The Hope...

Last weekend we were at the Opry Mills Mall and walked past a Kiosk. I saw this sign…

. And tears started pouring down my face. I walked half way through that mall with tears pouring. I could not stop them. My heart hurt as I longed for a child I cannot hold but only imagine. Someday I will come back and get this sign. Someday…..

Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.
-Hebrews 11:1

This verse I have clung tightly to this week. It is the mirror of my heart and a promise to not stop believing in our child that we have yet to meet. The three of us spend time talking and dreaming about how God will use this child to change us and us to change him/her. This is a scary investment. This is taking a risk with our hearts. Brian and I understand the risk but I worry about the risk to Anna Beth’s. She prays for her brother/sister. She firmly believes God is working and preparing us all. It is a blind faith. It is terrifyingly beautiful and it is growing us in ways that I never thought possible. We are preparing with prayer, preparing with confidence and preparing in hope.

Bike Ride Observations

So Anna Beth and I loaded up our bikes and headed out for our first real bike ride together. I have several observations:

1. We need a bike rack cause 2 bikes are a tight fit with the girl in the back seat.

2. My bike seat is too high and it is like jumping off a cliff when climbing off.
3. While it may appear that I have plenty of fluff on my backside, it is no match for my bike seat! (It should be noted that my bike is the same bike that I have had since I was 15 years old and it has been about 15 yrs. since I have ridden it)

4. Anna Beth needs more practice because she drives erratically. There was A LOT of stopping and swerving.
5. Anna Beth had her first bike wreck and learned her lesson about her knee and elbow pads. That did not stop daddy from preaching about it when we got home. :)
6. It is best to always know where you are going or a simple 3 mile bike ride can quickly turn into a 7 mile bike ride consisting of circles.
7. Mommy gets snippy when she is lost!
8. Anna Beth is NO help at all in loading and unloading the bikes.
9. Mommy now walks like a 41 yr. old that has not been on a bike in 15 yrs.

10. Totally worth it and we will be doing to again soon. Maybe with a GPS and a bike rack though!

Me Vs. Spider

Monday morning showed such promise as I grabbed my stuff and hit the door headed to work. cruising along the back-roads, quietly preparing my heart for the day and then....I saw it! A spider, a small brown, creepy thing that had the strength of 10 football players. At some point during the night, that THING had moved into my side mirror. I stared at it and my skin began to crawl. I watched as it held on despite the fact that it was blowing along in its web at speeds of 40 mph. Slowly it worked its way to the corner of the mirror and climbed in behind it. It was safe! Safe from certain death and I knew that my commute was going to be filled with terror till that thing moved out.

Each morning and evening this week, I spend 45 minutes to an hour with one eye on that mirror and one eye on the road. The web grows and with it my imagination. For 3 days and nights I have trekked from one side of town to the other, carefully taking notes of the best places to pull over in case an escape was needed. I have places going and coming in case that spider makes its way inside my vehicle. I have 3 planned escape routes to get out of the vehicle. I have mentally walked through how quickly I could stop the car and bail. I did realize during this careful planning that the optimal would have been to also have a sun roof in my car. At some point I realized that my ability to get myself in worse situations would occur with a sun roof. I pictured myself attempting to climb out of the top of the car and in the process getting stuck. That freakishly strong spider could then climb my leg and get stuck in my pants. In the end, I realized that not having a sun roof was God's divine intervention from a fate worse than death!

I am held prisoner by this small spider that loves to play the innocent. My window cannot be rolled down. I lay awake at night planning out my responses to the worst case scenarios with this THING and feeling as though it is crawling on me! Only time will tell who will win this battle but I will be mentally tortured till it is over!

What Does a Spiritual Leader Look Like?

This is a hard one to define. My view of this have changed over the years. I used to imagine myself married to a man that spent his evenings holding prayer meetings in our living room. God had another type of man in mind for me. :)

Anna Beth developed a sincere interest in the homeless when she was about 5 years old. We were driving down the interstate in Nashville and she noticed a homeless man sitting under a bridge. She asked many questions and helping the homeless has been a mission of her's ever since. Recently, she had a birthday party and requested her friends to bring non-perishable food rather than gifts. She wanted to donate it to the Nashville Rescue Mission. Today, her and Brian finally had some time to take it and the 2 turkeys in my freezer down there. I stayed home so that I could get some cleaning done. When they returned Brian told me how the delivery went. He stated that on the way there, they prayed over the food and the people that would use it. They prayed that God would use it to minister to them.

No, I did not marry a Bible thumping man of God. Instead I am married to a strong quiet leader. A man that prays with us as we leave the house in the mornings. A man that reads a verse at dinner and discusses how it applies to us. A man that lays in bed with our daughter at night and prays over her heart. A man that is intentional in his relationship with me and our daughter. And let's be honest...the man is just plaid old funny!

Adoption: An Act of Faith

Many of you have asked and wondered where we are at in the adoption process. We are simply in a phase of waiting. I will be honest....waiting is HARD! Brian and I felt strongly that God has called us to adopt domestically. That means we sit and wait for a birth mom to choose us. We have been in this phase since October 2013.

Brian and I both felt the calling to adopt about 2 years ago. God dealt with both our hearts separately and it came up in a random conversation one day. We have struggled with aspects of this adoption at times and have prayed our way through the process. Right now the biggest fear involves faith.

This is not as though we saw a child on a website and are pursing them until they are safely in our care. This is a blind faith of believing God when He tells us to prepare. There is fear in asking people to partner with us in raising funds and being unsure if we will ever hold our baby. There is fear in preparing space for a child that may never come and live here. There is fear in putting your whole heart in and never knowing for sure if we will see that dream God has given us come true. At times there are tears, there is a questioning of God's calling and there is the overwhelming fear of the unknown.

Brian and I are not risk takers. We play if safe most of the time. It is simply our personalities. If we were asked to take one of those investment personality tests, we would be the ones that would chose the 15 year CD at 1% rather than buying stock that could tank at any given moment. We like a sure thing. Adoption is not a sure thing. It is risky for your bank account, your pride and your heart. We are also taking a risk with our daughter's heart because she is ALL in as well.

Right now we wait, we pray and we believe in what God has called us to do. To pursue a child of God's choosing so that we can raise that child to fall in love with their heavenly Father.

Mundane Ramblings

If you ever wonder what it's like to raise a type "A" child, let me give you a few quotes from my day...

"Anna Beth, stop straightening the grocery carts and let's go!"

"So let me get this straight, You emailed your teacher and asked her to send you more homework?"

"Stop turning all the cans the same direction, Mommy needs to get the shopping done so we can get home."

"Mom, I'm going to keep a list of all the things that I take in my back-pack everyday so I can make sure I bring it home."

"Mom, do you know where my label maker is?"

"AB, just erase it, you don't have to start the whole page all over." "But it looks messy!" she says with tears in her eyes.

Violin Practice..."I just want to quit cause I can't do it right!" (Tears rolling down her cheeks and 5 minutes later she plays 3 measures perfectly.

"You know how I'm a slow learner?" (She has been on the honor roll all year)

"Mom, you did not put the brush back in the drawer"

"Mom, can I organize my closet?



Conversation with AB about boys...

AB: "Do you remember Austin?"
ME: "Austin who?"
AB: "You know...AUSTIN!"
ME: Oh...the Austin you like?"
AB: "Yes! Well Anna (her friend) and I were playing and she walked over to Austin, yes there are 3 Austin's at our school. There is THE Austin, his best friend Austin and then there is the Austin that I was in Kindergarten with.
ME: (nodding like I had a clue)
AB: "Well Anna went over to Austin (the best friend) and asked him if THE Austin liked anybody but he said no. Then Anna went back a few minutes later and asked Austin (the best friend) again if THE Austin really did like someone. Don't worry, Anna is already dating somebody so she was not trying to find out for herself."
Me: (totally relieved over this fact...Bawhahahhaaaa)
AB: "Well Austin (the best friend) said not to tell anyone but THE Austin really likes me!"
ME: "Interesting..."
AB: "Yeah and he has been walking around the edge of the playground pretending to read a book but he has been staring at me."
ME: "Dating is not really something that you need to be doing in 3rd grade."
AB: "It's ok Mom, I'm not just going to date anybody...I'm waiting for HIM!"
ME: (insert long lecture on dating here)

Fun Fact: Daddy made sure that he met THE Austin one day when he picked AB up from school.

Life Is Hard Ya'll!

I'm not kidding! The last few weeks have been overwhelming with commitments. Work has been, sit in your seat for 10 hours straight with no lunch break kind of hard. The kind of hard that requires Brian and I to rearrange our schedules at 4:30 so I can stay and work till 8 at night kind of hard. Then there is coming home to this... because the dishwasher broke this week. And then there is this.... because we have been working on AB's pinewood derby car for her race tomorrow. There is staying up late to wash towels because if I don't we will be drying ourselves off with hand towels and wash cloths.

On top of the day to day my girl turned 9 yrs. old and we always pull her out of school on her birthday to spend the day with her doing something fun. She chose...wait for it...zip lining. UGH! Have I mentioned before that I am terrified of heights?!!! Like I have to close my eyes as Brian drives over tall bridges kind of scared. I'm not going to lie, I might have shed a few tears when I stepped off the last 2 platforms. But I did it because it was important to her!

At some point, I also agreed to have 14 girls over for a sleepover! Yeah, I have lost my mind!
There is also a really good chance that the decorations from that sleepover last weekend are still hanging up and the giant bed is still in the middle of my living room floor.

Then there is the church nursery/preschool schedule, paperwork , emails and expectations that I need to keep up with. I have also had the brilliant idea to start a Pampered Chef business. It is all good stuff but I am tired ya'll. Not just a little tired but like ugly cry tired!

All that to say that as tired as I have been, it has been easy to let my guard down. One day this week, I stayed mad ALL day! The hurt that I felt was valid but my attitude was not. I spent 24 hours focused on the person that hurt me rather than the Lord. While I sat at my desk the next morning, preparing to fester for another day, I realized that I had taken my eyes off God and had put them on the pain. I wanted to be ANGRY! But I realized that my attitude was interfering with my WALK. I sat there confessing my sin and asking for a new perspective. God, in His mercy and grace, loved me right where I was at and gently carried me the rest of the day. It is so easy for me to get wrapped up in the injustices of my life and I miss moments like this..... Two hours at Chili's listening to my girl's heart and hurts. What a blessing that was to encourage and love on her. I am grateful that God chases me and my mess all over Tennessee!