Wife...Mom...Employee

I have been struggling with this subject for some time. Those of you close to me are aware of this but maybe not to the depths of how much I struggle. You see I am a full time Wife, a full time Mom and a full time Employee. Many of you know what this looks like...many do not. In today's world, my heart struggles daily with the delicate balance of these 3 worlds. Five days a week my day looks like... Wake up at 5:45, get the girl ready, get myself ready, make sure lunches are bagged, the girl's folder is signed, quick kisses and hugs all around, often times a quick prayer together and then I am racing 45 minutes down the road to get to work by 7:30 am. I follow this same 45 minute route home at 4:30 pm to get the girl, then run errands and get us home. I then have about 3 hours with my girl to instill Godly principles, core values and responsiblity. During those 3 hours I also have to fit in, a load of laundry, homework, dinner, violin practice, bath time and then daddy totes her off to bed for reading, prayer time and finally sleep. Once she is in bed, I have time to finish laundry, clean up the kitchen, pack lunches for the next day, straighten up the house, work on projects, crank out some emails looking for volunteers for church,set out clothes for us for the next day and sometimes sit on the couch for a few minutes. Around 11 pm each night, Brian and I fall into bed, discuss our days, what is on our hearts and then hopefully be asleep by midnight so we can do it again the next day. The part that I struggle with....the guilt! Everyday I am faced with people discussing organic meals, homeade oatmeal, homemade granola bars, spending hours in a grocery store reading labels looking for things like,(turn your eyes away from the screen now if you are easily horrified) corn syrup! I know that you should be careful with what you put in your bodies and trust me, I try. For goodness sakes, I have had well meaning people send me links about eating "clean" because I have had cancer. Reminding me of how I need to be careful because anything processed can feed cancer. BTW, I have not forgotten that I have had cancer. I have some pretty nasty scars to remind of this on a daily basis. I know their hearts just want the very best for me. I want the very best for me and my family too. I work hard to do my very best at this. I see all the great tips on keeping a house organized and they look like great ideas. I see all the cute crafts or family activities that you can plan and they do look like fun. I see all the pre-prepped organic meals that you can put in cute mason jars and just add water. (Still not sure how I feel about this one)and I am sure they are healthy. However...they are a constant reminder of where I am failing. RIght now I am sitting in my great room with homework undone, coupons waiting to be clipped, book bags waiting to be cleaned out, dishes in the sink waiting to be washed, a wedding project set up in the middle of the floor of my living room area waiting to be worked on, a dryer running in the background reminding me that I have already fluffed that load once already, little pieces of my child's life laying in various places around the house,and then there is the pile of clothes on my side of the bed that torture my husband each day. (By the time it is time to crawl in bed it is just too much work to pick up the discarded clothes from AB and I) Each of these things a reminder of all the stuff I am not doing right. This is my life! This is what God has chosen for me! This is the place that He has called me to be content! (Yes, I like exclamation points, it is a joke with friends!) I have to constantly remind myself that this is what God called me to do. He has not called me to be all of those things on Pinterest. (I have a love/hate relationship with that app!) He has not chosen me to be an organic chef. He has called me to invest in my family and the lives around me. I am uniquely and divinely flawed so that I need Him. I am a scarred up, completely anal (Brian calls it OCD), exhausted, sometimes crabby,often times weepy,very messy child of the King! He loves me this way and He is teaching me daily to love what He has given to me. I am learning to only do what He has called me to do in this moment. To long for Him and a life that relfects Him rather than the life that I am witness to on FB and Pinterest. This is me, plain and simple.

From Cheesy Smile to Tears

In my house this is a common occurance as I have an 8 year old daughter. Ha! Who am I kidding, she has been that way since birth. Tonight, after picking my girl up from school, I informed her that we were heading to the grocery store. She was not thrilled and I told her that we were going to do this quickly so we could hurry up and get home. I asked her to please cooperate so that we could get home quickly and she could play outside. To my child, this is the ultimate gift...time to play outside! In response to my statement about cooperating I got a hesitant..."I'll try." I drove with little confidence that she was going to do this, the rest of the way to the store. We made it through the front doors and through most of the veggie section without incident. As we headed towards the fruit, my girl took over steering the cart. Before I could stop her, she rammed the cart of another woman. I am not talking about a gentle bump people. I am talking about a running start kind of crash. One look at her and I knew...she did NOT have kids! I profusly apologized, pushed my cart around her, and gave my daughter her first and only warning. I made it back to the fruit and turned to select a few items for my girl for lunches for the week. As I was pulling items to purchase, my sweet, precious child has sat on the bottom of the cart and pushed it down to the meat counter. A woman walked up to me, (obviously a mom) and stated, "Mamm, are you missing a cart cause I believe your daughter might be over there." I took a look at where she was pointing and see my cart mysteriously moving of its own volition. SIGH! Laughing, the kind woman walks away as I walk down the aisle to retrieve my juvinille delinquint. At this point, I calmly point to the cart basket and order her in. We spent the next 10 to 15 minutes walking the store in complete silence. Somewhere around the paper aisle my dear child appears to be growing bored with shopping and proceeds to stick her arm out as far as she can so she can try to kncok stuff off the shelves. I managed to avoid getting her close to anything until I had to veer out of the way to avoid another mom in a bigger hurry than I. At that point, several sponges go tumbling to the store floor right in front of an older woman that seems to have forgotten that children can be a trial at times. At this point, I grow even quieter, if that is possible! AB manages to not further humilate me as we approach the check-out. At the check-out, I make her stand on the end of the cart and not move unless given permission to do so. She takes one good look at me and grins from ear to ear. While I wanted to continue being mad at her, that grin just broke my mean streak and I had to grin back. :) On the way to the car, my funny girl begans making plans for her play time outside. This is the point where she receives her consequences and I let her know that she has lost her outdoor playtime with her friends. By the time that we got home, she was in quite a mood and almost managed to make it up to her room before she broke out in sobs where she let me know just how ticked she was with a slam of her door. Thank goodness Daddy got home at the same time because he took over and listened to her complain through the sobs for the next 20 minutes. I love her. I love her unconditionally. I love her more than she could ever imagine. There are days however that I wonder if I can lock her up in her room till she is ready to go to college!

My Funny Girl

I have purposed to blog more about my girl so that someday she has stories to read of her life and to see her personality emerging.I also want her to be able to have a recording about her family and life to share her fun stories with those important in her life some day. My girl is very sentimental and that will be important to her. Tonight, when we arrived home, AB came running from the mailbox yelling that there was a small box that had arrived. I realized that it was my new business cards for the wedding consulting business we are starting. Of course she wanted to see them right away so I opened them a gave her one. She looked over it for a minute and then handed it back to me. In a business-like voice she said, "Will you plan my wedding someday?" "Of course I will but it has to be a long time from now", I said. AB responded by saying, "I will try but I can't wait too long because you will not be around anymore." Bless her! I love to her the crazy things that come out of her mouth.

Happy Birthday Baby Girl!

Today is the day we celebrate our sweet girl! Eight years ago God blessed us with you. That day was long and hard on your mommy and daddy. We listened with tears as the doctors told us you needed to go on a ventilator. We waited for 14 days to be able to even hold you. Finally, 18 days after you were born, we brought you home. We were so excited to hold you and spoil you rotten. Eight years later we have discovered more of who you are... You take life very seriously and have a very sensitive heart. You can lead a group with gentleness taking care to pay attention to others feelings. You love the Lord and seek to obey Him. You are stubborn which has served you well at times. You get your feelings hurt easily because you love with abandon. Your family is core to you. You write notes to others to encourage them. Your love language is time. You love music and it pours out of you daily. You often act older than your age and relate better with adults than other kids. You love kids yourger than you and you are gentle with them. You are loyal to a fault. You read constantly and have more more books than toys. You love the outdoors and have an energy level that surprises people. You are DRAMA and drive your daddy crazy with your reactions. You demand attention and talk constantly. You share your heart easily with others and are very trusting. You have a gift for writing and surprise us with your insight. You have faced difficult things in your eight years with better composure than some adults. You are a perfectionist and put more pressure on yourself than we ever could. You love to cook and help around the house. You are truly amazing and we delight in you each day. Mommy and Daddy are amazed that God trusted us to be your parents. You never cease to blow us away with kindness and sense of humor. We look forward to spending the next year loving you and watching you grow. Happy Birthday to one of our greatest treasures!

Emerging From My Cocoon

I have sat down at the computer many times in the last year yet I can rarely bring myself to pin my thoughts. It has been just over 2 years since my cancer diagnosis and for a year I had lived my life out loud. For the last year, I have felt the need to retreat. My personality has always been to work in the back ground therefore being so open was exhausting for me. I do believe that it is what God wanted me to do and I have no regrets giving friends and family a window into our life during that time. But after it was over and the last chemo celebration was done, I needed time to process. I also had the need for not every conversation to begin with the current length of my hair. Yes, I know, everyone was just excited and happy for me to actually have hair but I wanted to just be normal as fast as possible and that was not normal. I believe I was also not prepared for the healing that needed to take place. For the last year, my "A" type personality has taken a beating. I always feel out of control and as though I am constantly missing something. This has caused major anxiety and panic attacks. Driving back and forth to work is probably the worst time for this to rear it's ugly head. I loath driving now and often feel panicked when I do not know the intent of the driver beside me. There have been many afternoons that I had tears streaming down my face for most of the way home. During this year, I felt the need to push my family and friends needs in front of my own. For a solid year, my needs felt like the priority and I have just needed this time to take care of them. I am timid to mention prayer needs to others or share my heart with them because I believe they must be sick of stuff being about me. I have done the same thing with the Lord. I have felt so indebted to Him for the way He just carried me and my little family that I have ceased to live in grace. Living a year without grace has been a heavy burden to bear. Friends...I am tired and I have lost my joy. I am so busy living life, checking and re-checking lists that I have forgotten how to be still and rest in Him. For a year, I sat and for some reason I felt the need to pay back everyone and the Lord. All of those things, prayers, meals and love were given freely as gifts. Apparently, I am not very good at receiving them. I am slowly emerging from this cocoon of busy that I have built around myself and am learning to live again in God's grace. To accept what He has offered as a gift as He intended. I am learning about faith. I thought that I had learned this lesson already but turns out, I am very stubborn. It is a lot of work for me but I will be become vulnerable again and trust God's promises for my life. I know that the fear will fade and peace will return.

God Is Good...

One year ago today I sat in a little curtained room with Brian for the very last time. After a 5 hour IV drip that pumped poison in my body, I walked away and was from that point forward a survivor. I am not going to lie, this anniversary has been very emotional for me. Who am I kidding…I am a drama filled, weeping , blubbery mess! However, it is not out of sadness for what took place in the past but out of a grateful heart.

My little family is so very different than we were a year ago. My little girl is about to turn 7 and this year she is charging through life taking no prisoners. She is very different from the timid, fearful little creature that was always attached to my lap last year. Anna Beth still asks questions and talks about it around once a week to let me know it is still very much on her mind. The difference… she states it as a fact, something in her past that affected her but no longer controls her. She is more compassionate towards others around her and she talks about God in an intimate way that tells me she has a real relationship with Him.

Brian, I watched slowly exhale as each step of the cancer process came to a close. After the last surgery, when I went back to work full-time and after the last bill was paid. He still hovers some but we are once again equal partners in all things regarding chores around the house. The difference…our conversations are about the future and not the past. They are about how God is working in our lives and not about how we are surviving day to day. And yes, there are a lot of conversations from all 3 of us about the adoption process we are currently walking through and what our little family will look like in the future.

For me, I am still a little weak, still a little tired and have a decent amount of hair on the top of my head which erases the signs that cancer was a huge part of my life one year ago. I have moved forward with gusto and have probably taken on too much since stepping back into the land of the living. I have been hesitant to take on the “survivor” role as many others before me have. There are several reasons for that. One, I did not want cancer to define me or make me special, it was simply something God used to grow me. Two, for my daughter’s sake, we needed to move past it. Three, I do not feel called to lead the charge in making people aware of breast cancer. There are people that God uses in that role but it is not for me. The difference…(Besides laying on the couch for days on end) I value things differently now than I once did and am more aware of the little moments. I have found beauty in the ashes and am looking with bright hope towards the future.

We have moved forward and occasionally look back to remember and thank God for what He has done. We have never asked God why and He has never offered an answer. My little family is scarred but not broken and are stronger in our faith and as a unit. We are also fully aware that we were surrounded at all times by faithful friends and family that supported us in prayer, spirit and many times, in body. As a fellow survivor recently stated…We rejoice today and celebrate what God has done but know that we would have celebrated and rejoiced in God no matter the outcome. He is faithful at all times and never ceases to be good!

Resolutions

Yes, I made a list but I am not ready to share it with the world. I tend to keep my resolutions close to my heart because some of them tend to be very personal. This year is no exception and am hoping for many changes for my little family in many ways. We will share as we can. Every year I fail at a few but never stop hoping for success. My Father's mercies are new ever morning and this gives me hope to try again. I am looking forward to some milestones and looking back with a thankful heart.