So it has been 2 weeks today since my mastectomy and there have been many highs and lows. I had alot of fears the week before surgery but by the time the day actually arrived God had given me a peace beyond understanding. Brian and I spent that morning together laughing, talking and praying together. Not one tear was shed because we knew God was present. The first person that I wanted to see after surgery was Brian. I needed to see his eyes and know that he still loved the person that I was.
The next morning, the doctor came in to remove the bandages...that was the moment that I was most scared of and had been dreading. Brian was watching closely as each layer came off and I was watching him. As soon as the scars were revealed, my sweet husband grinned from ear to ear, looked up at me and said, "It looks really good baby!" I could not stop the tears in my eyes. God could not have given me a better mate to stand by my side as I walked this road.
My surgeon had done a biopsy on 3 lymph nodes during surgery and she did not believe that the cancer had spread at that point. Of course the nodes had to be sent off to pathology to receive a full clearance. The Tuesday after surgery, I received a call that I was not expecting. They had found cancer in one of the nodes and believed that they would more than likely have to go back in and remove them. This meant another surgery and I was not prepared for that. They have since decided to treat with extra chemo but that day was probably the lowest day I have had since the this whole process had began. I sobbed the entire day. Not out of anger but just deep sadness. I gave into my grief that day and showed my weakness. Out of our weakness God's strength is revealed. I had pinned my hope on a Dr's opinion rather than in my Lord.
"Out of depths I cry to you, O Lord; O Lord you hear my voice. Let your ears be attentive to my cry for mercy. If you O Lord, kept a record of sins, O Lord, who could stand? But with you there is forgiveness; therefore you are feared. I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope. My soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen wait for the morning, more than watchmen wait for the morning. O Israel, put your hope in the Lord, for with unfailing love and with him is full redemption." -Psalm 130
Each day I have to remind myself that my Dr's in all this are just watchmen, not my hope. My hope rests in my Father's arms. God has created all things and knows all things. I forget that often in my humanness but God is a God of mercy and forgives my lack of faith. He gently reminds me of my need for Him and opens His arms to welcome me home.
Each day that I am frustrated because I am not progressing as fast as I think that I should is my opportunity to develop my dependence on God. Each time I break down in tears is my opportunity to seek comfort in my God. Each report that comes back with a disappointing result is my opportunity to grow my faith in God. I have failed and will continue to fail in these things but again it is another opportunity to experience God's grace. Cancer is not a disease to destroy me but an opportunity to see God glorified! What a perfect gift from Him.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Joy In The Fire
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, lacking nothing." -James 1:2-4
My husband directed me to those verses today and they are a perfect picture of where my heart is resting. The last few weeks I have found so much joy in many ways.
To name a few:
1. Discovering genuine concern and care from people. We have developed new relationships and deepened old ones. We have found the power of people's prayers for us to be a great encouragement and comfort.
2. Seeing God's hand guiding us over the last couple of years to this point. Each job move, lack of jobs, losing material items when our home was broken into has only deepened our faith and dependency on God. What an amazing journey to this point.
3. Listening to Anna Beth's Witty banter has become all the sweeter. Watching her and her friends playing on the slip-n-slide full of giggles brings smiles to our faces. Even the satisfaction of cleaning our home together and realizing the wonderful place that God has provided for us gives us joy.
4. My favorite has been laying in my husband's arms, sharing my heart and my tears. He has listened, shared and prayed words of comfort over me. We have openly talked about how each step of this process is and will affect our marriage. At the same time we have openly talked about our commitment to one another and to developing our faith.
These are just a few of the things where I found joy. I know that the plans that my Father has for me are to prosper me and not to harm me. Thursday is approaching quickly and I will lose a part of me that I l felt has defined me as a woman for the last 28 years. I have discovered in the last few weeks that my heart has not changed and that is what my husband loves. Tears have been shed and will continue at times but they will not consume me. This fire that we walk through as a family will prove out our faith and trust in God. Joy will come in the morning and I look forward to seeing what God has up his sleeve next!
My husband directed me to those verses today and they are a perfect picture of where my heart is resting. The last few weeks I have found so much joy in many ways.
To name a few:
1. Discovering genuine concern and care from people. We have developed new relationships and deepened old ones. We have found the power of people's prayers for us to be a great encouragement and comfort.
2. Seeing God's hand guiding us over the last couple of years to this point. Each job move, lack of jobs, losing material items when our home was broken into has only deepened our faith and dependency on God. What an amazing journey to this point.
3. Listening to Anna Beth's Witty banter has become all the sweeter. Watching her and her friends playing on the slip-n-slide full of giggles brings smiles to our faces. Even the satisfaction of cleaning our home together and realizing the wonderful place that God has provided for us gives us joy.
4. My favorite has been laying in my husband's arms, sharing my heart and my tears. He has listened, shared and prayed words of comfort over me. We have openly talked about how each step of this process is and will affect our marriage. At the same time we have openly talked about our commitment to one another and to developing our faith.
These are just a few of the things where I found joy. I know that the plans that my Father has for me are to prosper me and not to harm me. Thursday is approaching quickly and I will lose a part of me that I l felt has defined me as a woman for the last 28 years. I have discovered in the last few weeks that my heart has not changed and that is what my husband loves. Tears have been shed and will continue at times but they will not consume me. This fire that we walk through as a family will prove out our faith and trust in God. Joy will come in the morning and I look forward to seeing what God has up his sleeve next!
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Grief At My Door
Ahhh, the grief has come in waves since my appointment with the surgeon this afternoon. What I believed was going to be a simple lumpectomy has turned into so much more. The MRI revealed another mass that is attached to the original one. It appears to be about 6 centimeters long and they believe it to be pre-cancerous however it must be treated the same. It must come out. This means a full mastectomy on the left side. I was not prepared for this mentally and it hit me hard. All I could picture is seeing myself in the mirror for the first time and what that moment would feel like.
Right now I cannot stop the tears but even in the middle of them, my God is here. The only thing I can do is search the Word for comfort and so I began to do a word search on grief in my Bible. It has taken me to Lamentations 3
starting in vs. 19 "I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope. Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassion never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness... vs 32 Though He brings grief, He will show compassion so great is His unfailing love."
I realize that these verses are being used in the context of the consequences of sin however right now they are a balm on my heart. I realize that grief is but a step in this process and there will be more tears in days to come. For now I am in this moment. This moment of being comforted by my Father. This moment of pain is not unnoticed by Him. He is here, loving me and my family as we cope with the path that is before us. I am falling before Him, knowing that my body is not my own. It is His to use and teach me and show me His glory.
Right now I cannot stop the tears but even in the middle of them, my God is here. The only thing I can do is search the Word for comfort and so I began to do a word search on grief in my Bible. It has taken me to Lamentations 3
starting in vs. 19 "I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope. Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassion never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness... vs 32 Though He brings grief, He will show compassion so great is His unfailing love."
I realize that these verses are being used in the context of the consequences of sin however right now they are a balm on my heart. I realize that grief is but a step in this process and there will be more tears in days to come. For now I am in this moment. This moment of being comforted by my Father. This moment of pain is not unnoticed by Him. He is here, loving me and my family as we cope with the path that is before us. I am falling before Him, knowing that my body is not my own. It is His to use and teach me and show me His glory.
Friday, August 6, 2010
Trama in MRI
So today marks the most traumatic step in this process thus far. I realize this is silly but the MRI just about did me in today!
I am not sure how many of you have ever had an MRI but basically they stuff you in a 6 foot tube and leave you there for about 30 to 40 minutes. So first they tell me all about what they are going to do, from the IV to the noises and then they strapped me in a girdle so tight that it hurts to breathe. From that point they load me on the moving bed of death! Seriously, this thing is torture! So, at first they had my head in this little contraption that made me feel like I was suffocating. As soon as they slid the chubby girl into the small tube that compressed all major organs, I begged them to remove the Darth Vader mask. Once I had air blowing on my face I felt better and thought, sure I can make it through a few minutes in here. Uh, what was I thinking! Every torturous second I spent in there praying for God to help me breathe and stay clam. I made it till the last 3 minutes before tears started pouring down my face and I squeezed the call button. Cindy was very sweet and told me it was just 3 minutes more. I don' think I breathed for 3 minutes! As soon as the machine stopped making the hideous nosies, I heard the ladies burst in the room and started unplugging me from the oxygen and IV. As soon as they pulled me out I burst into sobs but they were there with cold wet towels, water, a back rub and soft words of comfort. They promised that I could cry and they were going to be through this entire journey with me to listen and support me. I felt ridiculous for losing it like that but I could not have had better support to walk me through it.
Again, how can I ask, "why me?" when my Father has surrounded me with some of the sweetest people to walk me through this. God has set me up with one of the best surgeons in the nation at one of the leading hospitals in the area of breast cancer. God has literally given me some of the best and how can I be anything but grateful.
While laying stuffed in that tube of death, my mind kept replaying parts of one of my favorite Psalms. It is passage 91 and it goes something like this... He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust... If you make the Most High your dwelling, even the Lord, who is my refuge- then no harm will befall you, no disaster will come near your tent... "Because he loves me," says the Lord, I will rescue him; I will protect him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him. (Best part!) With long life will I satisfy him and show him my salvation."
What a promise to live in right now! A more content woman you could not find right now because I am there, resting in His shadow.
I am not sure how many of you have ever had an MRI but basically they stuff you in a 6 foot tube and leave you there for about 30 to 40 minutes. So first they tell me all about what they are going to do, from the IV to the noises and then they strapped me in a girdle so tight that it hurts to breathe. From that point they load me on the moving bed of death! Seriously, this thing is torture! So, at first they had my head in this little contraption that made me feel like I was suffocating. As soon as they slid the chubby girl into the small tube that compressed all major organs, I begged them to remove the Darth Vader mask. Once I had air blowing on my face I felt better and thought, sure I can make it through a few minutes in here. Uh, what was I thinking! Every torturous second I spent in there praying for God to help me breathe and stay clam. I made it till the last 3 minutes before tears started pouring down my face and I squeezed the call button. Cindy was very sweet and told me it was just 3 minutes more. I don' think I breathed for 3 minutes! As soon as the machine stopped making the hideous nosies, I heard the ladies burst in the room and started unplugging me from the oxygen and IV. As soon as they pulled me out I burst into sobs but they were there with cold wet towels, water, a back rub and soft words of comfort. They promised that I could cry and they were going to be through this entire journey with me to listen and support me. I felt ridiculous for losing it like that but I could not have had better support to walk me through it.
Again, how can I ask, "why me?" when my Father has surrounded me with some of the sweetest people to walk me through this. God has set me up with one of the best surgeons in the nation at one of the leading hospitals in the area of breast cancer. God has literally given me some of the best and how can I be anything but grateful.
While laying stuffed in that tube of death, my mind kept replaying parts of one of my favorite Psalms. It is passage 91 and it goes something like this... He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust... If you make the Most High your dwelling, even the Lord, who is my refuge- then no harm will befall you, no disaster will come near your tent... "Because he loves me," says the Lord, I will rescue him; I will protect him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him. (Best part!) With long life will I satisfy him and show him my salvation."
What a promise to live in right now! A more content woman you could not find right now because I am there, resting in His shadow.
Friday, July 30, 2010
New Journey
Yesterday I was diagnosed with an aggressive form of breast cancer and so a new journey has begun. We have cried, made jokes and contemplated the future but the one thing that we have not done is ask God, "Why us?" I have learned several things in the last couple of years and one of them being that God uses everything for His glory.
Looking back over the last few months, I can see God working towards that phone call yesterday. It all started with Brian being given a job at the Vanderbilt Cancer Center. From there, I received a job that I believed was "THE ONE" when in reality is was just another step.
That day, sitting in the conference room listening to the plan, wondering why God allowed this to happen and then moments later having FBI burst through the door, weapon ready was just a little blurb in my world. At the time, it felt huge but in reality is was just God setting the stage for the next step. The next step was another job offer within 24 hours. Part-time but a blessing non-the-less. A job that would allow flexibility and a work environment that was encouraging.
During all of this, I found a lump. I just could not let it go and mentioned it at a routine doctor visit. The doctor listened to me and ordered a mammogram the same day. That day has changed the "normal" for our family for months to come. That lump turned out to be nothing but the tumor lurking in the shadows was discovered. After a life-long dream vacation to Disney World we returned to face what God had laid out before us. A biopsy and a diagnosis.
I have no idea what is to come but I have no fear. It is so obvious that God has been preparing the way that I cannot help but be grateful. I grieve and I mourn but there is no question that God knew I was ready for this. That my family was ready. We are ready for that special fellowship with our Father as we climb in His arms. I have had several people tell me that they do not understand why God has asked so much of us in the last couple of years but to them I say, "it is an opportunity to lose more of me in HIM." I know there will be moments in the next several months that I will forget these words. I will grieve the silly things, like losing my hair but in the end my time with God will be worth every strand. This is an opportunity for my daughter to watch our responses to what God has asked of us. We are called according to His purpose and for His glory so with that in mind, I begin a new journey of hope and trust.
Looking back over the last few months, I can see God working towards that phone call yesterday. It all started with Brian being given a job at the Vanderbilt Cancer Center. From there, I received a job that I believed was "THE ONE" when in reality is was just another step.
That day, sitting in the conference room listening to the plan, wondering why God allowed this to happen and then moments later having FBI burst through the door, weapon ready was just a little blurb in my world. At the time, it felt huge but in reality is was just God setting the stage for the next step. The next step was another job offer within 24 hours. Part-time but a blessing non-the-less. A job that would allow flexibility and a work environment that was encouraging.
During all of this, I found a lump. I just could not let it go and mentioned it at a routine doctor visit. The doctor listened to me and ordered a mammogram the same day. That day has changed the "normal" for our family for months to come. That lump turned out to be nothing but the tumor lurking in the shadows was discovered. After a life-long dream vacation to Disney World we returned to face what God had laid out before us. A biopsy and a diagnosis.
I have no idea what is to come but I have no fear. It is so obvious that God has been preparing the way that I cannot help but be grateful. I grieve and I mourn but there is no question that God knew I was ready for this. That my family was ready. We are ready for that special fellowship with our Father as we climb in His arms. I have had several people tell me that they do not understand why God has asked so much of us in the last couple of years but to them I say, "it is an opportunity to lose more of me in HIM." I know there will be moments in the next several months that I will forget these words. I will grieve the silly things, like losing my hair but in the end my time with God will be worth every strand. This is an opportunity for my daughter to watch our responses to what God has asked of us. We are called according to His purpose and for His glory so with that in mind, I begin a new journey of hope and trust.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
The "Little" vs the "Big"
Today peace and encouragement have alluded me. It is not the events of the last few months but the here and now that cause my heart to waver. God has been so faithful through the job transition with Brian, the job loss, the year of tough parenting and the recent break-in. We have watched in wonder as He has used people in our lives to provide and encourage. Every day my heart is at peace knowing that God cares for His children and I need not fear the unknown because He has prepared the way.
The things that break me are the day to day battles. Not enough time and overwhelming work. Making choices to let things go to spend time with my family. This means letting the laundry sit, the bathrooms building dirt and the big meals left un-cooked. While they go undone they are never far from my mind and the feeling of failure in these areas. There is never enough time to sleep, work 10 hour days and care for the family in the ways that I desire to do so.
Tonight, I came home and chose to take a few minutes for myself. With this comes guilt because there are hugs to give and things to do. But tonight I chose to rest with my Father. I grabbed my Oswald Chambers book and Bible and sat to listen. I had 15 minutes at best with Anna Beth anxious to share her day, so I dove in. The text was on "Wrestling Before God" Based on Ephesians 6:13 & 18 "Take up the whole armor of God... praying always..." The part that impacted me the most was the distinction between God's perfect will and permissive will. My family is living in the permissive will of God of late and through this God has taught us much about joy and faith. We have been tested in the areas of physical need, mental exhaustion and spiritual brokenness. I have sought the face of my God more this year than in several years past praying for God to care for the large problems that "I" cannot handle. Constantly I have sought to find the lessons in the tests. Tonight, I realized the test that I have failed to see... "the little things"
"The Little Things" I keep as my own burdens because I do not want to bother God with things so trite. I skip a piece of Armor because I do not think that I will need it that day or I skip praying always but pray as needs arise. My focus becomes clouded with needs, wants and desires. I feel justified worrying and stressing over them because they are not really for me after all but my family that surrounds me. Oswald stated... "Put up a glorious fight and you will find yourself empowered with His strength." God never intends for us to go into battle unarmed and He NEVER intended for us to go alone! I sense, that God sits waiting and watching, aching to lift my burden that appears to small to even bother with.
My test has not been in the "big" things because those are easy to trust Him with. The test is in trusting Him with my tears, chores and frustrations. Daily surrender to and in doing so completeness in Christ!
The things that break me are the day to day battles. Not enough time and overwhelming work. Making choices to let things go to spend time with my family. This means letting the laundry sit, the bathrooms building dirt and the big meals left un-cooked. While they go undone they are never far from my mind and the feeling of failure in these areas. There is never enough time to sleep, work 10 hour days and care for the family in the ways that I desire to do so.
Tonight, I came home and chose to take a few minutes for myself. With this comes guilt because there are hugs to give and things to do. But tonight I chose to rest with my Father. I grabbed my Oswald Chambers book and Bible and sat to listen. I had 15 minutes at best with Anna Beth anxious to share her day, so I dove in. The text was on "Wrestling Before God" Based on Ephesians 6:13 & 18 "Take up the whole armor of God... praying always..." The part that impacted me the most was the distinction between God's perfect will and permissive will. My family is living in the permissive will of God of late and through this God has taught us much about joy and faith. We have been tested in the areas of physical need, mental exhaustion and spiritual brokenness. I have sought the face of my God more this year than in several years past praying for God to care for the large problems that "I" cannot handle. Constantly I have sought to find the lessons in the tests. Tonight, I realized the test that I have failed to see... "the little things"
"The Little Things" I keep as my own burdens because I do not want to bother God with things so trite. I skip a piece of Armor because I do not think that I will need it that day or I skip praying always but pray as needs arise. My focus becomes clouded with needs, wants and desires. I feel justified worrying and stressing over them because they are not really for me after all but my family that surrounds me. Oswald stated... "Put up a glorious fight and you will find yourself empowered with His strength." God never intends for us to go into battle unarmed and He NEVER intended for us to go alone! I sense, that God sits waiting and watching, aching to lift my burden that appears to small to even bother with.
My test has not been in the "big" things because those are easy to trust Him with. The test is in trusting Him with my tears, chores and frustrations. Daily surrender to and in doing so completeness in Christ!
Friday, September 4, 2009
Faith and Promies
What a fabulous day with my Father! This day was to just be a day is rest, relaxation and prep for family coming in this weekend but it has become something so much more important than that. A day of just listening...
I got up this morning as we usually do and got Anna Beth and Brian out the door for the day. Usually I am leaving at the same time as the 2 of them but today was about me. Sent them off and laid back down for just a bit just thinking. Finally decided it was time to hop up, get a bite to eat and start my house cleaning. I left the TV and music off on purpose to simply enjoy the peace and began to pray. My prayer time is usually stuffed into the commute time that I have to and from work and my Bible time is spent reading scripture on the Internet during lunch but today was different... today it was not scheduled!
I slowly stopped TALKING to God and just started LISTENING. Sitting on the side of my tub with sponge in hand, I heard God say... have you missed cleaning this incredible tub that I gave to you? "Well yes I have Lord! It is really relaxing to just clean my house" was my response. Next He asked, "Have you missed just playing with your family over the last 6 months?" Tears began to trickle down my face as I admitted that I had. I stopped cleaning and just listened for His next question. "Do you miss this peace and quiet?" Tears began to really flow and last God asked, My child, have you missed moments like this with me?" Sitting on the side of the tub, sobs racking my body, I poured out my grief, pain, frustration, and disappointments to my Father. I told Him of how much this job has taken away from me and my family and I told Him of my desire to be able to work part-time.
I climbed from the tub and grabbed my Bible and my Hymnal and laid on the bed ready for comfort. I opened the Bible to Romans 4, Our pastor recently talked about Abraham's faith in God for a son and so I began at verse 20... "Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God. Being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he promised." I never got past verse 20 & 21!
Next I went to my hymnal and opened to one of my favorite old hymns, "Be Still, My Soul" The first verse goes like this... Be still my soul! The Lord is on thy side; Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain; Leave to thy God to order and provide; In every change He faithfully will remain. Be still my soul! thy best, thy heavenly Friend Thro' thorny ways leads to a joyful end.
This is my promise from God! I can go back to work on Wednesday not with dread or fear but with peace knowing that I have HIS promise. I do not know how much longer the pain will endure but I do know that it will come to an end and God will keep His promises to me.
I got up this morning as we usually do and got Anna Beth and Brian out the door for the day. Usually I am leaving at the same time as the 2 of them but today was about me. Sent them off and laid back down for just a bit just thinking. Finally decided it was time to hop up, get a bite to eat and start my house cleaning. I left the TV and music off on purpose to simply enjoy the peace and began to pray. My prayer time is usually stuffed into the commute time that I have to and from work and my Bible time is spent reading scripture on the Internet during lunch but today was different... today it was not scheduled!
I slowly stopped TALKING to God and just started LISTENING. Sitting on the side of my tub with sponge in hand, I heard God say... have you missed cleaning this incredible tub that I gave to you? "Well yes I have Lord! It is really relaxing to just clean my house" was my response. Next He asked, "Have you missed just playing with your family over the last 6 months?" Tears began to trickle down my face as I admitted that I had. I stopped cleaning and just listened for His next question. "Do you miss this peace and quiet?" Tears began to really flow and last God asked, My child, have you missed moments like this with me?" Sitting on the side of the tub, sobs racking my body, I poured out my grief, pain, frustration, and disappointments to my Father. I told Him of how much this job has taken away from me and my family and I told Him of my desire to be able to work part-time.
I climbed from the tub and grabbed my Bible and my Hymnal and laid on the bed ready for comfort. I opened the Bible to Romans 4, Our pastor recently talked about Abraham's faith in God for a son and so I began at verse 20... "Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God. Being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he promised." I never got past verse 20 & 21!
Next I went to my hymnal and opened to one of my favorite old hymns, "Be Still, My Soul" The first verse goes like this... Be still my soul! The Lord is on thy side; Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain; Leave to thy God to order and provide; In every change He faithfully will remain. Be still my soul! thy best, thy heavenly Friend Thro' thorny ways leads to a joyful end.
This is my promise from God! I can go back to work on Wednesday not with dread or fear but with peace knowing that I have HIS promise. I do not know how much longer the pain will endure but I do know that it will come to an end and God will keep His promises to me.
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