Hitting the wall can be quite painful. I have reached that place often lately and find myself retreating. It is hard to face my friends because they see and hear it in my voice. I am not supposed to be weak!The last few weeks have been overwhelming and difficult to wade through and I am just tired.
Tired of fighting ants on a daily and hourly basis. Tired of washing each and every dish in the house because the stupid dishwasher is broken and ants love dirty dishes. Tired of not being able to get out of bed except to crawl to the bathroom. Tired of standing in front of the fridge in tears, knowing I need to eat but not wanting to try. Tired of wondering if I will have work to do this week to help my husband with the bills and wondering if I will even have a job at the end of this. Tired of watching the weight of the world on my husband's shoulders. Tired of watching my daughter quietly try to understand why her world is so very different. Tired of just fighting a battle that never seems to end...
Every time I hit that emotional wall and land face first in the dirt, I see just how really weak that I am. God is there each and every time. Gently He picks me up and reminds me that I am trying to do it on my own again. I am trying to fix it, clean it up or carry a burden that I do not own. I can almost feel His mighty hand lifting my chin to look into His glory as He says, my child, you have forgotten that your strength and joy is found in Me! You are not trusting the One that created you and has prepared the way for you! Let go and remember that my yoke is meant to be light, not a means of restraint.
Again, I have traveled to Psalms where I am reminded of God's glory and holiness. Psalm 84 is becoming my heart cry as I dust off from my fall and accept God's grace in my weakness.
"1 How lovely is your dwelling place, LORD Almighty! 2 My soul yearns, even faints, for the courts of the LORD; my heart and my flesh cry out for the living God. 3 Even the sparrow has found a home, and the swallow a nest for herself, where she may have her young— a place near your altar, LORD Almighty, my King and my God. 4 Blessed are those who dwell in your house; they are ever praising you. 5 Blessed are those whose strength is in you, whose hearts are set on pilgrimage. 6 As they pass through the Valley of Baka, they make it a place of springs; the autumn rains also cover it with pools. 7 They go from strength to strength, till each appears before God in Zion. 8 Hear my prayer, LORD God Almighty; listen to me, God of Jacob. 9 Look on our shield, O God; look with favor on your anointed one. 10 Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere; I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of the wicked. 11 For the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD bestows favor and honor; no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless. 12 LORD Almighty, blessed is the one who trusts in you."
I want to live near the altar! I want my heart set on the pilgrimage! My goal is to go from strength to strength till I stand before God and I want my legacy to be that in all things... I trusted and praised the One that created me!
