My Funny Girl

I have purposed to blog more about my girl so that someday she has stories to read of her life and to see her personality emerging.I also want her to be able to have a recording about her family and life to share her fun stories with those important in her life some day. My girl is very sentimental and that will be important to her. Tonight, when we arrived home, AB came running from the mailbox yelling that there was a small box that had arrived. I realized that it was my new business cards for the wedding consulting business we are starting. Of course she wanted to see them right away so I opened them a gave her one. She looked over it for a minute and then handed it back to me. In a business-like voice she said, "Will you plan my wedding someday?" "Of course I will but it has to be a long time from now", I said. AB responded by saying, "I will try but I can't wait too long because you will not be around anymore." Bless her! I love to her the crazy things that come out of her mouth.

Happy Birthday Baby Girl!

Today is the day we celebrate our sweet girl! Eight years ago God blessed us with you. That day was long and hard on your mommy and daddy. We listened with tears as the doctors told us you needed to go on a ventilator. We waited for 14 days to be able to even hold you. Finally, 18 days after you were born, we brought you home. We were so excited to hold you and spoil you rotten. Eight years later we have discovered more of who you are... You take life very seriously and have a very sensitive heart. You can lead a group with gentleness taking care to pay attention to others feelings. You love the Lord and seek to obey Him. You are stubborn which has served you well at times. You get your feelings hurt easily because you love with abandon. Your family is core to you. You write notes to others to encourage them. Your love language is time. You love music and it pours out of you daily. You often act older than your age and relate better with adults than other kids. You love kids yourger than you and you are gentle with them. You are loyal to a fault. You read constantly and have more more books than toys. You love the outdoors and have an energy level that surprises people. You are DRAMA and drive your daddy crazy with your reactions. You demand attention and talk constantly. You share your heart easily with others and are very trusting. You have a gift for writing and surprise us with your insight. You have faced difficult things in your eight years with better composure than some adults. You are a perfectionist and put more pressure on yourself than we ever could. You love to cook and help around the house. You are truly amazing and we delight in you each day. Mommy and Daddy are amazed that God trusted us to be your parents. You never cease to blow us away with kindness and sense of humor. We look forward to spending the next year loving you and watching you grow. Happy Birthday to one of our greatest treasures!

Emerging From My Cocoon

I have sat down at the computer many times in the last year yet I can rarely bring myself to pin my thoughts. It has been just over 2 years since my cancer diagnosis and for a year I had lived my life out loud. For the last year, I have felt the need to retreat. My personality has always been to work in the back ground therefore being so open was exhausting for me. I do believe that it is what God wanted me to do and I have no regrets giving friends and family a window into our life during that time. But after it was over and the last chemo celebration was done, I needed time to process. I also had the need for not every conversation to begin with the current length of my hair. Yes, I know, everyone was just excited and happy for me to actually have hair but I wanted to just be normal as fast as possible and that was not normal. I believe I was also not prepared for the healing that needed to take place. For the last year, my "A" type personality has taken a beating. I always feel out of control and as though I am constantly missing something. This has caused major anxiety and panic attacks. Driving back and forth to work is probably the worst time for this to rear it's ugly head. I loath driving now and often feel panicked when I do not know the intent of the driver beside me. There have been many afternoons that I had tears streaming down my face for most of the way home. During this year, I felt the need to push my family and friends needs in front of my own. For a solid year, my needs felt like the priority and I have just needed this time to take care of them. I am timid to mention prayer needs to others or share my heart with them because I believe they must be sick of stuff being about me. I have done the same thing with the Lord. I have felt so indebted to Him for the way He just carried me and my little family that I have ceased to live in grace. Living a year without grace has been a heavy burden to bear. Friends...I am tired and I have lost my joy. I am so busy living life, checking and re-checking lists that I have forgotten how to be still and rest in Him. For a year, I sat and for some reason I felt the need to pay back everyone and the Lord. All of those things, prayers, meals and love were given freely as gifts. Apparently, I am not very good at receiving them. I am slowly emerging from this cocoon of busy that I have built around myself and am learning to live again in God's grace. To accept what He has offered as a gift as He intended. I am learning about faith. I thought that I had learned this lesson already but turns out, I am very stubborn. It is a lot of work for me but I will be become vulnerable again and trust God's promises for my life. I know that the fear will fade and peace will return.

God Is Good...

One year ago today I sat in a little curtained room with Brian for the very last time. After a 5 hour IV drip that pumped poison in my body, I walked away and was from that point forward a survivor. I am not going to lie, this anniversary has been very emotional for me. Who am I kidding…I am a drama filled, weeping , blubbery mess! However, it is not out of sadness for what took place in the past but out of a grateful heart.

My little family is so very different than we were a year ago. My little girl is about to turn 7 and this year she is charging through life taking no prisoners. She is very different from the timid, fearful little creature that was always attached to my lap last year. Anna Beth still asks questions and talks about it around once a week to let me know it is still very much on her mind. The difference… she states it as a fact, something in her past that affected her but no longer controls her. She is more compassionate towards others around her and she talks about God in an intimate way that tells me she has a real relationship with Him.

Brian, I watched slowly exhale as each step of the cancer process came to a close. After the last surgery, when I went back to work full-time and after the last bill was paid. He still hovers some but we are once again equal partners in all things regarding chores around the house. The difference…our conversations are about the future and not the past. They are about how God is working in our lives and not about how we are surviving day to day. And yes, there are a lot of conversations from all 3 of us about the adoption process we are currently walking through and what our little family will look like in the future.

For me, I am still a little weak, still a little tired and have a decent amount of hair on the top of my head which erases the signs that cancer was a huge part of my life one year ago. I have moved forward with gusto and have probably taken on too much since stepping back into the land of the living. I have been hesitant to take on the “survivor” role as many others before me have. There are several reasons for that. One, I did not want cancer to define me or make me special, it was simply something God used to grow me. Two, for my daughter’s sake, we needed to move past it. Three, I do not feel called to lead the charge in making people aware of breast cancer. There are people that God uses in that role but it is not for me. The difference…(Besides laying on the couch for days on end) I value things differently now than I once did and am more aware of the little moments. I have found beauty in the ashes and am looking with bright hope towards the future.

We have moved forward and occasionally look back to remember and thank God for what He has done. We have never asked God why and He has never offered an answer. My little family is scarred but not broken and are stronger in our faith and as a unit. We are also fully aware that we were surrounded at all times by faithful friends and family that supported us in prayer, spirit and many times, in body. As a fellow survivor recently stated…We rejoice today and celebrate what God has done but know that we would have celebrated and rejoiced in God no matter the outcome. He is faithful at all times and never ceases to be good!

Resolutions

Yes, I made a list but I am not ready to share it with the world. I tend to keep my resolutions close to my heart because some of them tend to be very personal. This year is no exception and am hoping for many changes for my little family in many ways. We will share as we can. Every year I fail at a few but never stop hoping for success. My Father's mercies are new ever morning and this gives me hope to try again. I am looking forward to some milestones and looking back with a thankful heart.

Thankful for Conviction

Yes, I said it! I am thankful right now for conviction. What a sweet time I have had with my Savior lately. I am not in a deep, dark place wallowing in what a sinner I am but simply allowing God to teach me how to live intentionally for Him.

I have recently been following a blog of a mother with a sweet 7 year old girl that passed away about a week and a half ago of brain tumors. It has been such a blessing to see how God was so active in this little girl's life. At 7 years old, she was clearly longing to go to her heavenly home. I have struggled with this concept for over a year. As I faced chemo last year, there were times that my body was so tired and I was so sick that I wondered why I was fighting so hard to stay on this earth when my eternal home was waiting for me. As I began following the story of this little girl it again caused these questions to resurface and I began to search the Word and pray for an answer.

This search took me to 2 Thessalonians.

3 We ought always to thank God for you, brothers and sisters,[b] and rightly so, because your faith is growing more and more, and the love all of you have for one another is increasing. 4 Therefore, among God’s churches we boast about your perseverance and faith in all the persecutions and trials you are enduring.
5 All this is evidence that God’s judgment is right, and as a result you will be counted worthy of the kingdom of God, for which you are suffering. 6 God is just: He will pay back trouble to those who trouble you 7 and give relief to you who are troubled, and to us as well. This will happen when the Lord Jesus is revealed from heaven in blazing fire with his powerful angels. 8 He will punish those who do not know God and do not obey the gospel of our Lord Jesus. 9 They will be punished with everlasting destruction and shut out from the presence of the Lord and from the glory of his might 10 on the day he comes to be glorified in his holy people and to be marveled at among all those who have believed. This includes you, because you believed our testimony to you.

11 With this in mind, we constantly pray for you, that our God may make you worthy of his calling, and that by his power he may bring to fruition your every desire for goodness and your every deed prompted by faith. 12 We pray this so that the name of our Lord Jesus may be glorified in you, and you in him, according to the grace of our God and the Lord Jesus Christ.[c

My favorite verse in this passage was verse 11 that states that they pray constantly that they may be worthy of God's calling and that God's power would helps us to become more like Him!

The past couple of weeks I have had to find peace with the fact that God is not done being glorified through my life here on earth and yet He received glory by the death of one so very young. With that came such a burden of knowing the responsibility that God has given me by extending my life here on earth. He cured me of cancer and with that gift comes the responsibility to live so intentionally that God can be glorified through my daily life.

As I began to feel that burden, I also was reminded that my Father's burdens are light. It brought me back to the scripture "For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light." Matthew 11:30 This scripture verse was a great help to me last year and it has a new context for me now. I now see it played out in my daily walk with Him. By nature, I am not a person who's gift is evangelism however I can daily love people as God loves them. I can respect and honor my husband as God commands me to do, I can teach my daughter the Bible and live it out daily in front of her and I can pray for my dear family and friends that their faith increases. I can choose activities that gives me opportunities to love on others, encourage them and live intentionally in front of them. I will fail in front of them but again what an opportunity to show humility, seek forgiveness and be a witness of God's grace.

I do long for my eternal home but He does not want us to be downcast because He has chosen to use us here on earth rather than allowing us to finally see His face. My place is here for now, to bear witness to His majestic glory. I am grateful that God has trusted me with this message and this responsibility just as He did that precious little girl.

Ripples In The Pond

When you drop a rock in a pond the ripples from it appear to last for a very long time. This has been true for us. Our rock was cancer and the ripples, while not noticeable from the outside to most, continue to have an affect on our family. We try to keep it within the confines of our little home because we know people grow weary of hearing it but behind our walls those ripples reach deep in our hearts.

Brian rides the ripple of doctors appointments. Each one, he texts me if he has not heard from me within the time-line he expects. While we both know that more than likely everything is going to be fine, there is always the chance that they could find something else lurking in the shadows.

Mine is the anxiety attacks. I grow anxious when I feel like things in my world are not going according to schedule or I have lost track of something, I panic. I have combated this with constant lists and preparing things way in advance. My poor family and co-workers have learned to listen for the panic in my voice.

Anna Beth's is far more complicated and harder for Mommy and Daddy to deal with. She still has a fear of her Mommy dying. We never used that word around her or even hinted that it could happen but somehow my girl developed a fear of this happening. As a result, she has trouble being away from me for long periods and cannot spend the night at her friend's houses.

The other night, we decided to have a family movie night and Brian picked up Mars needs Moms. This appeared to be an innocent movie but became much more than that for us. Anna Beth was nervous from the get-go and there is a scene in the movie where the mom almost dies. At that point Anna Beth ran from the room crying hysterically and it took us about 20 minutes to calm her down. She stated over and over that she knew it was not real but she was afraid that it was going to give her bad dreams. We would have never rented that movie had we realized the content of it. After much prayer with our little girl she was able to calm and go to sleep. She remained clingy most of the weekend but her heart seemed to have recovered.

Daily we long for the ripple effect to stop but we know that God is using those ripples to continue to refine us. Someday the last ripple will each shore and our healing will be complete but until then we will continue to live in Proverbs 3:5-6

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight."

Such a simple verse and truth yet sometimes one of the biggest challenges. We continue to trust that God allowed this in our lives for His purpose and glory. The hard part of trusting for us comes when it is time to move forward. Part of our hearts still cling to the fears of the unknown. No one ever told me that conquering the cancer was only part of the process. This has taken us all by surprise. I heard one survivor put it perfectly. "The problem is, that you are no longer sick!" Such a true statement and yet also very hard to admit. You expect the hair to return, go back to work and life to return to normal but we have discovered that "normal" does not really work for us anymore. We have all been changed by cancer and are still learning how to live with the effects of it.

Someday we will go an entire day without thinking about what we walked through but for right now we celebrate every hour that passes and our minds have been otherwise engaged. Someday we will celebrate Anna Beth's first sleep over since this all began and someday our hearts will be fully at peace. For now, we mark each little milestone and find comfort in the shadow of God.