Fuzzy Crop Coming In!

It has been 5 weeks since my last chemo treatment and I have a fuzzy crop of hair coming in that I refer to has duck fuzz! It is an ugly process but by Christmas people should stop staring at my head. They will just think I had a really bad hair cut. LOL There is no way to put into words the emotional train I have been traveling on the last few weeks. Apparently I have very high expectations that my body cannot live up to. I have experienced everything from fear, grief, gratefulness to excitement. Everyday I see a little more of myself coming back. I have even chased Anna Beth through the house. Of course 10 minutes later, I was laid out in the floor thinking I was going to pass out. LOL I can go all day for about 2 days before I crash on the 3rd day but the strength is coming back. Next Friday is the big surgery that will put me back together. It is closure for both Brian and I. I think even Anna Beth is looking forward to that day. I am very aware that my family will never be the same after this. This is good in many ways with a small downside. The downside... everyday you remember and wonder about a relapse. I know that someday, we will go through a whole day without thinking about the cancer but we are not there yet and I think that it will be a while before that happens. That word has consumed our family for 9 months and that just does not go away over night. On the upside... Our faith is so much stronger and our hearts more sensitive. I have never loved and respected my husband more, which is saying alot because I have always had alot of respect and love for him! Anna Beth has been an angel for the last nine months but now that Mommy is getting stronger and Daddy worries less, she is emotionally letting go. She has meltdowns several nights a week and has begun lying some. We have been amazed at her strength and coping skills through all of this however, now that she feels safe, her fears and frustration over the last nine months is spilling out. This has required some extra love and discipline but we know that God will heal her little heart. As her mommy, I have had to fight guilt at what I felt that I have put her through. I hold her a little tighter, pray with her a little more and remind her to show Jesus we love Him with our obedience. I have to say that some of the sweetest moments are laying in bed and listening to her pray. Anna Beth feels deeply and holds much of it inside. Brian and I have to work hard to get her to open up but what precious moments as parents we have had, loving her when she needs it the most. God has answered my prayer regarding a job. The company that I was doing contract work for as this whole process was beginning is wanting me to come back part-time and work it into a full-time position. I have been doing more and more work for them lately and am going to start going into the office a couple of weeks after surgery. I was a bit terrified of the interviewing process with my bald head and crazy eyebrows. I know that people are not supposed to allow that to prejudiced them but I know that it does. Is she going to be out sick all the time and how healthy is she really? etc! God has just literally dropped a job in my lap. I am hoping that by the end of summer, I will be full-time and we can start paying off those crazy medical bills. The healing process is slower than I want it to be and there are still issues that crop up. I have been having headaches everyday for almost 3 weeks and the chemo has thrown my body back into an arthritis and fibromyalgia tizzy. However, I am eating real food again, not laying in bed all day and am able to actually think without the cobwebs. I had no idea how sick I really was until I started getting better. I saw my chemo nurses today and one of them told me that she almost did not recognize me because I have color in my face and pep in my step. I am experiencing God's incredible healing and am learning to be patient with the process. Psalm 62 has been my latest anthem. Find rest, O my soul, in God alone, my hope comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress, I will not be shaken. My salvation and my honor depend on God; He is my mighty rock, my refuge. Ps. 62:5-7 Resting is not my greatest strength. I have had nine months of forced rest and yet I am still learning to rest in Him. I am grateful that God trusted Brian and I with this story and I know that He will use it to be glorified.