I have been very quiet the last couple of weeks living from moment to moment. Thinking in terms of goals right now is just too overwhelming. Each minute of the last couple of weeks has been a fight to stay in the game and mentally overcome the battle.
The oncology appointment yesterday was overwhelming. There was a sense of relief that this was moving towards an end but information can be a hard thing to digest. I have 5 months of chemo in 2 phases with a possibility of also being involved in a clinical trial. The first phase is 2 months, every other week and can cause heart damage and lymphoma in the future. The second phase will be 3 months, every week. This phase will require steroids that could cause my diabetes to spin out of control. This phase might require insulin to be added into the mix. Before treatment, there is a 50% chance of the cancer returning. After treatment this is reduced to 25%. If it returns, it will not be considered curable but controllable. I am grieving today. Allowing this to overwhelm me and seeking comfort in my Father. . Tomorrow, I will pick up my armor and forge ahead again but this day, I will rest and seek the quiet. I am tired and drained emotionally and physically. The new normal has no sense of normalcy and my sense of self is getting lost in terminology.
Funny thing about “a sense of self” it makes you more selfish. When your focus is on yourself, your gifts from God become burdens. You develop a sense of entitlement and control becomes all too important. Sitting back and letting others take care of me is a burden to me. I have always been the one taking care of my family. I have always been the one to take care of the hurting. I am the one that has always picked up the slack. What an ego to assume that God needs me! What He needs from me is to die. To enslave myself to Him is my calling, not washing the dishes and preparing the meals.
1Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. 2Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. 3For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. 4When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory. 12Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Colossians 3
What a humbling place to realize that you have a more important sense of self than is reality. Sitting and being quiet in the “closet” is what God asking of me right now. To hide from the world and lose myself in Him is my calling in this moment. I know that at the end of this overwhelming and difficult journey God will allow me to use my talents for Him again. My prayer is that I will emerge from the closet and people around me will not see me but see Christ in my face. My radiance will shine from His glory and His holiness will be manifested in me. If you are looking for me, I am hiding, hiding in Christ in my closet!
No comments:
Post a Comment