In His Embrace

The last 3 months God has taken me and my family through some dark and beautiful days. We have seen Him provide financially, emotionally and bring hope during days when we could not see through the tears.

"May the God of hope fill you with all the joy and peace as you trust him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit" - Romans 15:13''

This Thanksgiving I cannot help but be grateful! Grateful for the friends that have lend ed shoulders to cry on and ears to listen. For people that have given above and beyond what we could have ever imagined. For family that have given of their time and resources to take care of our little family. For kind words of love and encouragement.

Many of you have asked how I am doing. Today I am preparing for Thanksgiving with my little girl and resting as I need. Yesterday marked a big milestone for us. I finished the last round of AC (aka...Red Devil) chemo. I have 2 weeks to recover from this last round and I still have 12 more weeks of chemo to go however the next phase is said to be much easier on my body. After that, the next surgery to continue the reconstruction process which should take about another 6 weeks of healing. By this summer and I will be growing a nice new head of hair and should have fully recovered.

The last 6 weeks have gotten progressively harder as we had expected. There were many days that I was not able to get out of the bed or the couch. There have been days when out of weakness I felt like it was too much to handle. Those were the days that I crawled up into my Father's arms and wept. Wept out of fear, weariness, guilt for not being able to take care of my family, and sometimes the tears just came because I could not stop them. In His arms, I found love, grace, comfort, peace and hope. I stayed there each time until I was ready to face the next mountain. Sometimes that mountain was as simple as driving to pick up my little girl.

This time has allowed Brian and I to grow our relationship in new ways. We have grown in our spiritual walk together and in sharing our hearts in deeper ways. We have had to learn to dig deep to take care of our little girl's heart. We have become better partners and better parents.

This Thanksgiving is very special. Special because I have learned a new level of gratefulness. I am grateful for the hard things. I am grateful for the ugliness that brings about beauty. I am grateful for the simple. I am grateful for true joy that comes from walking through the suffering. I am grateful for learning about true hope and trust. I am grateful for the time of quiet that God has provided.

I am looking forward to the future when my family and I can once again be an active part of our church body and community around us. God is teaching us much and we will have much to give when that time comes. Until then, please know that today we are grateful for each of you that have prayed us through this and we continue to covet your prayers as we continue our journey. Thank you for walking with us through it!

Reflection in the Mirror

Today I stood in the mirror, staring at my shell. Tears poured down my face as I no longer recognized the girl looking back at me. It was more than just the bald head and the scared chest. It is the identity built into my accomplishments. I am not the mom that I once was. I can no longer chase my daughter through the house and have pillow fights. There are times I cannot even sit at the kitchen table and do homework with her. The housewife in me no longer exists. My home used to be clean, (most of the time), my laundry done, creative meals cooked. As a wife, I was a help-mate, a best friend, and spontaneous. Now, Brian has become my care-taker. As an employee, I was driven, worked hard and was very detail oriented. Then there was the creative side of me, that loved to teach kids, paint, decorate. Today in the mirror, I saw an emptiness. A woman that has to take a break while going up the stairs. A woman that is tired and sick all the time.

As I stared and wept, I asked God what is my identity to be now? Even when this is over, will I ever be the same? It was almost as though I could hear His voice saying, "I am to be your identity!" I realized that my desire should not to be the same person after this is over but it should be the cross.

Oswald Chambers wrote, "We think too often of the Cross of Christ as something we have to get through, yet we get through for the purpose of getting into it. The cross represents only one thing for us- complete, entire, absolute identification with the Lord Jesus Christ- and there is nothing in which identification is more real to us than prayer."

What do I want people to see in my mirror? I want them to see total surrender to God. I want them to see a woman that talks with God and listens for His voice. I want them to see humility and gratefulness.

Yes, I am losing me in this process but I am learning that this is exactly where God wants me. In losing me, I can be a better mom, housewife, friend and employee. I still weep out of humanness and exhaustion. I still long to be able to give to my family and friends but God has given me the gift of time. Time to be alone with Him in the quiet of my home. Time to reflect on His goodness and mercies that He has extended to me.