One year ago today I sat in a little curtained room with Brian for the very last time. After a 5 hour IV drip that pumped poison in my body, I walked away and was from that point forward a survivor. I am not going to lie, this anniversary has been very emotional for me. Who am I kidding…I am a drama filled, weeping , blubbery mess! However, it is not out of sadness for what took place in the past but out of a grateful heart.
My little family is so very different than we were a year ago. My little girl is about to turn 7 and this year she is charging through life taking no prisoners. She is very different from the timid, fearful little creature that was always attached to my lap last year. Anna Beth still asks questions and talks about it around once a week to let me know it is still very much on her mind. The difference… she states it as a fact, something in her past that affected her but no longer controls her. She is more compassionate towards others around her and she talks about God in an intimate way that tells me she has a real relationship with Him.
Brian, I watched slowly exhale as each step of the cancer process came to a close. After the last surgery, when I went back to work full-time and after the last bill was paid. He still hovers some but we are once again equal partners in all things regarding chores around the house. The difference…our conversations are about the future and not the past. They are about how God is working in our lives and not about how we are surviving day to day. And yes, there are a lot of conversations from all 3 of us about the adoption process we are currently walking through and what our little family will look like in the future.
For me, I am still a little weak, still a little tired and have a decent amount of hair on the top of my head which erases the signs that cancer was a huge part of my life one year ago. I have moved forward with gusto and have probably taken on too much since stepping back into the land of the living. I have been hesitant to take on the “survivor” role as many others before me have. There are several reasons for that. One, I did not want cancer to define me or make me special, it was simply something God used to grow me. Two, for my daughter’s sake, we needed to move past it. Three, I do not feel called to lead the charge in making people aware of breast cancer. There are people that God uses in that role but it is not for me. The difference…(Besides laying on the couch for days on end) I value things differently now than I once did and am more aware of the little moments. I have found beauty in the ashes and am looking with bright hope towards the future.
We have moved forward and occasionally look back to remember and thank God for what He has done. We have never asked God why and He has never offered an answer. My little family is scarred but not broken and are stronger in our faith and as a unit. We are also fully aware that we were surrounded at all times by faithful friends and family that supported us in prayer, spirit and many times, in body. As a fellow survivor recently stated…We rejoice today and celebrate what God has done but know that we would have celebrated and rejoiced in God no matter the outcome. He is faithful at all times and never ceases to be good!
