Today I was told that the chemo would most likely send me into menopause. Grief consumed. It was as if the last part of what makes me a woman was being taken away. The choice to have another child...gone! Once the tears stopped and I sought my Bible, I realized that Satan was trying to steal my joy. And my joy is Jesus Christ, my focus! I poured myself into verses speaking on grief because I believe that God allows us grief but we cannot allow it to consume us and rule our hearts in fear.
'And I gave my heart to know wisdom, and to know maddness and folly; I perceived that this is also vexation of the spirit. For in much wisdom is much grief and he that increaseth sorrow."
Ecc 17:18
"For the Lord will not cast off forever but though he cause grief, yet will he have compassion according to the multitude of his mercies."
Lam. 3:31-32
I then moved on in scripture to praise. Praise is required even in the hard times. Praise brings our focus back into perspective.
"Because thy loving kindness is better than life, my lips shall praise thee. Thus will I bless thee while I live; I will lift up my hands in thine name. My soul shall be satisfied as with marrow and fatness: and my mouth shall praise thee with joyful lips: when I remember thee on my bed and meditate on thee in the night watches. Because thou hast been my help, therefore in the shadow of thy wings will I rejoice. My soul followeth hard after thee; they right hand upholdeth me."
Ps 63:3-7
My last place to dwell was on the Proverbs 31 woman. I needed to be reminded of where a real woman's worth is placed. I want to reflect Christ and teach my child about honoring the head of our home. I want my husband to trust my heart and people to see Christ in my handiwork.
This process has been a roller coaster of emotions but I always have to come back and focus on Christ, who is my joy. In focusing on that joy, I see the abundance of what God has given to me and I do not deserve. I am a blessed child of the king and that King counts every sprout of new hair on my head. How amazing is it to know that your Father's love is so deep and vast that you cannot possibly fathom it!
I am not ashamed of my tears but am grateful that my heart leads me back to the cross and not down a path of bitterness and sorrow!
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Spirit of....
One of the things that has been really impressed uopn my heart in the last 6 months is a spirit of gratefulness. Now I am going to be gut wrenching honest here so if you cannot handle it, don't read it. It is really hard to be grateful that you are having diahrea so much that you are too weak to stand, or whan you cannot keep food down for days on end and standing in front of a fridge makes you weep, when your body aches for days on end to the point that you are only able to get about 3 hours of sleep a day, when you are weeping hysterically out of sheer exhaustion and your husband can do nothing but rub your bald head, when you watch your hair fall out in your hands, when you start watching your long eyelashes wash down the sink, when you are irritable and cannot control it because of the meds, when you are staring at your deformed body in the mirror. when you have to get poked with a 2 inch needle in your chest 2 times a week, when you get poked with a 3 inch needle and have saline injected into your chest once a week.
These are just the things that are happening to me! There is also watching the strain on your husband over finances and realizing he can do nothing to help you but love you. Watching your daughter get hurt when her friends make fun of your bald head, when your daughter is just hurt because you cannot get out of the bed and take care of her. The list goes on and on.... however the list of things to be grateful for is so much longer!~
I have discovered that gratefulness is a quiet mind-set of sheer determination, mixed with lots of prayer and a desire to glorify God in all things.
"But the Lord said to Samuel, "Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things man looks at but looks at the heart."
-1 Samuel 16:7
I have developed friendships that are beyond precious to me, have been given gifts beyond my wild imagination, been loved in ways that I did not think possible. Afterall, this is little old me and yet God had people reach out to me and my family and love on us in a way that only God can do. My realtionship with God has grown and my relationship with my husband has grown. My prayer life and my prayer life with my family and husband has increased and I have also found a new level of mercy for people around me.
Whne you strat looking for God, you find Him everywhere! If you don't stop looking you will never cease to be amazed at how awesome and wonderful He is. My family has been given the gift of fire so that we can see Him more clearly. I do not wish this fire on anyone but I pray that somehow, you encounter God in such an intense way that out of the outpouring of your heart...there flows gratefulness!
These are just the things that are happening to me! There is also watching the strain on your husband over finances and realizing he can do nothing to help you but love you. Watching your daughter get hurt when her friends make fun of your bald head, when your daughter is just hurt because you cannot get out of the bed and take care of her. The list goes on and on.... however the list of things to be grateful for is so much longer!~
I have discovered that gratefulness is a quiet mind-set of sheer determination, mixed with lots of prayer and a desire to glorify God in all things.
"But the Lord said to Samuel, "Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things man looks at but looks at the heart."
-1 Samuel 16:7
I have developed friendships that are beyond precious to me, have been given gifts beyond my wild imagination, been loved in ways that I did not think possible. Afterall, this is little old me and yet God had people reach out to me and my family and love on us in a way that only God can do. My realtionship with God has grown and my relationship with my husband has grown. My prayer life and my prayer life with my family and husband has increased and I have also found a new level of mercy for people around me.
Whne you strat looking for God, you find Him everywhere! If you don't stop looking you will never cease to be amazed at how awesome and wonderful He is. My family has been given the gift of fire so that we can see Him more clearly. I do not wish this fire on anyone but I pray that somehow, you encounter God in such an intense way that out of the outpouring of your heart...there flows gratefulness!
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Year of Joy
For some reason I feel the need to review the year. This is more for me to take delight in than for your enjoyment but you are welcome to read along as I walk through this year in words.
Jan 2010 was a rough time for me, or so I thought. I was facing a very difficult job. Brian had no job as the year dawned and I had very little hope but was weakly trying to trust my Lord. Trying is an interesting word. I have found for me, that it is a word that is used to justify my sinning rather than just blind obedience. Oh, I still use the word but I am learning to try less and do more. Now back to the task at hand... by mid-Jan Brian had received an offer of employment with Vanderbilt Cancer Access Center. I was thrilled at the future possibilities and the amazing answer to prayer.
I now felt that God was allowing me, my time, to remove myself from a difficult work environment and raise the income of our little family. I began the serious possibility of finding a new job. In the meantime, my boss found her golden ticket out of there and my hopes rose. By April, I had begun the interview process with Sommet group and took the job at the end of May. We all know how that turned out! LOL If you do not... just goggle it!
My dreams were crushed by July. I lost my job. I had landed and lost a job that would advance my career and was a huge lift to the family budget. I had also discovered a lump in my left breast, just before I took the job at Sommet and it was about to rear its ugly head! Three days before I was told I probably had breast cancer, I lost my job! We had been planning a trip to Disney World for 3 years and had to make a decision if we should go through with it or cash in our tickets so we could live off the money till I found a job. We had already paid a non-refundable week stay at a condo, we had already bought the tickets and we had the money in savings for food and gas. We made the decision, that our family needed this time together because our future looked very uncertain.
That vacation we managed to completely forget about the breast cancer and job loss for 3 days. When we did remember, we actually laughed at how wonderful it was to just have fun! God was giving us something special to remember and treasure in the months to come. We came back from that vacation ready to face what lay ahead. Oddly enough, I was never scared of the word cancer. Somehow, God had just prepared my heart for it and I knew that this was my path. I was sad at what I thought it was going to take from me but never really scared. Brian's reaction was different. He was not prepared but he faced it head on and was amazing. He did break down a few times but it was an amazing show of strength to me to see him face his fears and weep at what God was asking. I watched my husband thank God for choosing us, I watched him ask God to teach us and use us during this time. I watched my husband lead his family through the fire with confidence in His Father.
In August, we faced the mastectomy, October we began chemo and now we sit halfway through this process. It will be full year in the making but what a testament to God's faithfulness.
A friend joined me at chemo today and reminded me of the wonderful book of Isaiah so I came home and started flipping through it. It is quite possibly one of my favorite books. It takes you through almost every human emotion. I landed on Isiah 12:2-6 and could not stop the tears as it truly is the testimony of my heart.
"Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The Lord, The Lord, is my strength and song; he has become my salvation. With joy you will draw water from the wells of salvation. In that day you will say; Give thanks to the Lord, call on his name; make known among the nations what he has done and proclaim that his name is exalted. Sing to the Lord for he has done glorious things; let this be know to the world. Shout aloud and sing for joy, people of Zion, for great is the Holy One of Israel among you."
What a beautiful passage! This last year is a year of joy, hope and proclamation for me! Each time I was "trying" to trust God, He gently reminded me that He was in control. My husband workedd for the Cancer Cetner and got transferred to the Breast Center! How amazing is that?!Each week we got so low in funds that Brian, knew we were going to need some help, a check would come in the mail. Every time I began to lose hope and grow weary, God reminded me that He showed me that cancer. That my doctor listened to me and that it was found 2 and a half years before I was scheduled for that mammogram! Two years from now, would have been 2 late. Every time that I grew concerned about the toll this was taking on my daughter, God reminded me that He is protecting her heart and she is doing well in that face of everything. I am singing and shouting at the wonder of my God. What Satan intended for evil... God has turned into a beautiful testimony of God's saints taking care of each other and depending on Him for healing and protection!
Jan 2010 was a rough time for me, or so I thought. I was facing a very difficult job. Brian had no job as the year dawned and I had very little hope but was weakly trying to trust my Lord. Trying is an interesting word. I have found for me, that it is a word that is used to justify my sinning rather than just blind obedience. Oh, I still use the word but I am learning to try less and do more. Now back to the task at hand... by mid-Jan Brian had received an offer of employment with Vanderbilt Cancer Access Center. I was thrilled at the future possibilities and the amazing answer to prayer.
I now felt that God was allowing me, my time, to remove myself from a difficult work environment and raise the income of our little family. I began the serious possibility of finding a new job. In the meantime, my boss found her golden ticket out of there and my hopes rose. By April, I had begun the interview process with Sommet group and took the job at the end of May. We all know how that turned out! LOL If you do not... just goggle it!
My dreams were crushed by July. I lost my job. I had landed and lost a job that would advance my career and was a huge lift to the family budget. I had also discovered a lump in my left breast, just before I took the job at Sommet and it was about to rear its ugly head! Three days before I was told I probably had breast cancer, I lost my job! We had been planning a trip to Disney World for 3 years and had to make a decision if we should go through with it or cash in our tickets so we could live off the money till I found a job. We had already paid a non-refundable week stay at a condo, we had already bought the tickets and we had the money in savings for food and gas. We made the decision, that our family needed this time together because our future looked very uncertain.
That vacation we managed to completely forget about the breast cancer and job loss for 3 days. When we did remember, we actually laughed at how wonderful it was to just have fun! God was giving us something special to remember and treasure in the months to come. We came back from that vacation ready to face what lay ahead. Oddly enough, I was never scared of the word cancer. Somehow, God had just prepared my heart for it and I knew that this was my path. I was sad at what I thought it was going to take from me but never really scared. Brian's reaction was different. He was not prepared but he faced it head on and was amazing. He did break down a few times but it was an amazing show of strength to me to see him face his fears and weep at what God was asking. I watched my husband thank God for choosing us, I watched him ask God to teach us and use us during this time. I watched my husband lead his family through the fire with confidence in His Father.
In August, we faced the mastectomy, October we began chemo and now we sit halfway through this process. It will be full year in the making but what a testament to God's faithfulness.
A friend joined me at chemo today and reminded me of the wonderful book of Isaiah so I came home and started flipping through it. It is quite possibly one of my favorite books. It takes you through almost every human emotion. I landed on Isiah 12:2-6 and could not stop the tears as it truly is the testimony of my heart.
"Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The Lord, The Lord, is my strength and song; he has become my salvation. With joy you will draw water from the wells of salvation. In that day you will say; Give thanks to the Lord, call on his name; make known among the nations what he has done and proclaim that his name is exalted. Sing to the Lord for he has done glorious things; let this be know to the world. Shout aloud and sing for joy, people of Zion, for great is the Holy One of Israel among you."
What a beautiful passage! This last year is a year of joy, hope and proclamation for me! Each time I was "trying" to trust God, He gently reminded me that He was in control. My husband workedd for the Cancer Cetner and got transferred to the Breast Center! How amazing is that?!Each week we got so low in funds that Brian, knew we were going to need some help, a check would come in the mail. Every time I began to lose hope and grow weary, God reminded me that He showed me that cancer. That my doctor listened to me and that it was found 2 and a half years before I was scheduled for that mammogram! Two years from now, would have been 2 late. Every time that I grew concerned about the toll this was taking on my daughter, God reminded me that He is protecting her heart and she is doing well in that face of everything. I am singing and shouting at the wonder of my God. What Satan intended for evil... God has turned into a beautiful testimony of God's saints taking care of each other and depending on Him for healing and protection!
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