Three weeks from today, papers will be signed and we will be given the hand of a beautiful little boy. We are excited to see this prayer being answered but let me explain the prayer that we have prayed for the last 4 years...
Adoption is a result of a broken world. Adoption is not a child tied up in a pretty bow, delivered to your doorstep just because you asked God for a child. Our prayer has always been, "God if you can use us through adoption, we are willing to walk that path." That little boy that God is trusting us with, comes with a broken heart and story. He does not love us and understand that we are a safe place. That we will love him through the hurt, that we have been and will continue to pray for God to heal his heart.
We celebrate but we also grieve. There will be hard days ahead...days of tears, honesty and asking God to give us hope for the future. God is asking us, as a family, to show unconditional love to a little boy that will not understand that concept. We will teach him to pray to a God that he will not trust. There will be days that will feel as though we are sifting through ashes but God WILL BE THERE. He has written this family's story before we were formed. He has a purpose and we will find joy in those moments of clarity. We will find joy when we see peace in our son's eyes. He is a precious soul and we are excited to be a part of his story. We are excited to be trusted with his past and be a part of his future. We are also excited about those of you that God will use to influence his heart towards the Savior.
Many of you have prayed with us over the years that God would answer our prayers for this adoption...now we ask you to pray for the aftermath...the beauty in the ashes of adoption. Pray that we represent Jesus well in the face of the brokenness that is soon to come. There are 6 hearts deeply affected by the signatures on those papers 3 weeks from today. We will grieve the loss for our son, his birth parents and ourselves. We look forward to introducing him to you and to celebrating the answered prayers with you.
Love-
The Wood Family
Monday, April 18, 2016
Sunday, March 20, 2016
My Heart Is Full...
March 7th, 2016....I was sitting at my desk, about to go to lunch and an email popped up on my phone. It was from the birth parents of the little boy we were trying to adopt. For 5 months we have been talking via, phone, Skpe and emails. Each of us sharing our hearts and desires for one little boy. In that moment, opening THAT email, my heart stopped. It was THE EMAIL. The one that told us they had chosen for us to raise their son...now our son. Seconds later my phone starting ringing...it was Brian, "Did you see it?" he asked. I could barely speak. In that moment, 4 years or waiting, hopes, dreams and grief unleashed and I began to sob at my desk. So much so that my boss came out of her office to check on me. We sat on the phone together, in tears as we tried to process what all this meant for us...for Anna Beth...for one special little boy.
Many of you have walked this long, long road with us and a few of you we have chosen to share our son's story. Every adoption story is different but it is also private. Someday it will be his story to share and we will support that but until then, we will keep it safe for him. We will be open and share as much of OUR story as we can while protecting his privacy.
This weekend is the first time that we have met face to face. We were on a tight timeline and drove 13 hours straight with only 3 short stops, averaging about 15 minutes each. We arrived with enough time to stop at the apartment we rented for the few days we are here and freshen up. We rushed to the agency's office and arrived right one time.
Our little family of 3 arrived first and we were guided back to the agency's parent room. A safe, comfy room full of soft chairs and couches. It was there that we first laid eyes on his sweet face. Anna Beth engaged him first and those 2 took to each other like they had kindred spirits. I slowly slid off the couch and to the floor, just wanting to be closer. Brian soon joined us on the floor where we played hungry hungry hippos and counted our marbles. It was hard to stop watching the miracle taking place in front of me and also engage with the other adults in the room.
Time stood still as Anna Beth and he moved to reading books. He walked over to me and sat right in my lap. I watched in awe at my two beautiful babies reading books together and tears poured down my face. I could not stop the ugly cry and everyone in the room understood my tears. Tissues were provided as I looked in my husbands eyes. He understood them, he had held me often in the past 4 years and had heard my desires. He shared them too. We had prayed for this moment together so many times. We had dreamed of what it would be and even still could not believe how beautiful and perfect it was.
14 This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. 15 And if we know that he hears us—whatever we ask—we know that we have what we asked of him. -1 John 5:14-15
Our time here with our boy will be quick and we will soon leave him and head back to Nashville. We have many decisions that will need to be made quickly in the next couple of weeks and timelines for his transition to our home will be solidified but for now we are cherishing the random hugs, kisses and staring into his beautiful brown eyes. We will share his sweet face with you when he becomes fully ours but for now we ask that you pray. There are many emotions to be managed, many plans to be made, transitions to take place and hearts that will need healing. We believe in a VERY big God that is doing VERY big things in our family. We thank you for your patience with us as we figure this out and how to function as a family of four.
Many of you have walked this long, long road with us and a few of you we have chosen to share our son's story. Every adoption story is different but it is also private. Someday it will be his story to share and we will support that but until then, we will keep it safe for him. We will be open and share as much of OUR story as we can while protecting his privacy.
This weekend is the first time that we have met face to face. We were on a tight timeline and drove 13 hours straight with only 3 short stops, averaging about 15 minutes each. We arrived with enough time to stop at the apartment we rented for the few days we are here and freshen up. We rushed to the agency's office and arrived right one time.
Our little family of 3 arrived first and we were guided back to the agency's parent room. A safe, comfy room full of soft chairs and couches. It was there that we first laid eyes on his sweet face. Anna Beth engaged him first and those 2 took to each other like they had kindred spirits. I slowly slid off the couch and to the floor, just wanting to be closer. Brian soon joined us on the floor where we played hungry hungry hippos and counted our marbles. It was hard to stop watching the miracle taking place in front of me and also engage with the other adults in the room.
Time stood still as Anna Beth and he moved to reading books. He walked over to me and sat right in my lap. I watched in awe at my two beautiful babies reading books together and tears poured down my face. I could not stop the ugly cry and everyone in the room understood my tears. Tissues were provided as I looked in my husbands eyes. He understood them, he had held me often in the past 4 years and had heard my desires. He shared them too. We had prayed for this moment together so many times. We had dreamed of what it would be and even still could not believe how beautiful and perfect it was.
14 This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. 15 And if we know that he hears us—whatever we ask—we know that we have what we asked of him. -1 John 5:14-15
Our time here with our boy will be quick and we will soon leave him and head back to Nashville. We have many decisions that will need to be made quickly in the next couple of weeks and timelines for his transition to our home will be solidified but for now we are cherishing the random hugs, kisses and staring into his beautiful brown eyes. We will share his sweet face with you when he becomes fully ours but for now we ask that you pray. There are many emotions to be managed, many plans to be made, transitions to take place and hearts that will need healing. We believe in a VERY big God that is doing VERY big things in our family. We thank you for your patience with us as we figure this out and how to function as a family of four.
Tuesday, August 25, 2015
Significance of August 26th...
It has crept up quietly and most of the time I ignore these milestones but this time, it is different. August 26th, marks the 5th year anniversary of my mastectomy. I feel the need to take a moment and reflect on the significance of this moment in time and how God allowed me the gift of time.
You see, most people, with my diagnosis and stage of cancer, have a recurrence within 2 years and pass away within 5 years of the original diagnosis. God has allowed me the opportunity to remain healthy and given me more time to invest in the lives of my family. I don’t want this moment to pass without acknowledging HIS grace in that.
Cancer is one of those things that God may never reveal his reasons for allowing in your life however I want to speak out loud the things I have learned from this experience.
1. I learned what a Christian community truly is and how God intended it to work as HIS hands and feet. That year, I witnessed and experienced my church family protect us, pray for us, support us, and walk through the hard with us. I had women sit through 8 hours of chemo while I slept and struggled to function. The body of Christ was witness to the messy of our lives, grieved when we grieved and held us up when we were too weary to stand. I remember one trip to the ER and friends left work to be there and serve as we needed.
3. I learned what a spiritual impact such complete dependence on God can do to the heart of your family. We were stretched and pushed to a place of complete surrender during that year. While I would celebrate never walking this phase of life again, there was so much value in the depth of growth of our spiritual walk.
4. I learned the value of transparency. To be completely honest about where your heart is, allows others the opportunity to pray for you and also be open about their strengths and weaknesses. It creates an environment of accountability and view of our weakness in light of God’s strength.
I am fully aware of the doctor’s opinions regarding my chances at a long life. Thankfully, I am also aware my God sees far beyond what my doctors can possibly imagine. Right now…I celebrate being able to witness 10 years of my daughter’s life. I celebrate walking hand in hand with my Love for 11 ½ years. Just because I do not celebrate every cancer milestone does not mean I am not fully in awe of the power of my heavenly Father. Thank you to those dear family and friends that walked the journey beside us!
Wednesday, August 5, 2015
Hand in Hand Through The Hard
Around New Year’s, for the past several years, Brian and I have always talked about what our family goals are for the new year. This year was no different but my ever wise husband informed me that this would be a year of change for us. The word CHANGE is almost a curse word in a house full of first born's that thrive on consistency. I am not sure that I took his comment seriously but I really should have.
Fairly quickly into 2015 we were informed of a serious cancer diagnosis for Brian’s mom. The family gathered the wagons and circled in to care for and love on mom. It was about that time that God started leading me to step back from my role at church as the Nursery and Preschool Director. My family needed my attention more so after prayer and conversations with Brian, I stepped back. It was clear that God had lead me to do so but for 9 years, I had served in that area of the church in some capacity. It took a while to find my footing when I walked the halls of our church. My husband was thrilled to actually be able to sit with me in class and church but I was not used to being forced to interact with adults. I’m not gonna lie…I might have almost run to my car after church some days to just avoid the conversations in the hallways where people ask you about your week. FYI: If you approach me in the hallway and I have a terrified look on my face…it is really NOT you. I am an introvert and struggle with interaction.
In April, Brian graduated from College with his Bachelor’s in HealthCare Administration. After two and a half years, he was done and we were going to reclaim some family time. Just a few days later, he was given an opportunity at a new position with Vanderbilt Children’s Hospital. He accepted and began the transition into his new position.
Next up in the year we decided it was time to purchase a new car and at the same time, our realtor texted my husband and stated, “If you are wanting to move, now is the time to put the house on the market.” SIGH! That simple text rocked our world. For several years, we have contemplated moving back closer to the church and our community. We had finally reached the point where we were ready to just be content where God had placed us and settle in till the girl graduated from high school. After many conversations, prayer and a large PR pitch, we managed to get AB on board with a move. We finished the school year out at her old school…MANY tears and sentimental conversations about all she would miss but we tried to make is special. Two weeks on the market, the house went under contract and we started boxing. We had a month to find a house, box up everything and move. I might have sat in the floor and cried more than once.
We moved out one day, moved in the next and was back at work the next day. It was exhausting and I was grateful for my church tribe that carried us through. The house is not finished and it will take months, but we are there, closer to church and functioning. About the same time, we had another cancer diagnosis in our family that altered plans and caused the same reaction of circling the wagons. Just as one of our dear ones finished her treatments, another had surgery to remove the cancer.
AB started school this week and it was HARD. She is hyper and flying high one minute, the next, quiet and hanging on us. Brian had to work till 10 pm on her first day. Little miss was in tears and refused to go to bed until daddy was there to put her to bed, like always. Again, CHANGE is HARD so I let her stay up so daddy could pray with her and tuck her in. In that moment, that act of normalcy was more important than getting enough sleep.
This first half of the year has been emotionally, physically and spiritually draining. There have been many moments of feeling alone on an island. We are now in the process of evaluating our adoption. It has been 2 years of hope being deferred and we are not sure where God is leading us in this. Through all the “HARD” our marriage has thrived. Yes, we are tired…no, I don’t remember the last time we went on a date...yes, we get grumpy, no, we don’t regret the changes and we did it together. We prayed about it…we talked through it…we continued to pursue and encourage each other. We reminded one another of God’s faithfulness and goodness at ALL times, when we lost sight of it. I am grateful to walk through life with a man of integrity. It has been a tough year so far but we stronger for it. 11 ½ years with him and he continues to grow as a spiritual leader, husband and father.
Friday, January 23, 2015
11 Years and the IMpact...
I recently asked someone a question, “What in your life has most shaped your view of who God is?” It is a question that has been on my mind a lot lately as well as thinking through how much my view of Him has changed over the years.
I was born back in a day when many mothers were still stay at home. A generation of parents that had been raised by many that had lived through WWII. My parents did not have the easiest childhood and they were very young. I was the only child for 7 ½ years. My mom had been abused, as had her dad and the dad before him. It was a cycle that continued some for me. My mom fought her demons and loved me. Together we forged ahead attempting to leave that cycle of abuse behind. It was painful and heart-breaking for both of us.
I asked Christ to be Lord of my life at the tender age of 5. God to me was huge, fierce and cold. His love was NOT gentle and full of grace. I knew that He was real, powerful and to be feared. I lived my life by a set of rules and feared the consequences of breaking them both here on this earth and eternally.
At the age of 19, I was date raped and all the things I had read and learned over the years about God’s protection seemed to be unfounded. I spent a lot of time blaming myself and believing that my failures as a follower of Christ had somehow led to my grief. I was being punished because I must have not loved Him enough. Worked for Him hard enough. My view of God was still harsh and I had Him in a very small box.
As a young adult, I found myself traveling all over the country as a children’s minister for a Revival Team. I saturated myself with the Word of God, pouring over it daily. The leaders of this ministry often, meaning well, sent us on spiritual witch hunts. We were nothing but a sinner and could only be redeemed by God’s holy righteousness. While this is true, it is not the way God wants to be portrayed. My past often dictated my responses and they were often misinterpreted and seen as a hard, sinful heart instead of the scared, wounded soul that I was. The order of the day was to be judged and tried without having any questions asked. My heart never had a chance to heal and I walked away from that ministry 3 years later, disillusioned and exhausted. Again, God was a harsh ruler that cared little for my heart.
I spent the next few years quietly recovering and trying to understand who God REALLY was. I spent time with people that believed Him to be different than I had ever experienced but how could I believe them? God pursued me and he used a Christian dating website to do so.
You see…my husband has completely changed my view of who God is. He blew the lid completely off the box that I had Him in. When we first started emailing, I made it known that I guarded my heart closely and Brian would have to work hard to scale the walls I had built around it. Brian was not daunted by my challenges. He has spent the last 11 years, gently pursing my heart. Each day, my husband leads me to the cross. He is not harsh. He does not rule our home with an iron fist but rather, with love he leads.
I remember very specifically one day, early in our marriage, I asked Brian, why he always said he loved me more? He told me that he was commanded to. He pointed to the verse, Ephesians 5:25
“For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her”
My husband saw it as God’s command to love me more and he has spent the last 11 years doing just that. He has lived out his marriage vows to the fullest. There has been times that God has called us to walk through suffering but it was different for me now. I did so without fear. I knew that it was a calling, not to punish me but to refine me. My husband lead the way, trusting God, leading by example, all while protecting my heart. Each day my husband meets my ugly with grace and big love. He protects, provides and serves me. He forgives while walking away from the hurt. He has taught me to see the beauty in the hard. This incredible husband of mine is not perfect but his lack of perfection has allowed me to see a gentler God. One who intentionally pursues our hearts and soul. That never is content until He has it all. A God that reaches out to me each day and asks for my trust. A God that truly protects and heals the broken hearted. A God that asks me to serve Him out of my LOVE for him and not obligation.
I go back to the question at the beginning, “What in your life has most shaped your view of who God is?” I can say with confidence, that it was not a powerful speaker, a pastor, a Doctor of Biblical Theology but rather, a quiet, football loving, drummer, father, and husband that is passionate about winning my heart. If my husband can love me this much, how much more must the Father that created me, love me?!
Happy 11th Anniversary my sweet husband and thank you for having such an impact on my life and heart.
"Above All, Love Each Other Deeply, Because Love Covers A Multitude of Sins"- 1 Peter 4:8
I was born back in a day when many mothers were still stay at home. A generation of parents that had been raised by many that had lived through WWII. My parents did not have the easiest childhood and they were very young. I was the only child for 7 ½ years. My mom had been abused, as had her dad and the dad before him. It was a cycle that continued some for me. My mom fought her demons and loved me. Together we forged ahead attempting to leave that cycle of abuse behind. It was painful and heart-breaking for both of us.
I asked Christ to be Lord of my life at the tender age of 5. God to me was huge, fierce and cold. His love was NOT gentle and full of grace. I knew that He was real, powerful and to be feared. I lived my life by a set of rules and feared the consequences of breaking them both here on this earth and eternally.
At the age of 19, I was date raped and all the things I had read and learned over the years about God’s protection seemed to be unfounded. I spent a lot of time blaming myself and believing that my failures as a follower of Christ had somehow led to my grief. I was being punished because I must have not loved Him enough. Worked for Him hard enough. My view of God was still harsh and I had Him in a very small box.
As a young adult, I found myself traveling all over the country as a children’s minister for a Revival Team. I saturated myself with the Word of God, pouring over it daily. The leaders of this ministry often, meaning well, sent us on spiritual witch hunts. We were nothing but a sinner and could only be redeemed by God’s holy righteousness. While this is true, it is not the way God wants to be portrayed. My past often dictated my responses and they were often misinterpreted and seen as a hard, sinful heart instead of the scared, wounded soul that I was. The order of the day was to be judged and tried without having any questions asked. My heart never had a chance to heal and I walked away from that ministry 3 years later, disillusioned and exhausted. Again, God was a harsh ruler that cared little for my heart.
I spent the next few years quietly recovering and trying to understand who God REALLY was. I spent time with people that believed Him to be different than I had ever experienced but how could I believe them? God pursued me and he used a Christian dating website to do so.
You see…my husband has completely changed my view of who God is. He blew the lid completely off the box that I had Him in. When we first started emailing, I made it known that I guarded my heart closely and Brian would have to work hard to scale the walls I had built around it. Brian was not daunted by my challenges. He has spent the last 11 years, gently pursing my heart. Each day, my husband leads me to the cross. He is not harsh. He does not rule our home with an iron fist but rather, with love he leads.
I remember very specifically one day, early in our marriage, I asked Brian, why he always said he loved me more? He told me that he was commanded to. He pointed to the verse, Ephesians 5:25
“For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her”
My husband saw it as God’s command to love me more and he has spent the last 11 years doing just that. He has lived out his marriage vows to the fullest. There has been times that God has called us to walk through suffering but it was different for me now. I did so without fear. I knew that it was a calling, not to punish me but to refine me. My husband lead the way, trusting God, leading by example, all while protecting my heart. Each day my husband meets my ugly with grace and big love. He protects, provides and serves me. He forgives while walking away from the hurt. He has taught me to see the beauty in the hard. This incredible husband of mine is not perfect but his lack of perfection has allowed me to see a gentler God. One who intentionally pursues our hearts and soul. That never is content until He has it all. A God that reaches out to me each day and asks for my trust. A God that truly protects and heals the broken hearted. A God that asks me to serve Him out of my LOVE for him and not obligation.
I go back to the question at the beginning, “What in your life has most shaped your view of who God is?” I can say with confidence, that it was not a powerful speaker, a pastor, a Doctor of Biblical Theology but rather, a quiet, football loving, drummer, father, and husband that is passionate about winning my heart. If my husband can love me this much, how much more must the Father that created me, love me?!
Happy 11th Anniversary my sweet husband and thank you for having such an impact on my life and heart.
"Above All, Love Each Other Deeply, Because Love Covers A Multitude of Sins"- 1 Peter 4:8
Friday, September 26, 2014
She is Complicated…
This is Anna Beth…yes, she is complicated.
She is my heart walking outside my body. She is a miniature adult…seriously, you have no idea how many people have told me this. From teachers, to principals, to peeps on the street. She is not the child I expected her to be….she is better but Oh sooo complicated. Raising her has been the single hardest thing Brian and I have ever done in our entire lives.
From birth, this child has challenged and pushed the boundries of what I understood about kids. I used to be a Children’s minister. I had worked with kids for 20 years before I had her and I have never met another kid like her.
For years Brian and I, as well as the rest of the family showered her with toys. She HATES getting toys! The only thing that toys do for her is to satisfy her need to organize. We now buy her folders, desk organization tools, label maker, markers and notebooks instead.
Anna Beth does not have a typical imagination. She HATES princesses, and as a little one, would look at you dumb-founded if you tried to pretend a baby doll was real. If we tried to get her to name her stuffed animals or babies, all we would get is…”Doll…it is a doll!” She would rather be catching frogs and then googling facts on different types of them then having a tea party. Last Saturday, she was so excited because daddy sat down with her and helped her create a power point on the different phases of the moon. I.AM.SO.NOT.KIDDING! This was not required school work, she just wanted to do a report because it is fun. #facepalm
Friends…this one is hard and has become the source of many tears in the last couple of years. As I said before, Anna Beth does not PLAY, she ORGANIZES. She typically only talks to adults or kids younger than herself. The reason for this is, she always leads. Not because she feels the need to, but because she cannot stand for there to be no structure to playtime. This can often cause conflict. I have picked her up from aftercare and seen her at the front of the line, at the tire swing. Not actually swinging herself but organizing the play. She keeps time and tells others when to get on and off so that everyone can have a turn. It is her way of protecting the kids that get left out. I have driven up recently and seen her sitting in a chair with 6 smaller kids sitting on the ground around her. She was ‘teaching” them about how to help a tree grown healthy and strong.
Her peers just don’t know what to do with her. Being with her, is like being with another adult and they want to PLAY. AB’s goal is to protect all the ones getting left out or picked on. To make sure everyone is playing fair. Their goal is to play like typical kids. If you have ever sent your kiddo to a sleepover or play date at my house. They will be busy the entire time. I plan structured activities for the entire time. I am always there and involved in the play time. The reason? So Anna Beth and her friend can play on an equal level and not feel like she has to organize the play time.
Many conversations have taken place of late about who she is as a person. She notices when she does not get invited to birthday parties. When she gets left out of play groups. When girls tend to avoid her. In all of her LEADING, she is still incredibly sensitive and is devastated when she thinks she has offended someone. This is when parenting Anna Beth gets really hard. To explain to a 9 year old girl that God made her perfect, just the way she is. BUT with her personality, there are, at times, conflict with what the world expects from her. That right now, it will be hard for her to make friends. That she will get yelled at, pushed away and hurt. That sometimes, people’s perception of who she is, is different than the reality. For now, as her parents, we just encourage her to continue being who she is. To not allow the pain she experiences, change the way she responds to the world. We have to let her know, that right now, growing up for the next few years, will be incredibly tough. BUT someday, what others see as weaknesses, they will then see as her strengths.
As her parents, we fight for her to be understood with adults in authority over her. We are sooo grateful when we find the few that pay attention and GET her. They find ways to encourage her and play to her strengths. They come alongside us and helps us guide her in learning how to converse with her peers. We work to teach her how to love people just as they are rather than her forcing them to follow the rules. We help her to understand that the world is NOT fair and there will always be some that get left behind. That God has given her the gift of a sensitive heart to love them and reach out to them when others would not.
She is not perfect but she is oh sooo gentle and kind. She loves to please and don’t get me started on the pain of her drive for perfection! She once told me that she LOVES special needs kids. When asking her why she responded with, “Momma, they are so smart, just a different kind of smart.” Right now, her goal is to be a special needs teacher and personally, I think she would be fantastic at it. I am sure we will change careers several times before she actually gets to college. She is loyal to the point of being willing to get hurt to prove herself a person of her word. She hates to get others in trouble. She is passionate about life and there is always music playing in her head. (she gets that one from daddy) She loves to give hugs and never meets someone she does not like until they break her heart.
My girl is complicated and she has broken the mold as to what I THOUGHT a kid should be. She changed the way I thought parenting was to be done. I look into her face and I see the world differently. She has taught me much about actually looking at people’s hearts and their intent rather than my perception of them. God shook up my world when He entrusted her to us. I am not anxious to see where God will use her one day because I am content watching who she is now. She has turned me into a warrior when needed and a weeping mess when she is hurt. I love her so very much and am grateful to be her momma!
She is my heart walking outside my body. She is a miniature adult…seriously, you have no idea how many people have told me this. From teachers, to principals, to peeps on the street. She is not the child I expected her to be….she is better but Oh sooo complicated. Raising her has been the single hardest thing Brian and I have ever done in our entire lives.
From birth, this child has challenged and pushed the boundries of what I understood about kids. I used to be a Children’s minister. I had worked with kids for 20 years before I had her and I have never met another kid like her.
For years Brian and I, as well as the rest of the family showered her with toys. She HATES getting toys! The only thing that toys do for her is to satisfy her need to organize. We now buy her folders, desk organization tools, label maker, markers and notebooks instead.
Anna Beth does not have a typical imagination. She HATES princesses, and as a little one, would look at you dumb-founded if you tried to pretend a baby doll was real. If we tried to get her to name her stuffed animals or babies, all we would get is…”Doll…it is a doll!” She would rather be catching frogs and then googling facts on different types of them then having a tea party. Last Saturday, she was so excited because daddy sat down with her and helped her create a power point on the different phases of the moon. I.AM.SO.NOT.KIDDING! This was not required school work, she just wanted to do a report because it is fun. #facepalm
Friends…this one is hard and has become the source of many tears in the last couple of years. As I said before, Anna Beth does not PLAY, she ORGANIZES. She typically only talks to adults or kids younger than herself. The reason for this is, she always leads. Not because she feels the need to, but because she cannot stand for there to be no structure to playtime. This can often cause conflict. I have picked her up from aftercare and seen her at the front of the line, at the tire swing. Not actually swinging herself but organizing the play. She keeps time and tells others when to get on and off so that everyone can have a turn. It is her way of protecting the kids that get left out. I have driven up recently and seen her sitting in a chair with 6 smaller kids sitting on the ground around her. She was ‘teaching” them about how to help a tree grown healthy and strong.
Her peers just don’t know what to do with her. Being with her, is like being with another adult and they want to PLAY. AB’s goal is to protect all the ones getting left out or picked on. To make sure everyone is playing fair. Their goal is to play like typical kids. If you have ever sent your kiddo to a sleepover or play date at my house. They will be busy the entire time. I plan structured activities for the entire time. I am always there and involved in the play time. The reason? So Anna Beth and her friend can play on an equal level and not feel like she has to organize the play time.
Many conversations have taken place of late about who she is as a person. She notices when she does not get invited to birthday parties. When she gets left out of play groups. When girls tend to avoid her. In all of her LEADING, she is still incredibly sensitive and is devastated when she thinks she has offended someone. This is when parenting Anna Beth gets really hard. To explain to a 9 year old girl that God made her perfect, just the way she is. BUT with her personality, there are, at times, conflict with what the world expects from her. That right now, it will be hard for her to make friends. That she will get yelled at, pushed away and hurt. That sometimes, people’s perception of who she is, is different than the reality. For now, as her parents, we just encourage her to continue being who she is. To not allow the pain she experiences, change the way she responds to the world. We have to let her know, that right now, growing up for the next few years, will be incredibly tough. BUT someday, what others see as weaknesses, they will then see as her strengths.
As her parents, we fight for her to be understood with adults in authority over her. We are sooo grateful when we find the few that pay attention and GET her. They find ways to encourage her and play to her strengths. They come alongside us and helps us guide her in learning how to converse with her peers. We work to teach her how to love people just as they are rather than her forcing them to follow the rules. We help her to understand that the world is NOT fair and there will always be some that get left behind. That God has given her the gift of a sensitive heart to love them and reach out to them when others would not.
She is not perfect but she is oh sooo gentle and kind. She loves to please and don’t get me started on the pain of her drive for perfection! She once told me that she LOVES special needs kids. When asking her why she responded with, “Momma, they are so smart, just a different kind of smart.” Right now, her goal is to be a special needs teacher and personally, I think she would be fantastic at it. I am sure we will change careers several times before she actually gets to college. She is loyal to the point of being willing to get hurt to prove herself a person of her word. She hates to get others in trouble. She is passionate about life and there is always music playing in her head. (she gets that one from daddy) She loves to give hugs and never meets someone she does not like until they break her heart.
My girl is complicated and she has broken the mold as to what I THOUGHT a kid should be. She changed the way I thought parenting was to be done. I look into her face and I see the world differently. She has taught me much about actually looking at people’s hearts and their intent rather than my perception of them. God shook up my world when He entrusted her to us. I am not anxious to see where God will use her one day because I am content watching who she is now. She has turned me into a warrior when needed and a weeping mess when she is hurt. I love her so very much and am grateful to be her momma!
Thursday, September 25, 2014
Birth Pains of Adoption
It has been 2 years since we started the process of adoption and it really is stacks of paperwork, phone calls, running over to this place for fingerprinting, running to the vet for shot records, running to get physicals, filling out questionnaires, saving money, etc.. BUT if you asked me what the hardest part of the adoption process is, I would say…waiting. Every other part of the process has a beginning and an end. Waiting is a painful journey that is filled with questioning God’s calling, filled with tears, filled with prayer and God stretching your faith.
We have had a few opportunities to pursue a child but none of them have ever really gotten off the ground until recently. A couple of months ago, we were contacted by our adoption agency about a little boy. I am going to admit it…I immediately fell in love with him. He was exactly what I had pictured God bringing into our family. It was complicated but not impossible. The little boy was being placed by another agency but had reached out to our agency as a partner, trying to find him the perfect family. He had some medical issues and the legal fees to adopt him rivaled that of an international adoption. But we felt God leading. We had his medical records reviewed by a doctor that specialized in adoptions and she told us of his serious issues. We contacted our local pediatrician that would be treating him so they could be prepared. We shared the news with Anna Beth, we started talking about decorating his room, Anna Beth daydreamed about reading him books, and we researched child care. Everything we were hearing back from the agency was very positive and we were the only family that wanted this little guy. The agency’s lawyer began drawing up paperwork to file the petition…
Then suddenly everything went wrong. Email after email, the situation grew more complicated and impossible. The costs grew greater and the chances of having him placed in our home started to grow dim. We finally received an email asking us to make a decision. It was painful…I have still not stopped grieving. Brian and I labored in prayer together and felt it was time to walk away. I felt like my heart was being ripped out. I laid in Brian’s arms and cried. I cried on the way to work and on the way home. We both had a complete peace about our decision but it still feels like I abandoned my child. I still look at his picture and pray that God will put someone in his path and that will teach him about the Lord. I pray for his protection. Though I never physically touched him, my life was changed.
Adoption is not a passing fancy. It is not something that just “seems like a good idea.” It grows in your heart and gets a death grip on you till you pursue it with abandon. It is a passion that God places in your family. This is not just about my desires, this is also about Brian’s and Anna Beth’s. My family is all in…Heart, head and sacrifice. Do you have any idea what it is like to tell a 9 year old girl that her dream of a specific sibling is gone? Her heart broke too.
God did not disappear and our trust in Him is not broken. Our faith in His calling is not shaken. We are going deeper with Him as we pray together as a family for our waiting child. When God does bring that child into our home, there will be no doubt he/she will be loved. There will be no doubt of our dedication to seeing him/her feel loved, accepted and taught about God’s purpose for his/her life. Adoption is a painful and beautiful plan that God created to protect His treasures. It is a perfect physical example of his Salvation plan for us. It is a process in which God has refined us and deepened our walk with Him. The birth pains of adoption are long and arduous but not impossible. Nothing is impossible if God is walking in it!
We have had a few opportunities to pursue a child but none of them have ever really gotten off the ground until recently. A couple of months ago, we were contacted by our adoption agency about a little boy. I am going to admit it…I immediately fell in love with him. He was exactly what I had pictured God bringing into our family. It was complicated but not impossible. The little boy was being placed by another agency but had reached out to our agency as a partner, trying to find him the perfect family. He had some medical issues and the legal fees to adopt him rivaled that of an international adoption. But we felt God leading. We had his medical records reviewed by a doctor that specialized in adoptions and she told us of his serious issues. We contacted our local pediatrician that would be treating him so they could be prepared. We shared the news with Anna Beth, we started talking about decorating his room, Anna Beth daydreamed about reading him books, and we researched child care. Everything we were hearing back from the agency was very positive and we were the only family that wanted this little guy. The agency’s lawyer began drawing up paperwork to file the petition…
Then suddenly everything went wrong. Email after email, the situation grew more complicated and impossible. The costs grew greater and the chances of having him placed in our home started to grow dim. We finally received an email asking us to make a decision. It was painful…I have still not stopped grieving. Brian and I labored in prayer together and felt it was time to walk away. I felt like my heart was being ripped out. I laid in Brian’s arms and cried. I cried on the way to work and on the way home. We both had a complete peace about our decision but it still feels like I abandoned my child. I still look at his picture and pray that God will put someone in his path and that will teach him about the Lord. I pray for his protection. Though I never physically touched him, my life was changed.
Adoption is not a passing fancy. It is not something that just “seems like a good idea.” It grows in your heart and gets a death grip on you till you pursue it with abandon. It is a passion that God places in your family. This is not just about my desires, this is also about Brian’s and Anna Beth’s. My family is all in…Heart, head and sacrifice. Do you have any idea what it is like to tell a 9 year old girl that her dream of a specific sibling is gone? Her heart broke too.
God did not disappear and our trust in Him is not broken. Our faith in His calling is not shaken. We are going deeper with Him as we pray together as a family for our waiting child. When God does bring that child into our home, there will be no doubt he/she will be loved. There will be no doubt of our dedication to seeing him/her feel loved, accepted and taught about God’s purpose for his/her life. Adoption is a painful and beautiful plan that God created to protect His treasures. It is a perfect physical example of his Salvation plan for us. It is a process in which God has refined us and deepened our walk with Him. The birth pains of adoption are long and arduous but not impossible. Nothing is impossible if God is walking in it!
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