Last night at dinner, I was watching and interacting with my little family. It has been almost 4 months of being a family of 4 and sometimes Brian and I take for granted how much has changed in those 4 months. We are basically in a routine and everyone, for the most part has adjusted and integrated into our roles. We contentedly march along and then we suddenly get smacked in the face with a painful trigger. Some of our family had come to town a little over a week ago and stayed in a hotel. Brian took the kids over to swim in the hotel pool and visit. Adi fell apart. It was the first time he had been in a hotel since we traveled to New Jersey to bring him home. He was overcome with fear that we would abandon him and it has set off a series of triggers for over a week now.
Brian and I realized that the worst thing we could do, would be to change our schedule and cater to his fears so we have kept up our schedules of school, activities and church. Everywhere we go, he asks if we are coming back to get him. We discuss it before, after and each time we pick him up, the smile that covers his face breaks my heart. I understand that smile comes from the relief that mommy and daddy did not abandon him. One moment he is crying and the next he is angry and abusive.
It is exhausting to face those ups and downs and no, we do not always respond the right way. There were times this weekend that I was so weary of watching my little boy attack Anna Beth that I would grow angry. Not really angry at Adi but angry at the brokenness that has caused such fear and grief. I also saw hope in those moments of deep hurt. Adi has begun to pray when he gets upset. He will stop, with tears in his eyes, his fists clinched, and just start thanking Jesus for everything. He may thank God for Kindergarten, doors, his snack, etc but he is turning his anger into a list of things to be grateful for. Brian and I have, from the moment we brought him home, prayed over him when he is scared, upset and angry. We talk to Jesus as though he is right there with us and ask God to calm Adi, to let him know that Jesus loves him and will protect him. We thank Jesus for our family, for how he is with us at all times and how he made us special. Last night, out of the blue, Adi said, “Mommy, pray with me” and so I did. He sat in the floor with his hands clasped, eyes wide open and listened to me pray, interrupting at times to tell me something else to pray for and it was precious.
God is making himself real to Adi. Despite autism and the limitations society places on this diagnosis, Adi is learning that Jesus loves him. Our God has no barriers to revealing his presence. Someday I fully believe that God will break through and Adi will understand the degree to which Jesus was willing to sacrifice for him. The layers of paperwork, home visits, waiting and grief are so that Adi can learn of Jesus deep devotion to him.
We are careful to not make promises without follow through, we are careful to keep schedules and offer constant assurances. We are adjusting to a life of deep grief and abundant joy. The work is hard, the rewards are too numerous to count but we try. I am a grateful momma that has seen God surround my little ones with people that point them to Jesus. I am grateful for a church that has supported, prayed over and embraced our family. I am grateful for our family that has accepted our choice for adoption and jumped in to love with Adi abandon.
If you think of it, we are traveling with Adi for the first time this weekend. We are preparing him as much as we are able but we will be staying in a hotel. This is likely to cause some fear but this trip, in the end, will also gain trust. Pray for Adi’s heart to feel safe, that he will learn to trust our commitment to him. That we, as his parents and sister, will continue to love him through this hard, to point him to Jesus when he is unsure. We love our little guy with the broken story and big brown eyes. We are stunned each day to be entrusted with his heart.
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