People are often confused about how kids/adults with autism
respond to emotion or don’t appear to respond to emotion. At times it appears
that people with autism don’t have emotion but in fact, the opposite is true.
They can have powerful emotional reactions but do not know how to respond to
those emotions appropriately. It is for this reason that we often spend our
days telling Adi when we are excited, happy, sad, proud, etc. We make him look
at us so he can start to recognize the physical and vocal cues. We show and
tell him how to respond to each of these emotions. If mommy is happy… smile and
give a high five! If mommy is sad… give her a hug. If you did something wrong…
say I’m sorry and give a hug. Sometimes he is so upset that he messed up that
he gets angry with himself and since he does not know how to express that
emotion, he attacks. Thus begins the story of a cup…
Sunday night we were eating dinner and Adi seemed agitated
about something. In the middle of the meal, he gets up from his chair, walks
over to Anna Beth and knocks her cup of water over, then returned to his seat.
It was in that moment that Brian and I realized Anna Beth had inadvertently used one of his cups. We have those little plastic party cups with different characters
on them such as Paw Patrol, Dory, Star Wars, etc. They are the perfect size, Anna
Beth has Star Wars ones and the rest of them are Adi’s. He knew immediately that
she was using one of his cups and he was offended. We all sat there in stunned
silence for a few minutes before jumping into action to clean up the mess. Once
the water, ice, table, and floor were dry Anna Beth looked at me and said, “I
don’t understand why he is not in time-out!” It was at that point that I
realized we had not really addressed the poor choice with Adi in our hurry to
clean up the mess and help Anna Beth.
I got up from my chair, went over to Adi and asked for his
hand. At that point, I lightly tapped the hand that had pushed over the cup and
told him that it was not ok to knock over Anna Beth’s water and if he did not
like her using his cup, he needed to use his words. I don’t think I even
finished my sentence before he lunged at me and started clawing my face. Again,
he was angry about the cup, he was upset that he disappointed momma and that
was a lot of emotion to process so he lashed out. Brian had to head around the
table and peel him off of me at that point and it took a full hour for him to
calm down. He could not even stand to be within view of the two of us for an
hour. After a time-out with daddy, some deep compression hugs and reassurances
from momma that I loved him no matter what, he walked into the living room,
kissed Anna Beth and I, and apologized to both of us without any prompting.
You would think this was the end of it but you would be
wrong. He has been angry for 3 days people. He cannot tell you why, he cannot
process the emotions he is feeling, and he expels crocodile tears every time he
lashes out because he does not want to hurt us. Last night found me in Walmart
with an angry Adi that kept clawing my face and chest every time I got within
arm’s length. At one point I was calmly talking to a Sales Associate while
holding Adi’s arms as he was trying to lunge and attack me. To the Sales
Associate’s credit, he did not respond to Adi’s antics at all and continued taking
care of my needs as though he completely understood the situation.
These situations are rare but that does not make them any
less hard. Before you think Adi has completely recovered from the trauma of
adoption, you are reminded of the lack of trust and deep hurt that comes out in
situations like these. The response ALWAYS has to be a calm spirit, lots of
grace, and reassurance of unconditional love while at the same time teaching a
better response. The goal is to remain gentle and calm so he responds in kind. It
hurts the heart and yes, after it is over I break down but God is there to lean
into and gives comfort. The Lord prepared us for this, He poured out all kinds
of grace so we can be gentle in the face of hard. While I expect Brian and I to
be able to have the strength and knowledge to do this I am always in awe of how
much God prepared Anna Beth as well. Adi can be lunging at her and instead of
anger… she holds his hands and reminds him that he is safe, that Jesus loves
him, and that she does too.
When you see that parent in the store dealing with a hard
situation such as this….please don’t judge but pray over them. Shoot them a
gentle smile or offer to help. These parents need community support and these
kids need your understanding. The world is filtered through a different lens
for them but it is not any less beautiful or precious.
