Triggers...

Last night at dinner, I was watching and interacting with my little family. It has been almost 4 months of being a family of 4 and sometimes Brian and I take for granted how much has changed in those 4 months. We are basically in a routine and everyone, for the most part has adjusted and integrated into our roles. We contentedly march along and then we suddenly get smacked in the face with a painful trigger. Some of our family had come to town a little over a week ago and stayed in a hotel. Brian took the kids over to swim in the hotel pool and visit. Adi fell apart. It was the first time he had been in a hotel since we traveled to New Jersey to bring him home. He was overcome with fear that we would abandon him and it has set off a series of triggers for over a week now.

Brian and I realized that the worst thing we could do, would be to change our schedule and cater to his fears so we have kept up our schedules of school, activities and church. Everywhere we go, he asks if we are coming back to get him. We discuss it before, after and each time we pick him up, the smile that covers his face breaks my heart. I understand that smile comes from the relief that mommy and daddy did not abandon him. One moment he is crying and the next he is angry and abusive.
It is exhausting to face those ups and downs and no, we do not always respond the right way. There were times this weekend that I was so weary of watching my little boy attack Anna Beth that I would grow angry. Not really angry at Adi but angry at the brokenness that has caused such fear and grief. I also saw hope in those moments of deep hurt. Adi has begun to pray when he gets upset. He will stop, with tears in his eyes, his fists clinched, and just start thanking Jesus for everything. He may thank God for Kindergarten, doors, his snack, etc but he is turning his anger into a list of things to be grateful for. Brian and I have, from the moment we brought him home, prayed over him when he is scared, upset and angry. We talk to Jesus as though he is right there with us and ask God to calm Adi, to let him know that Jesus loves him and will protect him. We thank Jesus for our family, for how he is with us at all times and how he made us special. Last night, out of the blue, Adi said, “Mommy, pray with me” and so I did. He sat in the floor with his hands clasped, eyes wide open and listened to me pray, interrupting at times to tell me something else to pray for and it was precious.

God is making himself real to Adi. Despite autism and the limitations society places on this diagnosis, Adi is learning that Jesus loves him. Our God has no barriers to revealing his presence. Someday I fully believe that God will break through and Adi will understand the degree to which Jesus was willing to sacrifice for him. The layers of paperwork, home visits, waiting and grief are so that Adi can learn of Jesus deep devotion to him.

Anna Beth is learning how to love beyond the anger and pain. She is learning to recognize God working through this hard season. I knew that God had prepared her heart for this but it still amazes me to see my 11 year old respond to abuse with love and understanding. This does not mean she is happy about it but she is understanding, that while Adi loves her deeply, his hurt is just as deep. His responses are not appropriate but he has no other skills to express it. Little by little we are seeing this change as we are seeing the trust deepen.

We are careful to not make promises without follow through, we are careful to keep schedules and offer constant assurances. We are adjusting to a life of deep grief and abundant joy. The work is hard, the rewards are too numerous to count but we try. I am a grateful momma that has seen God surround my little ones with people that point them to Jesus. I am grateful for a church that has supported, prayed over and embraced our family. I am grateful for our family that has accepted our choice for adoption and jumped in to love with Adi abandon.

If you think of it, we are traveling with Adi for the first time this weekend. We are preparing him as much as we are able but we will be staying in a hotel. This is likely to cause some fear but this trip, in the end, will also gain trust. Pray for Adi’s heart to feel safe, that he will learn to trust our commitment to him. That we, as his parents and sister, will continue to love him through this hard, to point him to Jesus when he is unsure. We love our little guy with the broken story and big brown eyes. We are stunned each day to be entrusted with his heart.

Behind The Perfectly Painted Door...

There are nights Brian and I lie in bed with a cute little boy snuggled between us and we are stunned. It has been 3 long, exhausting months. As hard as the days and nights are, they are easy compared to the wait to get here. As much as we trusted God when we paid fees, filled out paperwork, went through the process of interviews and updates year after year, we are still stunned. We never expected this…this precious little boy that has filled our hearts and broken them at the same time.

You have seen the pictures on social media. The pictures of couples with chalk boards, balloons, and baby shoes, declaring their intention to adopt. They are sentimental and they get us all feely and cheered up about someone doing something good in this world. You see them raising money and blasting their excitement all over the place. You may even see some of them preparing baby rooms and making plans. Slowly you hear about it less and less and then it just gets quiet. Let me tell you what is happening behind their perfectly painted door…they are grieving. Many of them have gone through years of infertility that walked them down a long path of dying to a dream.

You see, one day they got married, had the perfect wedding, waited the appropriate amount of time and then started trying to have that baby everyone was always asking about. They realized it was taking too long so they changed the way they ate, they tried all these holistic methods, they went to doctors but the reality is… God’s plans are not our plans. Sometimes He says no to our dreams. Sometimes he directs our path differently than we expected. Everyone asking them about when they are going to start that perfect little family just makes it hurt all over again. Then one day, that same sweet couple, after walking through the hard of that grief, hear God calling them to adopt. It seems like the perfect solution and they would be affecting the life of a child who might never know of our heavenly Father otherwise. They get all excited about the possibilities, they go to meetings with agencies, they make plans, they pay fees and they fill out paperwork. They fill out more paperwork then you can possibly imagine! They may even write a letter to that sweet birth momma they have started praying over and then they go home and wait…

At first the wait is fun. You make plans, you talk about what you think it will be like. You lay together in bed at night picking out names and praying over your baby. You start networking with other couples adopting and start attending support groups. Months go by and you see some of those new friends posting pictures of their babies on Facebook and Instagram. They are talking about the wonder of adoption and how perfect and amazing it all is. You sit behind that computer and feel the tug of hurt that a birth momma has not picked you. A year rolls by and your hope starts to fade. You weep in grief once again, wondering if you really heard God’s call to adopt or if you were just trying to come up with a solution. You talk about it with your spouse but they don’t know how to express their confusion and grief over this newest hurt either. Sometimes you pray about it together and sometimes you hurt alone, afraid to talk about it, so that you won’t bring up the pain to your mate and make them hurt too. The agency calls and says it is time to do an annual update to the home-study. You go through the motions and it renews the hope for a while longer but the months keep rolling by and you realize that you can no longer wait to go on vacation. You can’t save up that vacation time for a maternity leave that may never happen. People stop asking how the adoption process is going. People that do remember and ask bring up the hurt all over again. You are grateful they care but you feel the isolation creeping in.

For us, we did have that one child and were content. Or at least that is what we kept telling ourselves. We did long for a child God whispered on our hearts. We did lie in bed, praying together, questioning God and grieving the loss of a child we had never held. From start to finish, it was 4 long years of waiting, 3 years of officially being on a list. Those years were isolating as it felt as though God said do this and then snatched that dream back. God was there, he was quietly putting together our family of 4 in a way we never dreamed and during that time, he softened our hearts towards an adoption we would have said no to in the beginning.

That wait is painful my friends but there is purpose in it. That purpose for us is in the form of the cutest, funniest, high maintenance, little brown boy you have ever seen. Our nights are different now and we still grieve, just for a different reason. We grieve for the broken story that brought our family to completion. We pray over his heart and the hearts of his birth parents. The birth parents that were brave enough to let go when they realized he needed more. We grieve for the hard that is sure to come, in the future as he grows and realizes his story is different. We grieve for the hard moments for our birth parents as they face the reality of signing those papers.
We celebrate too…we celebrate the first time he prayed, the first time he asked to read his Bible for bedtime routine. We celebrated the first birthday with a huge family party and a cake the size of Texas. Our hearts smiled the first time he told us he loved us and called us mommy, daddy and sister. We celebrate what God did to make us a family.
So…if you see that precious couple posting pictures and announcements on social media about their dreams of adoption, please pray for them. Many have grieved deeply to even be ready for this moment and they have more grief to come. Even those that have a picture perfect baby placed in their arms, will face years of grief and hard in the future as they walk their child through their broken and beautiful story!

Behind The Perfectly Painted Door...

There are nights Brian and I lie in bed with a cute little boy snuggled between us and we are stunned. It has been 3 long, exhausting months. As hard as the days and nights are, they are easy compared to the wait to get here. As much as we trusted God when we paid fees, filled out paperwork, went through the process of interviews and updates year after year, we are still stunned. We never expected this…this precious little boy that has filled our hearts and broken them at the same time.

You have seen the pictures on social media. The pictures of couples with chalk boards, balloons, and baby shoes, declaring their intention to adopt. They are sentimental and they get us all feely and cheered up about someone doing something good in this world. You see them raising money and blasting their excitement all over the place. You may even see some of them preparing baby rooms and making plans. Slowly you hear about it less and less and then it just gets quiet. Let me tell you what is happening behind their perfectly painted door…they are grieving. Many of them have gone through years of infertility that walked them down a long path of dying to a dream.

You see, one day they got married, had the perfect wedding, waited the appropriate amount of time and then started trying to have that baby everyone was always asking about. They realized it was taking too long so they changed the way they ate, they tried all these holistic methods, they went to doctors but the reality is… God’s plans are not our plans. Sometimes He says no to our dreams. Sometimes he directs our path differently than we expected. Everyone asking them about when they are going to start that perfect little family just makes it hurt all over again. Then one day, that same sweet couple, after walking through the hard of that grief, hear God calling them to adopt. It seems like the perfect solution and they would be affecting the life of a child who might never know of our heavenly Father otherwise. They get all excited about the possibilities, they go to meetings with agencies, they make plans, they pay fees and they fill out paperwork. They fill out more paperwork then you can possibly imagine! They may even write a letter to that sweet birth momma they have started praying over and then they go home and wait…

At first the wait is fun. You make plans, you talk about what you think it will be like. You lay together in bed at night picking out names and praying over your baby. You start networking with other couples adopting and start attending support groups. Months go by and you see some of those new friends posting pictures of their babies on Facebook and Instagram. They are talking about the wonder of adoption and how perfect and amazing it all is. You sit behind that computer and feel the tug of hurt that a birth momma has not picked you. A year rolls by and your hope starts to fade. You weep in grief once again, wondering if you really heard God’s call to adopt or if you were just trying to come up with a solution. You talk about it with your spouse but they don’t know how to express their confusion and grief over this newest hurt either. Sometimes you pray about it together and sometimes you hurt alone, afraid to talk about it, so that you won’t bring up the pain to your mate and make them hurt too. The agency calls and says it is time to do an annual update to the home-study. You go through the motions and it renews the hope for a while longer but the months keep rolling by and you realize that you can no longer wait to go on vacation. You can’t save up that vacation time for a maternity leave that may never happen. People stop asking how the adoption process is going. People that do remember and ask bring up the hurt all over again. You are grateful they care but you feel the isolation creeping in.

For us, we did have that one child and were content. Or at least that is what we kept telling ourselves. We did long for a child God whispered on our hearts. We did lie in bed, praying together, questioning God and grieving the loss of a child we had never held. From start to finish, it was 4 long years of waiting, 3 years of officially being on a list. Those years were isolating as it felt as though God said do this and then snatched that dream back. God was there, he was quietly putting together our family of 4 in a way we never dreamed and during that time, he softened our hearts towards an adoption we would have said no to in the beginning.

That wait is painful my friends but there is purpose in it. That purpose for us is in the form of the cutest, funniest, high maintenance, little brown boy you have ever seen. Our nights are different now and we still grieve, just for a different reason. We grieve for the broken story that brought our family to completion. We pray over his heart and the hearts of his birth parents. The birth parents that were brave enough to let go when they realized he needed more. We grieve for the hard that is sure to come, in the future as he grows and realizes his story is different. We grieve for the hard moments for our birth parents as they face the reality of signing those papers.
We celebrate too…we celebrate the first time he prayed, the first time he asked to read his Bible for bedtime routine. We celebrated the first birthday with a huge family party and a cake the size of Texas. Our hearts smiled the first time he told us he loved us and called us mommy, daddy and sister. We celebrate what God did to make us a family.
So…if you see that precious couple posting pictures and announcements on social media about their dreams of adoption, please pray for them. Many have grieved deeply to even be ready for this moment and they have more grief to come. Even those that have a picture perfect baby placed in their arms, will face years of grief and hard in the future as they walk their child through their broken and beautiful story!

From Butterflies to Gum on Our Shoe...

Let’s talk marriage for a moment…sometimes it sails along and is all butterflies and champagne. Then there is the other 98% of the year (and I am being generous here) that is aching backs with gum stuck to our shoes. Now I love my husband and he is absolutely the perfect mate for me but sometimes we just forget to be gracious to each other. In the mornings, clothes are flying from one end of the house to the other, the kitchen counter is lined with lunch boxes, momma is singing out words of encouragement while daddy is wiping tooth paste from faces and hunting for lost shoes. Everyone races to the door yelling out love for one another amongst hugs, kisses and prayers. Momma and daddy text each other letting each one know that the children are safe in their respective places and then we walk into work all smiles. Each spouse going about their days, being kind and gracious to the loud talker in the neighboring cube, facing hectic meetings, full of stress with much grace. We arrive home and show as much patience as we can muster to our dear children that are exhausted and just don’t want to write that last sentence of homework or eat that last bite of dinner. Seriously, can we get through one dinner without one child not sitting stone faced or with tears and snot running down their faces? With quiet gentleness, or quiet rage as they drag out bedtime for 45 minutes, we cuddle the kids, read to them, pray over them and then put them to bed. Each spouse stumbles to the couch in stained up clothes, hair all askew and collapses, looks at one another and grabs their phone to decompress from the chaos of the day. I am not sure about you but at this point, I am just punchy. I am done being nice and no matter the question; I can meet it with the perfect eye roll and whine. This is my cut off for please and thank you. It is just, “Give me and…you should.”

At the time of the day when I have my Love all to myself for the first time in 24 hours and I cannot muster the energy to validate him and my need for him. In reality, it is not that I can’t, it is just that this would require me to keep extending grace, and to not be selfish. For me, I have found that being intentional to love my spouse does not start at the end of the day, when the kids are in bed and I am curled in the corner of the couch wearing layers of clothing, a blanket and am prepared with, “I need to get up and wash the dishes piled in the sink.” If he dares to inch to my side of the couch. It starts at the beginning of the day, sometimes even the night before as I am lying in bed and confessing my selfishness to Jesus. It is an intentional approach to plan my day with my spouse’s needs in mind. If you will, I mentally pencil time for my spouse on my calendar and follow through. It is an email in the morning, reminding him that I am thinking of him and that he is important to me. It is a text at lunch to ask him how his day is going. It is me, planning that when the last kid is asleep, I will set my phone down, turn to my husband and talk to him. Love him and let him know that he is not leftovers. Sometimes it is even coming home, going to the bedroom, closing the door and pretending that the tiny little fists on the other side don’t exist as I focus on my husband.

My husband chooses me each and every day and I need to do the same. Does he get that I need space some nights and to just veg on the couch, that my introvert self is completely drained of peopley moments some times? Trust me… he gets it. BUT he also needs to know that I find him valuable. That at the start, during, and at the end of each gum on the bottom of the shoe day, I WANT him in my life. That I want to hear of his heart and also share mine.

Here is the kicker; over 12 years ago I was skipping down the aisle of some church, radiant in a gown of white, declaring my covenant commitment to this man. I was all clean and pretty, had less fat and more makeup. He was all attentive and failing over himself to meet my every need. Then we came home from the honeymoon to discover that life was full of football (seriously, we had a whirlwind courtship in the off season and I had no idea of the level of football that was about to invade my life), a baby, job losses, medical crisis’s, moving furniture from house to house, bills, an adoption, etc. This does not mean that I get to tell my husband that I will get back to him when all the hard stuff is over. This means that I have to daily choose him, just as he chooses me. It means that I read less books and watch less TV because I promised God to love this man and serve him all my days. I forget sometimes and my husband quietly, sometimes patiently waits for me to be reminded that he is important. Some days it is sweet love notes left in each other’s car and same days it means laughing at each other as we scrape the gum off the bottom of each other’s shoe.

For a lifetime I have him and I want to be faithful to appreciate that daily commitment my husband makes to me. I do not always do this well but I try to acknowledge to him that I am aware of his need for time and let him know that I will make the time. Maybe not in that moment, and maybe not even that day but I SEE you Love. I see you through the tired, puffy eyes. I know that you washed those clothes and cleaned that toilet because you were showing me love. So I will change my comfortable old shirt covered in paint, grease stains and laden with holes…I will put on some lip gloss and meet you on the couch for a soul sharing time. We will sacrifice a little sleep and be gracious with our words for a little longer tonight because marriage is important.

Middle School...UGH!

Parenting is hard. Navigating middle school with a hormone enraged tween is exhausting. Watching that tween struggle to find her footing is heart-breaking. Being gut wrenching honest here…I have been dreading middle school. I knew what was coming and I hate seeing my confident child morph into an insecure, weeping mess. Couple that with the insecurity she feels in her role at home, as being the only child, to now navigating through life with less attention and battling a little brother that cannot express his frustration in an always positive way means that we usually have tears at some point each and every day. As parents, we do not always respond the right way. There are days that I want to just look across the table at her, as she is pouting over the injustice that is her life and I want to say, “Baby girl, I’m gonna need you to suck it up and move on.” And there are times that I do just that. There are the times she storms through the house, slamming a door and shouting from the other side demands from the two of us, while I continue sitting at the dinner table, rolling my eyes and silently begging my husband to deal with today’s drama. There are the times I have had enough of being her emotional punching bag and yell back that I am tired too and she needs to get over it. My husband, being male, does not always understand that the tears are not just linked to what is happening in that moment but stretches back to the moment earlier in the day when she was late to class because she got her schedule mixed up (being Type A, this is the same as failing a test and having it blasted over the loud speaker at school). There are her ears being assaulted daily by curse words she is not used to hearing out of peers mouths. There are the issues of finding the right place to sit at lunch where she will not be ridiculed but accepted. There is navigating the exploratory classes and finding the right place that fits her personality and drive. There is dealing with boys that find her attractive but instead of treating her with respect, tease and humiliate her in front of her peers. Seriously, why do they think is the way to winning a girl’s attention?!

I just wanna wrap her up in bubble wrap, lock the door and protect her from all that is messed up in the middle school across the street. BUT the reality is, this is what we have spent the last 11 years preparing her for. We prayed over her each night and day, we taught her where her value lies, we taught her where her hope is found, we prepared her with truth to combat the lies she will hear each day and we taught her how to own her faith in a dark place. And each night we sit at the dinner table, walk through her day with her, comforting her, reminding her of truth, answering her questions and sometimes apologizing for not being sensitive to her needs, and speaking to her anger. Usually Brian reminds her that middle school boys are just stupid and will be this way until at least high school. LOL This is exhausting and it would be easy to just let her learn to deal with life on her own but it is our job as her parents, to help her weed out the lies and truth in each of her days.

One of the first things Anna Beth told me when she came home from orientation at her school was, “Momma, we are going to be studying all of the religions of the world and evolution this year, oh and I have health class too.” My heart sank…I knew it was coming. I knew she was going to face this at some point but my heart screamed in that moment, “Have we given her enough to face this and see the truth?” I just looked her in the eyes and said, “Baby girl, you are going to hear a whole lot of lies this year with just a sprinkling of truth. If you are ever unsure of what the truth is, Daddy and I are here to answer your questions and if we don’t know, we will research it together.” This is all I can do, I can hold her with open hands, trusting that God will protect her heart. God wants her where she is and there is a purpose in this testing of her faith. Middle school is where she learns to own her faith. Not her mommy and daddy’s faith, not her LG leader and Children’s pastor’s faith but this is where she puts tests out her faith, puts it into action, and calls it her own.

Last Friday there was a middle school dance. She asked to go…we relented. Were we right for doing this? I still don’t know. Again, God did not ask me to protect her from the world but to prepare her to be a light in it. She dressed up and I dropped her off at the curb. I watched her walk through those doors with boys almost twice her size and I just prayed over her as I drove home. At 8 pm sharp, momma was sitting at the curb, waiting for pick-up. I took her out to grab a bite after the dance and listened to her talk. She talked about how dark it was, she talked about the songs littered with cruse words, she talked about the behavior of the students. I waited to hear her heart on what she had witnessed. She told me it was fun but not what she expected. She quickly found some girls that also go to church and stood to the side watching. She was shocked at the DJ’s choices and conveyed her displeasure over the lyrics. She told me of the kids trying to get others attention and then she told me of friends choices.
This is what I know… I am here, to be actively involved. To listen closely (this is a VERY important skill at this point), pray often and offer truth when she is open to hearing it. I am here to guide and then protect when needed. My role as her parent is changing. It is not my job to dictate each of her steps any longer but to live out my faith in front of her, to gently remind her that she is an example of Christ and to not blemish His character. On the flip side, God is a redeemer and loves his children unconditionally. It is important that my child knows I will listen to her, she knows this without a doubt because I did it from a very young age. I LISTENED to her, even the stuff that seemed silly and unimportant because I wanted her to be able to trust that I would listen to her during these hard days. These days when she would need me more than ever, even though it appears she needs me less. She also knows that daddy will protect her, that he is paying attention and he values the young lady she is becoming. He continues to date her and show her how precious she is by his words and actions.

I still am dreading these middle school days but I have to hold fast to the truths. Her Father that created her, is intimately acquainted with her heart. He knows each time she will fail and He will be there with waiting arms for her to run into them. He prepared Brian and I to be the parents she needed. Not perfect, but able to model God’s grace in and through our imperfections as parents. Our job as her parents is not over because she has become more independent but rather it is needed in a different way. A safe place for her to admit her failings and to be loved through them and help her to know they are filtered through grace. I am so grateful God entrusted me with this sweet girl and Lord knows I feel completely incapable to help her navigate the ugly of this world. Yes, I am the parent of a middle schooler. Yes these years are awkward and people no longer fawn over the cuteness that is my child but she is not invisible. She is not unseen and in fact she is cherished by the one that created her and the ones that were entrusted with her care. She is an obnoxious, weepy, hot mess many days but she is also a delight, created for a special purpose. She does not have to wait and grow up to fulfill that purpose but she has one even now. Each day she lives for Jesus, she is serving God’s purpose and that middle school across the street, that is filled with darkness has a little light walking around in it.

A Girl Suffering Well…

So much of what we have shared over the last 3 months has surrounded Adi but the heart of my sweet girl has not gone unnoticed. A dear friend and her husband came over to have lunch with us yesterday. She quietly watched Adi and his interaction with Anna Beth. Before she left, she mentioned to AB the patience she showed towards her younger brother. I had tears in my eyes at just that one little comment. You see, my girl has suffered but she has suffered well. She has spent the last 11 years being an only child and the last 3 months have been all consuming, for all of us. Adi will not be silent or ignored and he is often aggressive when he cannot explain his frustration. He most often takes that aggression out on his sister. She shares her frustration with us when she needs to vent but she rarely takes it out on him. My girl recognizes that Adi cannot control his emotions as well as she and she suffers through it well.

This does not mean that my girl does not feel pushed aside. It does not mean that she does not feel the sting of adding a sibling. Brian and I work hard to find time for just her. Taking her alone to the store so she can talk, let loose and feel the full attention of her parent or having her big self climb in between us in the bed for snuggles after her brother has gone to bed. To be honest, I miss just having her in moments. I miss the extra time for Brian and I, the time of quiet with my girl. I have missed making a bigger deal for her about middle school but I also know that God is using this change in our family to develop character in all of us. Adi was created by God, held in HIS hand and gently placed in our family at just the right time. For all the painful growing that we are walking through, this was orchestrated by our Father and we would be foolish not to see him in each step of this adoption.

Our girl has watched God move, she knows that God prepared our family for this and her heart was ready. We as her parents, have tried to show grace as much as possible but let’s be honest, we are human. We get frustrated too. We don’t always acknowledge the hard for Anna Beth. Sometimes we expect more out of her than we should but I rest in this, “God has her!” At one of the hardest stages of her life, God sent her a brother. Not just any brother but a brother that has more needs than is typical. A brother that requires greater grace from her, and a deeper love and commitment. God will use this to shape her view of the broken, to show her His purpose for her life. He will use her brother to see beyond her own need and to fully live out a life of service. This is what I am praying over her heart.

This is not the first time that God called my girl to trust beyond what is typical for her age. At the start of her school career, God called our family to walk through the journey of cancer. God walked her through that VERY hard and I know that he is walking with her now. As I watch her love her brother I am reminded of a passage of verses…

“For it is commendable if someone bears up under the pain of unjust suffering because they are conscious of God. But how is it to your credit if you receive a beating for doing wrong and endure it? But if you suffer for the doing of good and endure it, it is commendable before God. To this you were called, because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow his steps” I Peter 2:19-21

What I know is this…her longsuffering, her patient love and grace filled speech will someday prove out God’s love to Adi. Someday he will see how well she loved him and through that, he will see God’s love for himself. Through her quiet longsuffering, she is seeing God soften her brother’s heart. She is being witness to God’s power and if we, as her parents, point out God in her every day, she will learn to watch and be ready. She will learn to step forward when it is at the risk of condemnation but she will because she knows of the greater risk at stake.

Through this entire adoption, Brian and I have prayed. We have prayed that we would fulfill God’s purpose even when and if we did not understand it. That we would be willing to risk our hearts for a greater purpose. We also knew that we were and are not just risking our hearts but also Anna Beth’s. For that reason, she has been involved in each step of this adoption. She has sat through each call during those 10 months of waiting for a decision, she has been a part of each meeting and she has been witness to the hard of the birth parent relationships. I cannot begin to tell you of the burden she has carried at such a tender age but she understood the purpose. At 10 and then 11 years, she had an understanding of the call God had on our family. I am so proud of the gentleness she has displayed with not only Adi’s heart but also the birth parents during those hard conversations. So today I want to acknowledge the burden my girl carries at such a young age. She is special and also at the same time a very typical tween.

There are days I stand in utter awe at the special girl God has entrusted to our care. Brian and I know the responsibility we have to daily point her to Jesus. We are also aware how often we have and will fail to do this well but even in this my girl is witness to God’s grace poured out on us. It is easy to see Jesus in the day to day if we are only looking. This is something I struggle to do each day. I am grateful of the reminder I see in my children. If you see my girl out and about, I’m going ask our little village to pray for strength as she carries her brother’s story. She has suffered well and we are so very proud of her. J