Let’s talk marriage for a moment…sometimes it sails along and is all butterflies and champagne. Then there is the other 98% of the year (and I am being generous here) that is aching backs with gum stuck to our shoes. Now I love my husband and he is absolutely the perfect mate for me but sometimes we just forget to be gracious to each other. In the mornings, clothes are flying from one end of the house to the other, the kitchen counter is lined with lunch boxes, momma is singing out words of encouragement while daddy is wiping tooth paste from faces and hunting for lost shoes. Everyone races to the door yelling out love for one another amongst hugs, kisses and prayers. Momma and daddy text each other letting each one know that the children are safe in their respective places and then we walk into work all smiles. Each spouse going about their days, being kind and gracious to the loud talker in the neighboring cube, facing hectic meetings, full of stress with much grace. We arrive home and show as much patience as we can muster to our dear children that are exhausted and just don’t want to write that last sentence of homework or eat that last bite of dinner. Seriously, can we get through one dinner without one child not sitting stone faced or with tears and snot running down their faces? With quiet gentleness, or quiet rage as they drag out bedtime for 45 minutes, we cuddle the kids, read to them, pray over them and then put them to bed. Each spouse stumbles to the couch in stained up clothes, hair all askew and collapses, looks at one another and grabs their phone to decompress from the chaos of the day. I am not sure about you but at this point, I am just punchy. I am done being nice and no matter the question; I can meet it with the perfect eye roll and whine. This is my cut off for please and thank you. It is just, “Give me and…you should.”
At the time of the day when I have my Love all to myself for the first time in 24 hours and I cannot muster the energy to validate him and my need for him. In reality, it is not that I can’t, it is just that this would require me to keep extending grace, and to not be selfish. For me, I have found that being intentional to love my spouse does not start at the end of the day, when the kids are in bed and I am curled in the corner of the couch wearing layers of clothing, a blanket and am prepared with, “I need to get up and wash the dishes piled in the sink.” If he dares to inch to my side of the couch. It starts at the beginning of the day, sometimes even the night before as I am lying in bed and confessing my selfishness to Jesus. It is an intentional approach to plan my day with my spouse’s needs in mind. If you will, I mentally pencil time for my spouse on my calendar and follow through. It is an email in the morning, reminding him that I am thinking of him and that he is important to me. It is a text at lunch to ask him how his day is going. It is me, planning that when the last kid is asleep, I will set my phone down, turn to my husband and talk to him. Love him and let him know that he is not leftovers. Sometimes it is even coming home, going to the bedroom, closing the door and pretending that the tiny little fists on the other side don’t exist as I focus on my husband.
My husband chooses me each and every day and I need to do the same. Does he get that I need space some nights and to just veg on the couch, that my introvert self is completely drained of peopley moments some times? Trust me… he gets it. BUT he also needs to know that I find him valuable. That at the start, during, and at the end of each gum on the bottom of the shoe day, I WANT him in my life. That I want to hear of his heart and also share mine.
Here is the kicker; over 12 years ago I was skipping down the aisle of some church, radiant in a gown of white, declaring my covenant commitment to this man. I was all clean and pretty, had less fat and more makeup. He was all attentive and failing over himself to meet my every need. Then we came home from the honeymoon to discover that life was full of football (seriously, we had a whirlwind courtship in the off season and I had no idea of the level of football that was about to invade my life), a baby, job losses, medical crisis’s, moving furniture from house to house, bills, an adoption, etc. This does not mean that I get to tell my husband that I will get back to him when all the hard stuff is over. This means that I have to daily choose him, just as he chooses me. It means that I read less books and watch less TV because I promised God to love this man and serve him all my days. I forget sometimes and my husband quietly, sometimes patiently waits for me to be reminded that he is important. Some days it is sweet love notes left in each other’s car and same days it means laughing at each other as we scrape the gum off the bottom of each other’s shoe.
For a lifetime I have him and I want to be faithful to appreciate that daily commitment my husband makes to me. I do not always do this well but I try to acknowledge to him that I am aware of his need for time and let him know that I will make the time. Maybe not in that moment, and maybe not even that day but I SEE you Love. I see you through the tired, puffy eyes. I know that you washed those clothes and cleaned that toilet because you were showing me love. So I will change my comfortable old shirt covered in paint, grease stains and laden with holes…I will put on some lip gloss and meet you on the couch for a soul sharing time. We will sacrifice a little sleep and be gracious with our words for a little longer tonight because marriage is important.
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