Last week was a week that God poured out grace on our family. Monday started out with Anna Beth getting sick. Brian stayed home with her Tuesday and took her to the doctor so I could go in for my chemo treatment. unfortunately, she tested positive for the flu and she was kind enough to pass it off to me. LOL Wednesday night we landed in the ER due to Anna Beth having an asthma attack that we could not get under control. Thursday, I went to the doctor and tested positive for the flu. I was not able to keep anything down for about 24 hours so Monday morning I freaked my husband out by passing out in the bathtub. Next thing I knew, I was in an ambulance headed to the Vandy ER. Turns out that I was so severely dehydrated that my blood pressure was dangerously low at 80/20. There started me on fluids right away and was able to stabilize me within a couple of hours. I was moved that afternoon to a more stable area of the ER where I was officially admitted to the hospital and spent the next 24 hours. Not sure if you have ever had to spend the night in the ER because the hospital beds are full but it is not very restful and sleeping on a stretcher can get painful. We survived and we able to head home on Saturday afternoon where I continued to recoup.
Brian and I have spent alot of time reflecting on the past 6 months as we are nearing the end of chemo. Just one more week to be exact. We continue to be amazed at how God has walked us through this entire process. My clinical trial nurse stated Tuesday that she has never had a patient whose body had taken such a beating through chemo. Yet, I feel blessed. At every turn God has provided, carried us when we were to overwhelmed to go on and has sent people to encourage us. Gratefulness has continued to be our theme and will continue to be so.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
God Focused
Today I was told that the chemo would most likely send me into menopause. Grief consumed. It was as if the last part of what makes me a woman was being taken away. The choice to have another child...gone! Once the tears stopped and I sought my Bible, I realized that Satan was trying to steal my joy. And my joy is Jesus Christ, my focus! I poured myself into verses speaking on grief because I believe that God allows us grief but we cannot allow it to consume us and rule our hearts in fear.
'And I gave my heart to know wisdom, and to know maddness and folly; I perceived that this is also vexation of the spirit. For in much wisdom is much grief and he that increaseth sorrow."
Ecc 17:18
"For the Lord will not cast off forever but though he cause grief, yet will he have compassion according to the multitude of his mercies."
Lam. 3:31-32
I then moved on in scripture to praise. Praise is required even in the hard times. Praise brings our focus back into perspective.
"Because thy loving kindness is better than life, my lips shall praise thee. Thus will I bless thee while I live; I will lift up my hands in thine name. My soul shall be satisfied as with marrow and fatness: and my mouth shall praise thee with joyful lips: when I remember thee on my bed and meditate on thee in the night watches. Because thou hast been my help, therefore in the shadow of thy wings will I rejoice. My soul followeth hard after thee; they right hand upholdeth me."
Ps 63:3-7
My last place to dwell was on the Proverbs 31 woman. I needed to be reminded of where a real woman's worth is placed. I want to reflect Christ and teach my child about honoring the head of our home. I want my husband to trust my heart and people to see Christ in my handiwork.
This process has been a roller coaster of emotions but I always have to come back and focus on Christ, who is my joy. In focusing on that joy, I see the abundance of what God has given to me and I do not deserve. I am a blessed child of the king and that King counts every sprout of new hair on my head. How amazing is it to know that your Father's love is so deep and vast that you cannot possibly fathom it!
I am not ashamed of my tears but am grateful that my heart leads me back to the cross and not down a path of bitterness and sorrow!
'And I gave my heart to know wisdom, and to know maddness and folly; I perceived that this is also vexation of the spirit. For in much wisdom is much grief and he that increaseth sorrow."
Ecc 17:18
"For the Lord will not cast off forever but though he cause grief, yet will he have compassion according to the multitude of his mercies."
Lam. 3:31-32
I then moved on in scripture to praise. Praise is required even in the hard times. Praise brings our focus back into perspective.
"Because thy loving kindness is better than life, my lips shall praise thee. Thus will I bless thee while I live; I will lift up my hands in thine name. My soul shall be satisfied as with marrow and fatness: and my mouth shall praise thee with joyful lips: when I remember thee on my bed and meditate on thee in the night watches. Because thou hast been my help, therefore in the shadow of thy wings will I rejoice. My soul followeth hard after thee; they right hand upholdeth me."
Ps 63:3-7
My last place to dwell was on the Proverbs 31 woman. I needed to be reminded of where a real woman's worth is placed. I want to reflect Christ and teach my child about honoring the head of our home. I want my husband to trust my heart and people to see Christ in my handiwork.
This process has been a roller coaster of emotions but I always have to come back and focus on Christ, who is my joy. In focusing on that joy, I see the abundance of what God has given to me and I do not deserve. I am a blessed child of the king and that King counts every sprout of new hair on my head. How amazing is it to know that your Father's love is so deep and vast that you cannot possibly fathom it!
I am not ashamed of my tears but am grateful that my heart leads me back to the cross and not down a path of bitterness and sorrow!
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Spirit of....
One of the things that has been really impressed uopn my heart in the last 6 months is a spirit of gratefulness. Now I am going to be gut wrenching honest here so if you cannot handle it, don't read it. It is really hard to be grateful that you are having diahrea so much that you are too weak to stand, or whan you cannot keep food down for days on end and standing in front of a fridge makes you weep, when your body aches for days on end to the point that you are only able to get about 3 hours of sleep a day, when you are weeping hysterically out of sheer exhaustion and your husband can do nothing but rub your bald head, when you watch your hair fall out in your hands, when you start watching your long eyelashes wash down the sink, when you are irritable and cannot control it because of the meds, when you are staring at your deformed body in the mirror. when you have to get poked with a 2 inch needle in your chest 2 times a week, when you get poked with a 3 inch needle and have saline injected into your chest once a week.
These are just the things that are happening to me! There is also watching the strain on your husband over finances and realizing he can do nothing to help you but love you. Watching your daughter get hurt when her friends make fun of your bald head, when your daughter is just hurt because you cannot get out of the bed and take care of her. The list goes on and on.... however the list of things to be grateful for is so much longer!~
I have discovered that gratefulness is a quiet mind-set of sheer determination, mixed with lots of prayer and a desire to glorify God in all things.
"But the Lord said to Samuel, "Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things man looks at but looks at the heart."
-1 Samuel 16:7
I have developed friendships that are beyond precious to me, have been given gifts beyond my wild imagination, been loved in ways that I did not think possible. Afterall, this is little old me and yet God had people reach out to me and my family and love on us in a way that only God can do. My realtionship with God has grown and my relationship with my husband has grown. My prayer life and my prayer life with my family and husband has increased and I have also found a new level of mercy for people around me.
Whne you strat looking for God, you find Him everywhere! If you don't stop looking you will never cease to be amazed at how awesome and wonderful He is. My family has been given the gift of fire so that we can see Him more clearly. I do not wish this fire on anyone but I pray that somehow, you encounter God in such an intense way that out of the outpouring of your heart...there flows gratefulness!
These are just the things that are happening to me! There is also watching the strain on your husband over finances and realizing he can do nothing to help you but love you. Watching your daughter get hurt when her friends make fun of your bald head, when your daughter is just hurt because you cannot get out of the bed and take care of her. The list goes on and on.... however the list of things to be grateful for is so much longer!~
I have discovered that gratefulness is a quiet mind-set of sheer determination, mixed with lots of prayer and a desire to glorify God in all things.
"But the Lord said to Samuel, "Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things man looks at but looks at the heart."
-1 Samuel 16:7
I have developed friendships that are beyond precious to me, have been given gifts beyond my wild imagination, been loved in ways that I did not think possible. Afterall, this is little old me and yet God had people reach out to me and my family and love on us in a way that only God can do. My realtionship with God has grown and my relationship with my husband has grown. My prayer life and my prayer life with my family and husband has increased and I have also found a new level of mercy for people around me.
Whne you strat looking for God, you find Him everywhere! If you don't stop looking you will never cease to be amazed at how awesome and wonderful He is. My family has been given the gift of fire so that we can see Him more clearly. I do not wish this fire on anyone but I pray that somehow, you encounter God in such an intense way that out of the outpouring of your heart...there flows gratefulness!
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Year of Joy
For some reason I feel the need to review the year. This is more for me to take delight in than for your enjoyment but you are welcome to read along as I walk through this year in words.
Jan 2010 was a rough time for me, or so I thought. I was facing a very difficult job. Brian had no job as the year dawned and I had very little hope but was weakly trying to trust my Lord. Trying is an interesting word. I have found for me, that it is a word that is used to justify my sinning rather than just blind obedience. Oh, I still use the word but I am learning to try less and do more. Now back to the task at hand... by mid-Jan Brian had received an offer of employment with Vanderbilt Cancer Access Center. I was thrilled at the future possibilities and the amazing answer to prayer.
I now felt that God was allowing me, my time, to remove myself from a difficult work environment and raise the income of our little family. I began the serious possibility of finding a new job. In the meantime, my boss found her golden ticket out of there and my hopes rose. By April, I had begun the interview process with Sommet group and took the job at the end of May. We all know how that turned out! LOL If you do not... just goggle it!
My dreams were crushed by July. I lost my job. I had landed and lost a job that would advance my career and was a huge lift to the family budget. I had also discovered a lump in my left breast, just before I took the job at Sommet and it was about to rear its ugly head! Three days before I was told I probably had breast cancer, I lost my job! We had been planning a trip to Disney World for 3 years and had to make a decision if we should go through with it or cash in our tickets so we could live off the money till I found a job. We had already paid a non-refundable week stay at a condo, we had already bought the tickets and we had the money in savings for food and gas. We made the decision, that our family needed this time together because our future looked very uncertain.
That vacation we managed to completely forget about the breast cancer and job loss for 3 days. When we did remember, we actually laughed at how wonderful it was to just have fun! God was giving us something special to remember and treasure in the months to come. We came back from that vacation ready to face what lay ahead. Oddly enough, I was never scared of the word cancer. Somehow, God had just prepared my heart for it and I knew that this was my path. I was sad at what I thought it was going to take from me but never really scared. Brian's reaction was different. He was not prepared but he faced it head on and was amazing. He did break down a few times but it was an amazing show of strength to me to see him face his fears and weep at what God was asking. I watched my husband thank God for choosing us, I watched him ask God to teach us and use us during this time. I watched my husband lead his family through the fire with confidence in His Father.
In August, we faced the mastectomy, October we began chemo and now we sit halfway through this process. It will be full year in the making but what a testament to God's faithfulness.
A friend joined me at chemo today and reminded me of the wonderful book of Isaiah so I came home and started flipping through it. It is quite possibly one of my favorite books. It takes you through almost every human emotion. I landed on Isiah 12:2-6 and could not stop the tears as it truly is the testimony of my heart.
"Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The Lord, The Lord, is my strength and song; he has become my salvation. With joy you will draw water from the wells of salvation. In that day you will say; Give thanks to the Lord, call on his name; make known among the nations what he has done and proclaim that his name is exalted. Sing to the Lord for he has done glorious things; let this be know to the world. Shout aloud and sing for joy, people of Zion, for great is the Holy One of Israel among you."
What a beautiful passage! This last year is a year of joy, hope and proclamation for me! Each time I was "trying" to trust God, He gently reminded me that He was in control. My husband workedd for the Cancer Cetner and got transferred to the Breast Center! How amazing is that?!Each week we got so low in funds that Brian, knew we were going to need some help, a check would come in the mail. Every time I began to lose hope and grow weary, God reminded me that He showed me that cancer. That my doctor listened to me and that it was found 2 and a half years before I was scheduled for that mammogram! Two years from now, would have been 2 late. Every time that I grew concerned about the toll this was taking on my daughter, God reminded me that He is protecting her heart and she is doing well in that face of everything. I am singing and shouting at the wonder of my God. What Satan intended for evil... God has turned into a beautiful testimony of God's saints taking care of each other and depending on Him for healing and protection!
Jan 2010 was a rough time for me, or so I thought. I was facing a very difficult job. Brian had no job as the year dawned and I had very little hope but was weakly trying to trust my Lord. Trying is an interesting word. I have found for me, that it is a word that is used to justify my sinning rather than just blind obedience. Oh, I still use the word but I am learning to try less and do more. Now back to the task at hand... by mid-Jan Brian had received an offer of employment with Vanderbilt Cancer Access Center. I was thrilled at the future possibilities and the amazing answer to prayer.
I now felt that God was allowing me, my time, to remove myself from a difficult work environment and raise the income of our little family. I began the serious possibility of finding a new job. In the meantime, my boss found her golden ticket out of there and my hopes rose. By April, I had begun the interview process with Sommet group and took the job at the end of May. We all know how that turned out! LOL If you do not... just goggle it!
My dreams were crushed by July. I lost my job. I had landed and lost a job that would advance my career and was a huge lift to the family budget. I had also discovered a lump in my left breast, just before I took the job at Sommet and it was about to rear its ugly head! Three days before I was told I probably had breast cancer, I lost my job! We had been planning a trip to Disney World for 3 years and had to make a decision if we should go through with it or cash in our tickets so we could live off the money till I found a job. We had already paid a non-refundable week stay at a condo, we had already bought the tickets and we had the money in savings for food and gas. We made the decision, that our family needed this time together because our future looked very uncertain.
That vacation we managed to completely forget about the breast cancer and job loss for 3 days. When we did remember, we actually laughed at how wonderful it was to just have fun! God was giving us something special to remember and treasure in the months to come. We came back from that vacation ready to face what lay ahead. Oddly enough, I was never scared of the word cancer. Somehow, God had just prepared my heart for it and I knew that this was my path. I was sad at what I thought it was going to take from me but never really scared. Brian's reaction was different. He was not prepared but he faced it head on and was amazing. He did break down a few times but it was an amazing show of strength to me to see him face his fears and weep at what God was asking. I watched my husband thank God for choosing us, I watched him ask God to teach us and use us during this time. I watched my husband lead his family through the fire with confidence in His Father.
In August, we faced the mastectomy, October we began chemo and now we sit halfway through this process. It will be full year in the making but what a testament to God's faithfulness.
A friend joined me at chemo today and reminded me of the wonderful book of Isaiah so I came home and started flipping through it. It is quite possibly one of my favorite books. It takes you through almost every human emotion. I landed on Isiah 12:2-6 and could not stop the tears as it truly is the testimony of my heart.
"Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The Lord, The Lord, is my strength and song; he has become my salvation. With joy you will draw water from the wells of salvation. In that day you will say; Give thanks to the Lord, call on his name; make known among the nations what he has done and proclaim that his name is exalted. Sing to the Lord for he has done glorious things; let this be know to the world. Shout aloud and sing for joy, people of Zion, for great is the Holy One of Israel among you."
What a beautiful passage! This last year is a year of joy, hope and proclamation for me! Each time I was "trying" to trust God, He gently reminded me that He was in control. My husband workedd for the Cancer Cetner and got transferred to the Breast Center! How amazing is that?!Each week we got so low in funds that Brian, knew we were going to need some help, a check would come in the mail. Every time I began to lose hope and grow weary, God reminded me that He showed me that cancer. That my doctor listened to me and that it was found 2 and a half years before I was scheduled for that mammogram! Two years from now, would have been 2 late. Every time that I grew concerned about the toll this was taking on my daughter, God reminded me that He is protecting her heart and she is doing well in that face of everything. I am singing and shouting at the wonder of my God. What Satan intended for evil... God has turned into a beautiful testimony of God's saints taking care of each other and depending on Him for healing and protection!
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Hitting the Wall
Hitting the wall can be quite painful. I have reached that place often lately and find myself retreating. It is hard to face my friends because they see and hear it in my voice. I am not supposed to be weak!The last few weeks have been overwhelming and difficult to wade through and I am just tired.
Tired of fighting ants on a daily and hourly basis. Tired of washing each and every dish in the house because the stupid dishwasher is broken and ants love dirty dishes. Tired of not being able to get out of bed except to crawl to the bathroom. Tired of standing in front of the fridge in tears, knowing I need to eat but not wanting to try. Tired of wondering if I will have work to do this week to help my husband with the bills and wondering if I will even have a job at the end of this. Tired of watching the weight of the world on my husband's shoulders. Tired of watching my daughter quietly try to understand why her world is so very different. Tired of just fighting a battle that never seems to end...
Every time I hit that emotional wall and land face first in the dirt, I see just how really weak that I am. God is there each and every time. Gently He picks me up and reminds me that I am trying to do it on my own again. I am trying to fix it, clean it up or carry a burden that I do not own. I can almost feel His mighty hand lifting my chin to look into His glory as He says, my child, you have forgotten that your strength and joy is found in Me! You are not trusting the One that created you and has prepared the way for you! Let go and remember that my yoke is meant to be light, not a means of restraint.
Again, I have traveled to Psalms where I am reminded of God's glory and holiness. Psalm 84 is becoming my heart cry as I dust off from my fall and accept God's grace in my weakness.
"1 How lovely is your dwelling place, LORD Almighty! 2 My soul yearns, even faints, for the courts of the LORD; my heart and my flesh cry out for the living God. 3 Even the sparrow has found a home, and the swallow a nest for herself, where she may have her young— a place near your altar, LORD Almighty, my King and my God. 4 Blessed are those who dwell in your house; they are ever praising you. 5 Blessed are those whose strength is in you, whose hearts are set on pilgrimage. 6 As they pass through the Valley of Baka, they make it a place of springs; the autumn rains also cover it with pools. 7 They go from strength to strength, till each appears before God in Zion. 8 Hear my prayer, LORD God Almighty; listen to me, God of Jacob. 9 Look on our shield, O God; look with favor on your anointed one. 10 Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere; I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of the wicked. 11 For the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD bestows favor and honor; no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless. 12 LORD Almighty, blessed is the one who trusts in you."
I want to live near the altar! I want my heart set on the pilgrimage! My goal is to go from strength to strength till I stand before God and I want my legacy to be that in all things... I trusted and praised the One that created me!
Tired of fighting ants on a daily and hourly basis. Tired of washing each and every dish in the house because the stupid dishwasher is broken and ants love dirty dishes. Tired of not being able to get out of bed except to crawl to the bathroom. Tired of standing in front of the fridge in tears, knowing I need to eat but not wanting to try. Tired of wondering if I will have work to do this week to help my husband with the bills and wondering if I will even have a job at the end of this. Tired of watching the weight of the world on my husband's shoulders. Tired of watching my daughter quietly try to understand why her world is so very different. Tired of just fighting a battle that never seems to end...
Every time I hit that emotional wall and land face first in the dirt, I see just how really weak that I am. God is there each and every time. Gently He picks me up and reminds me that I am trying to do it on my own again. I am trying to fix it, clean it up or carry a burden that I do not own. I can almost feel His mighty hand lifting my chin to look into His glory as He says, my child, you have forgotten that your strength and joy is found in Me! You are not trusting the One that created you and has prepared the way for you! Let go and remember that my yoke is meant to be light, not a means of restraint.
Again, I have traveled to Psalms where I am reminded of God's glory and holiness. Psalm 84 is becoming my heart cry as I dust off from my fall and accept God's grace in my weakness.
"1 How lovely is your dwelling place, LORD Almighty! 2 My soul yearns, even faints, for the courts of the LORD; my heart and my flesh cry out for the living God. 3 Even the sparrow has found a home, and the swallow a nest for herself, where she may have her young— a place near your altar, LORD Almighty, my King and my God. 4 Blessed are those who dwell in your house; they are ever praising you. 5 Blessed are those whose strength is in you, whose hearts are set on pilgrimage. 6 As they pass through the Valley of Baka, they make it a place of springs; the autumn rains also cover it with pools. 7 They go from strength to strength, till each appears before God in Zion. 8 Hear my prayer, LORD God Almighty; listen to me, God of Jacob. 9 Look on our shield, O God; look with favor on your anointed one. 10 Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere; I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of the wicked. 11 For the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD bestows favor and honor; no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless. 12 LORD Almighty, blessed is the one who trusts in you."
I want to live near the altar! I want my heart set on the pilgrimage! My goal is to go from strength to strength till I stand before God and I want my legacy to be that in all things... I trusted and praised the One that created me!
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
In His Embrace
The last 3 months God has taken me and my family through some dark and beautiful days. We have seen Him provide financially, emotionally and bring hope during days when we could not see through the tears.
"May the God of hope fill you with all the joy and peace as you trust him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit" - Romans 15:13''
This Thanksgiving I cannot help but be grateful! Grateful for the friends that have lend ed shoulders to cry on and ears to listen. For people that have given above and beyond what we could have ever imagined. For family that have given of their time and resources to take care of our little family. For kind words of love and encouragement.
Many of you have asked how I am doing. Today I am preparing for Thanksgiving with my little girl and resting as I need. Yesterday marked a big milestone for us. I finished the last round of AC (aka...Red Devil) chemo. I have 2 weeks to recover from this last round and I still have 12 more weeks of chemo to go however the next phase is said to be much easier on my body. After that, the next surgery to continue the reconstruction process which should take about another 6 weeks of healing. By this summer and I will be growing a nice new head of hair and should have fully recovered.
The last 6 weeks have gotten progressively harder as we had expected. There were many days that I was not able to get out of the bed or the couch. There have been days when out of weakness I felt like it was too much to handle. Those were the days that I crawled up into my Father's arms and wept. Wept out of fear, weariness, guilt for not being able to take care of my family, and sometimes the tears just came because I could not stop them. In His arms, I found love, grace, comfort, peace and hope. I stayed there each time until I was ready to face the next mountain. Sometimes that mountain was as simple as driving to pick up my little girl.
This time has allowed Brian and I to grow our relationship in new ways. We have grown in our spiritual walk together and in sharing our hearts in deeper ways. We have had to learn to dig deep to take care of our little girl's heart. We have become better partners and better parents.
This Thanksgiving is very special. Special because I have learned a new level of gratefulness. I am grateful for the hard things. I am grateful for the ugliness that brings about beauty. I am grateful for the simple. I am grateful for true joy that comes from walking through the suffering. I am grateful for learning about true hope and trust. I am grateful for the time of quiet that God has provided.
I am looking forward to the future when my family and I can once again be an active part of our church body and community around us. God is teaching us much and we will have much to give when that time comes. Until then, please know that today we are grateful for each of you that have prayed us through this and we continue to covet your prayers as we continue our journey. Thank you for walking with us through it!
"May the God of hope fill you with all the joy and peace as you trust him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit" - Romans 15:13''
This Thanksgiving I cannot help but be grateful! Grateful for the friends that have lend ed shoulders to cry on and ears to listen. For people that have given above and beyond what we could have ever imagined. For family that have given of their time and resources to take care of our little family. For kind words of love and encouragement.
Many of you have asked how I am doing. Today I am preparing for Thanksgiving with my little girl and resting as I need. Yesterday marked a big milestone for us. I finished the last round of AC (aka...Red Devil) chemo. I have 2 weeks to recover from this last round and I still have 12 more weeks of chemo to go however the next phase is said to be much easier on my body. After that, the next surgery to continue the reconstruction process which should take about another 6 weeks of healing. By this summer and I will be growing a nice new head of hair and should have fully recovered.
The last 6 weeks have gotten progressively harder as we had expected. There were many days that I was not able to get out of the bed or the couch. There have been days when out of weakness I felt like it was too much to handle. Those were the days that I crawled up into my Father's arms and wept. Wept out of fear, weariness, guilt for not being able to take care of my family, and sometimes the tears just came because I could not stop them. In His arms, I found love, grace, comfort, peace and hope. I stayed there each time until I was ready to face the next mountain. Sometimes that mountain was as simple as driving to pick up my little girl.
This time has allowed Brian and I to grow our relationship in new ways. We have grown in our spiritual walk together and in sharing our hearts in deeper ways. We have had to learn to dig deep to take care of our little girl's heart. We have become better partners and better parents.
This Thanksgiving is very special. Special because I have learned a new level of gratefulness. I am grateful for the hard things. I am grateful for the ugliness that brings about beauty. I am grateful for the simple. I am grateful for true joy that comes from walking through the suffering. I am grateful for learning about true hope and trust. I am grateful for the time of quiet that God has provided.
I am looking forward to the future when my family and I can once again be an active part of our church body and community around us. God is teaching us much and we will have much to give when that time comes. Until then, please know that today we are grateful for each of you that have prayed us through this and we continue to covet your prayers as we continue our journey. Thank you for walking with us through it!
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Reflection in the Mirror
Today I stood in the mirror, staring at my shell. Tears poured down my face as I no longer recognized the girl looking back at me. It was more than just the bald head and the scared chest. It is the identity built into my accomplishments. I am not the mom that I once was. I can no longer chase my daughter through the house and have pillow fights. There are times I cannot even sit at the kitchen table and do homework with her. The housewife in me no longer exists. My home used to be clean, (most of the time), my laundry done, creative meals cooked. As a wife, I was a help-mate, a best friend, and spontaneous. Now, Brian has become my care-taker. As an employee, I was driven, worked hard and was very detail oriented. Then there was the creative side of me, that loved to teach kids, paint, decorate. Today in the mirror, I saw an emptiness. A woman that has to take a break while going up the stairs. A woman that is tired and sick all the time.
As I stared and wept, I asked God what is my identity to be now? Even when this is over, will I ever be the same? It was almost as though I could hear His voice saying, "I am to be your identity!" I realized that my desire should not to be the same person after this is over but it should be the cross.
Oswald Chambers wrote, "We think too often of the Cross of Christ as something we have to get through, yet we get through for the purpose of getting into it. The cross represents only one thing for us- complete, entire, absolute identification with the Lord Jesus Christ- and there is nothing in which identification is more real to us than prayer."
What do I want people to see in my mirror? I want them to see total surrender to God. I want them to see a woman that talks with God and listens for His voice. I want them to see humility and gratefulness.
Yes, I am losing me in this process but I am learning that this is exactly where God wants me. In losing me, I can be a better mom, housewife, friend and employee. I still weep out of humanness and exhaustion. I still long to be able to give to my family and friends but God has given me the gift of time. Time to be alone with Him in the quiet of my home. Time to reflect on His goodness and mercies that He has extended to me.
As I stared and wept, I asked God what is my identity to be now? Even when this is over, will I ever be the same? It was almost as though I could hear His voice saying, "I am to be your identity!" I realized that my desire should not to be the same person after this is over but it should be the cross.
Oswald Chambers wrote, "We think too often of the Cross of Christ as something we have to get through, yet we get through for the purpose of getting into it. The cross represents only one thing for us- complete, entire, absolute identification with the Lord Jesus Christ- and there is nothing in which identification is more real to us than prayer."
What do I want people to see in my mirror? I want them to see total surrender to God. I want them to see a woman that talks with God and listens for His voice. I want them to see humility and gratefulness.
Yes, I am losing me in this process but I am learning that this is exactly where God wants me. In losing me, I can be a better mom, housewife, friend and employee. I still weep out of humanness and exhaustion. I still long to be able to give to my family and friends but God has given me the gift of time. Time to be alone with Him in the quiet of my home. Time to reflect on His goodness and mercies that He has extended to me.
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