"No More Mommy!"

Ok, so yesterday I reached the point that I was just tired of being a Mommy! There, I said it!~ I am being as honest and raw as I can be. Anna Beth has just been having a really difficult few weeks and I am emotionally drained. There is so much guilt that goes along with knowing that I am in this place. She needs me so much but I need a break from being needed! It does not help that Brian and I have not had an evening away from her since the middle of June. I love her dearly but I just grow weary of all the battles. She doesn't want to go to Sunday School, or preschool or get dressed, or does not want to wear one of the 3 outfits that I picked for her to choose from. She wants mac and cheese but not on that plate, she does not want that cup but this one, it goes on and on....

I called Brian yesterday and told him that I was coming to his Upwards Flag Football practice because I did not want to be alone with her anymore! Tears were pouring down my face all the way to the football field and I was praying and asking God what more can I do to help her through this? I want to raise her with love, discipline and Jesus being the reason we make good choices. There are times that I just want to throw in the towel because of the work that goes with that. I know that I can't because I know the lifelong consequences of that choice but there are days that even prayer do not seem enough! At the football field were other mothers from our church that dared to ask me how I was doing and I was blunt. I was instantly encouraged as they began to tell me that they had all been through the same thing and there was an end to this. The guilt over feeling this way was lifted and I was allowed to feel hurt and sad.

After talking through this with Brian last night, we started to realize some of the fears that Anna Beth is going through right now. A few weeks ago, we put our house on the market and began the conversation about moving with her so she could be mentally prepared. (Anna Beth needs plans to feel safe) In the process of preparing the house to sell, we decided to move Anna Beth's cat to my sister's house so we would not have to deal with the pet issues in selling the house. We knew that Anna Beth would have a little trouble with this but I do not think that we realized just how much. Anna Beth thinks of Bootsie as part of the family. When she talks about her family, it is mommy, daddy, Anna Beth and Bootsie. There is no distinction that Bootsie is a cat! She also started back to preschool around the same time, started dance classes and has no understanding of what moving entails. She has this great fear that we are going to leave her right now and I think that in her little mind, if we would leave Bootsie, why would we not leave her? She has also been every unsure of leaving anything behind. As we talked, my heart just began to hurt for her as I realized what we have asked of her in the last few weeks. Anna Beth's greatest fear is being separated from us!

I really do not how to ease her fears except to constantly reassure her that we would never leave her where it was not safe and we will always come back for her. Walking through that conversation did not change the circumstances that we are going through with Anna Beth right now but it has made me more compassionate towards her. Discipline is an even greater responsibility right now because there is safety in boundaries. Right now it is important for her to have that picture of the cat on the fridge even though I am trying to keep things clean. So much of me wants to be selfish and walk away from the frustration of the moment but I know that God will allow that time later and right now He has asked me to give more of myself than I think able because He wants my dependence on Him!