When you drop a rock in a pond the ripples from it appear to last for a very long time. This has been true for us. Our rock was cancer and the ripples, while not noticeable from the outside to most, continue to have an affect on our family. We try to keep it within the confines of our little home because we know people grow weary of hearing it but behind our walls those ripples reach deep in our hearts.
Brian rides the ripple of doctors appointments. Each one, he texts me if he has not heard from me within the time-line he expects. While we both know that more than likely everything is going to be fine, there is always the chance that they could find something else lurking in the shadows.
Mine is the anxiety attacks. I grow anxious when I feel like things in my world are not going according to schedule or I have lost track of something, I panic. I have combated this with constant lists and preparing things way in advance. My poor family and co-workers have learned to listen for the panic in my voice.
Anna Beth's is far more complicated and harder for Mommy and Daddy to deal with. She still has a fear of her Mommy dying. We never used that word around her or even hinted that it could happen but somehow my girl developed a fear of this happening. As a result, she has trouble being away from me for long periods and cannot spend the night at her friend's houses.
The other night, we decided to have a family movie night and Brian picked up Mars needs Moms. This appeared to be an innocent movie but became much more than that for us. Anna Beth was nervous from the get-go and there is a scene in the movie where the mom almost dies. At that point Anna Beth ran from the room crying hysterically and it took us about 20 minutes to calm her down. She stated over and over that she knew it was not real but she was afraid that it was going to give her bad dreams. We would have never rented that movie had we realized the content of it. After much prayer with our little girl she was able to calm and go to sleep. She remained clingy most of the weekend but her heart seemed to have recovered.
Daily we long for the ripple effect to stop but we know that God is using those ripples to continue to refine us. Someday the last ripple will each shore and our healing will be complete but until then we will continue to live in Proverbs 3:5-6
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight."
Such a simple verse and truth yet sometimes one of the biggest challenges. We continue to trust that God allowed this in our lives for His purpose and glory. The hard part of trusting for us comes when it is time to move forward. Part of our hearts still cling to the fears of the unknown. No one ever told me that conquering the cancer was only part of the process. This has taken us all by surprise. I heard one survivor put it perfectly. "The problem is, that you are no longer sick!" Such a true statement and yet also very hard to admit. You expect the hair to return, go back to work and life to return to normal but we have discovered that "normal" does not really work for us anymore. We have all been changed by cancer and are still learning how to live with the effects of it.
Someday we will go an entire day without thinking about what we walked through but for right now we celebrate every hour that passes and our minds have been otherwise engaged. Someday we will celebrate Anna Beth's first sleep over since this all began and someday our hearts will be fully at peace. For now, we mark each little milestone and find comfort in the shadow of God.
