The Scars of a Legalistic Christianity

Years ago, in another life, I traveled with a ministry that was revival centered. I thought this was going to be an incredible experience of growing deeply in the Lord and serving in a Children’s Pastor role. We traveled to a new church every two to three weeks and completely took over their services, children, and youth areas. Those three years of living on the road for ten months out of every year ended up being some of the darkest of my life.

 

Those three years almost caused me to walk away from any church association forever. Strangely enough, it was not the people that we ministered to that broke me; it was the leadership that I traveled with, supported, and took counsel from that caused the most harm. Early on I came to understand that leadership was our judge and jury. They were not there to actually invest in you as an individual, they were there to keep you in line and make sure that you did not tarnish the image of the ministry. There were long lists of rules, daily meetings that sent us into introspection for deeply rooted sin, and an overall sense of damnation. Before you assume I am being overly dramatic…one of the nights during the meetings, we actually taught the churches to walk through a list of sins, check each one that they had ever committed, and pray thoroughly for forgiveness. We were encouraged to go through this “sin list” weekly. My walk with the Lord quickly became exhausting, self-deprecating, and all grace had been removed.

 

I quickly became dubbed a “problem child”…was accused of things I had never done and disciplined accordingly. In the three years I served with this ministry I was moved to three different teams and apparently my “reputation” preceded me. I developed anxiety to such a level that I developed an auto-immune disorder which was interpreted as a way to seek attention. I considered suicide, I cried myself to sleep almost nightly, and I prayed for death or a rescue. In the end, I was given an ultimatum and chose to walk away from a ministry that I had felt called to serve in.

 

Not everyone in this ministry had this same experience but there were some that did and it was hard to recover from. In hindsight, I should have never been a part of such a ministry. Previous wounds from past experiences had made me vunerable and ill-prepared to deal with such a legalistic environment. Memories of this time recently came to the surface again through a discussion at church with my tribe and also being in contact with someone that is still a part of this ministry. Before I was prepared for it, emotions of brokenness welled up within me.

 

I don’t share this to bash a ministry that I once was a part but it reminded me as a parent, as a believer, as someone who is part of a body of Christ, do I fall into the trap of legalistic behavior? I struggle with this because I was raised in such an environment. I sometimes project this on my children and others…on of my greatest fears is that I will turn my children’s hearts away from Jesus in the effort of helping them become perfect Christians. I want to shower people with love dripping in grace. Can my children see discipline as an act of love because I am doing it the right way or am I damaging Christ’s reputation with my tongue? We as parents and believers are first called to love and then teach. I want to raise up people who share the love of their Father. I want them to be so intimately aquainted with their Father’s heart that others are drawn to Jesus.

 

 I am a broken individual with incredibly deep scars but my heart yearns to love my family and others. I still run from hurt and stay away from strong individuals that I fear their judgement…BUT God is teaching me still. Even at the age of forty-five God is growing me in my faith and my relationship with Him continues to deepen. I was not broken beyond his healing power…no one is and there is incredible mercy in knowing that.

The Cup Offense....

People are often confused about how kids/adults with autism respond to emotion or don’t appear to respond to emotion. At times it appears that people with autism don’t have emotion but in fact, the opposite is true. They can have powerful emotional reactions but do not know how to respond to those emotions appropriately. It is for this reason that we often spend our days telling Adi when we are excited, happy, sad, proud, etc. We make him look at us so he can start to recognize the physical and vocal cues. We show and tell him how to respond to each of these emotions. If mommy is happy… smile and give a high five! If mommy is sad… give her a hug. If you did something wrong… say I’m sorry and give a hug. Sometimes he is so upset that he messed up that he gets angry with himself and since he does not know how to express that emotion, he attacks. Thus begins the story of a cup…

 

Sunday night we were eating dinner and Adi seemed agitated about something. In the middle of the meal, he gets up from his chair, walks over to Anna Beth and knocks her cup of water over, then returned to his seat. It was in that moment that Brian and I realized Anna Beth had inadvertently used one of his cups. We have those little plastic party cups with different characters on them such as Paw Patrol, Dory, Star Wars, etc. They are the perfect size, Anna Beth has Star Wars ones and the rest of them are Adi’s. He knew immediately that she was using one of his cups and he was offended. We all sat there in stunned silence for a few minutes before jumping into action to clean up the mess. Once the water, ice, table, and floor were dry Anna Beth looked at me and said, “I don’t understand why he is not in time-out!” It was at that point that I realized we had not really addressed the poor choice with Adi in our hurry to clean up the mess and help Anna Beth.

 

I got up from my chair, went over to Adi and asked for his hand. At that point, I lightly tapped the hand that had pushed over the cup and told him that it was not ok to knock over Anna Beth’s water and if he did not like her using his cup, he needed to use his words. I don’t think I even finished my sentence before he lunged at me and started clawing my face. Again, he was angry about the cup, he was upset that he disappointed momma and that was a lot of emotion to process so he lashed out. Brian had to head around the table and peel him off of me at that point and it took a full hour for him to calm down. He could not even stand to be within view of the two of us for an hour. After a time-out with daddy, some deep compression hugs and reassurances from momma that I loved him no matter what, he walked into the living room, kissed Anna Beth and I, and apologized to both of us without any prompting.

 

You would think this was the end of it but you would be wrong. He has been angry for 3 days people. He cannot tell you why, he cannot process the emotions he is feeling, and he expels crocodile tears every time he lashes out because he does not want to hurt us. Last night found me in Walmart with an angry Adi that kept clawing my face and chest every time I got within arm’s length. At one point I was calmly talking to a Sales Associate while holding Adi’s arms as he was trying to lunge and attack me. To the Sales Associate’s credit, he did not respond to Adi’s antics at all and continued taking care of my needs as though he completely understood the situation.  

 

These situations are rare but that does not make them any less hard. Before you think Adi has completely recovered from the trauma of adoption, you are reminded of the lack of trust and deep hurt that comes out in situations like these. The response ALWAYS has to be a calm spirit, lots of grace, and reassurance of unconditional love while at the same time teaching a better response. The goal is to remain gentle and calm so he responds in kind. It hurts the heart and yes, after it is over I break down but God is there to lean into and gives comfort. The Lord prepared us for this, He poured out all kinds of grace so we can be gentle in the face of hard. While I expect Brian and I to be able to have the strength and knowledge to do this I am always in awe of how much God prepared Anna Beth as well. Adi can be lunging at her and instead of anger… she holds his hands and reminds him that he is safe, that Jesus loves him, and that she does too.

 

When you see that parent in the store dealing with a hard situation such as this….please don’t judge but pray over them. Shoot them a gentle smile or offer to help. These parents need community support and these kids need your understanding. The world is filtered through a different lens for them but it is not any less beautiful or precious.

Thirteen...

 My sweet girl…today you turn thirteen and I am still as in awe of you as I was the day I found out you were coming. You were a miracle to me, one that I never thought I would be a part of and I am so grateful God knit you together, making me your momma.

 

You have faced hard things this year and in years past. You have walked a path at times that others your age have not. But it has also given you an incredible perspective and empathy for others that are walking through hard things. I have seen/heard you ask hard questions so you can define your faith and position. I have watched you be unwilling to change or bend to become “typical.” I have seen you fight the battle of conforming to a group of followers and instead blaze new paths. You are a leader which is often misunderstood for controlling. You are learning to identify your weaknesses and work to strengthen them. This year I have watched you become discouraged but you are working hard to keep fighting the hard thing. I have watched you work at learning how to balance respect while standing for what is right.

 

I admire your ability to talk to strangers and befriend them. While your cats drive me crazy, I love the way you adore them. I find your obsession with Star Wars, Lilo and Stitch, rocks, and even Build A Bear endearing. I find the way you see deep meaning in simple things stunning. I am grateful that you seek mine and your daddy’s counsel rather than running to unsafe places, even when it can be embarrassing or hard. While your level of energy often exhausts me, I smile and cannot imagine you being different. Thank you for loving your brother with such fierceness. Thank you for praying for God to bring him into our family and then celebrating the change rather than mourning your loss of being an only child.

 

You make me shake my head each time you incur a new injury and yet you also amaze me at your genuine toughness. From walking on a fractured knee for two weeks to falling from the top of a jungle gym and never shedding a tear. You have more resolve to fight through pain than many men I know. On the flip side I have seen you weep over a hamster that was suffering. While I may at times grow weary of the amazing volume of words you can say in under five minutes, I love that you want to share all those thoughts with me.

 

I want you to know that I am always praying over you. That I am committed to being a prayer warrior for you. I pray each day that you are aware of Jesus’s presence and that you live out that life of integrity. I pray that you are kind and others see Jesus in your countenance. My hope is that my walk with Jesus is evident to you and that you are also learning to walk in constant communication with Him. I pray you can learn to identify our Father’s work in your life each day, not just in the big hard things but in the small ones as well. May you find contentment and joy in simply being in communion with your heavenly Father. Don’t forget to lean into Him when you are tempted to fix things on your own. Remember that failing well and accepting grace is just as important as being right. Don’t ever be so content in your relationships that you stop working on them. Everything with value takes nurturing.

 

I am proud of you. For who you are now, not who you will be but in this moment… I am proud of you. I will always love you and will be a safe place for you. I love being your momma, even the hard work of that thing I call being a parent. You were created for the specific purpose of glorifying Jesus so keep your eyes set on that goal. I will be right there with you…also failing, also receiving grace, and encouraging you forward.  Happy Birthday my sweet girl! You are celebrated, cherished, and loved beyond your imagination!

Dear Momma of Littles-

I see you and I remember those hard days that never seem to end. Those days of teaching discipline and walking through what feels like the same day over and over. There is truth to the saying, “The days are long but the years are short.” There is nothing that I can say that will make you feel better about the hard of those days. The decisions of natural, organic, homeschooling…they all seem huge. I am an older parent caught between two worlds and I often feel painfully inadequate. God often reminds me that I do not have to be the perfect parent but I am the parent my children need. One is still little and the other has reached teen status. There are hard things about both those worlds but I want to remind you that you are working to raise adults. You are not exhausting yourself and giving your all each day to raise functional children…your end goal is functional adults. And to raise that bar, if you are a believer, your fight is so much more than that. You are in a battle, so make sure you are armed. Make sure that you have done the hard work of caring for you, your marriage, and your relationship with your heavenly Father.

My greatest fear for my oldest was not her learning to potty train, or holding my hand as we crossed the street. It was her being able to distinguish the truth of her faith from the false teaching. Being grounded in who she was as she walked into a large middle school where kids were trying to identify the difference between transgender, they/them vs. he and she, bisexual, transsexual, etc.. Supporting her as she found her place in middle school society and accepted that it is was ok not to be one of the cool kids. That she was unique and perfect just the way God created her and did not need to conform to be accepted. I prayed that she would reach out to me with her pain, her questions, her curiosity and that I would be ready with honest answers. It has been hard coaching her on working through conflict with teachers and peers. To know when it was time to step in as a parent and when it is wise to let her learn from her choices. As parents, we made the deliberate decision many years ago to let our kids fail…we wanted them to fail when we were still there to guide them through that challenge. We want them to leave us knowing how to fail, face it, and make wise choices going forward. We want to teach them to be prepared and have a plan of action for everything.

My girl and I recently had an incredibly difficult conversation. She texted us in the middle of the day sharing about a 17 year old that she knew was pregnant. She was judgmental, harsh, and lacked empathy. My immediate reaction was to be careful in response because I knew she would remember my reaction if she ever found herself in the same situation. I also wanted her to learn from this…that unless you have a plan and boundaries in place before you ever go on a date, you will fail morally EVERY.SINGLE.TIME.   We had deep heart talks about being compassionate, about knowing your plan for dating, about responding in love. It was beautifully hard. Each day I find deep meaning in my relationship with my middle schooler. She listens to everything I say, she stores it in her memory banks, she watches my reactions to her, she listens to the tone of my voice. EVERY single thing I say to her has significance. Every single thing she observes has significance. From mine and my husband’s relationship to our personal relationships with Jesus, has influence on her.  It either points her to Jesus or drives her to seek answers in this world that needs Jesus. The world wants her…they are trying desperately to reach her…we as parents have to be ready to teach truth. To not run from the hard conversations but lean into them.

Parenting does not get easier as they get older, it gets more complicated. It requires more thought, planning, and living out your faith in front of them. My dear friends that are parents of littles, you are just in training to be the parent your child needs as they age. As my children age, I see so much that I lack and it makes me run to the cross. Intentional parenting is so hard. It requires so much work but our goal is to raise Jesus lovers. We care not if they have successful careers, marry well, give us lots of grandchildren. If they are Jesus lovers, they will attract the right mate, they will be successful in the job God has for them, and they will be wonderful, intentional parents someday.

Parents of Littles…I am praying for you. I see your tired faces in the halls of church, the aisles of the stores, and at the endless activities. Don’t lose your focus in the daily grind that never seems to end. Before you know it, you will be facing a middle schooler, a high schooler, and a college student that needs your wisdom. Walk away from those dishes and invest in the relationship with your child when they are little. Become their closest relationship so that you can speak truth when they need it most. Find your tribe but chose carefully… pray for one another, allow the tribe to build relationships with your children so they can be a positive influence. The battle lines are hard to see sometimes but they are real and you are fighting for so much more than the daily grind of dishes, laundry, homework, etc. Don’t be judgmental of that other parent; just be the encouragement they need because someday you will need it to. 

Reflections...2017

It has been a while…this time of year brings out the emotion in me and anyone that knows me, knows I do so through documenting. This time last year we were still in the throws of adoption after-shock. We had circled the wagons and home life was tumultuous. Christmas Eve last year might go down as the hardest we have ever experienced. I remember lying on the floor of Adi’s bedroom sobbing with scratches all over my face and back. I longed to reach his heart and his pain was a heavy burden to carry.

 

We recently passed Adi’s adoption day. Most people would expect this to be a day of celebration and joy… In our house it induced tears. He remembers…he knows we were not his first parents, he can clearly understand what happened to him, and he has the added burden of not being able to express it fully as a typical child would. We looked at a picture of him and his birth parents, we talked about the way they loved him and the choice they made. We wiped away the tears and held him tight. The difference…last year he had anger…this year he had tears. Adi has learned to accept this trauma inducing change in his life but that does not remove the hurt. He is learning to forgive but that does not remove the 4 ½ years of memories he had with them. We hope that one day, he will be ready to open his heart to them again. This time of year we are watchful for signs of grief, for his need for reassurance. We lower our expectations for celebrations and allow him to lead the way in his response to them.  Adi has a firm grasp that Jesus loves him, is always taking care of him, and never leaves him. We have moved on to teaching him that God is good and wants us to make good choices. Choices is an important thing to my boy.

 

On the opposite end of the spectrum is our girl…she is every bit of twelve, almost thirteen. She is amazing, exhausting, full of life, with a heart so sensitive we fear we might break it. Finding the balance of honesty with encouragement is tricky. Daddy tends to get whiplash with the mood swings but my heart laughs a bit because I remember being the same exact way. On one hand she seems older and wiser than her typical peers and the next moment she is just the teen we expect her to be. God has gifted her with the ability to separate Adi’s responses when he is overwhelmed from Adi’s genuine love for her. She runs through the house playing hide-n-seek with him and ten minutes later recognizes he needs space. Anna Beth has spent large amounts of time studying her brother and learning him so she can love him fully. On the other hand, it is a miracle I have not broken a bone while attempting to climb over the stuff on her floor to get to her bed to kiss her good-night. We watch her caught between little girl and grown woman. She has not settled on her place in her world yet but seems confident in who she is while walking through her days. I’ve told Brian that I believe we will see her flourish once she reaches high school or college. Right now she still has that leadership personality in a middle school world that demands uniformity in order to achieve acceptance. We are proud of her as she has not fallen prey to that mind-set but continues to forge ahead, unwilling to bend to society rules. She is learning to let go of her demands for perfection out of herself but her work ethic is strong. Her friends tend to be those on the outskirts that are often overlooked. She has confidently joined another youth group on Wednesday nights that better speaks to her heart while holding onto her ties to the youth group at our church. My girl brings tears to my eyes with her genuine love of people. She is a world changer that continues to grow in her relationship with the Lord and it tends to pour out in the way she loves those around her.

 

My Love and I will be celebrating 14 years of marriage next month. This man I married is as solid as they come but gentle with our hearts. He has worked ridiculous hours and yet his moments of peace he spent investing in his family. I could not be prouder of his leadership at work and the way he daily walks with integrity. He is a lover of Jesus and is sensitive to leading his family well. Marriage with this man has not been hard….life has been hard. God continues to give us what we need and new mercies each day to face the daily onslaught of this world. I love walking through life beside this man. Choosing each other daily is both deliberate and rewarding. The best part of each day is when he walks through our front door. Our prayer is that our marriage and family is a direct reflection of God’s redemption power. We have never aspired to change the world but just to be intentional in our relationships God called us to. I recently shared with a friend that we can never model perfection because we are imperfect. God has not called us to live a life of perfection before others. Instead, he gives us the power to make the right choices and grace when we fail. I want to fail well…I want others to see Jesus’s forgiveness when I fall flat on my face. I want them to see humility in my response and I want to see that I continue to choose hard things so my Father can be glorified.

 

This year has changed me, it has grown me, it has exhausted me, it has encouraged me and as we wind down to the end, I can honestly say, “This was a good year.” It was hard but oh friends, God was with us. He never ceased to be good. As I tell Adi every day, God is good and wants goodness for us. It is our responsibility to see the goodness amongst the hard. If my relationships with my heavenly Father, my sweet family, and my friends has grown deeper, then it has been good.

 

Isaiah 40:31 “…but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.” 

Loss...

Adi has had a rough week. We are working through our second week of fall break and each day he whines, tries to control, and demands. In most children, parents would chalk this up to just a kid being off their schedule. Our boy is more complicated than that. We have watched him each day, lash out at his sister. Tell her things like, “Anna Bet can’t ride in the car. Go away Anna Bet. I don’t want you.” He has physically attacked her. He has thrown things. I have had to sit at the table and spoon feed him as he cried his way through dinner. We have had to do extra snuggles in the bed, extra patience and lots of grace.

 

You see, this week Adi had someone else leave him. They had no idea this would affect him this way and they could not even allow this to affect their decision. The Director of his afterschool program took another position. Adi loved her…and she left him. By the age of 6, most kids are used to changing teachers in preschools, having people rotate in and out of their lives but for Adi, this is personal. He had the most central figures in his life leave him. They made a hard decision because they believed it was best for Adi but it does not change the brokenness left behind.

 

While it may seem that our son has adjusted and moved on with his life, he has not forgotten the pain. He still wears it as he walks through his day. He does not trust people in his life. He asks the same questions over and over to make sure you have not forgotten. Every time we make a promise to him and follow through, he allows a little more of his heart to be exposed. Every time one of us fails to follow through…damage is done that will have to be mended.

 

Last night was rough…Adi broke Anna Beth’s heart more than once but her response was one of grace. Brian and I were talking about why this week has been so hard on Adi and we listened as Anna Beth moved from being hurt to once again putting herself in the line of fire. She had listened to us talk…she understood that this was not about her but about his pain. She walked back into the fire, ready and willing to be hurt again because she loved her brother more than herself. I sat on the couch listening and crying. My girl sought her brother out and  demonstrated the redeeming love of Jesus to him. She portrayed forgiveness, unlimited grace, and unconditional love.

 

This road of brokenness through adoption is never ending. It is daily being aware of what is at stake. It takes all three of us loving without limits. This is not just about making Adi feel safe….this is about Adi finding Jesus. His very life is on the line and when it gets hard, and we are weary, we stop and remember the consequences. I cannot help but think of my Savior during these times. He was God in human form. He was prone to exhaustion, humanness, and temptation but each day he loved with abandon. He kept walking into the fire out of deep love for us. He worked so hard developing relationships of trust so that his followers would be free. We, as humans can never love that deeply because we are flawed but how much would our responses change when we see it in light of salvation. Would we be careful with our promises? Would we walk each day in integrity as though someone’s very eternal life depends on our witness? Would we start investing time and effort into those hard work relationships? Would we sacrifice more because our eyes were open to the hearts at stake?

 

The brokenness of adoption, the loss I hear in my son’s voice, the loss I see in the texts from birth parents…it has driven me deeper. It has changed the way I view the people around me. I fail daily. I give into my selfish frustrations but I am also seeing people more. I am taking more chances. I am showing more grace. I am slowly moving out of my comfort zone of hiding behind my introvert label. I talk to the parent on the playground and share our story when they are curious. I don’t hold back from saying the name Jesus because I have nothing to lose and that person has everything to gain. I have seen our broken, messy life as a platform to talk about the one that has changed me, my family, and others.

 

Loss is painful but it is a door to beautiful. Without loss, there is no NEED.

Guarding Hearts In Adoption

Most of you know that we have an unusually open adoption. We mutually agreed to be open and transparent between the two couples. It was a great idea in theory but as reality unfolded, I realized the layers of emotions involved. I have discovered that the relationship between birth parents and adopted parents changes and evolves over time. There is no cookies cutter formula to this relationship.

 

Our relationship started in October 2015. We were all guarded and on edge. Expectations were not spoken outwardly but they were high on both sides. We were fearful of rejection and they were fearful of making a wrong decision. After placement in May 2016 there was anger, confusion and grief on their parts. They had expectations that we would parent the same as they had even though they knew in their hearts that it was not the right choice for our family. We found ourselves circling the wagons to protect Adi but also I found myself carrying the weight of their grief. I shed many tears over their broken hearts. I found myself protecting them from knowing the truth of Adi’s anger and grief. About how it affected his interactions and development. I had to hide truth from them to protect them from carrying an even heavier burden of guilt. Most of their interaction was between birth mom and myself. It was many times harsh, accusatory, and insulting. God walked me through some very long , dark days of grief.

 

Depression and guilt walked with me daily for months. I watched for weeks on end  as Adi rejected me. He punished me for taking “her” place. I listened as birth mom laid her grief at my door. I refused to tell her how hard this was for our son. Her heart could not handle it and I believed God would/was enabling me to carry it for both of them. The amazing thing about leaning into Jesus…He carries the heavy stuff. He puts people in your path to encourage you. He is HOPE. At this time, our birth parents don’t have that HOPE although we pray they will one day see the gift that could so easily be theirs.

 

God has used time to soften hearts and heal wounds. We recently had an almost 2 hour facetime session with our birth parents. It had been right around a year since we had seen their faces. Since we looked into each other’s eyes and spoke truth. We all text on a fairly consistent basis but even those conversations have changed. Birth mom and I had even had phone calls occasionally and we email updates monthly…but this was different. There was nowhere to hide from the emotion when you are staring each other down. It was beautifully hard and all of us walked away from that call exhausted but rejoicing.

 

Birth mom had requested a phone call with me around Adi’s birthday. She needed time to catch up, ask questions on his development and hear my momma’s heart. Instead I suggested we facetime and get the dad’s involved. Their hearts needed the exchange as much as ours. The night of the call we planned for Adi to hang with his sister downstairs. He fought me on it till I told him who we were going to be talking to and he headed right down. He is no longer angry but neither is he ready to see them, interact with them, and give them what they long for. I pray often that he will one day be ready to extend grace and forgiveness. He must first understand that God has done that for him.

 

That conversation between the four of us was healing. We finally could share Adi’s grief with them and they could face the truth. They could own and acknowledge the brokenness in all of this. They could also see how God is making things new. They recognized and acknowledged that Adi is changing, growing, and advancing beyond where they thought he would be now. They could see and commented on how happy he is which they had not really seen in him before. There was a moment in that conversation when I realized that we now know their son more intimately than they do. That for them, Adi is stuck in time. He still feels like that little 4 ½ year old that they left in our care over a year ago.

 

As we wound down our call, we had a tour of their new home. A home in which they will continue to move forward and heal. We rejoiced with them and celebrated the good they are embracing. As Brian and I hung up, we both talked about how much we craved for the time when we can unite them all again. When Adi will be ready to see them and it will not harm or disrupt his development. We hope for the day that they can see Adi as God’s perfect design. Our relationship has moved from being hard and painful to sharing recipes, gardening tips, and laughing over Adi’s antics. Only God can do that. Only God can heal broken and breathe new life into it. Not only that but He delights in the laughter in our home. He celebrates with us as we see another goal accomplished. Something as small as being able to completely dress himself to watching our children giggle and play, HE delights in. Sometimes I imagine my heavenly Father sitting on his throne, belly laughing with joy at the happiness in our home.  It is not perfect. Our home is and life is often messy and full of mistakes but it is God’s.

 

The further we are from that painful day, (the day after mother’s day), when we signed some papers, I see more goodness than hard. I recently ran across something that reminded me of our adoption. The Japanese used to repair their broken art with gold. They viewed it as having even more beauty once broken and repaired than when it was in its original state. Oh how our Father must view us the same! The more broken we are, the more beauty he sees! We run from pain but God just wants us to lean into it and see the beauty it creates.