Christmas Expectations...

I am not sure what I had expected for Christmas this year. I had done research, read articles on the best ways to keep Christmas relaxed and not overwhelming for an ASD kid. I had prepared myself for Adi not appearing interested or being indifferent but I was not prepared for the look of betrayal on his face. The confusion and hurt that I saw in his eyes and the anger that emerged. It broke my heart.

Christmas Eve we headed to the Vandy Children’s Hospital to help serve at their Christmas Eve service. Something about being there and coming home to open their Christmas Eve Jammies triggered something painful in my boy. He came after me with a vengeance and clawed, pinched and hit me in the face till Brian could get him pulled off. I had dealt with this before…but this time his face broke my heart. I was the woman that tried to step into the role of mom to him and he was angry, hurt, sad and LOST. Brian pulled him into our room to calm while I lay on the floor of Adi’s room sobbing and asking God how to fix this. As a mom, I just want to be able to fix the pain and make it easier but I cannot save my boy from this grief. He must walk through it and slowly come to terms with the changes in his world. At the same time, we were receiving emails from birth parents, sharing their pictures and memories from this time last year. They were hurting too and I was struggling to comfort everyone that was feeling so raw and exposed.

Christmas morning was just about as hard. The same anger still resided in my little boy and I was stressed because his only source of comfort had to go to church. Daddy was leaving us for a while to go play for the Christmas service. Adi retreated to his room. Laying in his bed and withdrawing into a world of electronics. Anna Beth and I followed his lead and allowed him the space. After an hour, I went to his door and requested to come in and hug him. He agreed but offered little in the way of communication. I left his room with a small amount of hope as he had no anger left in him. A few minutes later Adi emerged from his room and climbed right on top of me, ready to quietly re-enter the family. By the time daddy arrived back home, we were on better footing and ready to face the rest of our day.

This first year will be the hardest. Each event or milestone is a step farther from the past and with that brings greater trust but also grief. We are never sure what the triggers are or what will trigger memories but they cause raw and painful emotions to surface. How do you comfort a 5 year old that has all the feels but no way to process them? How do you explain the logic of what happened to him when he does not process thoughts in a logical way? The answer…you don’t. You pray hard, you comfort when you can, you allow for a safe space to express those emotions and you wait for the day when you can share with him his story. How do you comfort birth parents that made a hard /brave choice but are now grieving a loss you can only attempt to imagine? The answer…you don’t. You offer hope, you open your heart to listen to their grief, you share what you can, and you pray God continues to open the door to share salvation with them.

There are days that I wonder how far God can stretch me before I break. But isn’t that what God wants? He wants to break me so more of HIM can be revealed. He wants our story to reflect HIS redemptive power. This Christmas there was joy too. It was that little flicker of hope for what God was doing. Each moment of raging allows for a deeper trust. It provides opportunities for us to pray over Adi out loud so he can be witness to the realness and comfort of this Jesus we always talk about. It gives us opportunities to pour out grace on people that were once strangers to us but are now forever a part of our hearts. The orchestration of our family could have only happened by the hand of God and there is hope in that. I am not sure what 2017 will hold and the “TYPE A” in me would love to plan it out but 2016 has proven that to go deeper with my Jesus, I must surrender my plans. I must place my trust in God and allow Him to continue to push me farther from my comfort zones. My expectations destroy opportunities for God to work in my heart. I’m setting goals that allow flexibility for God’s plans to take precedence. As hard as this story has been, I would choose it over and over again.

Wrapping Up 2016!

How do you wrap up a year like this in just a few sentences? How do you express a year of faith and emotion in one blog? Brian and I sat and talked for about 2 hours last night. Each of us mentally walking through the changes we have experienced and been witness to this year. Both of us quietly in awe of our God stories. There is nothing else that can explain the orchestration of this past year.

We started January 2016 discouraged. In fact Christmas 2015 felt uncertain and disheartening. We had already been in conversations with Adi’s birth parents for 2 months at that point and we felt discouraged by their responses. We had a very small circle of people that we could be completely honest and open with about the conversations taking place behind the scenes. We went to work, church and events with heavy hearts but could not share why. It was not till the end of February that we had an answer. Unless something drastic happened, Adi would soon be coming home to Tennessee. I will never forget the moment we told AB it was happening. She had hoped, dreamed and prayed just like we had. She was just as emotionally invested in this process as we were. I have said it before and I will say it again, that kid is tough as nails. She guards her heart closely and the day she realized she could swing it open, we saw her exhale as though she had been holding her breath for years. Many times we have wondered why God asked us to wait so very long and we may never really know the answer to that question. We both know that God used those years to change our expectations and desires for our adoption. Four years ago we would have not been open to such a unique adoption and all the messy that came with it.

March 19th we made the fastest and hardest trip to meet our son for the very first time. We spent 15 hours in a car, with three, fifteen minute stops so we could arrive in time to meet a family that would forever be intertwined with ours. He had no idea he would be ours. Our time there was emotionally taxing as we were attempting to enter Adi’s world, balance the emotions of our birth parents with our excitement. As a mom, you always imagine holding your child for the first time. As an adoptive mom, you can’t wrap your head around meeting your child when he is 4 ½…I know you don’t know me but I love you, want you, prayed for you and will push you to be your very best. That older girl, sitting on the floor next to you, reading you a book….she prayed for a brother like you for a very long time and she wants you to know that she will protect you. That man, sliding to the floor beside you…he has the biggest heart you will ever know and he will tuck you in every night with prayers and kisses. He will stand over you after you are asleep and stare in wonder that God gave you to us. That first meeting…it shattered my heart. I sat in the floor with birth momma, hugging, and shed tears…we knew this was best but we also knew the grief would be heavy, the quiet she would soon experience would be deafening.

We rushed home and begin finalizing paperwork, painting and decorating his room. Calling the school and setting up meetings, picking a pediatrician, getting medical records and reports sent to the correct offices and sharing our story with a wider group of people. Nothing was set in stone until they signed those papers so we worked in faith. Finally the date was set, bags were packed and we made our way back to New York on May 8th, 2016. I was terrified! If everything went as planned, Brian would leave me behind, in this huge city, with 2 kids, one of which I barely knew. I could be here 2 weeks and possibly have to put my oldest on a plane by herself. But God knows what we need and when we need it. He knows when to rescue us and when to ask more of us. The morning of May 9th changed our family forever. We arrived at the adoption agency just a little while after the birth parents had left. We sat in the same room where they had forever signed away the rights to Adi. Trusting us with his care and believing we were the best choice for their son. I had papers put in my hands…told to sign and initial on several lines and then I looked up into the kind eyes of the case worker. I saw grief and happiness reflected there and I broke. Tears rushed out of my eyes as I realized he was ours but also that he was no longer theirs. I cannot say that we left that office overjoyed and excited. We left that office with heavy hearts at what was still left to face and relief that God had given us a new story. The next two weeks were the hardest we have faced as a family since my bought with cancer in 2010. There was joy in it too but we had to look for it. We had to fight for it. God gave us a miracle that week and our paperwork was processed faster than anyone expected. On May 14th, Anna Beth, Adi, birth parents and I all boarded a plane and headed home. We arrived home and prepared ourselves for watching a long, hard goodbye. I think I shed so many tears that week I was dehydrated. We had pictures done with birth parents, we went on outings, we spent hours talking about their expectations, and finally we said goodbye.

The last half of this year has been surreal. November 22nd, 2016 Adi officially because Aditya Davis Wood! There are still times that Brian and I sneak in to watch Adi sleep for a few minutes just to make sure we did not dream it. We have watched Anna Beth in amazement as she has shown grace, unconditional love and amazing sensitivity to her new sibling. It has been beautiful and it is been so hard. We have had parenting fails and parenting wins. We have fought hard to not loose US during this process. We have learned so much about being intentional every day with our words and actions. We have continued to build our relationship with birth parents while still creating boundaries. We have protected Adi till he felt safe and now we push Adi to expand his walls. We have held Anna Beth as she has navigated the new experience of being a sibling and also the challenges of Middle School. And Brian and I have gone deeper in our relationship as we talk and pray through the hard of this past year. We are turning a corner as we head into this New Year. We will finish our year by dedicating Adi to Jesus on December 18th. We are hoping for a quieter season of life but also looking forward to seeing God work. We want to thank all of you for praying us through this last year. While we are both introverts that are terrible at being social, (still not sure how Anna Beth ended up an extrovert) we appreciate you. We are grateful for you asking us how we are and what we need. For being our village as we navigated some messy days. For crying with us, cheering us on, and quietly nodding your head at us from across the room in solidarity. I am grateful to put 2016 behind us but that does not mean I don’t rejoice in it. I am just ready to move forward and laugh more than I cry…serve more…move out of comfort zones…I want to continue my passion for raising kids to know and love Jesus… to be a village for others. I look forward with expectation to 2017 while quietly reflecting on a year where we saw God change our hearts, and family.