesus lovers, they will attract the right mate, they will be successful in the job God has for them, and they will be wonderful, intentional parents someday.

Parents of Littles…I am praying for you. I see your tired faces in the halls of church, the aisles of the stores, and at the endless activities. Don’t lose your focus in the daily grind that never seems to end. Before you know it, you will be facing a middle schooler, a high schooler, and a college student that needs your wisdom. Walk away from those dishes and invest in the relationship with your child when they are little. Become their closest relationship so that you can speak truth when they need it most. Find your tribe but chose carefully… pray for one another, allow the tribe to build relationships with your children so they can be a positive influence. The battle lines are hard to see sometimes but they are real and you are fighting for so much more than the daily grind of dishes, laundry, homework, etc. Don’t be judgmental of that other parent; just be the encouragement they need because someday you will need it to.