Loss...

Adi has had a rough week. We are working through our second week of fall break and each day he whines, tries to control, and demands. In most children, parents would chalk this up to just a kid being off their schedule. Our boy is more complicated than that. We have watched him each day, lash out at his sister. Tell her things like, “Anna Bet can’t ride in the car. Go away Anna Bet. I don’t want you.” He has physically attacked her. He has thrown things. I have had to sit at the table and spoon feed him as he cried his way through dinner. We have had to do extra snuggles in the bed, extra patience and lots of grace.

 

You see, this week Adi had someone else leave him. They had no idea this would affect him this way and they could not even allow this to affect their decision. The Director of his afterschool program took another position. Adi loved her…and she left him. By the age of 6, most kids are used to changing teachers in preschools, having people rotate in and out of their lives but for Adi, this is personal. He had the most central figures in his life leave him. They made a hard decision because they believed it was best for Adi but it does not change the brokenness left behind.

 

While it may seem that our son has adjusted and moved on with his life, he has not forgotten the pain. He still wears it as he walks through his day. He does not trust people in his life. He asks the same questions over and over to make sure you have not forgotten. Every time we make a promise to him and follow through, he allows a little more of his heart to be exposed. Every time one of us fails to follow through…damage is done that will have to be mended.

 

Last night was rough…Adi broke Anna Beth’s heart more than once but her response was one of grace. Brian and I were talking about why this week has been so hard on Adi and we listened as Anna Beth moved from being hurt to once again putting herself in the line of fire. She had listened to us talk…she understood that this was not about her but about his pain. She walked back into the fire, ready and willing to be hurt again because she loved her brother more than herself. I sat on the couch listening and crying. My girl sought her brother out and  demonstrated the redeeming love of Jesus to him. She portrayed forgiveness, unlimited grace, and unconditional love.

 

This road of brokenness through adoption is never ending. It is daily being aware of what is at stake. It takes all three of us loving without limits. This is not just about making Adi feel safe….this is about Adi finding Jesus. His very life is on the line and when it gets hard, and we are weary, we stop and remember the consequences. I cannot help but think of my Savior during these times. He was God in human form. He was prone to exhaustion, humanness, and temptation but each day he loved with abandon. He kept walking into the fire out of deep love for us. He worked so hard developing relationships of trust so that his followers would be free. We, as humans can never love that deeply because we are flawed but how much would our responses change when we see it in light of salvation. Would we be careful with our promises? Would we walk each day in integrity as though someone’s very eternal life depends on our witness? Would we start investing time and effort into those hard work relationships? Would we sacrifice more because our eyes were open to the hearts at stake?

 

The brokenness of adoption, the loss I hear in my son’s voice, the loss I see in the texts from birth parents…it has driven me deeper. It has changed the way I view the people around me. I fail daily. I give into my selfish frustrations but I am also seeing people more. I am taking more chances. I am showing more grace. I am slowly moving out of my comfort zone of hiding behind my introvert label. I talk to the parent on the playground and share our story when they are curious. I don’t hold back from saying the name Jesus because I have nothing to lose and that person has everything to gain. I have seen our broken, messy life as a platform to talk about the one that has changed me, my family, and others.

 

Loss is painful but it is a door to beautiful. Without loss, there is no NEED.