Fuzzy Crop Coming In!

It has been 5 weeks since my last chemo treatment and I have a fuzzy crop of hair coming in that I refer to has duck fuzz! It is an ugly process but by Christmas people should stop staring at my head. They will just think I had a really bad hair cut. LOL There is no way to put into words the emotional train I have been traveling on the last few weeks. Apparently I have very high expectations that my body cannot live up to. I have experienced everything from fear, grief, gratefulness to excitement. Everyday I see a little more of myself coming back. I have even chased Anna Beth through the house. Of course 10 minutes later, I was laid out in the floor thinking I was going to pass out. LOL I can go all day for about 2 days before I crash on the 3rd day but the strength is coming back. Next Friday is the big surgery that will put me back together. It is closure for both Brian and I. I think even Anna Beth is looking forward to that day. I am very aware that my family will never be the same after this. This is good in many ways with a small downside. The downside... everyday you remember and wonder about a relapse. I know that someday, we will go through a whole day without thinking about the cancer but we are not there yet and I think that it will be a while before that happens. That word has consumed our family for 9 months and that just does not go away over night. On the upside... Our faith is so much stronger and our hearts more sensitive. I have never loved and respected my husband more, which is saying alot because I have always had alot of respect and love for him! Anna Beth has been an angel for the last nine months but now that Mommy is getting stronger and Daddy worries less, she is emotionally letting go. She has meltdowns several nights a week and has begun lying some. We have been amazed at her strength and coping skills through all of this however, now that she feels safe, her fears and frustration over the last nine months is spilling out. This has required some extra love and discipline but we know that God will heal her little heart. As her mommy, I have had to fight guilt at what I felt that I have put her through. I hold her a little tighter, pray with her a little more and remind her to show Jesus we love Him with our obedience. I have to say that some of the sweetest moments are laying in bed and listening to her pray. Anna Beth feels deeply and holds much of it inside. Brian and I have to work hard to get her to open up but what precious moments as parents we have had, loving her when she needs it the most. God has answered my prayer regarding a job. The company that I was doing contract work for as this whole process was beginning is wanting me to come back part-time and work it into a full-time position. I have been doing more and more work for them lately and am going to start going into the office a couple of weeks after surgery. I was a bit terrified of the interviewing process with my bald head and crazy eyebrows. I know that people are not supposed to allow that to prejudiced them but I know that it does. Is she going to be out sick all the time and how healthy is she really? etc! God has just literally dropped a job in my lap. I am hoping that by the end of summer, I will be full-time and we can start paying off those crazy medical bills. The healing process is slower than I want it to be and there are still issues that crop up. I have been having headaches everyday for almost 3 weeks and the chemo has thrown my body back into an arthritis and fibromyalgia tizzy. However, I am eating real food again, not laying in bed all day and am able to actually think without the cobwebs. I had no idea how sick I really was until I started getting better. I saw my chemo nurses today and one of them told me that she almost did not recognize me because I have color in my face and pep in my step. I am experiencing God's incredible healing and am learning to be patient with the process. Psalm 62 has been my latest anthem. Find rest, O my soul, in God alone, my hope comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress, I will not be shaken. My salvation and my honor depend on God; He is my mighty rock, my refuge. Ps. 62:5-7 Resting is not my greatest strength. I have had nine months of forced rest and yet I am still learning to rest in Him. I am grateful that God trusted Brian and I with this story and I know that He will use it to be glorified.

From Cancer Patient to Cancer survivor

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, Because you know that the testing of your faith, faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2-4

Brian and I ended chemo as we began it...together and with excitement! The beginning, we had excitement because we were fighting and the ending because we no longer have to fight. The day brought joy and tears.

While I am excited that this is phase is over, there is also a sadness to leave my network of nurses that have become so very dear to me. After seeing them 2 to 3 times a week for months, they became a part of my life. I will miss their smiling faces, their encouragement, hugs and words of encouragement. From Tonya that loved to ask me the special question she claims she did not have to ask any one else, "Did you pass out this week?" LOL To Linda that always made me feel special and wanted. The 2 Theresa's always greeted me with a smile and would stop in to chat. Jenny never ceased to make me laugh with her goofy antics and sweet Kina that was always so very sweet. Pam that loved to tease and Stephanie that is always down to earth and there with a smile and tease for me. Then there is Sheree that keeps everyone going and makes sure that I am taken care of for my appointments. These chemo nurses love their jobs and they go above and beyond to take care of their patients. They are a special group that I thank God for daily. Chemo would have been so much harder without these special women that walked me through that long 6 month journey. There is also my clinical trial nurse Glenda that hugged me through the tears and cared for me as a mom cares for her kids. I thank God for giving me the opportunity to have such a Godly woman in my life as I shared the painful parts and victories.

There is also a fear of no longer fighting the disease. Now, I sit and wait between check-ups and questioning any new aches and pains that appear. While I know that God is not an author of fear it is something that I fight to give back to Him. There is no guarantee that the cancer will never return but Brian and I will trust Our Heavenly Father just as we have from the very beginning. There will be times we will fail at this but thank goodness for grace.

I am not sure that I can possibly share everything that we as a family have learned through this entire process. Our relationships are deeper with the Lord and each other. What a blessing it is to hear our daughter ask to pray with her on a daily basis about the things going on in our world in that moment. We have learned our strengths and weakness. Some that we knew and others that we never knew we had. I have been amazed to watch Brian as he fulfilled his wedding vows to the fullest. The way that he supported, cared for me and protected our family through this last 6 months was such an encouragement and show of love to me.

I have learned to see myself as God sees me. The physical beauty was taken away in many ways however I have never felt more loved and wanted by my God. My heart has been softened and the box that I had kept God in was blown apart as I realized that He is so much bigger and intimate than I had ever dreamed. What a special time with Him as I walked through the fire and opened my heart in a whole new way. I have shed many tears and laughed more than I thought possible. While I would never had chosen for myself and family to walk this road...what a blessing we have received on the journey. God gave us an incredible opportunity to lean on Him and trust in ways that I never thought necessary.

I am grateful for the people that have walked this road with us. We can never thank you enough for the financial, physical, mental, emotional and prayerful support that you have lavished on our family. The surgery will mark the official end to what seemed an overwhelming task back in July 2010. I have a few months to get my body and energy back but we will slowly become a part of the world again. I look forward to being a part of my church body on a regular basis and serving others again. I also look forward to being a real helpmate to my husband and a mommy off the couch rather than just the cuddler. I am no longer that cancer patient but a survivor and ready to share with the world how special this time has been!

Grace Fulfilled

Last week was a week that God poured out grace on our family. Monday started out with Anna Beth getting sick. Brian stayed home with her Tuesday and took her to the doctor so I could go in for my chemo treatment. unfortunately, she tested positive for the flu and she was kind enough to pass it off to me. LOL Wednesday night we landed in the ER due to Anna Beth having an asthma attack that we could not get under control. Thursday, I went to the doctor and tested positive for the flu. I was not able to keep anything down for about 24 hours so Monday morning I freaked my husband out by passing out in the bathtub. Next thing I knew, I was in an ambulance headed to the Vandy ER. Turns out that I was so severely dehydrated that my blood pressure was dangerously low at 80/20. There started me on fluids right away and was able to stabilize me within a couple of hours. I was moved that afternoon to a more stable area of the ER where I was officially admitted to the hospital and spent the next 24 hours. Not sure if you have ever had to spend the night in the ER because the hospital beds are full but it is not very restful and sleeping on a stretcher can get painful. We survived and we able to head home on Saturday afternoon where I continued to recoup.

Brian and I have spent alot of time reflecting on the past 6 months as we are nearing the end of chemo. Just one more week to be exact. We continue to be amazed at how God has walked us through this entire process. My clinical trial nurse stated Tuesday that she has never had a patient whose body had taken such a beating through chemo. Yet, I feel blessed. At every turn God has provided, carried us when we were to overwhelmed to go on and has sent people to encourage us. Gratefulness has continued to be our theme and will continue to be so.

God Focused

Today I was told that the chemo would most likely send me into menopause. Grief consumed. It was as if the last part of what makes me a woman was being taken away. The choice to have another child...gone! Once the tears stopped and I sought my Bible, I realized that Satan was trying to steal my joy. And my joy is Jesus Christ, my focus! I poured myself into verses speaking on grief because I believe that God allows us grief but we cannot allow it to consume us and rule our hearts in fear.

'And I gave my heart to know wisdom, and to know maddness and folly; I perceived that this is also vexation of the spirit. For in much wisdom is much grief and he that increaseth sorrow."
Ecc 17:18

"For the Lord will not cast off forever but though he cause grief, yet will he have compassion according to the multitude of his mercies."
Lam. 3:31-32

I then moved on in scripture to praise. Praise is required even in the hard times. Praise brings our focus back into perspective.

"Because thy loving kindness is better than life, my lips shall praise thee. Thus will I bless thee while I live; I will lift up my hands in thine name. My soul shall be satisfied as with marrow and fatness: and my mouth shall praise thee with joyful lips: when I remember thee on my bed and meditate on thee in the night watches. Because thou hast been my help, therefore in the shadow of thy wings will I rejoice. My soul followeth hard after thee; they right hand upholdeth me."
Ps 63:3-7

My last place to dwell was on the Proverbs 31 woman. I needed to be reminded of where a real woman's worth is placed. I want to reflect Christ and teach my child about honoring the head of our home. I want my husband to trust my heart and people to see Christ in my handiwork.

This process has been a roller coaster of emotions but I always have to come back and focus on Christ, who is my joy. In focusing on that joy, I see the abundance of what God has given to me and I do not deserve. I am a blessed child of the king and that King counts every sprout of new hair on my head. How amazing is it to know that your Father's love is so deep and vast that you cannot possibly fathom it!

I am not ashamed of my tears but am grateful that my heart leads me back to the cross and not down a path of bitterness and sorrow!

Spirit of....

One of the things that has been really impressed uopn my heart in the last 6 months is a spirit of gratefulness. Now I am going to be gut wrenching honest here so if you cannot handle it, don't read it. It is really hard to be grateful that you are having diahrea so much that you are too weak to stand, or whan you cannot keep food down for days on end and standing in front of a fridge makes you weep, when your body aches for days on end to the point that you are only able to get about 3 hours of sleep a day, when you are weeping hysterically out of sheer exhaustion and your husband can do nothing but rub your bald head, when you watch your hair fall out in your hands, when you start watching your long eyelashes wash down the sink, when you are irritable and cannot control it because of the meds, when you are staring at your deformed body in the mirror. when you have to get poked with a 2 inch needle in your chest 2 times a week, when you get poked with a 3 inch needle and have saline injected into your chest once a week.

These are just the things that are happening to me! There is also watching the strain on your husband over finances and realizing he can do nothing to help you but love you. Watching your daughter get hurt when her friends make fun of your bald head, when your daughter is just hurt because you cannot get out of the bed and take care of her. The list goes on and on.... however the list of things to be grateful for is so much longer!~

I have discovered that gratefulness is a quiet mind-set of sheer determination, mixed with lots of prayer and a desire to glorify God in all things.

"But the Lord said to Samuel, "Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things man looks at but looks at the heart."
-1 Samuel 16:7

I have developed friendships that are beyond precious to me, have been given gifts beyond my wild imagination, been loved in ways that I did not think possible. Afterall, this is little old me and yet God had people reach out to me and my family and love on us in a way that only God can do. My realtionship with God has grown and my relationship with my husband has grown. My prayer life and my prayer life with my family and husband has increased and I have also found a new level of mercy for people around me.

Whne you strat looking for God, you find Him everywhere! If you don't stop looking you will never cease to be amazed at how awesome and wonderful He is. My family has been given the gift of fire so that we can see Him more clearly. I do not wish this fire on anyone but I pray that somehow, you encounter God in such an intense way that out of the outpouring of your heart...there flows gratefulness!

Year of Joy

For some reason I feel the need to review the year. This is more for me to take delight in than for your enjoyment but you are welcome to read along as I walk through this year in words.

Jan 2010 was a rough time for me, or so I thought. I was facing a very difficult job. Brian had no job as the year dawned and I had very little hope but was weakly trying to trust my Lord. Trying is an interesting word. I have found for me, that it is a word that is used to justify my sinning rather than just blind obedience. Oh, I still use the word but I am learning to try less and do more. Now back to the task at hand... by mid-Jan Brian had received an offer of employment with Vanderbilt Cancer Access Center. I was thrilled at the future possibilities and the amazing answer to prayer.

I now felt that God was allowing me, my time, to remove myself from a difficult work environment and raise the income of our little family. I began the serious possibility of finding a new job. In the meantime, my boss found her golden ticket out of there and my hopes rose. By April, I had begun the interview process with Sommet group and took the job at the end of May. We all know how that turned out! LOL If you do not... just goggle it!

My dreams were crushed by July. I lost my job. I had landed and lost a job that would advance my career and was a huge lift to the family budget. I had also discovered a lump in my left breast, just before I took the job at Sommet and it was about to rear its ugly head! Three days before I was told I probably had breast cancer, I lost my job! We had been planning a trip to Disney World for 3 years and had to make a decision if we should go through with it or cash in our tickets so we could live off the money till I found a job. We had already paid a non-refundable week stay at a condo, we had already bought the tickets and we had the money in savings for food and gas. We made the decision, that our family needed this time together because our future looked very uncertain.

That vacation we managed to completely forget about the breast cancer and job loss for 3 days. When we did remember, we actually laughed at how wonderful it was to just have fun! God was giving us something special to remember and treasure in the months to come. We came back from that vacation ready to face what lay ahead. Oddly enough, I was never scared of the word cancer. Somehow, God had just prepared my heart for it and I knew that this was my path. I was sad at what I thought it was going to take from me but never really scared. Brian's reaction was different. He was not prepared but he faced it head on and was amazing. He did break down a few times but it was an amazing show of strength to me to see him face his fears and weep at what God was asking. I watched my husband thank God for choosing us, I watched him ask God to teach us and use us during this time. I watched my husband lead his family through the fire with confidence in His Father.

In August, we faced the mastectomy, October we began chemo and now we sit halfway through this process. It will be full year in the making but what a testament to God's faithfulness.

A friend joined me at chemo today and reminded me of the wonderful book of Isaiah so I came home and started flipping through it. It is quite possibly one of my favorite books. It takes you through almost every human emotion. I landed on Isiah 12:2-6 and could not stop the tears as it truly is the testimony of my heart.

"Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The Lord, The Lord, is my strength and song; he has become my salvation. With joy you will draw water from the wells of salvation. In that day you will say; Give thanks to the Lord, call on his name; make known among the nations what he has done and proclaim that his name is exalted. Sing to the Lord for he has done glorious things; let this be know to the world. Shout aloud and sing for joy, people of Zion, for great is the Holy One of Israel among you."

What a beautiful passage! This last year is a year of joy, hope and proclamation for me! Each time I was "trying" to trust God, He gently reminded me that He was in control. My husband workedd for the Cancer Cetner and got transferred to the Breast Center! How amazing is that?!Each week we got so low in funds that Brian, knew we were going to need some help, a check would come in the mail. Every time I began to lose hope and grow weary, God reminded me that He showed me that cancer. That my doctor listened to me and that it was found 2 and a half years before I was scheduled for that mammogram! Two years from now, would have been 2 late. Every time that I grew concerned about the toll this was taking on my daughter, God reminded me that He is protecting her heart and she is doing well in that face of everything. I am singing and shouting at the wonder of my God. What Satan intended for evil... God has turned into a beautiful testimony of God's saints taking care of each other and depending on Him for healing and protection!

Hitting the Wall

Hitting the wall can be quite painful. I have reached that place often lately and find myself retreating. It is hard to face my friends because they see and hear it in my voice. I am not supposed to be weak!The last few weeks have been overwhelming and difficult to wade through and I am just tired.

Tired of fighting ants on a daily and hourly basis. Tired of washing each and every dish in the house because the stupid dishwasher is broken and ants love dirty dishes. Tired of not being able to get out of bed except to crawl to the bathroom. Tired of standing in front of the fridge in tears, knowing I need to eat but not wanting to try. Tired of wondering if I will have work to do this week to help my husband with the bills and wondering if I will even have a job at the end of this. Tired of watching the weight of the world on my husband's shoulders. Tired of watching my daughter quietly try to understand why her world is so very different. Tired of just fighting a battle that never seems to end...

Every time I hit that emotional wall and land face first in the dirt, I see just how really weak that I am. God is there each and every time. Gently He picks me up and reminds me that I am trying to do it on my own again. I am trying to fix it, clean it up or carry a burden that I do not own. I can almost feel His mighty hand lifting my chin to look into His glory as He says, my child, you have forgotten that your strength and joy is found in Me! You are not trusting the One that created you and has prepared the way for you! Let go and remember that my yoke is meant to be light, not a means of restraint.

Again, I have traveled to Psalms where I am reminded of God's glory and holiness. Psalm 84 is becoming my heart cry as I dust off from my fall and accept God's grace in my weakness.

"1 How lovely is your dwelling place, LORD Almighty! 2 My soul yearns, even faints, for the courts of the LORD; my heart and my flesh cry out for the living God. 3 Even the sparrow has found a home, and the swallow a nest for herself, where she may have her young— a place near your altar, LORD Almighty, my King and my God. 4 Blessed are those who dwell in your house; they are ever praising you. 5 Blessed are those whose strength is in you, whose hearts are set on pilgrimage. 6 As they pass through the Valley of Baka, they make it a place of springs; the autumn rains also cover it with pools. 7 They go from strength to strength, till each appears before God in Zion. 8 Hear my prayer, LORD God Almighty; listen to me, God of Jacob. 9 Look on our shield, O God; look with favor on your anointed one. 10 Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere; I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of the wicked. 11 For the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD bestows favor and honor; no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless. 12 LORD Almighty, blessed is the one who trusts in you."

I want to live near the altar! I want my heart set on the pilgrimage! My goal is to go from strength to strength till I stand before God and I want my legacy to be that in all things... I trusted and praised the One that created me!