Today I dropped my girl off for her last day of Kindergarten in the same outfit she wore on her first day. Memories of her this last year flooded my mind and tears flooded my eyes.
I remember being at the parent orientation back in August of 2010, quietly talking to her teacher about the emotional roller coaster Anna Beth would be facing this year. Cancer is a word that had just entered AB's vocabulary and she had not even begun to understand what kind of effect it would have on her life.
Physically, Anna Beth has changed very little. She is a little bit taller, her foot size is the same. Her weight has increased slightly and her hair is longer. However if you look in her eyes, you see something very different. Those eyes tell a story of a little girl that learned about dependence on God. A story that changed her world forever and yet taught her how to pray and grow her faith.
I watched from the couch and bed this year as my little girl developed heavy burdens. She would look at me in fear if I seemed really sick or tired. Anna Beth spent alot of time in my lap and her independence faded as she felt a need to be close to us. When we saw the fear, we would often stop to pray together and in doing so, prayer became her safe place. She often asked us to pray about whatever was weighing heavy on her heart. There were many nights that Brian just simply prayed her to sleep.
Anna Beth asked alot of questions and we were honest with our answers without sharing too much as to not burden her. She asked often to see my scars and would rub my head when she was worried. We were honest when she asked for something and we could not provide it for her. She understood that money was tight but we also shared when God provided for us by using others in our lives. It was very special to see her appreciate God answering our prayers when we could not do it on our own.
As the year progressed, we spent alot of time reading together and in the end just listening to her read. We were and are still amazed at how much she learned during such a difficult time. She now can recognize nouns vs. verbs. She can structure sentences and can write short stories with punctuation. Her writing sparked her imagination and it became the way she expressed herself. I often received notes about how much she loved me,how she was praying for me and the things that she missed doing with me.
Relationships were hard for her this year. Anna Beth often felt the need to control her world and in doing so she struggled with allowing others to lead during play time. Many were the tears about how someone did not want to play with her anymore. We had countless conversations about being a real friend and how to share time. Yet, there was a sensitivity that developed in her heart towards others that were hurting. I listened to her tell stories of little girls or boys that she defended and protected. Anna Beth began to notice homeless on the side of the road or people that seemed sad. She began to come up with ways to help them or pray for them. She currently has a plan underway to do chores around the house, to earn money to give to a homeless charity.
We have been and will continue to see the effects of breast cancer on her heart, Right now she is struggling with fear of her own health. Every little ache and pain that is voiced ends with a request to go to the doctor. When she does go to the doctor, I see relief on her face as the doctor tells her that she has just a little bug and will be ok. In return, when Brian and I are sick, she is quick to cover us with blankets or gets us water. She loves playing nurse and taking care of the people that she loves.
As she skipped into her building this morning full of excitement I was one proud and grateful momma. Anna Beth's burdens are getting lighter and I am seeing more smiles on her face. I know that the Lord will heal her heart and this odyssey that she has been on, God will one day use in her life. My little girl will never be the same and in some ways she had to grow up very fast. In many ways I believe that God allowed this in our lives to shape all of us, including my little girl. She is very special and I believe that God will use her in a very special way someday. Right now, I am just grateful to be her mommy and am proud of the way she has matured and grown!
