Post OP

So it has been 2 weeks today since my mastectomy and there have been many highs and lows. I had alot of fears the week before surgery but by the time the day actually arrived God had given me a peace beyond understanding. Brian and I spent that morning together laughing, talking and praying together. Not one tear was shed because we knew God was present. The first person that I wanted to see after surgery was Brian. I needed to see his eyes and know that he still loved the person that I was.

The next morning, the doctor came in to remove the bandages...that was the moment that I was most scared of and had been dreading. Brian was watching closely as each layer came off and I was watching him. As soon as the scars were revealed, my sweet husband grinned from ear to ear, looked up at me and said, "It looks really good baby!" I could not stop the tears in my eyes. God could not have given me a better mate to stand by my side as I walked this road.

My surgeon had done a biopsy on 3 lymph nodes during surgery and she did not believe that the cancer had spread at that point. Of course the nodes had to be sent off to pathology to receive a full clearance. The Tuesday after surgery, I received a call that I was not expecting. They had found cancer in one of the nodes and believed that they would more than likely have to go back in and remove them. This meant another surgery and I was not prepared for that. They have since decided to treat with extra chemo but that day was probably the lowest day I have had since the this whole process had began. I sobbed the entire day. Not out of anger but just deep sadness. I gave into my grief that day and showed my weakness. Out of our weakness God's strength is revealed. I had pinned my hope on a Dr's opinion rather than in my Lord.

"Out of depths I cry to you, O Lord; O Lord you hear my voice. Let your ears be attentive to my cry for mercy. If you O Lord, kept a record of sins, O Lord, who could stand? But with you there is forgiveness; therefore you are feared. I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope. My soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen wait for the morning, more than watchmen wait for the morning. O Israel, put your hope in the Lord, for with unfailing love and with him is full redemption." -Psalm 130

Each day I have to remind myself that my Dr's in all this are just watchmen, not my hope. My hope rests in my Father's arms. God has created all things and knows all things. I forget that often in my humanness but God is a God of mercy and forgives my lack of faith. He gently reminds me of my need for Him and opens His arms to welcome me home.

Each day that I am frustrated because I am not progressing as fast as I think that I should is my opportunity to develop my dependence on God. Each time I break down in tears is my opportunity to seek comfort in my God. Each report that comes back with a disappointing result is my opportunity to grow my faith in God. I have failed and will continue to fail in these things but again it is another opportunity to experience God's grace. Cancer is not a disease to destroy me but an opportunity to see God glorified! What a perfect gift from Him.