Tears in the Dark

I have spent a lot of time in quiet the last two weeks. My heart, my body and my soul drained. Removed from my family and friends in many ways and quietly crying in those dark moments, I have sought my Father in heaven. My Father that created me and the same Father that has gone before me. Weary beyond my imagination, sick, and helpless in many ways I have fought my enemy with prayer. Often my head hurt too much to even open the Word so in those moments I just cried out to Him in prayer. When I have had enough focus and energy I have spent much of my time in Psalms. It has been a balm for my heart and a constant reminder that I am to praise in all things. I am to seek my strength in God and remind myself of His goodness to me.

"Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand, You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory. Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has NOTHING I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Those who are far from you will perish; you will destroy all who are unfaithful to you. But as for me, it is good to be near God (love that line!). I have made the Sovereign Lord my refuge; I will tell of all your deeds." -Ps. 73:23-28

This has been so much harder than I thought possible and everything in me wants to give in to a good old pity party. I cannot and I refuse! God has blessed me in so many ways through this. I have seen the incredible strength and love in my husband's eyes. I have developed friendships, some new and some old. I have sought to find the blessing in each situation and discovered that God truly provides comfort and love in tiny little details. There are times that I fail at this and one look to God and I am reminded of His goodness.

I have a Christian nurse that mailed me a card after my first treatment and then sought me out today to hug and kiss me and tell me that I was a blessing to her. I have a team of doctors and nurses that sit, listen, brainstorm and seek to give me the best possible physical and emotional support possible. My family (which includes my dear sister-in-law, Lindsey that lives with us) is amazing! Each day they step it up when I can only make it from the bathroom to the bed. My sister and her husband that call, stop in, bring food, and help care for my family. My parents and Brian's parents have called, prayed, loved and taken care of us in so many ways. Our church have stunned me with generosity, love, meals, support and most of all prayer.

How can I be anything but grateful that God allowed me this opportunity to bask in His goodness? Yes, this is a battle against cancer but I have found it to be something deeper. A continuous journey to seek to see God's glory in every situation. I have found joy in the journey, the tears and the pain. God loves me and my family more than I can possibly comprehend and it has been a humbling experience to watch it unfold. I will be weak have dark moments, cry, and snap at those I love but I also have a hope that cannot be diminished!