Funny Ramblings...

Anna Beth has been so funny lately with the things coming out of her mouth. This last Saturday we were out looking at houses and made a stop for lunch. Anna Beth and I made a detour to the bathroom and finished up by washing our hands (of course!). The paper towel dispenser was automatic and would dispense another towel as soon as you tore it off. I grabbed one for myself and Anna Beth. When it spit out another Anna Beth looked up at it and said, "We have enough but thank you!" It was so funny but for the life of her she could no figure out why Mommy was laughing.

On last Thursday, I was driving home with Anna Beth from an errand and she began to talk about Jesus. She spends a lot of time trying to figure Him out and we have had many conversations related to this. Anna Beth began to tell me that Jesus was in the seat next to her and was buckled up to be safe. I am glad that she is so aware of His presence but sometimes it is hard not to laugh out loud when she is so literal.

Tonight, I was running the dryer and Brian's shorts were kicking up a bunch of noise. (He has a metal buckle on them) Anna Beth leaned over to me and said, "Mommy, it sounds like popcorn" The girl does love her popcorn.

The pictures attached are from the fountains in front of the court house in downtown Nashville. I was shooting some senior photos for a friend of mine. Anna Beth had been great for the 3 hours of pictures and I let her get soaking wet. She came home in some extra panties that were in her bag and froze in the car. I asked her if it was worth if and she said YES!

Visions from the past...

After flipping through Facebook, I have been faced with visions of my past and realized just how much they have shaped me and here is how...

My mother grew up in an abusive home and for years struggled with her anger and fears. That was demonstrated through the way that she disciplined me. For years, I hid bruises and lived in fear. Mom never meant to hurt me but truly was just raising me the way that she had been taught. My teens were difficult as our relationship was a struggle. At 16, I was molested by a boy in our youth group and at 19, I was date raped. I had learned to hide things from my parents that could cause friction and thus I remained quiet and led my parents to believe that I had just been rebellious and strayed.

My early 20's was a time of renewal in Christ and my relationship with the Lord grew to such that I was awed by Him everyday. I was accepted by a ministry that traveled across the country teaching about personal revival. This is the time where I learned to hide my fears and emotions from other believers. As a children's minister, I thrived! I delved deep into the Word and sought out the truth. My personal truth was my worst enemy at the time. In that type of ministry, people do not want to hear that you are vulnerable and raw. I saw some amazing things and truly believe that God had a strong hand on that ministry but there were times that I was driven by the leaders to search for hidden sins that only caused me to become depressed and fearful. We called this a "witch hunt for sin" Instead of allowing God to show us our sin, we went looking for it! Staying in "host" homes was my biggest downfall. Fears from my past surfaced and I could not put into words the hurt and healing that was taking place in my heart. This was interpreted again as rebellion and caused such great grief that I began to struggle with eating and sleeping. In the end, I left the ministry before the end of my 3rd year. Staying was just too painful and yet I struggled for years as I felt that I had failed to complete the task set before me. This was one of the darkest times in my life as I felt completely alone.

It took me a full year before I could go back and become a part of church. The church that I returned to was not the church that I had left 3 1/2 years earlier. The church had split and become bitter and hard. Several people in the church were angry and blamed the ministry that I had been a part of for destroying the church and I found that again, my "safe haven" was no safe place. God was so faithful to me during that time and continued to mold my heart in the image of Him. I finally found a church that I could become a part of and began to work in the Children's Ministry there. It was an amazing time and I grew in my faith much as I wrote and developed the Bible curriculum. Children have a way of restoring your faith in people and old wounds began to heal.

During this time, we discovered that my Grandmother had Alzheimer's. I bought a house and moved her in with me. The next 2 years were spent working during the day with special needs children and picking Grammy up from adult daycare at the end of the day. That was personally a very draining time for me. She threw books, coffee mugs and various other items at my head as she could not express her anger and frustration very well. My evenings were spent putting the knobs back on the stove to fix dinner, cleaning up, pulling stuff out of the trash that she had thrown away such as pictures, Bibles and jewelry, fishing stuff out of toilets and finally getting her bathed and to bed. In the end, Grammy was getting up about 3 times every night and getting lost in the house. Usually she was looking for the bathroom so putting her back to bed meant cleaning up messes and tucking her in. After 2 years, I realized that I could no longer cope and it was time to move Grammy to an assisted living center.

My sister moved into the house with me and I decided to get back into the real world. I started surfing the net and spending time with my Bible study buddies. It was a time of refreshment and delight at what God had led me through. During this time, I met the love of my life on a dating web site. Brian traveled back and forth for months from Nashville, TN to my home town of Jackson, TN. He was a professional drummer and was the sweetest thing on this side of heaven. God had given me a man of wisdom and one fully devoted to loving me! We were married on January 24th, 2004, just 11 months after having met online! I moved to Nashville and finally began the journey of opening my heart up to others.

God has been so faithful to me during the darkest of times and He has lead me to a church that loves the faults as much as the gifts. As Brian and my friends have slowly pulled away the layers of fear on my heart, I have found a sense of redemption in Christ for the first time in my life. I had never experienced unconditional love here on earth. There were always stipulations and clauses. I have known in my head that I was loved by God but the last 4 1/2 years has been the first time that I have ever seen it manifested. My daughter has been a gateway to forgiving and understanding my Mom. While I had chosen to forgive in the past, I began to understand her on a level that was not possible until I had a child of my own. I have loved getting to know my parents in a new way, There are treasures here on earth that were given to me to mold me into the image of God. I am no Grecian Urn but I have found that I am still special. All the knobby points and craters on my shell are my signs of growth. This is my journey to date and I am excited to see the testimony that will continue in my heart. I am forever grateful that God gave me the strength and grace to send me through the fire. My heart is full of joy and I am daily reminded of the life that He saved me from as I watch the world around me. He could have allowed me to be the one that was raised in a house of drugs and prostitution and yet He did not. My heavenly Father chose to send me along a path, that while hard, was not unconquerable with His direction and strength.