Emerging From My Cocoon

I have sat down at the computer many times in the last year yet I can rarely bring myself to pin my thoughts. It has been just over 2 years since my cancer diagnosis and for a year I had lived my life out loud. For the last year, I have felt the need to retreat. My personality has always been to work in the back ground therefore being so open was exhausting for me. I do believe that it is what God wanted me to do and I have no regrets giving friends and family a window into our life during that time. But after it was over and the last chemo celebration was done, I needed time to process. I also had the need for not every conversation to begin with the current length of my hair. Yes, I know, everyone was just excited and happy for me to actually have hair but I wanted to just be normal as fast as possible and that was not normal. I believe I was also not prepared for the healing that needed to take place. For the last year, my "A" type personality has taken a beating. I always feel out of control and as though I am constantly missing something. This has caused major anxiety and panic attacks. Driving back and forth to work is probably the worst time for this to rear it's ugly head. I loath driving now and often feel panicked when I do not know the intent of the driver beside me. There have been many afternoons that I had tears streaming down my face for most of the way home. During this year, I felt the need to push my family and friends needs in front of my own. For a solid year, my needs felt like the priority and I have just needed this time to take care of them. I am timid to mention prayer needs to others or share my heart with them because I believe they must be sick of stuff being about me. I have done the same thing with the Lord. I have felt so indebted to Him for the way He just carried me and my little family that I have ceased to live in grace. Living a year without grace has been a heavy burden to bear. Friends...I am tired and I have lost my joy. I am so busy living life, checking and re-checking lists that I have forgotten how to be still and rest in Him. For a year, I sat and for some reason I felt the need to pay back everyone and the Lord. All of those things, prayers, meals and love were given freely as gifts. Apparently, I am not very good at receiving them. I am slowly emerging from this cocoon of busy that I have built around myself and am learning to live again in God's grace. To accept what He has offered as a gift as He intended. I am learning about faith. I thought that I had learned this lesson already but turns out, I am very stubborn. It is a lot of work for me but I will be become vulnerable again and trust God's promises for my life. I know that the fear will fade and peace will return.