"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, lacking nothing." -James 1:2-4
My husband directed me to those verses today and they are a perfect picture of where my heart is resting. The last few weeks I have found so much joy in many ways.
To name a few:
1. Discovering genuine concern and care from people. We have developed new relationships and deepened old ones. We have found the power of people's prayers for us to be a great encouragement and comfort.
2. Seeing God's hand guiding us over the last couple of years to this point. Each job move, lack of jobs, losing material items when our home was broken into has only deepened our faith and dependency on God. What an amazing journey to this point.
3. Listening to Anna Beth's Witty banter has become all the sweeter. Watching her and her friends playing on the slip-n-slide full of giggles brings smiles to our faces. Even the satisfaction of cleaning our home together and realizing the wonderful place that God has provided for us gives us joy.
4. My favorite has been laying in my husband's arms, sharing my heart and my tears. He has listened, shared and prayed words of comfort over me. We have openly talked about how each step of this process is and will affect our marriage. At the same time we have openly talked about our commitment to one another and to developing our faith.
These are just a few of the things where I found joy. I know that the plans that my Father has for me are to prosper me and not to harm me. Thursday is approaching quickly and I will lose a part of me that I l felt has defined me as a woman for the last 28 years. I have discovered in the last few weeks that my heart has not changed and that is what my husband loves. Tears have been shed and will continue at times but they will not consume me. This fire that we walk through as a family will prove out our faith and trust in God. Joy will come in the morning and I look forward to seeing what God has up his sleeve next!
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Grief At My Door
Ahhh, the grief has come in waves since my appointment with the surgeon this afternoon. What I believed was going to be a simple lumpectomy has turned into so much more. The MRI revealed another mass that is attached to the original one. It appears to be about 6 centimeters long and they believe it to be pre-cancerous however it must be treated the same. It must come out. This means a full mastectomy on the left side. I was not prepared for this mentally and it hit me hard. All I could picture is seeing myself in the mirror for the first time and what that moment would feel like.
Right now I cannot stop the tears but even in the middle of them, my God is here. The only thing I can do is search the Word for comfort and so I began to do a word search on grief in my Bible. It has taken me to Lamentations 3
starting in vs. 19 "I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope. Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassion never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness... vs 32 Though He brings grief, He will show compassion so great is His unfailing love."
I realize that these verses are being used in the context of the consequences of sin however right now they are a balm on my heart. I realize that grief is but a step in this process and there will be more tears in days to come. For now I am in this moment. This moment of being comforted by my Father. This moment of pain is not unnoticed by Him. He is here, loving me and my family as we cope with the path that is before us. I am falling before Him, knowing that my body is not my own. It is His to use and teach me and show me His glory.
Right now I cannot stop the tears but even in the middle of them, my God is here. The only thing I can do is search the Word for comfort and so I began to do a word search on grief in my Bible. It has taken me to Lamentations 3
starting in vs. 19 "I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope. Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassion never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness... vs 32 Though He brings grief, He will show compassion so great is His unfailing love."
I realize that these verses are being used in the context of the consequences of sin however right now they are a balm on my heart. I realize that grief is but a step in this process and there will be more tears in days to come. For now I am in this moment. This moment of being comforted by my Father. This moment of pain is not unnoticed by Him. He is here, loving me and my family as we cope with the path that is before us. I am falling before Him, knowing that my body is not my own. It is His to use and teach me and show me His glory.
Friday, August 6, 2010
Trama in MRI
So today marks the most traumatic step in this process thus far. I realize this is silly but the MRI just about did me in today!
I am not sure how many of you have ever had an MRI but basically they stuff you in a 6 foot tube and leave you there for about 30 to 40 minutes. So first they tell me all about what they are going to do, from the IV to the noises and then they strapped me in a girdle so tight that it hurts to breathe. From that point they load me on the moving bed of death! Seriously, this thing is torture! So, at first they had my head in this little contraption that made me feel like I was suffocating. As soon as they slid the chubby girl into the small tube that compressed all major organs, I begged them to remove the Darth Vader mask. Once I had air blowing on my face I felt better and thought, sure I can make it through a few minutes in here. Uh, what was I thinking! Every torturous second I spent in there praying for God to help me breathe and stay clam. I made it till the last 3 minutes before tears started pouring down my face and I squeezed the call button. Cindy was very sweet and told me it was just 3 minutes more. I don' think I breathed for 3 minutes! As soon as the machine stopped making the hideous nosies, I heard the ladies burst in the room and started unplugging me from the oxygen and IV. As soon as they pulled me out I burst into sobs but they were there with cold wet towels, water, a back rub and soft words of comfort. They promised that I could cry and they were going to be through this entire journey with me to listen and support me. I felt ridiculous for losing it like that but I could not have had better support to walk me through it.
Again, how can I ask, "why me?" when my Father has surrounded me with some of the sweetest people to walk me through this. God has set me up with one of the best surgeons in the nation at one of the leading hospitals in the area of breast cancer. God has literally given me some of the best and how can I be anything but grateful.
While laying stuffed in that tube of death, my mind kept replaying parts of one of my favorite Psalms. It is passage 91 and it goes something like this... He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust... If you make the Most High your dwelling, even the Lord, who is my refuge- then no harm will befall you, no disaster will come near your tent... "Because he loves me," says the Lord, I will rescue him; I will protect him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him. (Best part!) With long life will I satisfy him and show him my salvation."
What a promise to live in right now! A more content woman you could not find right now because I am there, resting in His shadow.
I am not sure how many of you have ever had an MRI but basically they stuff you in a 6 foot tube and leave you there for about 30 to 40 minutes. So first they tell me all about what they are going to do, from the IV to the noises and then they strapped me in a girdle so tight that it hurts to breathe. From that point they load me on the moving bed of death! Seriously, this thing is torture! So, at first they had my head in this little contraption that made me feel like I was suffocating. As soon as they slid the chubby girl into the small tube that compressed all major organs, I begged them to remove the Darth Vader mask. Once I had air blowing on my face I felt better and thought, sure I can make it through a few minutes in here. Uh, what was I thinking! Every torturous second I spent in there praying for God to help me breathe and stay clam. I made it till the last 3 minutes before tears started pouring down my face and I squeezed the call button. Cindy was very sweet and told me it was just 3 minutes more. I don' think I breathed for 3 minutes! As soon as the machine stopped making the hideous nosies, I heard the ladies burst in the room and started unplugging me from the oxygen and IV. As soon as they pulled me out I burst into sobs but they were there with cold wet towels, water, a back rub and soft words of comfort. They promised that I could cry and they were going to be through this entire journey with me to listen and support me. I felt ridiculous for losing it like that but I could not have had better support to walk me through it.
Again, how can I ask, "why me?" when my Father has surrounded me with some of the sweetest people to walk me through this. God has set me up with one of the best surgeons in the nation at one of the leading hospitals in the area of breast cancer. God has literally given me some of the best and how can I be anything but grateful.
While laying stuffed in that tube of death, my mind kept replaying parts of one of my favorite Psalms. It is passage 91 and it goes something like this... He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust... If you make the Most High your dwelling, even the Lord, who is my refuge- then no harm will befall you, no disaster will come near your tent... "Because he loves me," says the Lord, I will rescue him; I will protect him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him. (Best part!) With long life will I satisfy him and show him my salvation."
What a promise to live in right now! A more content woman you could not find right now because I am there, resting in His shadow.
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