I have just recently started back full-time, albeit temporarily, while my co-worker is on maternity leave. This has been a real adjustment for our little family as I have not worked full-time in 4 years and Anna Beth has always had mommy home 2 days a week. In the process, I have discovered something very special.
Anna Beth and I had gotten in a rut lately. I have projects going on around the house constantly since we moved in and there never seems to be an end to the painting, unpacking, and the regular cleaning and cooking. The reason Brian and I made the priority of me working 30 hours, 3 days a week had gone by the way-side... our girl! Those special days of crafts and cooking and learning had become a lower priority and were justified by all the "things" that needed to be done.
Since I just started back I have worked harder at listening when she talks and answering her crazy questions. As many stay at home moms know, their voices can at times feel more like a burden than a blessing. I have discovered ways to make those ordinary moments special... like the bathtub. Tonight my girl was in rare form and was full of dramatics. Every sentence out of her mouth was funny and emphasised with hand gestures. (she got this from her mommy) Anna Beth has a thirst for knowledge and it can be a challenge to find things to teach her off the cuff. Tonight bath-time started out with the usual banter and I decided to take the opportunity to talk about the 5 senses. She caught on quickly and understood how God gave us the 5 senses so we can appreciate the world that He created for us. From there we moved to opposites such as, "if you are hot, then you must not be... cold!" Next came the shapes around the bathroom and we ended with our review of our phone number and how to spell her full name. By the end, I was tired and had a renewed appreciation for Anna Beth's personality and discovery of everything around her.
While, there are still some parts of her attitude I could live without, this time has made me grateful for how special she is once again. Even the attitude, I have found ways to delight in. Just for instance, tonight, she was begging for a snack before dinner and I refused to cave. She actually came out and said, "You have got to be kidding me, daddy lets me have one before dinner!" While I did not appreciate the tone behind it, her speech was delightful! LOL Anna Beth has also recently become fascinated with using, "Mommy, did you know...?" before every sentence. I also over-heard her saying to daddy, "Mommy is over there but you cannot see her because her is short and her face can't stick up"
All this to say, while I will be grateful for the time when I can return to my old schedule, I am grateful for the reminder from God that it is not just about the time that you spend with them, but also how you use the time. Those family dinners around the table are to discover how each others emotions have affected their day. Clean up time is about teaching responsibility. Cuddle time is about affirming the love for each other. Story time is about growing the imagination. Bible is about training her to be a Godly woman that seeks God's heart before her own and last but not least... prayer time to to understand where our hearts are at the moment.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Thursday, January 8, 2009
"There is a strange dog in my car"
So I just wanted to share another day in the life of Jenny... it is a little unbelievable but then if there is a weird story to tell, I am usually involved!
So there I was in my car heading home from the dreaded 2 hour trip to Walmart. I turn on my street and am thinking about all the groceries I am going to have to put up when I realize there is a large dog sitting in the middle of the road. I stop right in front of it and blow my horn... nothing, Blow again... nothing. This goes on for about 2 minutes when I give up and open the door. He sat there until I almost got to him and then he circled the car with me in tow (because I realized that he was hurt). We round the car and he jumps into my seat and climbs over to the passenger side. I realized at this point that he was dripping blood all over my seats. What do I do? I tried to get him out and even flagged down another car and ask for the police dept's number. They have someone on the phone already and they have the other person look up the phone number for me. I call the number and as I am dialing, I wonder... what am I going to say?
I am watching the dog closely as I have my 3 year old in the back seat and the dog turns around and faces me. Holy Cow, I realized at that point that I had a bloody, hurt, pit bull sitting in the front seat of my car! So there I was, on the phone with the police, trying to untangle Anna Beth from her car seat and wondering how in the world I was going to get myself out of this one. I closed the doors and left that pit bull in my warm, running car with all my groceries! The dog then climbed into the backseat and sat down in my child's car seat. Nasty!
A gentleman drove past and asked what was going on and he pulled over when I told him the story. He walked over to the car and confirmed that indeed that was a pit bull and offered to let Anna Beth sit in his car. Thankfully a police officer and his partner drove past at that moment and pulled over to help. They were very kind and called Animal Control and prepared to direct traffic around our stranded car with the dog as pretty as you please resting in Anna Beth's car seat. At some point, we realized that Animal Control was not coming and they made another call. Anna Beth had to go to the bathroom and I was another 1/2 mile from the house with my keys trapped in the running car. I grabbed Anna Beth out of the back of the police car and headed into the woods. She is not very good at going in the great outdoors and tried to stand up while she was still going.
So here I sat in the back of the police car, a wet child, my car running out of gas and $200 worth of groceries going to pot just because I had opened the door to a strange dog! After 2 hours of this ordeal, I was able to stick my child in her bloody car seat and drive home to put away my groceries. It has been a long and frustrating day but hopefully the dog will be ok and all will not be lost!
So there I was in my car heading home from the dreaded 2 hour trip to Walmart. I turn on my street and am thinking about all the groceries I am going to have to put up when I realize there is a large dog sitting in the middle of the road. I stop right in front of it and blow my horn... nothing, Blow again... nothing. This goes on for about 2 minutes when I give up and open the door. He sat there until I almost got to him and then he circled the car with me in tow (because I realized that he was hurt). We round the car and he jumps into my seat and climbs over to the passenger side. I realized at this point that he was dripping blood all over my seats. What do I do? I tried to get him out and even flagged down another car and ask for the police dept's number. They have someone on the phone already and they have the other person look up the phone number for me. I call the number and as I am dialing, I wonder... what am I going to say?
I am watching the dog closely as I have my 3 year old in the back seat and the dog turns around and faces me. Holy Cow, I realized at that point that I had a bloody, hurt, pit bull sitting in the front seat of my car! So there I was, on the phone with the police, trying to untangle Anna Beth from her car seat and wondering how in the world I was going to get myself out of this one. I closed the doors and left that pit bull in my warm, running car with all my groceries! The dog then climbed into the backseat and sat down in my child's car seat. Nasty!
A gentleman drove past and asked what was going on and he pulled over when I told him the story. He walked over to the car and confirmed that indeed that was a pit bull and offered to let Anna Beth sit in his car. Thankfully a police officer and his partner drove past at that moment and pulled over to help. They were very kind and called Animal Control and prepared to direct traffic around our stranded car with the dog as pretty as you please resting in Anna Beth's car seat. At some point, we realized that Animal Control was not coming and they made another call. Anna Beth had to go to the bathroom and I was another 1/2 mile from the house with my keys trapped in the running car. I grabbed Anna Beth out of the back of the police car and headed into the woods. She is not very good at going in the great outdoors and tried to stand up while she was still going.
So here I sat in the back of the police car, a wet child, my car running out of gas and $200 worth of groceries going to pot just because I had opened the door to a strange dog! After 2 hours of this ordeal, I was able to stick my child in her bloody car seat and drive home to put away my groceries. It has been a long and frustrating day but hopefully the dog will be ok and all will not be lost!
Monday, November 3, 2008
A Child's Faith
Yes, it has been a long time since I have been on here. We have had alot going on! Since my last blog, we have sold our house, moved and bought the same house twice. Long story and not a fun one but it is over and we are no longer squatters so all is good. We are in the process of having new wood floors and tile put in downstairs, painting the entire house and still trying to unpack. Just so you are aware, in case you were wondering, concrete floors are cold, very dirty and not recommended! lol
Anna Beth completely relaxed after we made the move and seems to have settled, She has gotten over the separation issues and has been taking life by storm once again. We have enjoyed a more peaceful Anna Beth although it is never completely calm when she is around. Drama is common with her but more manageable now that we are in our house.
Brian and I have been focusing on Obedience with Anna Beth lately and making her aware of the people that she hurts when she disobeys. Some of you will recognize this definition... Obedience is doing WHAT I'm told to do, WHEN I'm told to do it, WITH a happy heart. Anna Beth can quote it by heart and I use it just about every time we have a "moment." She has been more aware of whom her actions are affecting, especially Jesus. About 2 weeks ago, I was filling up the car and Anna Beth had been quoting the pledge of allegiance for about 20 minutes so I had begun to tune her out. All of the sudden she said, "Mommy, Jesus lives in my heart!" I said, "yes, Jesus can live in your heart if you ask Him to come live in your heart and forgive you for your disobedience." (We have not used the word "sin" yet so I had to break it down) I have not heard any other comments from her on this subject until October 30th. I was putting Anna Beth to bed, which is unusual in our home, and Anna Beth and I were having prayer time. She interrupted me and said, "Mommy, I asked Jesus in my heart" "You did?" I asked. "Where is he now?" "He's in my heart" said Anna Beth. I talked to her about the fact that Jesus cannot live in the same place where there is sin and then I went through what sin was with her. She agreed and stated that Jesus did live in her heart. We went on with our prayer time and thanked Jesus for living in her heart.
I got up from the bed and went and shared with Daddy what had happened and we both came to a realization. Salvation does not have to be a complicated process. I had always pictured having a conversation with Anna Beth in front of an open Bible and kneeling down and praying. For her, this was not important. At 3 years old, she understands that Jesus is real, she loves Him, He loves her and that He wants to have a relationship with her. Simple! I know that in time, she will come to understand on a greater level but right now she has faith that is bigger than even Brian and I can understand. God is more real to her at 3 than He is to us in many ways. She considers Him through-out her day when, as adults, we often schedule time to think about Him.
There will come a time that Anna Beth will realize the depth of God's love for her and how He expressed that through the death of His son Jesus. For now, I believe that my child has Jesus in her heart because she states this to me with authority. I am a very grateful Mommy. Grateful that God has made Himself so real to my little girl, that she believes in Him at a very young age, grateful that I am able to hear her strong faith and grateful to be the mommy of such a special little girl!
Anna Beth completely relaxed after we made the move and seems to have settled, She has gotten over the separation issues and has been taking life by storm once again. We have enjoyed a more peaceful Anna Beth although it is never completely calm when she is around. Drama is common with her but more manageable now that we are in our house.
Brian and I have been focusing on Obedience with Anna Beth lately and making her aware of the people that she hurts when she disobeys. Some of you will recognize this definition... Obedience is doing WHAT I'm told to do, WHEN I'm told to do it, WITH a happy heart. Anna Beth can quote it by heart and I use it just about every time we have a "moment." She has been more aware of whom her actions are affecting, especially Jesus. About 2 weeks ago, I was filling up the car and Anna Beth had been quoting the pledge of allegiance for about 20 minutes so I had begun to tune her out. All of the sudden she said, "Mommy, Jesus lives in my heart!" I said, "yes, Jesus can live in your heart if you ask Him to come live in your heart and forgive you for your disobedience." (We have not used the word "sin" yet so I had to break it down) I have not heard any other comments from her on this subject until October 30th. I was putting Anna Beth to bed, which is unusual in our home, and Anna Beth and I were having prayer time. She interrupted me and said, "Mommy, I asked Jesus in my heart" "You did?" I asked. "Where is he now?" "He's in my heart" said Anna Beth. I talked to her about the fact that Jesus cannot live in the same place where there is sin and then I went through what sin was with her. She agreed and stated that Jesus did live in her heart. We went on with our prayer time and thanked Jesus for living in her heart.
I got up from the bed and went and shared with Daddy what had happened and we both came to a realization. Salvation does not have to be a complicated process. I had always pictured having a conversation with Anna Beth in front of an open Bible and kneeling down and praying. For her, this was not important. At 3 years old, she understands that Jesus is real, she loves Him, He loves her and that He wants to have a relationship with her. Simple! I know that in time, she will come to understand on a greater level but right now she has faith that is bigger than even Brian and I can understand. God is more real to her at 3 than He is to us in many ways. She considers Him through-out her day when, as adults, we often schedule time to think about Him.
There will come a time that Anna Beth will realize the depth of God's love for her and how He expressed that through the death of His son Jesus. For now, I believe that my child has Jesus in her heart because she states this to me with authority. I am a very grateful Mommy. Grateful that God has made Himself so real to my little girl, that she believes in Him at a very young age, grateful that I am able to hear her strong faith and grateful to be the mommy of such a special little girl!
Friday, September 12, 2008
"No More Mommy!"
Ok, so yesterday I reached the point that I was just tired of being a Mommy! There, I said it!~ I am being as honest and raw as I can be. Anna Beth has just been having a really difficult few weeks and I am emotionally drained. There is so much guilt that goes along with knowing that I am in this place. She needs me so much but I need a break from being needed! It does not help that Brian and I have not had an evening away from her since the middle of June. I love her dearly but I just grow weary of all the battles. She doesn't want to go to Sunday School, or preschool or get dressed, or does not want to wear one of the 3 outfits that I picked for her to choose from. She wants mac and cheese but not on that plate, she does not want that cup but this one, it goes on and on....
I called Brian yesterday and told him that I was coming to his Upwards Flag Football practice because I did not want to be alone with her anymore! Tears were pouring down my face all the way to the football field and I was praying and asking God what more can I do to help her through this? I want to raise her with love, discipline and Jesus being the reason we make good choices. There are times that I just want to throw in the towel because of the work that goes with that. I know that I can't because I know the lifelong consequences of that choice but there are days that even prayer do not seem enough! At the football field were other mothers from our church that dared to ask me how I was doing and I was blunt. I was instantly encouraged as they began to tell me that they had all been through the same thing and there was an end to this. The guilt over feeling this way was lifted and I was allowed to feel hurt and sad.
After talking through this with Brian last night, we started to realize some of the fears that Anna Beth is going through right now. A few weeks ago, we put our house on the market and began the conversation about moving with her so she could be mentally prepared. (Anna Beth needs plans to feel safe) In the process of preparing the house to sell, we decided to move Anna Beth's cat to my sister's house so we would not have to deal with the pet issues in selling the house. We knew that Anna Beth would have a little trouble with this but I do not think that we realized just how much. Anna Beth thinks of Bootsie as part of the family. When she talks about her family, it is mommy, daddy, Anna Beth and Bootsie. There is no distinction that Bootsie is a cat! She also started back to preschool around the same time, started dance classes and has no understanding of what moving entails. She has this great fear that we are going to leave her right now and I think that in her little mind, if we would leave Bootsie, why would we not leave her? She has also been every unsure of leaving anything behind. As we talked, my heart just began to hurt for her as I realized what we have asked of her in the last few weeks. Anna Beth's greatest fear is being separated from us!
I really do not how to ease her fears except to constantly reassure her that we would never leave her where it was not safe and we will always come back for her. Walking through that conversation did not change the circumstances that we are going through with Anna Beth right now but it has made me more compassionate towards her. Discipline is an even greater responsibility right now because there is safety in boundaries. Right now it is important for her to have that picture of the cat on the fridge even though I am trying to keep things clean. So much of me wants to be selfish and walk away from the frustration of the moment but I know that God will allow that time later and right now He has asked me to give more of myself than I think able because He wants my dependence on Him!
I called Brian yesterday and told him that I was coming to his Upwards Flag Football practice because I did not want to be alone with her anymore! Tears were pouring down my face all the way to the football field and I was praying and asking God what more can I do to help her through this? I want to raise her with love, discipline and Jesus being the reason we make good choices. There are times that I just want to throw in the towel because of the work that goes with that. I know that I can't because I know the lifelong consequences of that choice but there are days that even prayer do not seem enough! At the football field were other mothers from our church that dared to ask me how I was doing and I was blunt. I was instantly encouraged as they began to tell me that they had all been through the same thing and there was an end to this. The guilt over feeling this way was lifted and I was allowed to feel hurt and sad.
After talking through this with Brian last night, we started to realize some of the fears that Anna Beth is going through right now. A few weeks ago, we put our house on the market and began the conversation about moving with her so she could be mentally prepared. (Anna Beth needs plans to feel safe) In the process of preparing the house to sell, we decided to move Anna Beth's cat to my sister's house so we would not have to deal with the pet issues in selling the house. We knew that Anna Beth would have a little trouble with this but I do not think that we realized just how much. Anna Beth thinks of Bootsie as part of the family. When she talks about her family, it is mommy, daddy, Anna Beth and Bootsie. There is no distinction that Bootsie is a cat! She also started back to preschool around the same time, started dance classes and has no understanding of what moving entails. She has this great fear that we are going to leave her right now and I think that in her little mind, if we would leave Bootsie, why would we not leave her? She has also been every unsure of leaving anything behind. As we talked, my heart just began to hurt for her as I realized what we have asked of her in the last few weeks. Anna Beth's greatest fear is being separated from us!
I really do not how to ease her fears except to constantly reassure her that we would never leave her where it was not safe and we will always come back for her. Walking through that conversation did not change the circumstances that we are going through with Anna Beth right now but it has made me more compassionate towards her. Discipline is an even greater responsibility right now because there is safety in boundaries. Right now it is important for her to have that picture of the cat on the fridge even though I am trying to keep things clean. So much of me wants to be selfish and walk away from the frustration of the moment but I know that God will allow that time later and right now He has asked me to give more of myself than I think able because He wants my dependence on Him!
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
How's the Teeth?
Anna Beth had her first dentist appointment today! We had been talking it up big for the last few days and preparing her for the noises and things that she would see so she was excited and thought that this was a really big girl thing to do. I woke her up and the first thing that she said was, "Is it time to go to the dentist?" We had trouble with the wardrobe as she wanted to dress up in Sunday clothes and we finally agreed to a simple Sunday dress and flip flops. She would not however wear panties as she had no Hello Kitty ones clean so we settled on her wearing a pull-up. I as a little surprised at this decision as she has not wanted to wear pull-ups in several months but I went with it to keep the peace and move on. We arrived at the dentist office with camera in tow for Daddy to see later. Her hygienist was wonderful with her. Anna Beth began to talk as soon as she left to go get the dentist to check her teeth. "Mommy, my dentist has a sink and my dentist has a TV in the ceiling and my dentist has..." This went one until she arrived back! lol Poor thing had a sad report on her teeth as she has chipped every front tooth that she has, in fact one of them is loose. We brush her teeth twice a day but she still has a few stains from the chips that she has developed over the last 3 years. No cavities that they could find but my poor dear is just clumsy and will have to deal with the result of this until her teeth fall out and she can start over. Anna Beth's gums were actually bruised as she had run into a door handle last night and we think that this is what made her "orange tooth" (as she calls it, it is stained) loose. The dentist actually mentioned fixing the offending tooth but I really see no reason for it unless Anna Beth gets really self-conscious.
Brian and I have been a bit amazed lately at how much Anna Beth has changed in the last couple of weeks. It is like she is on a quest to learn at least 100 new things each day and she will not be quiet until she figures it all out. Yet she still sounds so young at the same time. Marsh mellows are still smarchmellows and hic-ups are still make-ups but at the same time she asks the really deep questions. She has really in been into figuring out the differences between girls and boys and even her and I. Some of the stuff she has said sends us into real giggles. Below is a few of the conversations that we have had lately...
"Mommy, why does Daddy have 2 bottoms and we only have 1?"
"Mommy, (as she is looking at her chest) my boobs don't lift up!"
"Mommy, I have hair growing on my arms"
"Mommy, Daddy has hair on his belly but we don't... that's funny!"
"Mommy, do you remember that black lady?" said Anna Beth. "What black lady?" I asked(I was a little surprised by this statement as we have never referred to anyone by their skin color before.) "You know, she had black hair" Now it all made sense to me! LOL
Anna Beth on the phone with Daddy... "Daddy, I not cry today." This was not true so I heard Brian telling her that this is not what Mommy said so Anna Beth said, " I know but after I stop crying I not cry again all day!"
Anna Beth in the bathtub with her water babies was heard saying... "What did you do? That was not a good choice! Ok that's all right.... You did a great job!"
Daddy and Anna Beth were coloring together "Daddy, you did a great job!" (She has always been a great encourager and sharer)
"Mommy you are beautiful and I love you!"
"Daddy, Mommy and me, we are a family! I love my family!"
"Jesus, I sorry for not listening to Daddy"
We have also been going through a real separation anxiety phase lately and I am not sure what to do about it. The other day when I dropped her off at school, she actually was laying in the floor with a death grip on my ankle, screaming at the top of her lungs. She has also been crying at Sunday school. Anna Beth has been going to dance class for about 4 weeks now and loves it but this last week she sat outside the door with me and did all the dance moves but refused to go in for the first 20 minutes. She has been changing so fast that I sometimes wonder if she is feeling fearful because she does not need me as much.
We are daily in awe of the little girl that God gave us and so excited when she talks about Jesus in daily conversation. Being her parents has been one of the most trying and rewarding tasks that has ever been set before us!
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Funny Ramblings...
Anna Beth has been so funny lately with the things coming out of her mouth. This last Saturday we were out looking at houses and made a stop for lunch. Anna Beth and I made a detour to the bathroom and finished up by washing our hands (of course!). The paper towel dispenser was automatic and would dispense another towel as soon as you tore it off. I grabbed one for myself and Anna Beth. When it spit out another Anna Beth looked up at it and said, "We have enough but thank you!" It was so funny but for the life of her she could no figure out why Mommy was laughing.
On last Thursday, I was driving home with Anna Beth from an errand and she began to talk about Jesus. She spends a lot of time trying to figure Him out and we have had many conversations related to this. Anna Beth began to tell me that Jesus was in the seat next to her and was buckled up to be safe. I am glad that she is so aware of His presence but sometimes it is hard not to laugh out loud when she is so literal.
Tonight, I was running the dryer and Brian's shorts were kicking up a bunch of noise. (He has a metal buckle on them) Anna Beth leaned over to me and said, "Mommy, it sounds like popcorn" The girl does love her popcorn.
The pictures attached are from the fountains in front of the court house in downtown Nashville. I was shooting some senior photos for a friend of mine. Anna Beth had been great for the 3 hours of pictures and I let her get soaking wet. She came home in some extra panties that were in her bag and froze in the car. I asked her if it was worth if and she said YES!
On last Thursday, I was driving home with Anna Beth from an errand and she began to talk about Jesus. She spends a lot of time trying to figure Him out and we have had many conversations related to this. Anna Beth began to tell me that Jesus was in the seat next to her and was buckled up to be safe. I am glad that she is so aware of His presence but sometimes it is hard not to laugh out loud when she is so literal.
Tonight, I was running the dryer and Brian's shorts were kicking up a bunch of noise. (He has a metal buckle on them) Anna Beth leaned over to me and said, "Mommy, it sounds like popcorn" The girl does love her popcorn.
The pictures attached are from the fountains in front of the court house in downtown Nashville. I was shooting some senior photos for a friend of mine. Anna Beth had been great for the 3 hours of pictures and I let her get soaking wet. She came home in some extra panties that were in her bag and froze in the car. I asked her if it was worth if and she said YES!
Friday, August 1, 2008
Visions from the past...
After flipping through Facebook, I have been faced with visions of my past and realized just how much they have shaped me and here is how...
My mother grew up in an abusive home and for years struggled with her anger and fears. That was demonstrated through the way that she disciplined me. For years, I hid bruises and lived in fear. Mom never meant to hurt me but truly was just raising me the way that she had been taught. My teens were difficult as our relationship was a struggle. At 16, I was molested by a boy in our youth group and at 19, I was date raped. I had learned to hide things from my parents that could cause friction and thus I remained quiet and led my parents to believe that I had just been rebellious and strayed.
My early 20's was a time of renewal in Christ and my relationship with the Lord grew to such that I was awed by Him everyday. I was accepted by a ministry that traveled across the country teaching about personal revival. This is the time where I learned to hide my fears and emotions from other believers. As a children's minister, I thrived! I delved deep into the Word and sought out the truth. My personal truth was my worst enemy at the time. In that type of ministry, people do not want to hear that you are vulnerable and raw. I saw some amazing things and truly believe that God had a strong hand on that ministry but there were times that I was driven by the leaders to search for hidden sins that only caused me to become depressed and fearful. We called this a "witch hunt for sin" Instead of allowing God to show us our sin, we went looking for it! Staying in "host" homes was my biggest downfall. Fears from my past surfaced and I could not put into words the hurt and healing that was taking place in my heart. This was interpreted again as rebellion and caused such great grief that I began to struggle with eating and sleeping. In the end, I left the ministry before the end of my 3rd year. Staying was just too painful and yet I struggled for years as I felt that I had failed to complete the task set before me. This was one of the darkest times in my life as I felt completely alone.
It took me a full year before I could go back and become a part of church. The church that I returned to was not the church that I had left 3 1/2 years earlier. The church had split and become bitter and hard. Several people in the church were angry and blamed the ministry that I had been a part of for destroying the church and I found that again, my "safe haven" was no safe place. God was so faithful to me during that time and continued to mold my heart in the image of Him. I finally found a church that I could become a part of and began to work in the Children's Ministry there. It was an amazing time and I grew in my faith much as I wrote and developed the Bible curriculum. Children have a way of restoring your faith in people and old wounds began to heal.
During this time, we discovered that my Grandmother had Alzheimer's. I bought a house and moved her in with me. The next 2 years were spent working during the day with special needs children and picking Grammy up from adult daycare at the end of the day. That was personally a very draining time for me. She threw books, coffee mugs and various other items at my head as she could not express her anger and frustration very well. My evenings were spent putting the knobs back on the stove to fix dinner, cleaning up, pulling stuff out of the trash that she had thrown away such as pictures, Bibles and jewelry, fishing stuff out of toilets and finally getting her bathed and to bed. In the end, Grammy was getting up about 3 times every night and getting lost in the house. Usually she was looking for the bathroom so putting her back to bed meant cleaning up messes and tucking her in. After 2 years, I realized that I could no longer cope and it was time to move Grammy to an assisted living center.
My sister moved into the house with me and I decided to get back into the real world. I started surfing the net and spending time with my Bible study buddies. It was a time of refreshment and delight at what God had led me through. During this time, I met the love of my life on a dating web site. Brian traveled back and forth for months from Nashville, TN to my home town of Jackson, TN. He was a professional drummer and was the sweetest thing on this side of heaven. God had given me a man of wisdom and one fully devoted to loving me! We were married on January 24th, 2004, just 11 months after having met online! I moved to Nashville and finally began the journey of opening my heart up to others.
God has been so faithful to me during the darkest of times and He has lead me to a church that loves the faults as much as the gifts. As Brian and my friends have slowly pulled away the layers of fear on my heart, I have found a sense of redemption in Christ for the first time in my life. I had never experienced unconditional love here on earth. There were always stipulations and clauses. I have known in my head that I was loved by God but the last 4 1/2 years has been the first time that I have ever seen it manifested. My daughter has been a gateway to forgiving and understanding my Mom. While I had chosen to forgive in the past, I began to understand her on a level that was not possible until I had a child of my own. I have loved getting to know my parents in a new way, There are treasures here on earth that were given to me to mold me into the image of God. I am no Grecian Urn but I have found that I am still special. All the knobby points and craters on my shell are my signs of growth. This is my journey to date and I am excited to see the testimony that will continue in my heart. I am forever grateful that God gave me the strength and grace to send me through the fire. My heart is full of joy and I am daily reminded of the life that He saved me from as I watch the world around me. He could have allowed me to be the one that was raised in a house of drugs and prostitution and yet He did not. My heavenly Father chose to send me along a path, that while hard, was not unconquerable with His direction and strength.
My mother grew up in an abusive home and for years struggled with her anger and fears. That was demonstrated through the way that she disciplined me. For years, I hid bruises and lived in fear. Mom never meant to hurt me but truly was just raising me the way that she had been taught. My teens were difficult as our relationship was a struggle. At 16, I was molested by a boy in our youth group and at 19, I was date raped. I had learned to hide things from my parents that could cause friction and thus I remained quiet and led my parents to believe that I had just been rebellious and strayed.
My early 20's was a time of renewal in Christ and my relationship with the Lord grew to such that I was awed by Him everyday. I was accepted by a ministry that traveled across the country teaching about personal revival. This is the time where I learned to hide my fears and emotions from other believers. As a children's minister, I thrived! I delved deep into the Word and sought out the truth. My personal truth was my worst enemy at the time. In that type of ministry, people do not want to hear that you are vulnerable and raw. I saw some amazing things and truly believe that God had a strong hand on that ministry but there were times that I was driven by the leaders to search for hidden sins that only caused me to become depressed and fearful. We called this a "witch hunt for sin" Instead of allowing God to show us our sin, we went looking for it! Staying in "host" homes was my biggest downfall. Fears from my past surfaced and I could not put into words the hurt and healing that was taking place in my heart. This was interpreted again as rebellion and caused such great grief that I began to struggle with eating and sleeping. In the end, I left the ministry before the end of my 3rd year. Staying was just too painful and yet I struggled for years as I felt that I had failed to complete the task set before me. This was one of the darkest times in my life as I felt completely alone.
It took me a full year before I could go back and become a part of church. The church that I returned to was not the church that I had left 3 1/2 years earlier. The church had split and become bitter and hard. Several people in the church were angry and blamed the ministry that I had been a part of for destroying the church and I found that again, my "safe haven" was no safe place. God was so faithful to me during that time and continued to mold my heart in the image of Him. I finally found a church that I could become a part of and began to work in the Children's Ministry there. It was an amazing time and I grew in my faith much as I wrote and developed the Bible curriculum. Children have a way of restoring your faith in people and old wounds began to heal.
During this time, we discovered that my Grandmother had Alzheimer's. I bought a house and moved her in with me. The next 2 years were spent working during the day with special needs children and picking Grammy up from adult daycare at the end of the day. That was personally a very draining time for me. She threw books, coffee mugs and various other items at my head as she could not express her anger and frustration very well. My evenings were spent putting the knobs back on the stove to fix dinner, cleaning up, pulling stuff out of the trash that she had thrown away such as pictures, Bibles and jewelry, fishing stuff out of toilets and finally getting her bathed and to bed. In the end, Grammy was getting up about 3 times every night and getting lost in the house. Usually she was looking for the bathroom so putting her back to bed meant cleaning up messes and tucking her in. After 2 years, I realized that I could no longer cope and it was time to move Grammy to an assisted living center.
My sister moved into the house with me and I decided to get back into the real world. I started surfing the net and spending time with my Bible study buddies. It was a time of refreshment and delight at what God had led me through. During this time, I met the love of my life on a dating web site. Brian traveled back and forth for months from Nashville, TN to my home town of Jackson, TN. He was a professional drummer and was the sweetest thing on this side of heaven. God had given me a man of wisdom and one fully devoted to loving me! We were married on January 24th, 2004, just 11 months after having met online! I moved to Nashville and finally began the journey of opening my heart up to others.
God has been so faithful to me during the darkest of times and He has lead me to a church that loves the faults as much as the gifts. As Brian and my friends have slowly pulled away the layers of fear on my heart, I have found a sense of redemption in Christ for the first time in my life. I had never experienced unconditional love here on earth. There were always stipulations and clauses. I have known in my head that I was loved by God but the last 4 1/2 years has been the first time that I have ever seen it manifested. My daughter has been a gateway to forgiving and understanding my Mom. While I had chosen to forgive in the past, I began to understand her on a level that was not possible until I had a child of my own. I have loved getting to know my parents in a new way, There are treasures here on earth that were given to me to mold me into the image of God. I am no Grecian Urn but I have found that I am still special. All the knobby points and craters on my shell are my signs of growth. This is my journey to date and I am excited to see the testimony that will continue in my heart. I am forever grateful that God gave me the strength and grace to send me through the fire. My heart is full of joy and I am daily reminded of the life that He saved me from as I watch the world around me. He could have allowed me to be the one that was raised in a house of drugs and prostitution and yet He did not. My heavenly Father chose to send me along a path, that while hard, was not unconquerable with His direction and strength.
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