I have been very quiet the last couple of weeks living from moment to moment. Thinking in terms of goals right now is just too overwhelming. Each minute of the last couple of weeks has been a fight to stay in the game and mentally overcome the battle.
The oncology appointment yesterday was overwhelming. There was a sense of relief that this was moving towards an end but information can be a hard thing to digest. I have 5 months of chemo in 2 phases with a possibility of also being involved in a clinical trial. The first phase is 2 months, every other week and can cause heart damage and lymphoma in the future. The second phase will be 3 months, every week. This phase will require steroids that could cause my diabetes to spin out of control. This phase might require insulin to be added into the mix. Before treatment, there is a 50% chance of the cancer returning. After treatment this is reduced to 25%. If it returns, it will not be considered curable but controllable. I am grieving today. Allowing this to overwhelm me and seeking comfort in my Father. . Tomorrow, I will pick up my armor and forge ahead again but this day, I will rest and seek the quiet. I am tired and drained emotionally and physically. The new normal has no sense of normalcy and my sense of self is getting lost in terminology.
Funny thing about “a sense of self” it makes you more selfish. When your focus is on yourself, your gifts from God become burdens. You develop a sense of entitlement and control becomes all too important. Sitting back and letting others take care of me is a burden to me. I have always been the one taking care of my family. I have always been the one to take care of the hurting. I am the one that has always picked up the slack. What an ego to assume that God needs me! What He needs from me is to die. To enslave myself to Him is my calling, not washing the dishes and preparing the meals.
1Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. 2Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. 3For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. 4When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory. 12Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Colossians 3
What a humbling place to realize that you have a more important sense of self than is reality. Sitting and being quiet in the “closet” is what God asking of me right now. To hide from the world and lose myself in Him is my calling in this moment. I know that at the end of this overwhelming and difficult journey God will allow me to use my talents for Him again. My prayer is that I will emerge from the closet and people around me will not see me but see Christ in my face. My radiance will shine from His glory and His holiness will be manifested in me. If you are looking for me, I am hiding, hiding in Christ in my closet!
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Post OP
So it has been 2 weeks today since my mastectomy and there have been many highs and lows. I had alot of fears the week before surgery but by the time the day actually arrived God had given me a peace beyond understanding. Brian and I spent that morning together laughing, talking and praying together. Not one tear was shed because we knew God was present. The first person that I wanted to see after surgery was Brian. I needed to see his eyes and know that he still loved the person that I was.
The next morning, the doctor came in to remove the bandages...that was the moment that I was most scared of and had been dreading. Brian was watching closely as each layer came off and I was watching him. As soon as the scars were revealed, my sweet husband grinned from ear to ear, looked up at me and said, "It looks really good baby!" I could not stop the tears in my eyes. God could not have given me a better mate to stand by my side as I walked this road.
My surgeon had done a biopsy on 3 lymph nodes during surgery and she did not believe that the cancer had spread at that point. Of course the nodes had to be sent off to pathology to receive a full clearance. The Tuesday after surgery, I received a call that I was not expecting. They had found cancer in one of the nodes and believed that they would more than likely have to go back in and remove them. This meant another surgery and I was not prepared for that. They have since decided to treat with extra chemo but that day was probably the lowest day I have had since the this whole process had began. I sobbed the entire day. Not out of anger but just deep sadness. I gave into my grief that day and showed my weakness. Out of our weakness God's strength is revealed. I had pinned my hope on a Dr's opinion rather than in my Lord.
"Out of depths I cry to you, O Lord; O Lord you hear my voice. Let your ears be attentive to my cry for mercy. If you O Lord, kept a record of sins, O Lord, who could stand? But with you there is forgiveness; therefore you are feared. I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope. My soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen wait for the morning, more than watchmen wait for the morning. O Israel, put your hope in the Lord, for with unfailing love and with him is full redemption." -Psalm 130
Each day I have to remind myself that my Dr's in all this are just watchmen, not my hope. My hope rests in my Father's arms. God has created all things and knows all things. I forget that often in my humanness but God is a God of mercy and forgives my lack of faith. He gently reminds me of my need for Him and opens His arms to welcome me home.
Each day that I am frustrated because I am not progressing as fast as I think that I should is my opportunity to develop my dependence on God. Each time I break down in tears is my opportunity to seek comfort in my God. Each report that comes back with a disappointing result is my opportunity to grow my faith in God. I have failed and will continue to fail in these things but again it is another opportunity to experience God's grace. Cancer is not a disease to destroy me but an opportunity to see God glorified! What a perfect gift from Him.
The next morning, the doctor came in to remove the bandages...that was the moment that I was most scared of and had been dreading. Brian was watching closely as each layer came off and I was watching him. As soon as the scars were revealed, my sweet husband grinned from ear to ear, looked up at me and said, "It looks really good baby!" I could not stop the tears in my eyes. God could not have given me a better mate to stand by my side as I walked this road.
My surgeon had done a biopsy on 3 lymph nodes during surgery and she did not believe that the cancer had spread at that point. Of course the nodes had to be sent off to pathology to receive a full clearance. The Tuesday after surgery, I received a call that I was not expecting. They had found cancer in one of the nodes and believed that they would more than likely have to go back in and remove them. This meant another surgery and I was not prepared for that. They have since decided to treat with extra chemo but that day was probably the lowest day I have had since the this whole process had began. I sobbed the entire day. Not out of anger but just deep sadness. I gave into my grief that day and showed my weakness. Out of our weakness God's strength is revealed. I had pinned my hope on a Dr's opinion rather than in my Lord.
"Out of depths I cry to you, O Lord; O Lord you hear my voice. Let your ears be attentive to my cry for mercy. If you O Lord, kept a record of sins, O Lord, who could stand? But with you there is forgiveness; therefore you are feared. I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope. My soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen wait for the morning, more than watchmen wait for the morning. O Israel, put your hope in the Lord, for with unfailing love and with him is full redemption." -Psalm 130
Each day I have to remind myself that my Dr's in all this are just watchmen, not my hope. My hope rests in my Father's arms. God has created all things and knows all things. I forget that often in my humanness but God is a God of mercy and forgives my lack of faith. He gently reminds me of my need for Him and opens His arms to welcome me home.
Each day that I am frustrated because I am not progressing as fast as I think that I should is my opportunity to develop my dependence on God. Each time I break down in tears is my opportunity to seek comfort in my God. Each report that comes back with a disappointing result is my opportunity to grow my faith in God. I have failed and will continue to fail in these things but again it is another opportunity to experience God's grace. Cancer is not a disease to destroy me but an opportunity to see God glorified! What a perfect gift from Him.
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