There are nights Brian and I lie in bed with a cute little boy snuggled between us and we are stunned. It has been 3 long, exhausting months. As hard as the days and nights are, they are easy compared to the wait to get here. As much as we trusted God when we paid fees, filled out paperwork, went through the process of interviews and updates year after year, we are still stunned. We never expected this…this precious little boy that has filled our hearts and broken them at the same time.
You have seen the pictures on social media. The pictures of couples with chalk boards, balloons, and baby shoes, declaring their intention to adopt. They are sentimental and they get us all feely and cheered up about someone doing something good in this world. You see them raising money and blasting their excitement all over the place. You may even see some of them preparing baby rooms and making plans. Slowly you hear about it less and less and then it just gets quiet. Let me tell you what is happening behind their perfectly painted door…they are grieving. Many of them have gone through years of infertility that walked them down a long path of dying to a dream.
You see, one day they got married, had the perfect wedding, waited the appropriate amount of time and then started trying to have that baby everyone was always asking about. They realized it was taking too long so they changed the way they ate, they tried all these holistic methods, they went to doctors but the reality is… God’s plans are not our plans. Sometimes He says no to our dreams. Sometimes he directs our path differently than we expected. Everyone asking them about when they are going to start that perfect little family just makes it hurt all over again. Then one day, that same sweet couple, after walking through the hard of that grief, hear God calling them to adopt. It seems like the perfect solution and they would be affecting the life of a child who might never know of our heavenly Father otherwise. They get all excited about the possibilities, they go to meetings with agencies, they make plans, they pay fees and they fill out paperwork. They fill out more paperwork then you can possibly imagine! They may even write a letter to that sweet birth momma they have started praying over and then they go home and wait…
At first the wait is fun. You make plans, you talk about what you think it will be like. You lay together in bed at night picking out names and praying over your baby. You start networking with other couples adopting and start attending support groups. Months go by and you see some of those new friends posting pictures of their babies on Facebook and Instagram. They are talking about the wonder of adoption and how perfect and amazing it all is. You sit behind that computer and feel the tug of hurt that a birth momma has not picked you. A year rolls by and your hope starts to fade. You weep in grief once again, wondering if you really heard God’s call to adopt or if you were just trying to come up with a solution. You talk about it with your spouse but they don’t know how to express their confusion and grief over this newest hurt either. Sometimes you pray about it together and sometimes you hurt alone, afraid to talk about it, so that you won’t bring up the pain to your mate and make them hurt too. The agency calls and says it is time to do an annual update to the home-study. You go through the motions and it renews the hope for a while longer but the months keep rolling by and you realize that you can no longer wait to go on vacation. You can’t save up that vacation time for a maternity leave that may never happen. People stop asking how the adoption process is going. People that do remember and ask bring up the hurt all over again. You are grateful they care but you feel the isolation creeping in.
For us, we did have that one child and were content. Or at least that is what we kept telling ourselves. We did long for a child God whispered on our hearts. We did lie in bed, praying together, questioning God and grieving the loss of a child we had never held. From start to finish, it was 4 long years of waiting, 3 years of officially being on a list. Those years were isolating as it felt as though God said do this and then snatched that dream back. God was there, he was quietly putting together our family of 4 in a way we never dreamed and during that time, he softened our hearts towards an adoption we would have said no to in the beginning.
That wait is painful my friends but there is purpose in it. That purpose for us is in the form of the cutest, funniest, high maintenance, little brown boy you have ever seen. Our nights are different now and we still grieve, just for a different reason. We grieve for the broken story that brought our family to completion. We pray over his heart and the hearts of his birth parents. The birth parents that were brave enough to let go when they realized he needed more. We grieve for the hard that is sure to come, in the future as he grows and realizes his story is different. We grieve for the hard moments for our birth parents as they face the reality of signing those papers.
We celebrate too…we celebrate the first time he prayed, the first time he asked to read his Bible for bedtime routine. We celebrated the first birthday with a huge family party and a cake the size of Texas. Our hearts smiled the first time he told us he loved us and called us mommy, daddy and sister. We celebrate what God did to make us a family.
So…if you see that precious couple posting pictures and announcements on social media about their dreams of adoption, please pray for them. Many have grieved deeply to even be ready for this moment and they have more grief to come. Even those that have a picture perfect baby placed in their arms, will face years of grief and hard in the future as they walk their child through their broken and beautiful story!
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