Today peace and encouragement have alluded me. It is not the events of the last few months but the here and now that cause my heart to waver. God has been so faithful through the job transition with Brian, the job loss, the year of tough parenting and the recent break-in. We have watched in wonder as He has used people in our lives to provide and encourage. Every day my heart is at peace knowing that God cares for His children and I need not fear the unknown because He has prepared the way.
The things that break me are the day to day battles. Not enough time and overwhelming work. Making choices to let things go to spend time with my family. This means letting the laundry sit, the bathrooms building dirt and the big meals left un-cooked. While they go undone they are never far from my mind and the feeling of failure in these areas. There is never enough time to sleep, work 10 hour days and care for the family in the ways that I desire to do so.
Tonight, I came home and chose to take a few minutes for myself. With this comes guilt because there are hugs to give and things to do. But tonight I chose to rest with my Father. I grabbed my Oswald Chambers book and Bible and sat to listen. I had 15 minutes at best with Anna Beth anxious to share her day, so I dove in. The text was on "Wrestling Before God" Based on Ephesians 6:13 & 18 "Take up the whole armor of God... praying always..." The part that impacted me the most was the distinction between God's perfect will and permissive will. My family is living in the permissive will of God of late and through this God has taught us much about joy and faith. We have been tested in the areas of physical need, mental exhaustion and spiritual brokenness. I have sought the face of my God more this year than in several years past praying for God to care for the large problems that "I" cannot handle. Constantly I have sought to find the lessons in the tests. Tonight, I realized the test that I have failed to see... "the little things"
"The Little Things" I keep as my own burdens because I do not want to bother God with things so trite. I skip a piece of Armor because I do not think that I will need it that day or I skip praying always but pray as needs arise. My focus becomes clouded with needs, wants and desires. I feel justified worrying and stressing over them because they are not really for me after all but my family that surrounds me. Oswald stated... "Put up a glorious fight and you will find yourself empowered with His strength." God never intends for us to go into battle unarmed and He NEVER intended for us to go alone! I sense, that God sits waiting and watching, aching to lift my burden that appears to small to even bother with.
My test has not been in the "big" things because those are easy to trust Him with. The test is in trusting Him with my tears, chores and frustrations. Daily surrender to and in doing so completeness in Christ!
