I was born back in a day when many mothers were still stay at home. A generation of parents that had been raised by many that had lived through WWII. My parents did not have the easiest childhood and they were very young. I was the only child for 7 ½ years. My mom had been abused, as had her dad and the dad before him. It was a cycle that continued some for me. My mom fought her demons and loved me. Together we forged ahead attempting to leave that cycle of abuse behind. It was painful and heart-breaking for both of us.
I asked Christ to be Lord of my life at the tender age of 5. God to me was huge, fierce and cold. His love was NOT gentle and full of grace. I knew that He was real, powerful and to be feared. I lived my life by a set of rules and feared the consequences of breaking them both here on this earth and eternally.
At the age of 19, I was date raped and all the things I had read and learned over the years about God’s protection seemed to be unfounded. I spent a lot of time blaming myself and believing that my failures as a follower of Christ had somehow led to my grief. I was being punished because I must have not loved Him enough. Worked for Him hard enough. My view of God was still harsh and I had Him in a very small box.
As a young adult, I found myself traveling all over the country as a children’s minister for a Revival Team. I saturated myself with the Word of God, pouring over it daily. The leaders of this ministry often, meaning well, sent us on spiritual witch hunts. We were nothing but a sinner and could only be redeemed by God’s holy righteousness. While this is true, it is not the way God wants to be portrayed. My past often dictated my responses and they were often misinterpreted and seen as a hard, sinful heart instead of the scared, wounded soul that I was. The order of the day was to be judged and tried without having any questions asked. My heart never had a chance to heal and I walked away from that ministry 3 years later, disillusioned and exhausted. Again, God was a harsh ruler that cared little for my heart.
I spent the next few years quietly recovering and trying to understand who God REALLY was. I spent time with people that believed Him to be different than I had ever experienced but how could I believe them? God pursued me and he used a Christian dating website to do so.
You see…my husband has completely changed my view of who God is. He blew the lid completely off the box that I had Him in. When we first started emailing, I made it known that I guarded my heart closely and Brian would have to work hard to scale the walls I had built around it. Brian was not daunted by my challenges. He has spent the last 11 years, gently pursing my heart. Each day, my husband leads me to the cross. He is not harsh. He does not rule our home with an iron fist but rather, with love he leads.
I remember very specifically one day, early in our marriage, I asked Brian, why he always said he loved me more? He told me that he was commanded to. He pointed to the verse, Ephesians 5:25
“For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her”
My husband saw it as God’s command to love me more and he has spent the last 11 years doing just that. He has lived out his marriage vows to the fullest. There has been times that God has called us to walk through suffering but it was different for me now. I did so without fear. I knew that it was a calling, not to punish me but to refine me. My husband lead the way, trusting God, leading by example, all while protecting my heart. Each day my husband meets my ugly with grace and big love. He protects, provides and serves me. He forgives while walking away from the hurt. He has taught me to see the beauty in the hard. This incredible husband of mine is not perfect but his lack of perfection has allowed me to see a gentler God. One who intentionally pursues our hearts and soul. That never is content until He has it all. A God that reaches out to me each day and asks for my trust. A God that truly protects and heals the broken hearted. A God that asks me to serve Him out of my LOVE for him and not obligation.
I go back to the question at the beginning, “What in your life has most shaped your view of who God is?” I can say with confidence, that it was not a powerful speaker, a pastor, a Doctor of Biblical Theology but rather, a quiet, football loving, drummer, father, and husband that is passionate about winning my heart. If my husband can love me this much, how much more must the Father that created me, love me?!
Happy 11th Anniversary my sweet husband and thank you for having such an impact on my life and heart.
"Above All, Love Each Other Deeply, Because Love Covers A Multitude of Sins"- 1 Peter 4:8
