She is Complicated…

This is Anna Beth…yes, she is complicated.

She is my heart walking outside my body. She is a miniature adult…seriously, you have no idea how many people have told me this. From teachers, to principals, to peeps on the street. She is not the child I expected her to be….she is better but Oh sooo complicated. Raising her has been the single hardest thing Brian and I have ever done in our entire lives.

From birth, this child has challenged and pushed the boundries of what I understood about kids. I used to be a Children’s minister. I had worked with kids for 20 years before I had her and I have never met another kid like her.
For years Brian and I, as well as the rest of the family showered her with toys. She HATES getting toys! The only thing that toys do for her is to satisfy her need to organize. We now buy her folders, desk organization tools, label maker, markers and notebooks instead.

Anna Beth does not have a typical imagination. She HATES princesses, and as a little one, would look at you dumb-founded if you tried to pretend a baby doll was real. If we tried to get her to name her stuffed animals or babies, all we would get is…”Doll…it is a doll!” She would rather be catching frogs and then googling facts on different types of them then having a tea party. Last Saturday, she was so excited because daddy sat down with her and helped her create a power point on the different phases of the moon. I.AM.SO.NOT.KIDDING! This was not required school work, she just wanted to do a report because it is fun. #facepalm

Friends…this one is hard and has become the source of many tears in the last couple of years. As I said before, Anna Beth does not PLAY, she ORGANIZES. She typically only talks to adults or kids younger than herself. The reason for this is, she always leads. Not because she feels the need to, but because she cannot stand for there to be no structure to playtime. This can often cause conflict. I have picked her up from aftercare and seen her at the front of the line, at the tire swing. Not actually swinging herself but organizing the play. She keeps time and tells others when to get on and off so that everyone can have a turn. It is her way of protecting the kids that get left out. I have driven up recently and seen her sitting in a chair with 6 smaller kids sitting on the ground around her. She was ‘teaching” them about how to help a tree grown healthy and strong.

Her peers just don’t know what to do with her. Being with her, is like being with another adult and they want to PLAY. AB’s goal is to protect all the ones getting left out or picked on. To make sure everyone is playing fair. Their goal is to play like typical kids. If you have ever sent your kiddo to a sleepover or play date at my house. They will be busy the entire time. I plan structured activities for the entire time. I am always there and involved in the play time. The reason? So Anna Beth and her friend can play on an equal level and not feel like she has to organize the play time.

Many conversations have taken place of late about who she is as a person. She notices when she does not get invited to birthday parties. When she gets left out of play groups. When girls tend to avoid her. In all of her LEADING, she is still incredibly sensitive and is devastated when she thinks she has offended someone. This is when parenting Anna Beth gets really hard. To explain to a 9 year old girl that God made her perfect, just the way she is. BUT with her personality, there are, at times, conflict with what the world expects from her. That right now, it will be hard for her to make friends. That she will get yelled at, pushed away and hurt. That sometimes, people’s perception of who she is, is different than the reality. For now, as her parents, we just encourage her to continue being who she is. To not allow the pain she experiences, change the way she responds to the world. We have to let her know, that right now, growing up for the next few years, will be incredibly tough. BUT someday, what others see as weaknesses, they will then see as her strengths.

As her parents, we fight for her to be understood with adults in authority over her. We are sooo grateful when we find the few that pay attention and GET her. They find ways to encourage her and play to her strengths. They come alongside us and helps us guide her in learning how to converse with her peers. We work to teach her how to love people just as they are rather than her forcing them to follow the rules. We help her to understand that the world is NOT fair and there will always be some that get left behind. That God has given her the gift of a sensitive heart to love them and reach out to them when others would not.

She is not perfect but she is oh sooo gentle and kind. She loves to please and don’t get me started on the pain of her drive for perfection! She once told me that she LOVES special needs kids. When asking her why she responded with, “Momma, they are so smart, just a different kind of smart.” Right now, her goal is to be a special needs teacher and personally, I think she would be fantastic at it. I am sure we will change careers several times before she actually gets to college. She is loyal to the point of being willing to get hurt to prove herself a person of her word. She hates to get others in trouble. She is passionate about life and there is always music playing in her head. (she gets that one from daddy) She loves to give hugs and never meets someone she does not like until they break her heart.

My girl is complicated and she has broken the mold as to what I THOUGHT a kid should be. She changed the way I thought parenting was to be done. I look into her face and I see the world differently. She has taught me much about actually looking at people’s hearts and their intent rather than my perception of them. God shook up my world when He entrusted her to us. I am not anxious to see where God will use her one day because I am content watching who she is now. She has turned me into a warrior when needed and a weeping mess when she is hurt. I love her so very much and am grateful to be her momma!

Birth Pains of Adoption

It has been 2 years since we started the process of adoption and it really is stacks of paperwork, phone calls, running over to this place for fingerprinting, running to the vet for shot records, running to get physicals, filling out questionnaires, saving money, etc.. BUT if you asked me what the hardest part of the adoption process is, I would say…waiting. Every other part of the process has a beginning and an end. Waiting is a painful journey that is filled with questioning God’s calling, filled with tears, filled with prayer and God stretching your faith.

We have had a few opportunities to pursue a child but none of them have ever really gotten off the ground until recently. A couple of months ago, we were contacted by our adoption agency about a little boy. I am going to admit it…I immediately fell in love with him. He was exactly what I had pictured God bringing into our family. It was complicated but not impossible. The little boy was being placed by another agency but had reached out to our agency as a partner, trying to find him the perfect family. He had some medical issues and the legal fees to adopt him rivaled that of an international adoption. But we felt God leading. We had his medical records reviewed by a doctor that specialized in adoptions and she told us of his serious issues. We contacted our local pediatrician that would be treating him so they could be prepared. We shared the news with Anna Beth, we started talking about decorating his room, Anna Beth daydreamed about reading him books, and we researched child care. Everything we were hearing back from the agency was very positive and we were the only family that wanted this little guy. The agency’s lawyer began drawing up paperwork to file the petition…

Then suddenly everything went wrong. Email after email, the situation grew more complicated and impossible. The costs grew greater and the chances of having him placed in our home started to grow dim. We finally received an email asking us to make a decision. It was painful…I have still not stopped grieving. Brian and I labored in prayer together and felt it was time to walk away. I felt like my heart was being ripped out. I laid in Brian’s arms and cried. I cried on the way to work and on the way home. We both had a complete peace about our decision but it still feels like I abandoned my child. I still look at his picture and pray that God will put someone in his path and that will teach him about the Lord. I pray for his protection. Though I never physically touched him, my life was changed.

Adoption is not a passing fancy. It is not something that just “seems like a good idea.” It grows in your heart and gets a death grip on you till you pursue it with abandon. It is a passion that God places in your family. This is not just about my desires, this is also about Brian’s and Anna Beth’s. My family is all in…Heart, head and sacrifice. Do you have any idea what it is like to tell a 9 year old girl that her dream of a specific sibling is gone? Her heart broke too.

God did not disappear and our trust in Him is not broken. Our faith in His calling is not shaken. We are going deeper with Him as we pray together as a family for our waiting child. When God does bring that child into our home, there will be no doubt he/she will be loved. There will be no doubt of our dedication to seeing him/her feel loved, accepted and taught about God’s purpose for his/her life. Adoption is a painful and beautiful plan that God created to protect His treasures. It is a perfect physical example of his Salvation plan for us. It is a process in which God has refined us and deepened our walk with Him. The birth pains of adoption are long and arduous but not impossible. Nothing is impossible if God is walking in it!

The Husband...

My marriage is one of the few things that I hold as sacred. I am sure that most of you are aware of the amazing man that I married but there are not that many that truly KNOW him. He claims that he is simple and easy to figure out and while that is partially true, he also does not often break out of his shell.

People laugh at our story when they hear it. In 2003 we both logged on to Christiancafe.com and created a profile. I was 30 yrs. old and practically a spinster, he a 28 yr. old drummer. He did a search on the website for girls 5 feet and under and my profile popped up. There was no picture but he messaged me anyway. He did request a picture pretty early on and I might have ran out, bought a scanner, in the pouring rain, locked myself out of the house and when I finally got in, scanned a glamour shot to him, which he promptly made fun of. Brian is NOT a fan of glamour shots! Four months later we were engaged and were married in 11 months from start to finish. Ten years later, we are still vastly different in our interests but the core values are still the same.

Over the years I have fallen more in love with the man I married. Most of you have seen this guy over the years...

He is strong in his passion for his God and family. He works hard to provide spiritually,mentally, emotionally, and financially for us. He has walked down dark roads with us displaying unwavering faith, unlimited love and steadfast devotion.

When Brian is relaxed and ready for fun you can catch him doing things like this...

The man is hysterical! Seriously! He finds fun in sneaking up on me in the house and scaring the daylights out of me. He dances around the house with the girl in what can only be described as "old white boy trying to get out of the 80's" and it usually has Anna Beth and I giggling till we have tears in our eyes.

Then there is this...

Yes, Shorty McShredd. It is a nod to his youth and he LOVES doing it. Once a year, we make the trek downtown for him to preform in the local Air Guitar competition. I have seen many of your baffled faces when you hear what he does. It is ok, I often have the same look. It is one of shock, admiration and questioning. I have watched him practice his routine and perform for 3 years. Every year, we walk into a place that I would never normally go and let me share with you what I see...The first year, no one knew him but they found him funny and he gained some respect. His performances are vastly different than the competition because he will not do something in the routine that he would not do in front of his daughter. The second year, people recognized him. I started noticing that they treated him with respect and when talking directly to him or I, they would refrain from cussing like a sailor. This third year, he walked in and was greeted warmly, people genuinely happy to see him, giving him hugs, and again showing a level of respect to him that they did not with each other. You see, my husband, in his quiet way, has proven that he is different. He has shown Christ in a place that many Christians would never step. I sat there amazed at what I was witnessing. My man, has become friends with these guys. He lives his life in front of them boldly but quietly. They know he has something they do not. They follow him on FB. They comment on his family and they watch him.

THIS is the man that I love so deeply. The man that leaves notes like this on my steering wheel a couple times a month...

The man that lays in bed reading with our girl each night and praying over her as she falls asleep. The man that puts away the laundry and scrubs the bathrooms when I ask. The man that refuses to go to bed until I go with him every night. The man that emails me every morning when he gets to work and tells me he is praying over me. The same man that prays out loud over us as we are making lunches and getting ready to walk out the door each day. He is not perfect...he is oBsessed with football. He gets grumpy the same as I do but he never stops loving us. He never stops encouraging us in our relationships with God.

I am grateful for the man that God fused my life with. I am proud to walk alongside him, therefore I cherish my marriage. I work hard to be the encouragement he needs. We work daily to serve each other. We learn and grow from the mistakes we make and we make time to talk about life together. Hold that thing God gave you sacred my friends. It is an incredible gift and picture of our relationship with our heavenly Father!

3rd Grade...That's A Wrap

This day...I remember it well. She was so excited about starting another year of school. It seems like a lifetime ago. I had no idea what lay ahead for her and had God allowed me to see it, I would have probably quit work, locked her in the house and started homeschooling that instant. God knows best and I am grateful that He protects us from seeing too far in the future.

This girl has amazed me with the resilience of her tender heart. Daddy and Mommy learned to hold our tongues when she needed to learn to stand up for herself and work it out. We also learned a lot about going into battle for our kiddo. The two of us have labored over emails to the principles, teachers and had calls with Fun Company staff like no other year before. We have watched her learn to adapt to a teacher that does not naturally nurture and encourage. I believe those two have learned much from each other this year about how to respond to vastly different personalities.

Anna Beth was slapped, punched, kicked, laughed at and bullied more than I thought she could possibly endure. But the one thing that has grieved this momma's heart more than anything else was being exposed to racism. Brian and I have quietly observed as AB developed her friendships on a deeper level. The child treats no one differently. Cultures, disabilites, different family dynamics, she opens her heart to anyone. We treasure that about her. We have prayed more than ever, that her heart remains open to differences in people.

That hope has been challenged this year. I have heard things like:

"Momma, my friends won't play with me anymore because I am not the same color as them."

"_______, said he wished his mom was not white because the darker kids will not play with him when they find out she is white."

"_______, made fun of me by saying people like me dance like this......and then they danced silly, then they said, "We dance like this!" and then they danced good."

"_______, said I was stupid and said she is going to slap my glasses off my face and break them. She said that because I am not the same color as her."

"Momma, why do they make you say what color you are on the TCAP? Why does that matter?"

Almost EVERY.SNGLE.DAY we have walked through these conversations as a family. I have walked away with tears in my eyes as I have watched her heart break at the rejection. We have talked much about extending grace. Understanding that others are hurting and don't understand that Jesus loves them soooo much. That sometimes others will hurt people they don't understand. We have talked about when to walk away but still pray for their hearts.

She has toughened but she has not broken. We have observed her befriend kids that bully her. She is full of second chances. Anna Beth has taught this momma much about what God would want us to do on the playground.

With all these changes over the year, Anna Beth is maturing. She has gone from a kid that wants to do EVERYTHING to a young lady that is narrowing down her interests. She has focused her energy this year on exercise and violin. She is choosing to quit her Girl Scouts after this summer,(been in GS since Kindergarten) and based upon the recommendation or her violin teacher, she wants to pursue trying out for a youth orchestra. We still have moments like this... to moments like this... and this...

Do I have a clue as to what her future holds? I have no idea but I will tell you...she is special. I know that everybody says that about their kids but, God has His hand on her in a unique way. It has been amazing to watch her mature this year but I know the time is coming for me to grow quiet as she gets older. She will need me to quietly guard her secrets and protect her trust in our relationship. I have been honored to support her and walk through this difficult year together. It has been a painful, beautiful journey that will help define the way she views the world. As parents, we are often overwhelmed with the enormity of the responsibility to cement her belief in God before she walks away from the security of our nest. Brian sends her off each day prepared with prayer and we entrust her to the Lord to protect her heart. I am grateful we can wrap up this year and I purpose to not be anxious for the unknown in our future.

We are proud of her accomplishments. She took pride in her work and managed to remain on the honor roll every semester this year and even finished the last semester on the Principle's List. Anna Beth,her Nana and Papa are taking off for some R&R in the mountains for the rest of the week and then we will celebrate summer to the fullest with hopes for a fresh start next year. Grateful for this girl!

Mother's Day Gift 2014

So Anna Beth made me a gift at school this year. I laughed, I cried, I was grateful for her heart.

The Questions & Answers Listed:

1. What do you LOVE TO DO THE MOST with your Mom? Cook
2. Complete this sentence, "My mom is as pretty as_____." Me
3. What's the SMARTEST thing your mom has ever told you? Longitude and Latitude
4. If you could give your mom ANYTHING in the world, what would it be? A new clean car
5. What kind of stuff is your mom REALLY GOOD AT? making food
6. If you could CHANGE ONE THING about your mom, what would it be? that she didn't have kancer
7. What's the ONE THING that you think your mom should do less of? dance in front of my friends
8. What's the ONE THING you think your mom should do more of? snugle with me
9. What does your mom like to do to RELAX? read or watch T.V
10. What do you think your mom was like BEFORE SHE HAD KIDS? more energetic
11. What's your mom's FAVORITE FOOD and FAVORITE DRINK? crab legs and ice cold water
12. What's the CRAZIEST THING you've ever seen your mom do? booty bump my dad
13. Complete this sentence. "I know my mom loves me because she spends lot of time with me.

I have said it before and I will say it again, blessed to be her momma!

The Hope...

Last weekend we were at the Opry Mills Mall and walked past a Kiosk. I saw this sign…

. And tears started pouring down my face. I walked half way through that mall with tears pouring. I could not stop them. My heart hurt as I longed for a child I cannot hold but only imagine. Someday I will come back and get this sign. Someday…..

Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.
-Hebrews 11:1

This verse I have clung tightly to this week. It is the mirror of my heart and a promise to not stop believing in our child that we have yet to meet. The three of us spend time talking and dreaming about how God will use this child to change us and us to change him/her. This is a scary investment. This is taking a risk with our hearts. Brian and I understand the risk but I worry about the risk to Anna Beth’s. She prays for her brother/sister. She firmly believes God is working and preparing us all. It is a blind faith. It is terrifyingly beautiful and it is growing us in ways that I never thought possible. We are preparing with prayer, preparing with confidence and preparing in hope.

Bike Ride Observations

So Anna Beth and I loaded up our bikes and headed out for our first real bike ride together. I have several observations:

1. We need a bike rack cause 2 bikes are a tight fit with the girl in the back seat.

2. My bike seat is too high and it is like jumping off a cliff when climbing off.
3. While it may appear that I have plenty of fluff on my backside, it is no match for my bike seat! (It should be noted that my bike is the same bike that I have had since I was 15 years old and it has been about 15 yrs. since I have ridden it)

4. Anna Beth needs more practice because she drives erratically. There was A LOT of stopping and swerving.
5. Anna Beth had her first bike wreck and learned her lesson about her knee and elbow pads. That did not stop daddy from preaching about it when we got home. :)
6. It is best to always know where you are going or a simple 3 mile bike ride can quickly turn into a 7 mile bike ride consisting of circles.
7. Mommy gets snippy when she is lost!
8. Anna Beth is NO help at all in loading and unloading the bikes.
9. Mommy now walks like a 41 yr. old that has not been on a bike in 15 yrs.

10. Totally worth it and we will be doing to again soon. Maybe with a GPS and a bike rack though!