I have spent a lot of time in quiet the last two weeks. My heart, my body and my soul drained. Removed from my family and friends in many ways and quietly crying in those dark moments, I have sought my Father in heaven. My Father that created me and the same Father that has gone before me. Weary beyond my imagination, sick, and helpless in many ways I have fought my enemy with prayer. Often my head hurt too much to even open the Word so in those moments I just cried out to Him in prayer. When I have had enough focus and energy I have spent much of my time in Psalms. It has been a balm for my heart and a constant reminder that I am to praise in all things. I am to seek my strength in God and remind myself of His goodness to me.
"Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand, You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory. Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has NOTHING I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Those who are far from you will perish; you will destroy all who are unfaithful to you. But as for me, it is good to be near God (love that line!). I have made the Sovereign Lord my refuge; I will tell of all your deeds." -Ps. 73:23-28
This has been so much harder than I thought possible and everything in me wants to give in to a good old pity party. I cannot and I refuse! God has blessed me in so many ways through this. I have seen the incredible strength and love in my husband's eyes. I have developed friendships, some new and some old. I have sought to find the blessing in each situation and discovered that God truly provides comfort and love in tiny little details. There are times that I fail at this and one look to God and I am reminded of His goodness.
I have a Christian nurse that mailed me a card after my first treatment and then sought me out today to hug and kiss me and tell me that I was a blessing to her. I have a team of doctors and nurses that sit, listen, brainstorm and seek to give me the best possible physical and emotional support possible. My family (which includes my dear sister-in-law, Lindsey that lives with us) is amazing! Each day they step it up when I can only make it from the bathroom to the bed. My sister and her husband that call, stop in, bring food, and help care for my family. My parents and Brian's parents have called, prayed, loved and taken care of us in so many ways. Our church have stunned me with generosity, love, meals, support and most of all prayer.
How can I be anything but grateful that God allowed me this opportunity to bask in His goodness? Yes, this is a battle against cancer but I have found it to be something deeper. A continuous journey to seek to see God's glory in every situation. I have found joy in the journey, the tears and the pain. God loves me and my family more than I can possibly comprehend and it has been a humbling experience to watch it unfold. I will be weak have dark moments, cry, and snap at those I love but I also have a hope that cannot be diminished!
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Warrior Princess
I am taking on the new head gear with gusto and trying to make it as fun as possible but there is still some sadness too.
I decided early in this process, that when the time came, we were going to make it fun! So thus the plans for a party began. I have secretly called it my "Warrior Princess Party" but dared not tell Brian because he would shake his head and laugh. I picked Warrior Princess because I am refusing to allow this to control me, rather I will own it! When I had my chemo date set, I called out to my tribe and set the date. They arrived laden with food and ready for fun and maybe a few tears. We ate, made some margritas took some pictures and then I sat in the chair in the middle of the room and burst into tears! LOL Some "Warrior!" One of my dearest friends that I have come to love more and more everyday, knelt down in front of me and told me I had every right to cry and did they want me to pray? My tribe gathered, laid hands on me, prayed and wept with me before I gave up my hair. After, they were ripping out ear-rings and telling me to wear the biggest ones. My hat and scarf collection appeared and we all began to try them out.
I knew that I needed my friends and I am willing to admit that I did not want to do this alone. I can't do this alone. Isn't that the way that the way that God intended it? For us to support, love and walk with each other through these moments in life? I don't want to be tough. I don't want to be strong because in doing so I miss such sweet moments as I had last night. I am stronger for admiting my need and allowing those around me to hold me up than if I ever did this in secret.
"Carry each others burdens, and in this way, you will fulfill the law of Christ." Gal 6:2
In my fellowship I have found accountability, protection, love, acceptance, trust and a place of raw honesty. How can Satan be strong when we are in such a place of vunerability before our Lord? How can he gain a foot hold when we have our tribe standing guard ready to provide support and honest critisim? In my entire life, I have never felt so close to a group women. I have to believe that if we just let down our walls and let others in, we would find freedom. In this way, I am bucking socitety and allowing others to see who I really am. It is empowering and my heart is full of gratefulness.
This "Warrior Princess" has gone into battle. My armor is on and my army has surrounded me. I fight not just against cancer, but also the fears, depression, and physically weakness that accompany it. I am looking forward to the day when I will be a part of the army provding this for one of my tribe and I am hoping that my tribe will be even bigger by the time I am done!
I decided early in this process, that when the time came, we were going to make it fun! So thus the plans for a party began. I have secretly called it my "Warrior Princess Party" but dared not tell Brian because he would shake his head and laugh. I picked Warrior Princess because I am refusing to allow this to control me, rather I will own it! When I had my chemo date set, I called out to my tribe and set the date. They arrived laden with food and ready for fun and maybe a few tears. We ate, made some margritas took some pictures and then I sat in the chair in the middle of the room and burst into tears! LOL Some "Warrior!" One of my dearest friends that I have come to love more and more everyday, knelt down in front of me and told me I had every right to cry and did they want me to pray? My tribe gathered, laid hands on me, prayed and wept with me before I gave up my hair. After, they were ripping out ear-rings and telling me to wear the biggest ones. My hat and scarf collection appeared and we all began to try them out.
I knew that I needed my friends and I am willing to admit that I did not want to do this alone. I can't do this alone. Isn't that the way that the way that God intended it? For us to support, love and walk with each other through these moments in life? I don't want to be tough. I don't want to be strong because in doing so I miss such sweet moments as I had last night. I am stronger for admiting my need and allowing those around me to hold me up than if I ever did this in secret.
"Carry each others burdens, and in this way, you will fulfill the law of Christ." Gal 6:2
In my fellowship I have found accountability, protection, love, acceptance, trust and a place of raw honesty. How can Satan be strong when we are in such a place of vunerability before our Lord? How can he gain a foot hold when we have our tribe standing guard ready to provide support and honest critisim? In my entire life, I have never felt so close to a group women. I have to believe that if we just let down our walls and let others in, we would find freedom. In this way, I am bucking socitety and allowing others to see who I really am. It is empowering and my heart is full of gratefulness.
This "Warrior Princess" has gone into battle. My armor is on and my army has surrounded me. I fight not just against cancer, but also the fears, depression, and physically weakness that accompany it. I am looking forward to the day when I will be a part of the army provding this for one of my tribe and I am hoping that my tribe will be even bigger by the time I am done!
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