Reflections...2017

It has been a while…this time of year brings out the emotion in me and anyone that knows me, knows I do so through documenting. This time last year we were still in the throws of adoption after-shock. We had circled the wagons and home life was tumultuous. Christmas Eve last year might go down as the hardest we have ever experienced. I remember lying on the floor of Adi’s bedroom sobbing with scratches all over my face and back. I longed to reach his heart and his pain was a heavy burden to carry.

 

We recently passed Adi’s adoption day. Most people would expect this to be a day of celebration and joy… In our house it induced tears. He remembers…he knows we were not his first parents, he can clearly understand what happened to him, and he has the added burden of not being able to express it fully as a typical child would. We looked at a picture of him and his birth parents, we talked about the way they loved him and the choice they made. We wiped away the tears and held him tight. The difference…last year he had anger…this year he had tears. Adi has learned to accept this trauma inducing change in his life but that does not remove the hurt. He is learning to forgive but that does not remove the 4 ½ years of memories he had with them. We hope that one day, he will be ready to open his heart to them again. This time of year we are watchful for signs of grief, for his need for reassurance. We lower our expectations for celebrations and allow him to lead the way in his response to them.  Adi has a firm grasp that Jesus loves him, is always taking care of him, and never leaves him. We have moved on to teaching him that God is good and wants us to make good choices. Choices is an important thing to my boy.

 

On the opposite end of the spectrum is our girl…she is every bit of twelve, almost thirteen. She is amazing, exhausting, full of life, with a heart so sensitive we fear we might break it. Finding the balance of honesty with encouragement is tricky. Daddy tends to get whiplash with the mood swings but my heart laughs a bit because I remember being the same exact way. On one hand she seems older and wiser than her typical peers and the next moment she is just the teen we expect her to be. God has gifted her with the ability to separate Adi’s responses when he is overwhelmed from Adi’s genuine love for her. She runs through the house playing hide-n-seek with him and ten minutes later recognizes he needs space. Anna Beth has spent large amounts of time studying her brother and learning him so she can love him fully. On the other hand, it is a miracle I have not broken a bone while attempting to climb over the stuff on her floor to get to her bed to kiss her good-night. We watch her caught between little girl and grown woman. She has not settled on her place in her world yet but seems confident in who she is while walking through her days. I’ve told Brian that I believe we will see her flourish once she reaches high school or college. Right now she still has that leadership personality in a middle school world that demands uniformity in order to achieve acceptance. We are proud of her as she has not fallen prey to that mind-set but continues to forge ahead, unwilling to bend to society rules. She is learning to let go of her demands for perfection out of herself but her work ethic is strong. Her friends tend to be those on the outskirts that are often overlooked. She has confidently joined another youth group on Wednesday nights that better speaks to her heart while holding onto her ties to the youth group at our church. My girl brings tears to my eyes with her genuine love of people. She is a world changer that continues to grow in her relationship with the Lord and it tends to pour out in the way she loves those around her.

 

My Love and I will be celebrating 14 years of marriage next month. This man I married is as solid as they come but gentle with our hearts. He has worked ridiculous hours and yet his moments of peace he spent investing in his family. I could not be prouder of his leadership at work and the way he daily walks with integrity. He is a lover of Jesus and is sensitive to leading his family well. Marriage with this man has not been hard….life has been hard. God continues to give us what we need and new mercies each day to face the daily onslaught of this world. I love walking through life beside this man. Choosing each other daily is both deliberate and rewarding. The best part of each day is when he walks through our front door. Our prayer is that our marriage and family is a direct reflection of God’s redemption power. We have never aspired to change the world but just to be intentional in our relationships God called us to. I recently shared with a friend that we can never model perfection because we are imperfect. God has not called us to live a life of perfection before others. Instead, he gives us the power to make the right choices and grace when we fail. I want to fail well…I want others to see Jesus’s forgiveness when I fall flat on my face. I want them to see humility in my response and I want to see that I continue to choose hard things so my Father can be glorified.

 

This year has changed me, it has grown me, it has exhausted me, it has encouraged me and as we wind down to the end, I can honestly say, “This was a good year.” It was hard but oh friends, God was with us. He never ceased to be good. As I tell Adi every day, God is good and wants goodness for us. It is our responsibility to see the goodness amongst the hard. If my relationships with my heavenly Father, my sweet family, and my friends has grown deeper, then it has been good.

 

Isaiah 40:31 “…but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.”