A Child's Faith

Yes, it has been a long time since I have been on here. We have had alot going on! Since my last blog, we have sold our house, moved and bought the same house twice. Long story and not a fun one but it is over and we are no longer squatters so all is good. We are in the process of having new wood floors and tile put in downstairs, painting the entire house and still trying to unpack. Just so you are aware, in case you were wondering, concrete floors are cold, very dirty and not recommended! lol

Anna Beth completely relaxed after we made the move and seems to have settled, She has gotten over the separation issues and has been taking life by storm once again. We have enjoyed a more peaceful Anna Beth although it is never completely calm when she is around. Drama is common with her but more manageable now that we are in our house.

Brian and I have been focusing on Obedience with Anna Beth lately and making her aware of the people that she hurts when she disobeys. Some of you will recognize this definition... Obedience is doing WHAT I'm told to do, WHEN I'm told to do it, WITH a happy heart. Anna Beth can quote it by heart and I use it just about every time we have a "moment." She has been more aware of whom her actions are affecting, especially Jesus. About 2 weeks ago, I was filling up the car and Anna Beth had been quoting the pledge of allegiance for about 20 minutes so I had begun to tune her out. All of the sudden she said, "Mommy, Jesus lives in my heart!" I said, "yes, Jesus can live in your heart if you ask Him to come live in your heart and forgive you for your disobedience." (We have not used the word "sin" yet so I had to break it down) I have not heard any other comments from her on this subject until October 30th. I was putting Anna Beth to bed, which is unusual in our home, and Anna Beth and I were having prayer time. She interrupted me and said, "Mommy, I asked Jesus in my heart" "You did?" I asked. "Where is he now?" "He's in my heart" said Anna Beth. I talked to her about the fact that Jesus cannot live in the same place where there is sin and then I went through what sin was with her. She agreed and stated that Jesus did live in her heart. We went on with our prayer time and thanked Jesus for living in her heart.

I got up from the bed and went and shared with Daddy what had happened and we both came to a realization. Salvation does not have to be a complicated process. I had always pictured having a conversation with Anna Beth in front of an open Bible and kneeling down and praying. For her, this was not important. At 3 years old, she understands that Jesus is real, she loves Him, He loves her and that He wants to have a relationship with her. Simple! I know that in time, she will come to understand on a greater level but right now she has faith that is bigger than even Brian and I can understand. God is more real to her at 3 than He is to us in many ways. She considers Him through-out her day when, as adults, we often schedule time to think about Him.

There will come a time that Anna Beth will realize the depth of God's love for her and how He expressed that through the death of His son Jesus. For now, I believe that my child has Jesus in her heart because she states this to me with authority. I am a very grateful Mommy. Grateful that God has made Himself so real to my little girl, that she believes in Him at a very young age, grateful that I am able to hear her strong faith and grateful to be the mommy of such a special little girl!

"No More Mommy!"

Ok, so yesterday I reached the point that I was just tired of being a Mommy! There, I said it!~ I am being as honest and raw as I can be. Anna Beth has just been having a really difficult few weeks and I am emotionally drained. There is so much guilt that goes along with knowing that I am in this place. She needs me so much but I need a break from being needed! It does not help that Brian and I have not had an evening away from her since the middle of June. I love her dearly but I just grow weary of all the battles. She doesn't want to go to Sunday School, or preschool or get dressed, or does not want to wear one of the 3 outfits that I picked for her to choose from. She wants mac and cheese but not on that plate, she does not want that cup but this one, it goes on and on....

I called Brian yesterday and told him that I was coming to his Upwards Flag Football practice because I did not want to be alone with her anymore! Tears were pouring down my face all the way to the football field and I was praying and asking God what more can I do to help her through this? I want to raise her with love, discipline and Jesus being the reason we make good choices. There are times that I just want to throw in the towel because of the work that goes with that. I know that I can't because I know the lifelong consequences of that choice but there are days that even prayer do not seem enough! At the football field were other mothers from our church that dared to ask me how I was doing and I was blunt. I was instantly encouraged as they began to tell me that they had all been through the same thing and there was an end to this. The guilt over feeling this way was lifted and I was allowed to feel hurt and sad.

After talking through this with Brian last night, we started to realize some of the fears that Anna Beth is going through right now. A few weeks ago, we put our house on the market and began the conversation about moving with her so she could be mentally prepared. (Anna Beth needs plans to feel safe) In the process of preparing the house to sell, we decided to move Anna Beth's cat to my sister's house so we would not have to deal with the pet issues in selling the house. We knew that Anna Beth would have a little trouble with this but I do not think that we realized just how much. Anna Beth thinks of Bootsie as part of the family. When she talks about her family, it is mommy, daddy, Anna Beth and Bootsie. There is no distinction that Bootsie is a cat! She also started back to preschool around the same time, started dance classes and has no understanding of what moving entails. She has this great fear that we are going to leave her right now and I think that in her little mind, if we would leave Bootsie, why would we not leave her? She has also been every unsure of leaving anything behind. As we talked, my heart just began to hurt for her as I realized what we have asked of her in the last few weeks. Anna Beth's greatest fear is being separated from us!

I really do not how to ease her fears except to constantly reassure her that we would never leave her where it was not safe and we will always come back for her. Walking through that conversation did not change the circumstances that we are going through with Anna Beth right now but it has made me more compassionate towards her. Discipline is an even greater responsibility right now because there is safety in boundaries. Right now it is important for her to have that picture of the cat on the fridge even though I am trying to keep things clean. So much of me wants to be selfish and walk away from the frustration of the moment but I know that God will allow that time later and right now He has asked me to give more of myself than I think able because He wants my dependence on Him!

How's the Teeth?

Anna Beth had her first dentist appointment today! We had been talking it up big for the last few days and preparing her for the noises and things that she would see so she was excited and thought that this was a really big girl thing to do. I woke her up and the first thing that she said was, "Is it time to go to the dentist?" We had trouble with the wardrobe as she wanted to dress up in Sunday clothes and we finally agreed to a simple Sunday dress and flip flops. She would not however wear panties as she had no Hello Kitty ones clean so we settled on her wearing a pull-up. I as a little surprised at this decision as she has not wanted to wear pull-ups in several months but I went with it to keep the peace and move on. We arrived at the dentist office with camera in tow for Daddy to see later. Her hygienist was wonderful with her. Anna Beth began to talk as soon as she left to go get the dentist to check her teeth. "Mommy, my dentist has a sink and my dentist has a TV in the ceiling and my dentist has..." This went one until she arrived back! lol Poor thing had a sad report on her teeth as she has chipped every front tooth that she has, in fact one of them is loose. We brush her teeth twice a day but she still has a few stains from the chips that she has developed over the last 3 years. No cavities that they could find but my poor dear is just clumsy and will have to deal with the result of this until her teeth fall out and she can start over. Anna Beth's gums were actually bruised as she had run into a door handle last night and we think that this is what made her "orange tooth" (as she calls it, it is stained) loose. The dentist actually mentioned fixing the offending tooth but I really see no reason for it unless Anna Beth gets really self-conscious.

Brian and I have been a bit amazed lately at how much Anna Beth has changed in the last couple of weeks. It is like she is on a quest to learn at least 100 new things each day and she will not be quiet until she figures it all out. Yet she still sounds so young at the same time. Marsh mellows are still smarchmellows and hic-ups are still make-ups but at the same time she asks the really deep questions. She has really in been into figuring out the differences between girls and boys and even her and I. Some of the stuff she has said sends us into real giggles. Below is a few of the conversations that we have had lately...

"Mommy, why does Daddy have 2 bottoms and we only have 1?"

"Mommy, (as she is looking at her chest) my boobs don't lift up!"

"Mommy, I have hair growing on my arms"

"Mommy, Daddy has hair on his belly but we don't... that's funny!"

"Mommy, do you remember that black lady?" said Anna Beth. "What black lady?" I asked(I was a little surprised by this statement as we have never referred to anyone by their skin color before.) "You know, she had black hair" Now it all made sense to me! LOL

Anna Beth on the phone with Daddy... "Daddy, I not cry today." This was not true so I heard Brian telling her that this is not what Mommy said so Anna Beth said, " I know but after I stop crying I not cry again all day!"

Anna Beth in the bathtub with her water babies was heard saying... "What did you do? That was not a good choice! Ok that's all right.... You did a great job!"

Daddy and Anna Beth were coloring together "Daddy, you did a great job!" (She has always been a great encourager and sharer)

"Mommy you are beautiful and I love you!"

"Daddy, Mommy and me, we are a family! I love my family!"

"Jesus, I sorry for not listening to Daddy"

We have also been going through a real separation anxiety phase lately and I am not sure what to do about it. The other day when I dropped her off at school, she actually was laying in the floor with a death grip on my ankle, screaming at the top of her lungs. She has also been crying at Sunday school. Anna Beth has been going to dance class for about 4 weeks now and loves it but this last week she sat outside the door with me and did all the dance moves but refused to go in for the first 20 minutes. She has been changing so fast that I sometimes wonder if she is feeling fearful because she does not need me as much.

We are daily in awe of the little girl that God gave us and so excited when she talks about Jesus in daily conversation. Being her parents has been one of the most trying and rewarding tasks that has ever been set before us!

Funny Ramblings...

Anna Beth has been so funny lately with the things coming out of her mouth. This last Saturday we were out looking at houses and made a stop for lunch. Anna Beth and I made a detour to the bathroom and finished up by washing our hands (of course!). The paper towel dispenser was automatic and would dispense another towel as soon as you tore it off. I grabbed one for myself and Anna Beth. When it spit out another Anna Beth looked up at it and said, "We have enough but thank you!" It was so funny but for the life of her she could no figure out why Mommy was laughing.

On last Thursday, I was driving home with Anna Beth from an errand and she began to talk about Jesus. She spends a lot of time trying to figure Him out and we have had many conversations related to this. Anna Beth began to tell me that Jesus was in the seat next to her and was buckled up to be safe. I am glad that she is so aware of His presence but sometimes it is hard not to laugh out loud when she is so literal.

Tonight, I was running the dryer and Brian's shorts were kicking up a bunch of noise. (He has a metal buckle on them) Anna Beth leaned over to me and said, "Mommy, it sounds like popcorn" The girl does love her popcorn.

The pictures attached are from the fountains in front of the court house in downtown Nashville. I was shooting some senior photos for a friend of mine. Anna Beth had been great for the 3 hours of pictures and I let her get soaking wet. She came home in some extra panties that were in her bag and froze in the car. I asked her if it was worth if and she said YES!

Visions from the past...

After flipping through Facebook, I have been faced with visions of my past and realized just how much they have shaped me and here is how...

My mother grew up in an abusive home and for years struggled with her anger and fears. That was demonstrated through the way that she disciplined me. For years, I hid bruises and lived in fear. Mom never meant to hurt me but truly was just raising me the way that she had been taught. My teens were difficult as our relationship was a struggle. At 16, I was molested by a boy in our youth group and at 19, I was date raped. I had learned to hide things from my parents that could cause friction and thus I remained quiet and led my parents to believe that I had just been rebellious and strayed.

My early 20's was a time of renewal in Christ and my relationship with the Lord grew to such that I was awed by Him everyday. I was accepted by a ministry that traveled across the country teaching about personal revival. This is the time where I learned to hide my fears and emotions from other believers. As a children's minister, I thrived! I delved deep into the Word and sought out the truth. My personal truth was my worst enemy at the time. In that type of ministry, people do not want to hear that you are vulnerable and raw. I saw some amazing things and truly believe that God had a strong hand on that ministry but there were times that I was driven by the leaders to search for hidden sins that only caused me to become depressed and fearful. We called this a "witch hunt for sin" Instead of allowing God to show us our sin, we went looking for it! Staying in "host" homes was my biggest downfall. Fears from my past surfaced and I could not put into words the hurt and healing that was taking place in my heart. This was interpreted again as rebellion and caused such great grief that I began to struggle with eating and sleeping. In the end, I left the ministry before the end of my 3rd year. Staying was just too painful and yet I struggled for years as I felt that I had failed to complete the task set before me. This was one of the darkest times in my life as I felt completely alone.

It took me a full year before I could go back and become a part of church. The church that I returned to was not the church that I had left 3 1/2 years earlier. The church had split and become bitter and hard. Several people in the church were angry and blamed the ministry that I had been a part of for destroying the church and I found that again, my "safe haven" was no safe place. God was so faithful to me during that time and continued to mold my heart in the image of Him. I finally found a church that I could become a part of and began to work in the Children's Ministry there. It was an amazing time and I grew in my faith much as I wrote and developed the Bible curriculum. Children have a way of restoring your faith in people and old wounds began to heal.

During this time, we discovered that my Grandmother had Alzheimer's. I bought a house and moved her in with me. The next 2 years were spent working during the day with special needs children and picking Grammy up from adult daycare at the end of the day. That was personally a very draining time for me. She threw books, coffee mugs and various other items at my head as she could not express her anger and frustration very well. My evenings were spent putting the knobs back on the stove to fix dinner, cleaning up, pulling stuff out of the trash that she had thrown away such as pictures, Bibles and jewelry, fishing stuff out of toilets and finally getting her bathed and to bed. In the end, Grammy was getting up about 3 times every night and getting lost in the house. Usually she was looking for the bathroom so putting her back to bed meant cleaning up messes and tucking her in. After 2 years, I realized that I could no longer cope and it was time to move Grammy to an assisted living center.

My sister moved into the house with me and I decided to get back into the real world. I started surfing the net and spending time with my Bible study buddies. It was a time of refreshment and delight at what God had led me through. During this time, I met the love of my life on a dating web site. Brian traveled back and forth for months from Nashville, TN to my home town of Jackson, TN. He was a professional drummer and was the sweetest thing on this side of heaven. God had given me a man of wisdom and one fully devoted to loving me! We were married on January 24th, 2004, just 11 months after having met online! I moved to Nashville and finally began the journey of opening my heart up to others.

God has been so faithful to me during the darkest of times and He has lead me to a church that loves the faults as much as the gifts. As Brian and my friends have slowly pulled away the layers of fear on my heart, I have found a sense of redemption in Christ for the first time in my life. I had never experienced unconditional love here on earth. There were always stipulations and clauses. I have known in my head that I was loved by God but the last 4 1/2 years has been the first time that I have ever seen it manifested. My daughter has been a gateway to forgiving and understanding my Mom. While I had chosen to forgive in the past, I began to understand her on a level that was not possible until I had a child of my own. I have loved getting to know my parents in a new way, There are treasures here on earth that were given to me to mold me into the image of God. I am no Grecian Urn but I have found that I am still special. All the knobby points and craters on my shell are my signs of growth. This is my journey to date and I am excited to see the testimony that will continue in my heart. I am forever grateful that God gave me the strength and grace to send me through the fire. My heart is full of joy and I am daily reminded of the life that He saved me from as I watch the world around me. He could have allowed me to be the one that was raised in a house of drugs and prostitution and yet He did not. My heavenly Father chose to send me along a path, that while hard, was not unconquerable with His direction and strength.

Ring, Ring, It's Boots on the phone....

On Saturday, we went over to my sister's house and had soem friends over to swim and eat. Anna Beth was fantastic until our friends left and then she turned quickly. We ened with a very rough afternoon.

We got stuck at their house until 9 pm that night waiting for Anna Beth's car seat to dry after and bit of an accident. When we finally had everything and were ready to hit the door, Anna Beth decided that she was not ready to leave. Brian handed me his cell phone and headed to the kitchen. I was not sure what he was up to but I soon found out. The phone started ringing and I realized that it was Brian on my sister's line. I answered the phone wondering what he was up to and heard the meow. Apparently Boots Kitty Cat Wood was calling! LOL I put Brian on speaker phone and called Anna Beth over. She was facinated when she realized that her cat had called and was asking her to come home. Bootsie never says a word at home other than meow but she talks up a storm over the phone. Brian hung up the phone and Anna Beth took him the phone and said, "Daddy, you want to talk to Bootsie?" I got up and headed around the corner to make the call and play Bootsie for a while. Brad and Denise were about to loose it on the couchand things got worse when Brian asked Bootsie to let him talk to the fish! I was loosing it behind the kitchen counter trying to figure out how to make fish noises and Anna Beth was believing it hook, line and sinker. LOL After the 2nd call, Anna Beth was ready to head home and see her Kitty but the only problem was, that she kept asking to call her cat all the way home.

On Thursday Anna Beth cried (and when I say cried, I mean screamed) non-stop for an hour and 45 minutes. We are having to be careful what battles we choose because we get tired of fighting with her. On Tuesday night, we went to Baskin Robbins for their $ .99 night and she went down a ramp that I told her not to. I told her when she got to the end that she would get a spanking when we got home if she stepped off. She looked at me and stepped off. All the way home, she said, "I don't want a spanking Mommy." I told her that she made that choice so now she had to get her spanking. When we got home, she refused to get out of the car. I unbuckled her car seat and she buckled it back. For 10 minutes she sat in that hot car with the door open and us staring out the window at her. I finally took the plastic spoon to the car and spanked her there. you would have thought that I killed her when in fact, I barely tapped her. She then screamed for another 45 minutes and we had to sling her over the shoulder to carry her in. Why? Why did we end up with the most stubborn child on earth? LOL I have never seen another child with the same determination that she has. She has actually been horse for the last couple of weeks from crying so much. I believe that she is also going through a growth spurt right now because she wakes up every night and has gotten very tall and skinny. Hopefully all will settle down once we get back to the routine of school and she is happy again.

Bible Study in a Storm!

I have been finding it very difficult to get alone with my God lately. Apparently my child feels that she should have my full attention at all times. I have been having my alone time when she was laying down to rest in the afternoons but she is no longer resting. I also felt that it is important for her to see me reading and praying so that she sees that it is a part of our everyday lives. This becomes a bit useless when I yell at her to leave me alone so I can pray! LOL In the end I feel as though this time set aside has been for nought.

There is a balance and I feel that my time is being pushed aside when I also believe that it is more important than ever to have that worship time with the Lord. I love my little girl but I need this and am trying to find a way to make it work together. Oddly enough my time with the Lord today was focused on misplaced attention. My attention has been all over the place lately, not on the matters of my heart. This only seems to be amplified when I am kicking my child out of the room so that I can have a few moments of peace to reflect and meditate on the condition of the heart. I find that instead I am sitting there dwelling on my frustration that I do not have that time and wondering what she is destroying just beyond that door.

She is so precious to me and I am grateful to God that He gave her to me to raise. However in the midst of that I believe that the One to whom I am grateful is also being neglected. Today, while she did give me time alone eventually, she also decided to use that time to "clean and fill" her vaporizer. This ended up being poured all over the carpet in my hallway. Another mess to clean and another time with God interrupted. After fussing, cleaning and a few of my tears I realized that I had just ruined any witness that I might have been to my child today! Where is the balance and will I be able to lead my child toward the Lord?